Writing Words To The Music In Her Head

Since that night, everyone considered me and Mike as a couple.
He picked me up after School almost every day to have some lunch with me, and after Green Day practiced, he and I went up to my room and made out.
I think that's what couples do, but I wasn't used to it. Mike told me I was beautiful and that he was so happy that I felt the same way... At least that was what he thought, that I was in love with him.
I wasn't sure of my feelings at all, but I told everyone else that I really liked Mike. They usually thought it was in a romantic way, but I never said it.

Sure, Mike was good looking, charming, and cared about me. Plus; he was a very talented bassist in a punk-rock band. What more was I yearning for?
I knew the answer too well.

Billie.

* * * * * * * * *

Billie hung out a lot with Tré, and I mean a lot, since Mike and I started dating. After every band practice they hung out in our basement. Tré told me that Billie had a lot of shit on his mind, and that I shouldn't question him about it.
I hated that. Why would Tré tell me what to do? I was Billie's friend too! I was so involved in both Mike's and Tré's lives. Why wouldn't he let me in to his?
It was weird. Billie was like some kind of statue as soon as I was in the same room as him. He wouldn't even look at Mike and they'd been best friends for eight years.

“Mike...,” I mumbled between the kisses he spoiled me with.

“Mm... Yeah?” He whispered back and looked up into my eyes, instead of my lips.

He put some of my hair behind my ear. I bit my lip.

“Have you noticed that there's something wrong with Billie...?” I asked. “Or is it just me?”

Mike sighed.

“Well, yeah, but I think I know what's up,” he answered.

“Can you tell me?” I begged. “I've been kind off worrying, y'know.”

He looked me in the eyes. His was written with insecurity. Maybe I should've brought this subject up at a more decent time. Maybe I shouldn't have interrupted him when his hand was making it's way to undo my bra. Maybe...

“Yeah me too,” Mike interrupted my thoughts. “I think he's a little jealous of us. He wants someone, too.”

I nodded. I didn't feel like I had gotten any answer to my question, to be honest. I wanted to know a lot more about Billie than that.
Why was he shaking so badly, that nigh? Why did he cry? Mike and I wasn't even a couple by the time, and still Billie's reaction was overwhelming.
I looked back on the memory, when Billie's and my body was tangled together and holding each other close. I loved it. I wanted it to be that way. It felt somewhat... right.

Mike just smiled and leaned in for another kiss. I had to push myself not to sigh. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and kissed back.

* * * * * * * * * *

Lucy and I sat in the School Cafeteria the next day. We were studying for a test in maths, that we had both failed big time. We had gotten the chance to do it again, but my mind was blanc.
I bit on my pen. Lucy wasn't anyone I felt like I wanted to talk to right now. Besides; she didn't seem to pay attention to me, nor the maths-book on the table in front of her. She listened carelessly to her CD-player, enjoying the tones of Nirvana.

I wanted to do good on this test, I really did. My father's annoyed glances was enough. Him yelling at me for failing maths wasn't exactly something I needed.

Still, the numbers were floating together in a mess, making it impossible for me to concentrate.
I sighed in frustration. I just wanted to give up. What would maths have to do with me in the future? What I wanted didn't have anything to do with algebra or multiplication. I just didn't give a fuck about those things.

And still; the teachers thought it would be the most important things in our lives.

“Fail this test and fail your future”, was imprinted in their ignorant minds.

What exactly did they know about my future, if I may ask? What if I wanted to be on a stage, playing my music? And what if I saw a future in mine and Mike's relationship? If he was going to be a successful bassist, I didn't need a job.

A future... In me and Mike?
I almost laughed out loud. We were so different, in some way. He was an awesome friend, and we did have fun spending time together. But when it came to romantic stuff, I just didn't feel it.

It that everyone was talking about. I was starting to think that it didn't exist. I didn't love Mike like that, I just didn't.
I wanted to. He was so sweet. He cared for me, and he looked at me with eyes that told me he loved me. And I could tell that he liked Billie's glares, even though he would never admit it.

Would I let him have his fun? Or would I just... break up with him?

* * * * * * * * * * *

Two weeks were nothing. Two weeks weren't enough to make you truly love and care for someone. Two weeks were enough to make you realize if you had feelings for someone or not.

I know I didn't have feelings for him. Not the right feelings, anyway. Or did I? Was it supposed to feel like this right before you fall in love?

“Hey.” Mike broke that charming grin of his, and pulled me into a hug.

“Hi, Mike,” I mumbled and wrapped my arms around him.

My heart was beating faster and faster. For some reason, I didn't want to let go of Mike this time we hugged. He was so nice to me.

None of us pulled away from the hug. We just kind off... enjoyed the moment.
I breathed in his personal smell, and rested my head against his chest. For some reason, I felt safe right this moment.

I looked up at him. His blue eyes pierced into my soul, he was penetrating my thoughts. Then he kissed me softly on the lips. I closed my eyes.
Maybe this was what it was supposed to feel like, love. As if you were safe. Like you didn't want to let go.

Whatever I felt that night with Mike, it made me both confused and happy. Whatever it was, I didn't feel like breaking up with him..

Not just yet.

We walked through the park, hand in hand. I could feel the cool air tickling my eyes, making them a little teary. It was October now, and it was starting to get cold and dark on the night.
It was so quiet, I could hear Mike's soft breaths and how our steps echoed through the dark park.

“Are you coming to the show on Friday?” Mike asked, breaking the silence.

As soon as someone broke that kind off silence, it felt like you were thrown back into reality. I had to blink a little, to really come back to life.

“Huh?” I managed to say.

“The show,” Mike repeated. “Haven't Tré told you about it?”

I shook my head slowly.

“Well, it's our first show with Tré,” Mike said. “You're coming, right?”

“Um... yeah, sure,” I answered. “It'll be fun...”

I lost myself into thoughts again. Why hadn't Tré told me about the show? We didn't talk as much anymore. I sighed to myself. Fuck this.
It seemed like Lucy and Mike were the only two people I had right now.