With Everything I Won't Let This Go

You are Laurie. You are sixteen years old, and you've been pummled by a car. Yet you are unmarked as you walk, hand-in-hand with your girlfriend Kaytee, through an uncharted wasteland blinded by a foggy haze. You are not frightened as you see her face, smiling happily and warmly towards you.

"He finally told you," she whispers to you, pulling you from Kaytee's grasp into a motherly hug.

"Why'd you die, mommy?" you blurt out, tears falling from your closed brown eyes.

"It's just the circle of life, I guess," she replies, looking you in the eye.

You sniffle, and nod, as the haze starts to clear around you. You don't recognize where you are for a while, but as you look around your surroundings, you start to remember your life and where you are.

"We're in Belleville Park?" you ask her.

She nods.

"Why?"

She sighs.

"Because you're hanging on. Your mind creates a place you feel the happiest, and you remain there - here - until you decide to go back, or move on..." Loryn says, looking away.

You look at Kaytee.

She's sitting on the floor, staring at her hands. She doesn't seem to notice, but there are pink-purple bruises all up her legs. You don't do anything, you don't say anything. You just nod and look up at your mom, knowing what you have to do.

"I want to go back," you whisper. "Kaytee?"

"Hmm?"

She looks up at you, distracted.

"Oh. Go on without me, I'll catch you up in a few."

You nod again, knowing. Everything fades away from you in front of your wide browns, and you feel yourself pulled backwards suddenly; everything goes black.

*

I opened my eyes slowly, holding back a gag at the tube down my throat. I looked around as best I could, then winced as a wave of pain hit my stiff body. Holding back my groan, I pointed my gaze in the way of where I expected Frank and Kaytee to be - Kaytee in her bed, obviously and Frank sit between us.

But they weren't there.

I started to panic, which obviously isn't good when you have 25cc's of painkillers running through your system, despite the fact they're apparently not working. I hate to imagine what it would have felt like without the constant pumped-in-by-a-tube-painkillers.

The machine beside my started beeping loudly and at a quick pace, and all I could see was the inside of my own skull as I vaguely felt the rest of my body literally flopping about. I somehow heard someone say something about a fit, and I panicked even more. It started to slow down to a stop as I painfully felt painkillers shoot into my system. Everything went dark, and I just felt at peace.

*

I don't know how long I was out that second time, just like to this day, I don't know how long after the accident I was out.

When I woke up, Frank was by my side. I didn't stop to ask where he'd come from, just immediately jumped in to try and ask where Kaytee was. Obviously, the breathing tube was still down my throat so I couldn't talk - just gag fiercely. Frank indicated to a nurse nervously and she came over. Terrified, I tried to move away, but I couldn't go very far.

She was very gentle, moving the tube slowly out of my throat, stopping every time I gagged. The tube was finally removed and I coughed, then smiled and thanked the nurse for helping to empathetically remove the foreign body. She smiled back and left the room to dispose of the used plastic.

"Where's Kaytee?" I asked Frank, hoarsely and immediately.

He swallowed, nervously over-thinking his answer. "She's in emergency quarantine."

My blood ran cold, suddenly remembering being in Belleville Park.

"Why?" I demanded.

Frank was terrified.

"She has Meningitis C. They're containing it but it's still early. It's pretty serious, Laurie," he croaked, his voice hoarse from shouting or crying or something.

*

I got out of hospital within three days, with a wheelchair as a complimentary leaving gift. I'd really charmed all of the nurses and doctors at the hospital, weaseling answers about Kaytee out of them. She was stable - she was slowly getting better.

All I did all day was sit up in my bed at Erryn and James' house. I couldn't go and stay at Frank's because he wasn't there; he was busy trying to make sure Kaytee was okay. I was glad he was there: one of us needed to be. Just because I was his biological daughter doesn't mean he had to abandon Kaytee. She was a lot more important, considering she was coming back from the brink of death.

*

Kaytee had gotten worse. I wheeled up next to her, with my medical gloves and medical mask I'd been provided with at the door to prevent contraction. Stroking her hand, tears rolled down my cheeks and soaked through my mask. Frank was doing the same. Over the last four weeks, he'd grown to know and love her as his own daughter, as if she was my older sister.

She'd contracted MRSA. None of the experimental drugs were working, so the doctors had made her as comfortable as possible. In my head, I didn't believe she was going to leave me. I made illogical assumptions that she'd just pull away from it and wake up any second.

Every twitch of her eyes, every spasm of her hand, every contraction of the muscles around her mouth made me believe there was still a part of her left inside the casing of pink-purple bruised body that was withering away before my eyes. I made irrational leaps between possibilities, and more irrationally argued with patient doctors that had done all they could, immorally begging them to do more or keep her alive, feebly pleading with them. My feeble pleas, however, were nicely and patiently rationalized by the doctors.

I felt so lost.

*

With every passing moment my moods became more violent and more depressive, or more emphatic and more hyperactive. Frank took me to one of the doctors and asked him to refer me to the psychologic persons of the hospital. They diagnosed me with bipolar disorder.

Two days after the diagnosis, Kaytee woke up for a split second. She smiled feebly at me, whispered goodbye as best she could through the breathing tube, then went limp. The breathing apparatus kept the machine from going haywire, but it did nothing for the feeling of immense loss that washed over me.

She was gone.

***
He told everybody goodbye
He had a look in his eye
Like this could be the last time

I knew you were feeling down
I wish that I'd been around
More
Could I have changed things
Maybe I could have changed things

And it's the rainy days
That mostly remind me

Goodbye friend I hope you found
The answers you were looking for
Goodbye friend I don't think that you ever knew
That there was someone here
There is someone here
Who misses you

And you were my biggest fan
Together forever and then
So many things I should have known
You were always there to help me along
And always there to sing my song
I wish I had told you
Man I sure hope I told you

And it's the rainy days
That still remind me
Yeah it's the crazy crazy days
I need you here

Goodbye friend I hope you found
The answers you were looking for
Goodbye friend I don't think that you ever knew
That there was someone here
There is someone here

Selfishly I'm mad at you
For making me feel like this
I wish I could talk to you
Like I used to and tell you that
Sometimes I hate you
For doing this to
The people that loved you so
They look at me
Like I'm supposed to know
And then I'm tired

So thank you for saying goodbye
And letting me know we're alright
I hope that I deserved that

Goodbye friend I hope you found
Whatever you were looking for
Goodbye friend I don't think that you ever knew
Goodbye friend I hope you found
The answers you were looking for
Goodbye friend I don't think that you ever knew
That there was someone here
There is someone here
Who misses you

Oh I miss you
God I miss you
I miss you
***