Writing Words To The Music In Her Head

The thoughts of Billie and Adie were still annoying my mind as I sat on the couch next to Tré. We were watching Animal Planet, and I couldn't stop imagining those monkeys on the screen as Billie and Adie.
God, even their names fitted together. Sarah and Billie... Didn't that fit? It fitted way better than Sarah and Mike. At least it did to me.

”What's the matter?” Tré asked.

Ugh. The big brother-concern.

”Nothing,” I answered.

The worse answer that anyone could ever come up with. Since the beginning of time, any human being with a quite functional brain knew that 'nothing', really meant 'something huge that I don't want to tell you'.
And just when someone asks you that, you don't even come up with a good lie. You just automatically say that word, because you're too lazy to say anything else.

Tré turned to look at me. His eyes were filled with genuine worry.

”Tell me what it is,” he begged.

”I told you what it is!” I yelled. ”Nothing!”

And by acting out like a desperate teenager that was really crying for attention, I blew my cover as the indifferent 'nothing'-girl.
And being desperate was way worse than acting indifferent. I didn't even have to act out on my emotions this much to make Tré understand that something was wrong. He knew me too well.
Tré stayed quiet after my outburst, and just waited. He wanted me to tell him what my problem was. But, I would never tell him about it. I wouldn't tell anyone about it. My problem was that bitch Adie, my problem was that I was madly infatuated with Billie, my problem was that I was stuck in a relationship that I had lost all passion for (had I ever had any passion for it to begin with?). And all this, Tré had missed.
He was busy with the band, and trying to avoid our father's glares and attempts to conversation. I couldn't blame him, his life had taken a large turn since we moved to California. He used to be the class president, and now he was the drummer of a punk rock band.

But I wouldn't pour out my life story to Tré right now. I was going to sit on my ass and think about the things I hated to think about.
But before I could have a super time doing that, Mike appeared in the basement.

“Hey.. um, your sister let me in,” he explained himself, and then he grinned at me. His eyes were sparkling and I tried to smile back.

“Let's go to my room,” I suggested, trying not to talk in monotone.

Mike nodded to me, his smile disappearing. I was probably more obvious than I thought, then. Ah well, I just wanted to get this over with.

In my room, we sat on the bed and talked. He talked about Adie and Billie, and I tried to change the subject as much as I could. But no, he had to go on gossiping about the two of them. Jeez. He reminded me of Lucy at her worse.
So, from time to time, we stopped talking, and he gazed deeply into my eyes and kissed me.

“Do you want to...?” he mumbled into the kiss and pulled me closer. His hands were headed to under my shirt.

I didn't really want to.

“Sure,” I mumbled back.

* * * * * * * * *

When I woke up the next morning, with Mike's chest as a pillow, I felt oddly proud. I wasn't a virgin anymore. I bit my lip not to smile. I wanted to tell someone, anyone, but mostly I wanted to Billie to know. I wanted him to know that Mike and I were serious, and that he couldn't have me. Maybe he'd feel the same pain as I did, knowing that he belonged to someone else? Maybe he'd think of me, with a wrenching pain inside his chest?

Mike yawned and kissed me on the cheek.

“Good morning, love,” he mumbled, smiling.

“Hey...,” I whispered back.

I was going to make Billie at least believe that I was in love with Mike. Jealousy would get to him, and then he'd break up with Adie because of those feelings, and then he'd beg me to break up with Mike. I smiled wide at the thought.

“What are you smiling about?” Mike grinned and kissed my forehead.

“Just... being here,” I felt like an asshole. “With you.”

He looked so happy, that I couldn't take it back. What would I replace it with anyways? “I just came up with an evil plan to make Billie love me instead of Adie?” Jeez. I wasn't that stupid.

* * * * * * * * * *

The day went on. Showering, eating, pissing, doing nothing. I locked myself in my room with Misfits playing in the background. Fuck, I wanted to get out of this.
I felt like I was in a teenage-drama, and I knew exactly which part I played. The bad girl. I was the one that the audience would hate, wanting to throw popcorns at, because I wanted to destroy the perfect couple. Billie and Adie. Blargh. Their names hung like a black cloud over my head, pouring out rain and get me soaking fucking wet. No matter how much I wanted to get out of the rain, all I could hear, think, was about them.

Was I becoming obsessed? I did not want to believe that. I tried to think about something else. I had a test in English next week. Lucy wanted us to go shoe-shopping. Mike would want to sleep with me again.
None of those thoughts got me anywhere. All they leaded up to was my own black cloud. It annoyed me to no end, they made me want to throw my fists into a wall and scream in agony. I was almost scaring myself when I thought these thoughts.
I had somehow always been angry. It wasn't often I cried, if I did it was most likely because of my dad. He was the only one I couldn't make myself throw a tantrum at. It would just confirm everything he thought about 'punk', anyways.

There was a knock on my door.

“Come in,” I said, my voice breaking in a weird way that I hadn't at all expected it to.

Billie appeared in the doorway. He had dyed his hair black, but it was still the same charming mess that I wanted to run my fingers through. A pair of baggy jeans were hanging low on his hips, showing a hint of black boxers between his pants and white Ramones-shirt. He broke a large grin, revealing all of his cigarette-yellow, misfit teeth. I felt my heart beat faster, and clutched my pillow hard not to run up and hug him.

“Hey,” I said, my voice still sounding strange and raspy.

“Hi,” Billie greeted me, and sat down on the bed next to me.

I waited for him to speak. He looked like he was trying to brace himself to what he was going to say. He looked around in the room, anywhere but me. Was he trying to find the right words? My heart stopped beating fast, I couldn't feel it at all now.

“Um... y'know, I've heard that you don't feel so good, right now, y'know?” He rambled on.

I swallowed thickly. I was in no mood of denying it, I just nodded.

“Well... is there anything you, y'know, want to talk to me about?” His concerned frown was nowhere near as pretty as his smile. “I mean, you didn't wanna talk to Tré about it so...”

He gazed down on his feet like they were the ones who would answer his question.
I had no idea what to say. I bit my lip. I knew I couldn't tell him all about me loving him. I couldn't tell him about how I hated Adie. Fuck. What was I going to say?

“I-I don't really know, what's wrong, I mean,” I felt fucking pathetic. “I just feel so fucking low all the time.”

“Yeah, I know the feeling,” he replied, now gazing into my eyes. Oh those beautiful, green eyes. But then he looked down again, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “Y-y'know the time we had that sleep-over? And played dare or dare?”

Thump, thump, thump. My heart started going crazy again. “Yeah?”

Was he finally going to tell me what the hell happened with him there? I couldn't help but stare in anticipation.

“Well, I didn't feel so good,” he admitted. “I sometimes get something called...”

And like that, the fucking door burst open, Tré throwing himself on Billie and grinned like a maniac. Billie let out a loud yelp and started laughing, as Tré straddled his waist and started tickling him madly.

“Hey, stop it!” Billie almost screamed, his face flushed.

The panic in his eyes was amusing, and his cackling laugh echoing through the room made me even giggle a bit. But FUCK, I could kill Tré right now.
Hadn't he just stopped Billie from revealing what the fuck was wrong with him that night,some weeks ago? I wanted kick and punch him, but seeing him and Billie laugh, Billie finally breaking free and hunting Tré out the door, made me just lay down on my bed. I shut my eyes tightly and cursed loudly to myself in to the pillow.