Writing Words To The Music In Her Head

When you get into the situation where you feel like you have to agree on something for some reason, even though you really don’t want to? Don’t agree to it. It’ll get you into some deep shit. I should know.
But now I couldn’t just back out of it, no matter how much I wanted to.

And if I got the urge to just run away from the awkward situation, I couldn’t. I was stuck; Literally, physically. Lucy’s arm was crooked with mine and man, she was strong. Better not fuck with that.
One thing that made me feel a little better, though, was that Adie seemed to be just as uncomfortable as I was. Yeah, like she could complain about anything. She was practically Billie’s girlfriend. She was spoiled enough to handle some pain, right?
So, inviting Lucy bit me in the ass as well as it satisfied me. And that’s not making me a masochist… Probably a sadist but not a masochist.

After buying the very “needed” eyeliner, we ended up on a café. Eating. Talking. Well, Lucy did most of the talking. Adie rolled her eyes at times, which was the only vital sign she showed. I tried to talk to Lucy, just to make Adie jealous of our friendship, or something like that… It didn’t seem to work out anyway.

“So, Adie, are you and Billie, like, together?” Lucy asked, a stupid grin on her face.

Adie looked a little taken aback by the question. Then she blushed and smiled.

“Maybe, I don’t know,” she giggled, and Lucy clapped her hands together.

“Aw, that’s so cute!” She exclaimed. “Have you kissed yet?”

“No…,” Adie answered, shy.

Her answer made me want to shout out in happiness.

“Aw, it’s coming, sweetie.” Her voice was so sickenly sweet and ingratiating that I wanted to throw up. “Mike and Sarah has already gone all the way.”

I stared at her, and Adie flashed a grin.

“Really?” She asked in a knowing voice that made me nervous.

“Well, yeah,” I said. I wasn’t going to hide it or anything, the topic just made me uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable enough to think of an escape route… I was safe now. Lucy wasn’t hugging my arm so hard that the blood flow stopped; no, I could run away if I wanted to. Move out of California and forget about all of this.
What the hell? I couldn’t leave Billie. I had to save him from this… bitch. She couldn’t be his future. She was just a bitch. Laughing at me and gossiping about me with Lucy. Nu-uh. Not happening.

“That’s none of your business anyway,” I added then, but regretting it as soon as it slipped out of my mouth.

“Oops…,” Lucy grinned. “Tough subject.”

Adie laughed. It was the second time she laughed at me since we met, and I didn’t like it at all.

“So, Luce, do you have a boyfriend?” Adie asked.

“No,” Lucy blushed. “But I like someone…”

The answer was a clear invitation to further questions. Lucy liked to be the centre of attention.

“Who?” Adie asked, and now it seemed like she used my own trick against me. I knew she was just being nice to Lucy to make me feel lonely.

“I don’t want to tell…,” was Lucy’s reply and she smiled again.

“Aw, please,” Adie begged.

“No,” Lucy’s answer finalized the conversation.

I wondered who it was that she ‘liked’. If not Kurt Cobain, then who?

*

After the killer shopping tour, I collapsed on my bed. I just wanted to be alone.
For some reason, Adie had something against me. It wouldn’t really be fair if I was just mean to her about stuff, so I guess this was the way it was supposed to be. Either way, I didn’t like it. I hated having enemies, or holding a grudge against someone. But here I was, planning on how to get her out of Billie’s way.
The only good thing about it was that they were obviously not dating yet. Well, not seriously anyway. She liked him, but there were no certain evidence that told us that Billie liked her too… At least, that was what I wanted to comfort myself with. You could see it in his eyes, and hear it in his voice each time he spoke of her. There was something special about it that I couldn’t comprehend.
But then I wondered, did I look so obviously in love every time I talked about Billie? Not that I talked about him that much, but sometimes that topic came up… Then I decided; I couldn’t look happy when I talked about him. I didn’t feel happy when I talked about him, because the whole ‘Billie’-thing just made me depressed anyway.

I remembered the day he and I went shopping for Tré’s still upcoming birthday. It had been such a good day… Just him and I, alone. It always felt special when we were together. We got along and had fun, and I just… forgot about the problems. Only he mattered, you know? It felt like I could tell him everything, but I restrained myself from it. I wanted him to be happy. We had such an obvious connection, but if he felt better off with Adie… The thought made stupid tears come to my eyes… Then I had to be OK with it. There was nothing wrong with Mike, but he felt more like some kind off brother/friend to me, rather than a boyfriend.

There was a knock on my door, and I sat up on my bed, and forced the tears away.

“Yeah?” I sounded very calm.

“Hey…” It was Mike. With his mousy, blond hair and impish grin. He never ceased to surprise me with his choice of clothes; today he was wearing a pair of yellow trousers and a striped red and blue t-shirt… An almost painful mismatch. But it somehow matched his personality.

“Oh, hi, Mike,” I said and smiled. I was happy to see him. I liked him. Just not like I liked Billie.

He sat down on the bed next to me.

“I haven’t seen you in so long,” he complained.

“Yeah, I know,” I answered, but I couldn’t wipe the smirk of my face. “It sucks.”

“It does,” he sighed, and let his hand travel to my thigh. I had to control myself not to sigh.

“Well, we’re together now,” I mumbled and looked up on him.

He smiled and nodded, before he kissed my lips. I closed my eyes and let him kiss me.
Then he pulled away.

“Why aren’t you kissing me back?” He sounded hurt.

I hadn’t even thought about kissing him back.

“What do you mean?” I asked foolishly.

“Don’t play stupid; You never kiss me back,” he sighed. “I don’t know… Is there something wrong with me? Don’t you like me?”

“It’s not that,” I tried to reassure him. “I’ve just… had a lot of things on my mind.”

“Like what?” He didn‘t believe me.

“Y’know…,” I tried to come up with something except from Billie, but failed. “I’m just worried about Billie.”

Mike sighed loudly and stood up.

“Billie, Billie, Billie,” he chanted. “It’s always about Billie. Can I ask you, what it is that is so Goddamn special about him? It’s always like this. He’s happy now, and all you can think about is him.”

He looked extremely pissed off.

“There’s nothing ‘special’ about him,” I defended myself. I stood up too now. I hated it when people yelled at me. “I don’t think he’s going to be happy with Adie. She’s just so fucking bitchy, haven’t you noticed?”

This wasn’t back talking someone, was it? I hated to do that. But I just had to let my feelings out about her.

“What?” Mike asked, surprised. “This isn’t about Adrienne, and you know it, Sarah.”

“It is, I swear!” Liar, I thought to myself.

“No, it’s not,” he looked down on his feet and scratched his head in worry. “I’ve tried to ignore this, but I just can’t anymore. Is there something… between you and Billie?”

I raised my eyebrows in fake surprise.

“What are you talking about?” I yelled. “He’s nothing else than my friend! I care about my friends enough to consider if their girlfriends are good enough for them.”

“Why won’t you let your friends make their stupid mistakes?” Mike hissed. “It’s not like you’re their mother. Fuck, Sarah. Get a grip.”

And with that, he left me alone in my room.