Skinny Jeans Have No Place On These Thighs
All In A Day
I go for four days all in all before I crack. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday I nearly slip because Izzie brings in a bag of Haribo, Friday, Saturday morning I wake up, no sign of Mum or William Birch and I go down stairs.
I've been feeling light headed since yesterday but I just tell myself it's my body adjusting. My mind keeps thinking things like, 'you're killing yourself', 'why can't you just eat sensibly' or 'you don't have to do this to fit in'.
That's the thing though, this isn't about fitting in. People are always like, 'you shouldn't do something you don't feel comfortable with' but this isn't about other people. This is about me. And I'm being self involved but isn't that better than never taking myself seriously or always treating myself like a joke compared to everyone else?
It feels like while everyone is living and being taken seriously, I'm left the 'funny' one. Not because I'm all that witty but because I act like an idiot to get cheap jokes out of it, so people will laugh at what I'm doing. That just doesn't seem to be enough anymore.
Sure, I'm probably going about this all the wrong way but it doesn't feel so wrong that I should stop. Having said this, I have a piece of toast on Saturday morning and then follow it up with a bowl of cereal in front of the TV.
My stomach feels full very quickly but despite the nauseous feeling, I carry on. I've undone all the careful work of the last few days but even though I'm torn up about it, I feel a little easier at the same time. Probably because I'm not starving.
Maybe I could just eat at the weekend? Could I train my body to do that? I'm not sure but people are always saying what an amazing thing the human body is. Maybe it could run on empty all week and then get fueled at the weekend.
To take my mind off it, I call Izzie and ask her to come around for a few hours even though Mum wouldn't let me. Mum even reminded me when she left by way of a note of all the things I'm not allowed to do, talk to to people on the phone, watch TV, go out anywhere, have anyone over. Izzie picks up the phone right away and even though she's meeting Andrew later on, she agrees to come around for a few hours.
Even though I cracked with the no food regime earlier, I remember to tell her not to invite Bridget. If I let Bridget come over, I'll start to tell myself 'you don't need to lose weight' or some other load of bollocks. She wouldn't even have to say anything. If we became proper friends again, I'd feel better about everything and my new will power would disappear. Bridget likes me as I am. Come to think of it, so does Izzie. The thing is Izzie mainly likes me as I am because I'm no threat to her and her beauty. Who would mind hanging around with a dumpy dwarf? I mean, you're bound to look heaps better by comparison aren't you?
It is crazy, isn't it? Even though I know Bridget will make me feel better, I push her away. It's just because this time I really feel like I can change and I can't be distracted by someone who will make me think it's OK to stay as I am. Deep down, there isn't anything fundamentally wrong with me. But on the surface I want to be so different, different so that one day the people closest to me will have to look at old photos to remember what I looked like.
Izzie arrives round about forty minutes later and true to her word she doesn't have Bridget with her. Instead, she has Andrew, parking his scooter by the gate with Izzie looking all pleased with herself.
"I'm sorry," she says quietly when Andrew goes to wash his hands in the kitchen sink. "He got to my house early. I wouldn't have come at all but I wanted to hear about what happened with you and Marcus last weekend! You never properly finished telling me."
This was mainly because after my Mum didn't let Izzie in to our house the other day - because I'm "grounded and certainly not allowed to have visitors!" - Izzie seemed to think it was my fault the next day and went into a mini sulk, and then promptly forgot about me and Marcus altogether.
I wouldn't really mind telling Izzie what happened with me and Marcus. Since it was a week ago, I think I can bring myself to talk about it just about now. But not in front of Andrew Foreman. So I just mutter that nothing really happened apart from the kissing and refuse to talk about it even though Izzie keeps poking me about it. We just sit in my garden for an uncomfortable twenty minutes with Izzie trying to fill the gaps in conversation but it's no use.
Andrew doesn't say anything voluntarily. This is unfair of me...he seemed a lot more interesting at Bridget and Seb's party when he and I were both on drugs. I truly can't see what Izzie sees in him. Maybe it's because he's a willing boy or that he has a scooter or that he's not in school anymore. I bet that there are loads of boys who Izzie could go out with though, she's so wasted on Andrew Foreman. I still can't believe they slept together that first night. I mean, certainly, that must have something to do with it all. Izzie must feel all grown up. I wonder if Andrew Foreman has ever realized that she's not sixteen.
When he goes to the toilet, I ask Izzie about this and she gets really huffy. "Oh for God's sake, like the government know whether or not I'm ready to start having a sex life or not. Please!"
"But does Andrew know?" I press on, keen to get an answer out of her. Secretly, I love watching her squirm - is that really wrong of me?
"Look, with me and Andrew, it's not about numbers and stuff, it's real. We're two people who want to...oh, look it's just - oh, shut up about it, Ella. I don't want to talk about it anymore."
But not eating has made me more of a bitch apparently and I don't let go. "If anyone found out, they'd call him a rapist," I say primly, even though I can't help feeling bad for Andrew because it's not his fault that Izzie Valentine isn't honest with him.
"Don't be stupid, of course he's not!"
"That's what people call it."
"What people? You don't know what you're talking about Ella. You've never even gone further than kissing, how could you ever understand this?" It turns out that Izzie is better at being a bitch than I am.
Andrew chooses this moment to come back from the toilet and Izzie gets up all melodramatically and announces to him that they're leaving. Andrew doesn't say anything. He just follows her to the bike without saying good bye to me and they both zoom off down the road together. I don't fancy reading any more so I go back and watch TV instead. I'm smarter this time around when my Mum comes home. I hear her car on the drive this time and turn it off before she comes in the front door.
I've been feeling light headed since yesterday but I just tell myself it's my body adjusting. My mind keeps thinking things like, 'you're killing yourself', 'why can't you just eat sensibly' or 'you don't have to do this to fit in'.
That's the thing though, this isn't about fitting in. People are always like, 'you shouldn't do something you don't feel comfortable with' but this isn't about other people. This is about me. And I'm being self involved but isn't that better than never taking myself seriously or always treating myself like a joke compared to everyone else?
It feels like while everyone is living and being taken seriously, I'm left the 'funny' one. Not because I'm all that witty but because I act like an idiot to get cheap jokes out of it, so people will laugh at what I'm doing. That just doesn't seem to be enough anymore.
Sure, I'm probably going about this all the wrong way but it doesn't feel so wrong that I should stop. Having said this, I have a piece of toast on Saturday morning and then follow it up with a bowl of cereal in front of the TV.
My stomach feels full very quickly but despite the nauseous feeling, I carry on. I've undone all the careful work of the last few days but even though I'm torn up about it, I feel a little easier at the same time. Probably because I'm not starving.
Maybe I could just eat at the weekend? Could I train my body to do that? I'm not sure but people are always saying what an amazing thing the human body is. Maybe it could run on empty all week and then get fueled at the weekend.
To take my mind off it, I call Izzie and ask her to come around for a few hours even though Mum wouldn't let me. Mum even reminded me when she left by way of a note of all the things I'm not allowed to do, talk to to people on the phone, watch TV, go out anywhere, have anyone over. Izzie picks up the phone right away and even though she's meeting Andrew later on, she agrees to come around for a few hours.
Even though I cracked with the no food regime earlier, I remember to tell her not to invite Bridget. If I let Bridget come over, I'll start to tell myself 'you don't need to lose weight' or some other load of bollocks. She wouldn't even have to say anything. If we became proper friends again, I'd feel better about everything and my new will power would disappear. Bridget likes me as I am. Come to think of it, so does Izzie. The thing is Izzie mainly likes me as I am because I'm no threat to her and her beauty. Who would mind hanging around with a dumpy dwarf? I mean, you're bound to look heaps better by comparison aren't you?
It is crazy, isn't it? Even though I know Bridget will make me feel better, I push her away. It's just because this time I really feel like I can change and I can't be distracted by someone who will make me think it's OK to stay as I am. Deep down, there isn't anything fundamentally wrong with me. But on the surface I want to be so different, different so that one day the people closest to me will have to look at old photos to remember what I looked like.
Izzie arrives round about forty minutes later and true to her word she doesn't have Bridget with her. Instead, she has Andrew, parking his scooter by the gate with Izzie looking all pleased with herself.
"I'm sorry," she says quietly when Andrew goes to wash his hands in the kitchen sink. "He got to my house early. I wouldn't have come at all but I wanted to hear about what happened with you and Marcus last weekend! You never properly finished telling me."
This was mainly because after my Mum didn't let Izzie in to our house the other day - because I'm "grounded and certainly not allowed to have visitors!" - Izzie seemed to think it was my fault the next day and went into a mini sulk, and then promptly forgot about me and Marcus altogether.
I wouldn't really mind telling Izzie what happened with me and Marcus. Since it was a week ago, I think I can bring myself to talk about it just about now. But not in front of Andrew Foreman. So I just mutter that nothing really happened apart from the kissing and refuse to talk about it even though Izzie keeps poking me about it. We just sit in my garden for an uncomfortable twenty minutes with Izzie trying to fill the gaps in conversation but it's no use.
Andrew doesn't say anything voluntarily. This is unfair of me...he seemed a lot more interesting at Bridget and Seb's party when he and I were both on drugs. I truly can't see what Izzie sees in him. Maybe it's because he's a willing boy or that he has a scooter or that he's not in school anymore. I bet that there are loads of boys who Izzie could go out with though, she's so wasted on Andrew Foreman. I still can't believe they slept together that first night. I mean, certainly, that must have something to do with it all. Izzie must feel all grown up. I wonder if Andrew Foreman has ever realized that she's not sixteen.
When he goes to the toilet, I ask Izzie about this and she gets really huffy. "Oh for God's sake, like the government know whether or not I'm ready to start having a sex life or not. Please!"
"But does Andrew know?" I press on, keen to get an answer out of her. Secretly, I love watching her squirm - is that really wrong of me?
"Look, with me and Andrew, it's not about numbers and stuff, it's real. We're two people who want to...oh, look it's just - oh, shut up about it, Ella. I don't want to talk about it anymore."
But not eating has made me more of a bitch apparently and I don't let go. "If anyone found out, they'd call him a rapist," I say primly, even though I can't help feeling bad for Andrew because it's not his fault that Izzie Valentine isn't honest with him.
"Don't be stupid, of course he's not!"
"That's what people call it."
"What people? You don't know what you're talking about Ella. You've never even gone further than kissing, how could you ever understand this?" It turns out that Izzie is better at being a bitch than I am.
Andrew chooses this moment to come back from the toilet and Izzie gets up all melodramatically and announces to him that they're leaving. Andrew doesn't say anything. He just follows her to the bike without saying good bye to me and they both zoom off down the road together. I don't fancy reading any more so I go back and watch TV instead. I'm smarter this time around when my Mum comes home. I hear her car on the drive this time and turn it off before she comes in the front door.
♠ ♠ ♠
Izzie Valentine and Andrew Foreman have now been going out for two weeks to the day.Bridget Evans spends her Saturday reading the rest of The Perks Of Being A Wallflower and watching Scrubs, Friends and Black Books.
Ella Sparks doesn't have supper and does the rest of her history work on the Crusades.