Memories That Fade Like Photographs

OK, so I lied, but you should have figured that out.

Of course I care about Kevin and his welling being. I'm just questioning his love for me, which makes me care less. Not careless, care less. Yeah, there’s a pretty big fucking difference

He claims to love me but words only go so far. How 'bout some affection from the drummer to the ex-drug addict? Is that really to much to ask for? A little kiss on the lips from my fucking boyfriend before he goes?

Speaking of drugs, I'm almost fallen into a routine. Day by day I am becoming more and more addicted to the drugs. The drugs that once controlled my life and made my decisions. The drugs that almost ended my life countless times. The drugs that were always there for me no matter what.
Sad, it really is sad, no one even suspects a thing.

You see, everyone knows about Kevin's...condition? No, its not a condition. They all know he is being a dick and leaving me in the dust every second of every day. They know all about him leaving me after sex without so much of a word and treating me like a fuck buddy and not a lover. No, I didn’t tell them, they just kinda found out by putting the pieces together, it really wasn’t that hard.

Anyway...everyone knows about Kevin's shitty behavior but none of them expect me to crawl back into drugs. They thought I got clean awhile ago and even made me swear to god I wouldn’t set foot near drugs or a drug addict/dealer. I even signed a contract thingy!

...I don’t even believe in god...

And as the saying goes; Old habits die hard. Or in my case, old habits never die. Never bothered to shove the knife in hard enough to kill them.

I really am trying to look the other way when the drugs are involved but they are just so appealing when a broken boy feels useless and worthless because his boyfriend neglects him.

And yeah, I know I sound like a whiney little bitch and a million other people are just like me. Broken, ex addicts, rejected, alone. Whatever you want to say. But you want to know something else? They all fall back into there habits too. There addictions, the way they wish to live there lives. Whether it be anorexia, bulimia, crack, heroine, cutting, burning, promiscuous sex or whatever else they may have been doing. I know I’m not alone, but I cant help but feel that way.

See, that’s the thing. They fill the void that Kevin made. They make me feel whole again, even if it is for only minutes

Hell, some of them even make me delusional, thinking that Kevin really is there. And me, stupefied by the pill, take a few more pills just to see his smiling face.

You know what? I made a commitment. A commitment to this relationship, commitment which is not being returned. And no where in that commitment does it say I have to stay clean. And especially if that person I made a commitment to isn’t around to see to it that I stay clean.

When Kevin found me in that alley way, singing random songs, just sitting there, letting a dog piss right next to me, he made me promise to get clean.

At no time did he say something about staying clean.

...I think I just found something to do tonight