Skinny Jeans Have No Place On These Thighs
School With No Friends
So now neither of my best friends are speaking to me. Bridget is still pissed about me borrowing her phone and Izzie is angry about me implying her boyfriend is a rapist.
It's all wrong. I'm to blame about the phone, I shouldn't have taken it like that. And I know Andrew isn't a rapist at all, it's Izzie that's not being honest with him.
I'm the one that should be more honest. I should apologise to Bridget and tell Izzie the truth, that I'm angry with her on some deeper level that I can't get my head around.
Only of course I don't do anything of the sort. Instead, I get my own phone back.
It's only for a few minutes. I just want to see if Marcus has texted or not. I wait until my Mum has left for work on Monday morning and then go in and ransack her room which is hard to do because I need to leave it in exactly the same state. It's turned off and I have a pin number so at least I know Mum hasn't been checking or deleting any messages.
I eventually find it at the back of her bedside drawer beside a half empty packet of condoms and spermicide. I'm not sure what that is and I'm trying really hard not to try and work it out.
I turn my phone on and give it a minute. Eventually a text message does come through but it's just from Orange, offering me some deal or something. I barely read it. I turn the phone back off and put it back into the drawer.
At least I know now that Marcus hasn't been desperately trying to contact me over the last week. It doesn't help really to know that at all though.
The walk to school is uneventful and drags but not as much as the actual day does. Being at school when you're not talking to your friends is weird. It makes you see what your life could be like if you were a different sort of person.
Although I don't think that loners are always 'loners' by type anymore, or choice. Maybe a lot of loners are just people who fell out with their friends and couldn't make it up with them and consequently got doomed to wandering round at lunch time trying to look busy so everybody else doesn't think you're sad.
It's harder for me because I don't have any hobbies really. If you're musical then you go to the Music block at lunch time and practice or hang out or if you like Art you go and sit in the Art block and slosh paint around or work on some coursework.
But the only thing I like is history and that's not the same kind of hobby. I don't read a lot of history books, I just enjoy whatever we happen to be doing in class. So it's not a hobby, it's just something that I don't actively dislike. I do like it but not enough to really make a big deal about it.
Another thing about not hanging out with your friends is you notice how well they seem to do without you. Izzie, even though a lot of people don't like her very much, has started hanging around with some of the emo kids.
Bridget is hanging around with pretty Matthew Bryer and his boys and seems to be enjoying herself a lot. I've never spoken to Matthew Bryer really but he and Bridget seem a lot alike. Both nice, friendly, kind, reasonably funny. Bridget is good at engaging everyone's attention because she's got a sort of unoffensive, cocky charisma. But Matthew Bryer seems to hold a conversation just as well by doing less work. He's softly spoken and always quite still, never rushing anywhere. When they laugh though, you can hear it. It's sweet and I begin to wonder whether or not Bridget and he might be more than friends.
I really want to ask her but I don't suppose she'd tell me while we're not on speaking terms. I really miss Bridget. I miss her more than Izzie.
Izzie saunters along with the emo kids, Robbie, Toby, Becca, Cassie and Will. They giggle a lot too. In fact it's weird because I always though emo kids were all quiet and shy but this lot aren't at all. They're loud and a little obnoxious.
Becca and Robbie bully people a lot too. They do loud stage whispers about people when they walk by and then if the person turns to object, Becca and Robbie throw them dirty looks and then exchange glances with one another as if to say, 'oh...my...god...'
I don't like them one bit and I didn't think that Izzie did either. Although now I think about it they sort of do have stuff in common. Izzie probably likes a few of the same bands and she likes a good gossip.
Still, so do me and Bridget - so does everyone! - so I can hardly condemn them for that.
The other thing terrible thing about not having Bridget and Izzie around is that I notice my hunger more. I thought that without them around nibbling at chocolate and crisps I'd be less tempted but the truth is it's the exact opposite.
I do notice it more and it's because I've got nothing else to think about. With people around, your mind gets taken off it by general chit chat and laughing and gossiping and checking people out but without them, it's agony.
Those break times and lunch times are the longest of my life. On Tuesday, I go to my form room to do a bit of homework, trying to be all pious and studious. It's a strange thing but whenever I start to do a bit of work, I really like it and start to imagine that I'm some sort of genius. That I have undiscovered talents at studying - that I could be the best student in the world!
I completely romanticize my loneliness but I don't think about it like that because otherwise it all sounds really pretentious.
It doesn't really work though because there are loads of people in the form room and with everyone there I feel even worse because I can tell that loads of them are wondering why I'm sitting by myself.
Some of the boys start to tease me a bit. It's nothing dreadful but everything they say just stings and I'm believing every word like a gullible fish. I don't leave though because then they'll know they've got to me. I know that much at least.
Then suddenly it's Wednesday, I still haven't spoken to either Bridget or Izzie and I'm getting desperate. I'm absolutely ravenous but also angry because last night I had to have my dinner because my Mum made me sit at the table with her while she talked about her day at work and then I couldn't be sick, no matter how many times I tried.
I don't want to think about that anymore though.
At break time, I go to the toilets for the whole time and don't come out until I have history.
Izzie sits next to me still but all she does is check her phone for texts from Robbie and Cassie who are on the other side of the room. Bridget and pretty Matthew Bryer are just getting on with their work, occasionally giggling at something in the book. Some private joke about the Crusades that I'm not in on. It's not fair. History is my subject and they seem to following it so much easier than me.
At lunch time, instead of going to the form room, I head up to the library, having decided to dedicate the hour to the Crusades. The hour is well spent, sort of, because there are two boys from the year below in there as well and even though they're not doing the Crusades, they talk to me, probably because I'm older than them. We have a giggle about a cartoon I've never heard of and I watch as they draw rude pictures of the librarian, first as a tramp, then as a stripper and finally as God.
It's all wrong. I'm to blame about the phone, I shouldn't have taken it like that. And I know Andrew isn't a rapist at all, it's Izzie that's not being honest with him.
I'm the one that should be more honest. I should apologise to Bridget and tell Izzie the truth, that I'm angry with her on some deeper level that I can't get my head around.
Only of course I don't do anything of the sort. Instead, I get my own phone back.
It's only for a few minutes. I just want to see if Marcus has texted or not. I wait until my Mum has left for work on Monday morning and then go in and ransack her room which is hard to do because I need to leave it in exactly the same state. It's turned off and I have a pin number so at least I know Mum hasn't been checking or deleting any messages.
I eventually find it at the back of her bedside drawer beside a half empty packet of condoms and spermicide. I'm not sure what that is and I'm trying really hard not to try and work it out.
I turn my phone on and give it a minute. Eventually a text message does come through but it's just from Orange, offering me some deal or something. I barely read it. I turn the phone back off and put it back into the drawer.
At least I know now that Marcus hasn't been desperately trying to contact me over the last week. It doesn't help really to know that at all though.
The walk to school is uneventful and drags but not as much as the actual day does. Being at school when you're not talking to your friends is weird. It makes you see what your life could be like if you were a different sort of person.
Although I don't think that loners are always 'loners' by type anymore, or choice. Maybe a lot of loners are just people who fell out with their friends and couldn't make it up with them and consequently got doomed to wandering round at lunch time trying to look busy so everybody else doesn't think you're sad.
It's harder for me because I don't have any hobbies really. If you're musical then you go to the Music block at lunch time and practice or hang out or if you like Art you go and sit in the Art block and slosh paint around or work on some coursework.
But the only thing I like is history and that's not the same kind of hobby. I don't read a lot of history books, I just enjoy whatever we happen to be doing in class. So it's not a hobby, it's just something that I don't actively dislike. I do like it but not enough to really make a big deal about it.
Another thing about not hanging out with your friends is you notice how well they seem to do without you. Izzie, even though a lot of people don't like her very much, has started hanging around with some of the emo kids.
Bridget is hanging around with pretty Matthew Bryer and his boys and seems to be enjoying herself a lot. I've never spoken to Matthew Bryer really but he and Bridget seem a lot alike. Both nice, friendly, kind, reasonably funny. Bridget is good at engaging everyone's attention because she's got a sort of unoffensive, cocky charisma. But Matthew Bryer seems to hold a conversation just as well by doing less work. He's softly spoken and always quite still, never rushing anywhere. When they laugh though, you can hear it. It's sweet and I begin to wonder whether or not Bridget and he might be more than friends.
I really want to ask her but I don't suppose she'd tell me while we're not on speaking terms. I really miss Bridget. I miss her more than Izzie.
Izzie saunters along with the emo kids, Robbie, Toby, Becca, Cassie and Will. They giggle a lot too. In fact it's weird because I always though emo kids were all quiet and shy but this lot aren't at all. They're loud and a little obnoxious.
Becca and Robbie bully people a lot too. They do loud stage whispers about people when they walk by and then if the person turns to object, Becca and Robbie throw them dirty looks and then exchange glances with one another as if to say, 'oh...my...god...'
I don't like them one bit and I didn't think that Izzie did either. Although now I think about it they sort of do have stuff in common. Izzie probably likes a few of the same bands and she likes a good gossip.
Still, so do me and Bridget - so does everyone! - so I can hardly condemn them for that.
The other thing terrible thing about not having Bridget and Izzie around is that I notice my hunger more. I thought that without them around nibbling at chocolate and crisps I'd be less tempted but the truth is it's the exact opposite.
I do notice it more and it's because I've got nothing else to think about. With people around, your mind gets taken off it by general chit chat and laughing and gossiping and checking people out but without them, it's agony.
Those break times and lunch times are the longest of my life. On Tuesday, I go to my form room to do a bit of homework, trying to be all pious and studious. It's a strange thing but whenever I start to do a bit of work, I really like it and start to imagine that I'm some sort of genius. That I have undiscovered talents at studying - that I could be the best student in the world!
I completely romanticize my loneliness but I don't think about it like that because otherwise it all sounds really pretentious.
It doesn't really work though because there are loads of people in the form room and with everyone there I feel even worse because I can tell that loads of them are wondering why I'm sitting by myself.
Some of the boys start to tease me a bit. It's nothing dreadful but everything they say just stings and I'm believing every word like a gullible fish. I don't leave though because then they'll know they've got to me. I know that much at least.
Then suddenly it's Wednesday, I still haven't spoken to either Bridget or Izzie and I'm getting desperate. I'm absolutely ravenous but also angry because last night I had to have my dinner because my Mum made me sit at the table with her while she talked about her day at work and then I couldn't be sick, no matter how many times I tried.
I don't want to think about that anymore though.
At break time, I go to the toilets for the whole time and don't come out until I have history.
Izzie sits next to me still but all she does is check her phone for texts from Robbie and Cassie who are on the other side of the room. Bridget and pretty Matthew Bryer are just getting on with their work, occasionally giggling at something in the book. Some private joke about the Crusades that I'm not in on. It's not fair. History is my subject and they seem to following it so much easier than me.
At lunch time, instead of going to the form room, I head up to the library, having decided to dedicate the hour to the Crusades. The hour is well spent, sort of, because there are two boys from the year below in there as well and even though they're not doing the Crusades, they talk to me, probably because I'm older than them. We have a giggle about a cartoon I've never heard of and I watch as they draw rude pictures of the librarian, first as a tramp, then as a stripper and finally as God.
♠ ♠ ♠
Ella prefers being alone in silence than in noise.