With Everything I Won't Let This Go

“Right babe. This is a band I stumbled across on the internet looking for pictures of the guy who played Marty McFly in the Back to the Future movies. Their name is McFly, ironically. English band, pretty damn good as well. And this, is a song that gets me through the day at school when people call on me,” Kaytee beamed, pressing play on the CD player.

“When everything is going wrong and things are just a little strange
It’s been so long now, you’ve forgotten how to smile
When overhead the skies are clear but it still seems to rain on you
And your only friends all have better things to do

When you’re down and lost
And you need a helping hand
When you’re down and lost
Along the way
Just tell yourself
Ah, I’ll be okay

Now things are only getting worse and you need someone to take the blame
When your lover’s gone, there’s no one to share the pain
You’re sleeping with the TV on and you’re lying in an empty bed
All the alcohol in the world would never help me to forget

When you’re down and lost
And you need a helping hand
When you’re down and lost
Along the way
Just try a little harder
Try your best to make it through the day
Oh, just tell yourself
Ah, I’ll be okay

You’re not alone
You’re not alone
You’re not alone

Just tell yourself
Ah, I’ll be okay
Oh just tell yourself
Ah, I’ll be okay
Won’t you tell yourself
Ah…

When you’re down and lost
And you need a helping hand
When you’re down and lost
Along the way
Just try a little harder
Try your best to make it through the day
Oh just tell yourself
Ah, I’ll be okay
Ah, I’ll be okay
Ah, I’ll be okay…”

I looked at her. “That’s fucking genius,” I grinned.

“I know! And, because I was bored, Frank let me use the computer and I thought you’d like them, I downloaded all their tracks and made CD’s,” she beamed.

She opened her bag and put a pile of CD’s on my bedside table. There were loads with proper copied CD sleeves, but there were a few with the just words ‘B-Sides, Unreleased and Covers’.

“Wow, this is amazing! How old are these guys now?”

“Tom would be 33, Harry would be 32, Danny would be 32 and Dougie would be 30,” Kaytee giggled.

“Dayum. They look pretty fine on here,” I said, picking up the Radio:ACTIVE box and eyeing the one with curly hair.

Kaytee laughed.

“If you like that, check this one out.”

“Life is getting harder day by day
And I, I don't know what to do or what to say, yeah
And my mind is growing weak every step I take
It’s uncontrollable
Now they think I'm faking

Coz I'm not alone
I'm not alone
I'm not alone

And I, I get on the train on my own
Yeah, and my tired radio keeps playing tired songs, oh
And I know that there's not long to go
Oh, and all I wanna do is just go home

Coz I'm not alone
I'm not alone
I'm not alone

People rip me for the clothes I wear, yeah
Every day just seems to be the same
They just swear, yeah
They just don't care
They just don't care
They just don't care

Coz I'm not alone
I'm not alone
I'm not alone

Na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na na
No
Na na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na na
No, no

Coz I'm not alone
La la la la, yeah
I'm not alone.”

“So, which one was singing there?”

“Danny. Tom’s voice is higher, and Dougie’s is higher still. Danny and Tom play guitar, Dougie plays bass and Harry drums. Dougie’s my personal favorite,” Kaytee grinned, pointing at the more punky looking one.

“I like this curly one. Which one’s he?”

“Danny. He’s got the best voice, I think. He was only like 22 when they did this album. They’re all pretty,” Kaytee laughed. “This one’s Tom,” she said, pointing at the one with the light, long hair and double shirt. “And that one’s Harry. He has a lightning shaped scar,” she laughed, pointing at the one with the least hair.

“Like Harry Potter? That’s cool! I never thought I’d like pop rock music, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers!” I beamed.

Kaytee and I just sat listening to various tracks by this McFly band. They were pretty good, I have to say. Not all of their stuff was really pop either. The early stuff was like pop, but when you went through, you found them getting rockier. They had their ballads, like every artist, and the ballads were always beautiful. Some of them even made me cry; like The Heart Never Lies and She Falls Asleep Pt. 2. It gave me a special feeling, and I got hopeful when Kaytee told me they were still going.

We were just about to listen through the latest album, when Frank yelled through the door to us, which made us a bit moody.

“Duck, you can come back to the bus!”

***
February 14th 2003. Gerard and Ellee marry.

February 14th 2013. Gerard and Ellee’s tenth anniversary.

The doorbell rang and Ellee practically bounced to answer it. There were already twenty thousand people inside, but there was always room for a Frank and a Jamia. But Gerard just sipped at the none alcoholic wine Ellee had provided especially for him and the older kids of the band.

Valentines Day. This time sixteen years ago, he was wooing Loryn and making her feel special. Now he was celebrating a marriage he was less than fully committed to. He hated the fact he still had some emotion towards his long passed ex, but he knew he couldn’t help it. He’d tried to get over her, he’d had three years before. Now he’d had an extra eleven years and he was still head over heels. For a dead girl.

“Come on, honey, be social with your band mates,” his wife smiled, kissing him lightly.

Though no matter how in love with Loryn he was, Ellee’s kisses still made him weak at the knees. Gerard nodded at his wife, sighed lightly to himself and walked over to the small clan of men that were gossiping about nothing whilst their wives were away.

“Hey,” Frank smiled to Gerard.

No one, but the people who knew everything, saw the fakeness in his smile, the heartbreak in his eyes, the meaninglessness in everything he did with Jamia. A part of him had died with Loryn, and it was evident to his friends with every move he made.

“Hey,” Gerard smiled, almost sadly, back.

“Well, congrats on ten years! Here’s to a great anniversary, and many to come!” Bob toasted, his arm happily round the shoulders of his beloved wife of seven years, Jez.

“Cheers!” everyone agreed, and Gerard smiled half heartedly and toasted his marriage.

He felt guilty, and even as the party went on, Gerard barely enjoyed it. He only really got into it whenever Ellee kissed him. He really did love her, but Loryn haunted him.

Before he knew it, guests started leaving, the kids were fast asleep, and the two of them were alone. Ellee closed the door behind the last drunken guest and laid her back against it, smiling coyly. Gerard smiled back, more sober than he’d ever been and yet so damn drunk in the moment.

He walked over to her and cupped her face with his hands, kissing her gently. Her hands came to his hips lightly and Gerard led her up the stairs and to their bedroom, occasionally taking breaths from the kisses.

Whilst she went and freshened up, Gerard undressed and settled himself in the bed, waiting eagerly. They hadn’t done this in a while, as the band had been on tour and Ellee had been working. It was about time they spent a little time together.

The en-suite bathroom door opened and Ellee stood smiling. Gerard’s mouth dropped open. She looked gorgeous. She went over to the bed and sat next to her beloved husband, who kissed her instantly.

They lay down, sinking into the kiss as Gerard rolled up her night dress. Still kissing his wife, Gerard slowly pushed in. He made it last, to show her how much he actually did love her. The room was filled with pants and moans, and the air became warm and sticky. It was a great way to end their anniversary.

As Gerard came finally and kissed his wife one last time, the clock stuck half past three in the morning. The party had lasted a long time.

The happy couple just laid in each others arms, not able to fall asleep as they didn’t want to let each other go. So minutes turned into hours, and they ended up half dressed and on the short balcony, watching the stars, until the sun began to rise.

“It’s beautiful,” Ellee smiled, her hands on top of Gerard’s around her.

“Like you,” Gerard smiled down at her.

She couldn’t help but blush and she kissed him tenderly, him stroking the side of her face softly with his knuckles. And for a few hours, Gerard forgot.
***