Writing Words To The Music In Her Head

When I woke up that Saturday morning, my head was spinning and I had to blink reaptidly to actually see something.
I hadn't have anything to drink last night, had I? I felt so dizzy.

Slowly I started remembering the other night. The show, Mike, Tré... What happened after that? I guess Tré and I had something to drink.

Then I remembered. Tré and I played truth or dare and he made me stand upside down, on my head. How cool was that? I even fell and hurt my head even more. I giggled at the memory. I shook my head and the dizzy feeling was almost completely gone.

I went down to the kitchen.
”G'morning, my beautiful lady”, Tré said.
What was with that guy? How could he be so cheerful in the morning?
”Good morning... Tré”, I teased.
”Knock it off, dad'll hear”, he growled.
”So?” I smiled. ”It's just a nickname.”
Tré shrugged and had some coffee. I hated coffee. Why would anyone drink something like that?

About 5 pm, after an awkward phone-conversation with Lucy, who was sooo dying to know if I met any hot guy last night!, Mike actually came to our house.

We went down to our basement and just hung out. Mike tried out the drum set and Tré played some, too.
Mike told us about his band, Green Day. They actually had a CD out already, “1, 039/Smoothed Out Slappy Hour” and was working on their next. Even though he tried to explain the weird name of the album, I still didn't get it.
Tré seemed very interested in the conversation with Mike. I bet they'd become friends. He laughed at Mike's jokes and the three of us talked about music for a long time. It felt good to have someone else's opinions than just my brother.

I couldn't tell if Mike remembered his little drunken request about taking me out someday. The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a good idea. He wasn't the most handsome man I'd ever seen, but his personality and weird sense of humor made him look good to me.
The problem was that I'd never have the guts to ask him about it. What if he'd turn me down? I would feel so humiliated.
What do you do to get a guy's attention? Flirt. I hadn't really flirted before. I hadn't even had a boyfriend yet, even though I had made out with a couple of guys. Both of them where drunk when it happened, of course, but it was a little experience anyway.
So... Me and Mike. Sarah and Mike? I wondered if we'd fit together.

When Mike and Tré put on the movie 'Scream' I went upstairs. I hated that movie, because it didn't scare a living creature. The first time I saw it I just laughed, and the second time it was just plain boring and the sequel was so lame. I didn't want to waste my time on a crappy movie.

“Sarah?”
My dad sat on the couch in the living room. I sat down with him.
“Yes?” I replied.
“I just wondered if you've found any new friends around here yet?” He said and actually smiled.
Did he care about me?
I figured he didn't want to know about Mike, so I babbled on about Lucy.
“Yeah, there's one girl at School”, I answered. “Her name's Lucy and her dad's a lawyer.”
He nodded slowly. He liked that answer.
“Maybe she'll bring some sense into you, then?” He smirked. “So you'll come out of this rebel-period.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“I get it, I get it”, dad interrupted me before I even had a chance to open my mouth. “You think that you'll always be this way and that you have the answers to everything. I know what it's like to be a teenager.”
I hated when dad thought he knew me.
“Stop it”, I begged.
“No”, he yelled. “I want you to stop with this punk rock nonsense and grow up!”
He stood up and glared at me. Why did he always overreact at little things?
“Why can't you be more like Frank?” He muttered to himself, loud enough for me to hear it. “What did I do wrong...”
Tears welled up in my eyes. Anger striked like a lightning inside of me and made me want to jump on him and punch him. I couldn't.
I ran up the stairs and sat down on the floor in my room. I felt the tears streaming out of my eyes and buried my face into my hands.

The thing was, that I was too used to this. And it made me so insecure. I wanted to be pretty, accepted and flawless. I wanted people to think I was funny and charming. I simply wasn't. I couldn't go on living a lie, I had to be honest with myself and try to do the things I wanted to do.
The toughest thing about it was that my dad blamed himself. He couldn't help that I was myself, other than trying to put my self-esteem down to bottom.
Of course he had already succeeded with that part. I knew I was ugly, and I knew I sucked at playing the guitar. I wasn't really good at anything, and I would spend the rest of my life mediocre. I wouldn't be on a stage with my guitar and rock out. I wouldn't be holding a speech about my opinions and thoughts because nobody cared. No one took me seriously because I was just a little girl in a fantasy world. No one expected me to have opinions and thoughts, so I simply didn't go there.

If I did speak my mind, people laughed at me. People thought I was joking. Why would I be joking if I took up a subject like 'gay couples should be allowed to get married' or 'I don't think that the government is doing the changes they promised to do'? Well, girls didn't talk like that. Punks didn't talk like that, because people thought that all they wanted was a world without rules.

The tears had run out on me and I simply sat on the floor, empty and calm. I dried my tears with the back of my hand and stood up. Why did my dad always make me think these thoughts? He had no idea what he did to me.

*

The rest of the weekend, Mike stayed at our house. Dad barely spoke to me, but he questioned Tré about Mike. Tré said that Mike was my friend.

“Can I bring Billie and our instruments here someday?” Mike asked. “We could jam together, y'know.”

“That'd be so much fun!” Tré exclaimed. No one except me really listened to his drumming.

I just nodded. None of them would ever get to see me play guitar. I was such an amateur.

“Next week sometime, then?” Mike said. “I think our real drummer'll leave us pretty soon.”

Tré nodded happily. I was so happy for him. What if he started in a band? It'd be the coolest! I always knew he'd go far with those hands.

I winked at him, and he just smiled back. He looked so genuinely happy, like a child who'd just got the gift he wanted on Christmas Eve.
Seeing my brother this happy, made me happier than anything. We where so close, even though we where siblings. He was the only one that cared about my opinions and thoughts, and knew about my problems with our dad.

I didn't want my own dad to push me down so far that I couldn't find my own way up again. It was ridiculous. I was so scared that people in School wouldn't accept me and start to bully me, when my two biggest bullies where in my supposed home.

Myself and my father.

I was lucky to have Tré there to pick up the pieces each time I broke.