Writing Words To The Music In Her Head

I woke up after a stiff first night in the new house. It wasn't because of the bed, the bed was fine, but I had a hard time sleeping. I hated sleeping in a new place, especially with the knowledge that today was going to suck, badly. I had never attended new in a school, but I did know that most sixteen year old girls where very interested in new people. I didn't want to be 'new'.

That morning, I choose my outfit with care. What impression did I want to make? Would I be the 'cool punk that never cared' or the 'goody-two-sho'? Wasn't there a way to mix those two styles?
If I did, people would just see me as confused, or just as an intimidating punk anyway. I decided to wear what I used to wear; a pair of ripped jeans and a Misfits-tee.

I made my way to the bathroom. It wasn't occupied, thank God.
I took a look into the mirror. There I was, in all my glory. I had always hated the way I looked. It wasn't like I was abnormal, it was just these little things that just destroyed everything. My nose was too short and my my eyes where too far away from eachother. My chin was very strong and stood out a little, witch made me look kind off butch, and I had a strong jaw. No girl wanted to look like that, if their boyfriend wasn't bisexual or something.
I brushed my hair. As usual it didn't look good. It was darkbrown, and I always ruffled it up with my hands. I tried not to care what I looked like. It was so hard, especially if your life was a constant bad hair day.
I didn't care enough to put any make-up on. Make-up wasn't real. People had to face the tough reality – not all girls had doll-faces.

I gave the mirror one last, somewhat reassuring, glance before I turned my back to it and went downstairs.

Dad had already left to go to work, so only Frank and Kim sat down by the kitchen-table as I joined them.
I filled my glass with orange-juice and started making a sandwich.

”Good morning”, Frank said cheerly and took a bite of the banana in his hand.
”Good morning”, I muttered back without looking up.
”No one'll think you're sexy if you're going to act grumpy all day”, he warned me with a grin.
I looked up.
”Sexy?” I asked. ”Being sexy is the last thing I care about right now!”
Kim giggled where she sat beside me.
”What do you care about, then?” Frank smiled.
”Surviving”, I replied and tried not to let the nasty images of kids shoving me into lockers take over my brain.
”You'll be fine”, Frank assured me. ”Just like Kimmie.”
”Well, Kimmie's eleven years old, Frank”, I muttered. ”It's not like anyone is going to kill her.”
”So you're going to get killed?” Frank raised his eyebrows.
”Yes!” I gulped down my juice. ”I won't be accepted at all!”
I stared at him.
”Eh, don't worry, sis. I can always punch them with my invisible giant fist.”
I snorted. The 'invisble giant fist' was an inside joke of ours. Don't ask.

After breakfast Frank dropped Kim off at her new School, and five minutes after we arrived at our new School.
We stayed in the car for a while.
”Are you okay?” Frank asked.
I closed my eyes and tried to collect my thoughts.
”No. They're going to hate me.”
”That's ridiculous”, Frank tried. ”They don't even know you. And you don't know them, so stop judging them and grow up!”
He opened the door and forced me out of the car. I didn't really fight back, that would look too childish, but I really didn't want to attend School like this. I was an emotional wreck.

*

After we'd gone to the reception and got our lockerkeys, scheduels and maps of the School, Frank walked with me to my locker.
”Don't worry”, he said. ”I'll follow you to your locker, but then you'll have to make it on your own.”
Make it? How the hell would I make it? As I looked around me, all I could see was immature students that gave me dirty looks. They hated me, and they thought I dressed funny. I looked down on the ground and skipped on my way. I felt someone grab me by my shirt to stop me.

My mind went blank and I planned a quick escape. I glanced up at the guy who did it, to meet Frank's clear blue eyes. I sighed in relief.
”Your locker's right here”, he said. ”We almost missed it.”
”Don't ever scare me like that again”, I growled as I put the key into the keyhole and shoved my messenger-bag into the locker.
Frank laughed.
”I can't promise you that”, he said. ”If you're going to act this paranoid for the rest of your life, you wont ever go around safe with me.”
I glared at him.
”I got to go”, he continued, avoiding my anger. ”Good luck. See you by lunch.”
I only nodded as I saw his bodyframe walk past the kids in corridor.

I missed him already. I wouldn't ever survive this horrible, horrible School.
I picked up my Scheduel and was assured that my first class was english with someone called ms Speller (I actually giggled at that), and that it started in five minutes in classroom number 189.

I had always been a good map-reader, so I found the classroom pretty easily. I walked in and sat down in the middle of the room. There was only a few students that was there in time, but I could already tell that my choice of seating was the worse ever. From this way, everyone could see me. From the sides, from the back, from the front.
... Maybe not so much from the front. But those who sat there could always glance back casually and pretend to talk to a friend.
Everyone could see me.
As the other kids attended the class, I felt trapped. It was like a cage of benches and curious looks. The claustrophobia took over my senses.
I avoided their eyes as much as I could, but of course as soon as everyone had sat down and ms Speller cleared her throat, my day was officially ruined.

”Welcome to class. We have a new student here”, she said. ”Why don't you stand up and introduce yourself?”

I stared at her. I thought that I maybe could give her some sort of sign that I was terrified, that I was trapped, that I wanted to die right this second. But she just smiled encouraging and gestured me to stand up. Was she crazy? Did I need to wear a shirt that said 'Don't talk to me' and yell 'I do not want to introduce myself' into a microphone? I doubted that she'd get my point, even with all those things. I bit my lip so harsh that I actually could taste some blood, and the nasuea made my head spin.

I stood up.
”What's your name?” Ms Speller asked.
”Uhm...”, I stuttered. ”I-I'm Sarah. Sarah Wright.”
Oh and did you notice? I got a terrible stage-fright! Isn't that just lovely?
”Okay, Sarah”, ms Speller smiled. ”So where are you from?”
I hate you. ”New Jersey.”
She just nodded.
”You can sit down now. Today we're going to talk about adverbs...”

Adverbs? I wasn't going to talk about any adverbs! I had just experienced a traumatic event that would probably take a lifetime to get over. My heart was racing a million beats per second and I could feel how unsteady my breaths where.
I was such a wimp. They all thought I was just a girl dressed up in tough clothes to hide my insecurity.
I mentally slapped myself across the face. Woah. I was taking this too far. I was cool. I didn't care what anyone else thought of me. I didn't care that my voice was high-pitched when I was nervous... I really didn't. I swear.
I didn't convince you, did I? Ah well, I could at least fool myself, couldn't I?

When the class ended I was on my way to escape but was stopped by someone calling for me.
”Hey, Sarah!”
I turned around to catch a glimpse of a blonde girl with thick glasses and freckles. I actually hadn't seen her during the class. Maybe she sat in the back (= maybe she was smart).
”Sarah's your name, right?”
I blinked twice.
”Yeah, yeah, it is”, I managed to say.
She smiled.
”I'm Lucy”, she introduced herself and walked up to beside me.
”Hi”, I said and smiled back.
We walked towards my locker together. She was obviously not dangerous. She wouldn't gossip or anything, right? She wouldn't trick me into something?
”What's your next class?” She asked.
I looked at my scheduel.
”It's french”, I answered.
”Aw, shit”, she swore. ”I have maths now. Care to meet me by lunch?”
Woah, this was going fast.
”Uhm...”
”Trust me”, she interrupted. ”I know what it's like to be the new kid. I've only been here for a year. Just keep yourself invisible.”
”Me? Invisible?” I actually laughed in her face.
She smiled.
”Alright, maybe not invisible”, she said. ”But at least don't make a scene. They love that.”
I could imagine who 'they' where. I shuddered by the thought.
”I'll see you later”, she said and went to her locker.

I hadn't even accepted her request about having lunch together. She was obviously one of the tough girls, someone who was secure about herself.
I frowned to myself as I went to my next lesson. This was hell.

*

On my way to lunch I couldn't help but roboticly repeat the days conversations inside my head over and over again. Did I say something weird? Would something get turned against me?
I hadn't had a real conversation other than ”where are you from?” and ”how do you like California?”, but what if someone was offended by the answer ”I don't really know yet, I haven't been here for so long”? That was probably the stupidest thing I had said all day.
I mean, you don't just stand there, being honest! Why didn't I just say ”it's alright”? I groaned to myself. I always fucked everything up.

It was a relief, to say the least, to see Frank's fimiliar grin when I sat down by his table. I hadn't seen that Lucy-girl yet, so I hoped she'd see me. The last thing I wanted was people to think I was a bad friend who didn't care about anyone.
”You've survived, I see”, Frank stated.
”More or less”, I mumbled. ”Have you made any friends yet?”
Even if I was going to be an outsider, I wanted things to go well for Frank.
”Yeah, he's going to sit with us”, he said. ”What about you?”
”Well, it was this girl...”

”Hey, Frank!” I got interrupted by a pubertal blonde dude who sat down next to me.
”Hey, Johnny”, Frank smiled.
”Is this your sister?” the 'Johnny'-guy asked and looked at me.
I couldn't tell what he thought when he looked at me. But he talked about me in third person when I sat right next to him, so I guess I scared him.
”Yeah, that's Sarah”, Frank replied and smiled to me.
I smiled back. It felt good to have a brother like Frank. He wasn't ashamed of me or anything. That's one of the good thing about having a brother who was only a year older than yourself.

An awkward silence later, which felt like a lifetime but only lasted for 30 seconds, Lucy came to sit with us.
”Hi, Lucy”, I greeted her.
”Hi”, she said. ”Gosh, I hate mr Robins! He must be the most annoying maths-teacher to ever walk this earth, seriously!”
Johnny cleared his throat awkwardly and Frank looked out the window. Why, I didn't know, but I wouldn't ignore her.
”Why?” I asked instead and kicked Frank on the leg under the table.
He let out a small whimper, but seeing my angry frown made him at least pretend like he was paying attention.
”He was so pissed off at me for no reason”, Lucy whined. ”He was all over me the whole lesson! I thought he was going to kill me.”
I smiled.
”This isn't funny”, she sighed. ”He is like this all the time. I can't help that I forgot the homework at home.”
I didn't even answer. Now I'd fuck this friendship up too. She just told me about a mean teacher, and I almost laughed at her. Only a bad person would do such a thing.
Even though, Lucy actually was kind off annoying.. During the whole lunch she kept babbling about unimportant stuff like teachers, make up and her cat Jose.
But that made me a bad person just by thinking about her like that. I had to give her a shot.

*

”Man, Lucy is annoying!” Frank exclaimed on our way home.
”Oh, stop it!” I begged. ”She's kind.”
”Kind?” Frank's tone told me that he couldn't believe what I was saying. ”She was... so boring!”
”I know you love her, just admit it!” I snickered.
”Seriously, Sarah... Euw.”
”Oh, so you're in to Johnny?”
Frank raised an eyebrow.
”Who said I was in to anyone in the first place? And for your information, Johnny already has a boyfriend.”
I stared at him.
”No he doesn't”, Frank laughed. ”He's in denial.”
I laughed too. Wow. Who would've thought I'd be laughing after such a traumatic day?