Writing Words To The Music In Her Head

I could barely hold the tears back when we said good bye to the guys, as they hopped on board on their tour bus, the bookmobile, and left the four of us here in Oakland.
Even though I’d felt awkward to say goodbye to Mike, since his girlfriend was there, too, I didn’t care enough to pay that much attention to that.
I was busy analyzing Billie’s eyes as he said his goodbye to Adrienne, and as he said goodbye to me. I felt my heart swell a little bit when he said “I’ll miss you” to me, and just “I’ll see you in a couple of weeks” to Adrienne.

The whole scene looked like a total cliché. The men said goodbye to their wives as they went out on war… It seemed.
Lucy had decided that the four of us would have some ice cream after they had gone, so we bought our ice creams and sat down on a bench outside the mall.

The sun was high and proud on the sky and there weren’t any clouds on the California sky. It was the beginning of march, already. I couldn’t believe it had only been six months since I moved here… The amount of important things that had happened here was more than I’d ever experienced back in New Jersey.

“I’m going to miss them,” Adie said after a while of complete silence.

Right at that moment, I could see what Billie liked about her. It wasn’t “her sincere eyes” or “the way she smiled”. When she had said those words, she frowned a little bit, but still got a little mischievous smile spreading on her face. I couldn’t help but smile back. She had this charm.

“Me too…,” I answered.

“They’re probably saying the same things about us now, though,” Anastasia, Mike’s new flame, said.

Why was she hanging out with us, again? I just wanted to tell her to fuck off.

“Yeah right,” Lucy grinned. “They’re probably just really excited about the tour.”

Anastasia put on a smile, but I could tell she was getting pissed at us. Why, I didn’t know. Couldn’t she just go away?
For a second I remembered that this was how I had thought about Lucy that first day of school. Would Anastasia become one of my best friends, too?
I almost laughed out loud at that thought. Yeah, I’d become best friends with the person who made my boyfriend cheat on me.

After a while, we were all going home. I felt my heart beat faster. I was going to go home to my dad… And I hadn’t met him in a month. Lucy had offered me to sleep at her place, but I really felt that I had to speak with my dad. What if he missed me? I couldn’t say I missed him, but.. I wanted us to have a better relationship.

-

When I opened the door to our house, it didn’t feel like coming home. It wasn’t as if anything had really changed… just me. When I came in, I heard someone in the stairs.

“Sarah?” The voice belonged to my sister, Kimmie. “Is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me!” I exclaimed, feeling a warm smile spreading on my face. I could feel it coming from my heart. I had missed my sister more than I had realized.

“Okay,” she said as she came down to me.

Her face was full of make up and she had dyed her hair blonde. Her hair looked dirty, and too dry. What had happened to her? Her appearance made her look like she was my age.

“What the hell happened to your face?” Was the only thing I managed say.

“Shut up,” she said, and tried to go past me.

“Are you kidding? It’s nine o’clock; you’re not going anywhere,” I said.

I felt scared. What had happened, really? And all I could do was to put on this silly, demanding big sister-persona.

“Just, shut UP, Sarah!” Kimmie suddenly screamed, out of nowhere.

She turned and stared at me. Her ice blue eyes were filled with tears. The whole scene was just filled with.. Despair.

“You don’t know me anymore! What the fuck were you and Frank thinking when you left me alone here?” She continued, tears now falling freely from her eyes. “It’s not like he didn’t care that you left. I HATE YOU!”

The words stabbed me like a knife. She ran out, and slammed the door in my face. I felt the tears close, but I wouldn’t let myself cry. I had to know what was happening. My sister was 12 years old… She was going to be a teenager soon. Maybe it was just hormones?
I couldn’t even fool myself with that. Of course something big had happened.

“Dad?” I called. “Are you home?”

I walked up the stairs, and headed for dad’s bedroom, but there wasn’t anyone there. I think I searched the whole house before I finally came to Tré’s room. Before I opened the door I could hear someone cry in there. Dad was in there… And he was crying.

I opened the door, even though all of me told me to get the hell away from there.

The sight struck me. My dad… he was a mess. He sat on Tré’s bed, with a photo in one of his hands and a bottle of liquor in the other. His cheeks were wet of tears, and he didn’t look like he had shaved in a long time. His hair was a mess, and he kept crying. He didn’t even seem to have noticed that I was in there.

“… Dad?” I couldn’t recognize my voice. It was small, and it sounded as if I was about to cry.

“Go away, Kimmie,” dad sniffed.

“I’m not Kim,” I told him. “I’m… Sarah.”

Dad froze up immediately. He slowly looked up on me, but I couldn’t look him in the eyes. All of this was my fault.

“Dad, what’s happened?” I asked, and without even thinking of the consequences I sat down next to him.

“Are… are you asking m-me that?” he choked out.

“Do you have any idea what this is doing to Kimmie?” I asked, feeling fresh tears form in my eyes.

“Yes, Sarah,” dad wouldn’t even look up. “But this wasn’t me. It was you, do you even get that?! You left.”

“You kicked Frank out!” I snapped, and stood up. “You can’t blame me for being a fucking… I don’t even know what!”

“Don’t yell at me!” Dad stood up, and now he looked at me, for the first time in a long time. “I fucking know!”

“Don’t blame me….”

I stopped talking when I heard how desperate I sounded. I couldn’t take this. I felt like my body was breaking down completely.. I could almost feel myself losing my mind. It was too much.

I ran down the stairs, and out the door.