Writing Words To The Music In Her Head

I lay there in my bed, slamming my fist into the mattress and cursing into the pillow, for quite a while before someone coughed awkwardly behind me.
My whole body froze. Did someone see me like this? Oh, my God. I suppressed an unexpected laughter that was bubbling up from the pit of my stomach as I turned around to greet the quiet visitor.
Long, black hair. An awkward smile, as she played with her lip ring. She wore black eyeliner and red lipstick, and her name was Adie. Her name was fucking Adie.

“Hi…,” she said, totally at ease. “I’m Adie. Y’know, Billie’s friend?”

I found myself just staring at her.

“Oh, right,” I shook my head, as if to shake my surprise away. “I’m Sarah… Tré’s sister.”

I bit my lip not to laugh.

“Ah, I think I saw you at their gig?” She was trying to make conversation. How sweet.

“Yes, I was there,” I wasn’t going to tell her that I saw her too. Hell no.

Then, suddenly, she started laughing. To be honest it sounded more like cackling… but she just laughed. And like that, the threatening laughing fit in my stomach disappeared. Like that. Seeing her laugh, made me pissed off.
I tried to smile, though. I couldn’t just stand there. But the way she laughed seemed like she was laughing at me.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she said between her cackles. “I just… Ha, sorry. I didn’t meant to intrude like this. I don’t know why you were trying to smother yourself with that pillow but…”

I felt my face turn burning red, and my heart stopped beating. Just… physical pain ripped through my chest. Why was I like this? Why would I always fuck things up? Normal people didn’t fucking scream swear-words into their pillows when things went wrong. They didn’t. Especially when the door to their room was open and there were people at home. No, people didn’t do that. But I did. Why? Because I was a fucking idiot. Of course this would happen. Of course this ‘stranger’ would walk into my room and laugh at me. I tried to breath normally and ignore the pain. I would do this.

“Hah, yeah, it looked pretty damn funny, didn’t it?” I managed through my clenched teeth. I tried to sound happy and careless, but the angry edge to my voice was all too evident to have her fooled.

“Why did you do it?” Adie was still smiling that mocking, fucking smile.

Well, your boyfriend was about to tell me something I’ve been pondering for weeks, and my retard for a brother came in and ruined it. And THAT was my reaction.
Like I’d ever confess that.

“I just found out…,” What the fuck? What did I just find out? “Um, I just found out that I’m out of…” I looked at her. What was I out of? “Eyeliner. I’m out of eyeliner. I have a hard time with that.”

I added a grin.

“Really?” Adie looked shocked. “I’m out of eyeliner too! Can’t we go out shopping tomorrow?”

I clenched my teeth again and forced a smile.

“Sounds just… brilliant,” I said.

I had tons of eyeliner that I’d gotten for birthday presents and Christmas gifts, which I refused to use. Bad fucking excuse. And now we where going to pretend to me best friends? YAY!

And by that point, Tré and Billie joined us in my room.

“Hey! I got him!” Tré exclaimed, with his arm around Billie’s shoulders.

“He did get me,” Billie nodded. “But I’m onto him.”

He nudged him playfully in the side.

“Aw, you two look so lovey-dovey right now,” Adie giggled and then laughed her cackling laugh.

“Don’t we?” Tré looked proud.

Billie just cringed out of his grip and made a good distance between the two of them.

“We don’t!” Jesus, that guy seriously had a problem with referring to homosexuality. What was his problem?

Right. I hadn’t found out about his problem because Tré interrupted us, and now I want to kill him. How could I forget?

“Oh, hi, Adie!” Tré exclaimed and hugged Adie, who looked horrified.

“Don’t worry, Adie, he’s okay,” Billie grinned to her in a way that made me want to puke. “Wouldn’t hurt a fish.”

“Wouldn’t hurt a fish?” Adie looked confused.

“Yeah… I mean, flies I think he can handle.”

They both giggled at that, and that made me feel even worse.

“But seriously, guys, let’s go down to the basement,” Billie stated and ran his fingers through his messy, black hair. “Band practice, remember?”

Tré and Adie nodded and smiled, like normal people do when they talk to people, and did as he said. I could just stand there, paralyzed. I tried to collect my thoughts, but failed. I didn’t know what I was feeling. I just knew that seeing Adie eye Billie like that made me feel anything else but good. But what was worse was that Billie liked it.

“Hey, Sarah, are you coming?” Billie came up to me and smiled. He put his arm around my shoulder.

“Yeah…” I started walking with him. My limbs felt detached from the rest of my body. What was happening to me?

“Um… that talk, y’know?” He mumbled. “That we had before? Forget about it. It was nothing.”

“Don’t say that!” I gasped. “We have to talk about it!”

He raised an eyebrow in surprise. Even I was surprised at how I was reacting.

“Why? What do you care?”

“Well… I’m your friend, and stuff…,” I mumbled. “I care about you.”

I felt like I was going to cry. The look on his face was far beyond beautiful. How his eyebrows were raised high on his forehead, but I could tell he was serious from his green, gazing eyes. He bit his lip and looked down, as if he was fighting the urge to show emotion too. We had stopped in the middle of the kitchen and just stood there, so close. His arm around me, allowing our sides to touch. When he finally looked up, and our eyes met, I drowned in his green ones. I couldn’t help myself. I threw an arm around him and hugged him tightly. And as I came to my senses, I felt that he hugged me back just as tightly. As if we were just one piece, and if we let go we would shatter.

“Don’t forget about that,” I whispered to him, and I was surprised that I could be this honest with him. “I care about you, and I want to know about you.”

I heard him swallow.

“Thanks,” he whispered back throatily, tears in his voice.

We detached from each other and just gazed into each others eyes. This was what it was supposed to be. Just him and me, together. My emotions were stronger than ever, and nothing but him existed right now.

Then he cracked a smile.

“Let’s go party,” he then shouted loudly and ran down the stairs.

That was the difference between Billie and me. He always had his way of just covering his feelings with a knowing smile, he had his way of forgetting stuff to be able to move on and act normal with his friends. Whenever I felt something, I had to act it out. I couldn’t act normal because I didn’t feel normal.
Maybe it was because I’d never felt this strong about something before? I bit my lip and looked down on my feet, before I trudged after him.