Visible Monsters

"Daph, I don't know why you invited her here."

"She's not one of us."

"She won't even look at us, for God's sake."

"Ignore 'em, Tawn." Arin lays a hand on my shoulder. "We love you, and that's all that matters."

Daphne struts back over to us. She's frowning, and her friends must have upset her with their incredibly obnoxious comments. "Tawny, you've been like this for two years. It's time that you go back to being...you." She stares me in the eyes. "I want you to talk to a minimum of five people tonight. And if you don't..." She sighs. "I'm going to be very disappointed in you."

"I'm sorry I'm not social enough for you." I cross my arms. "Daph, I'm not the cute and wonderful socialite anymore. It's not what I do." Daphne turns around and saunters off, greeting her other guests. I guess what I said didn't really do much. Arin ditches me, except he goes in a different direction than Daphne. I don't know what's going on.

Suddenly, I feel alone. Everyone here is avoiding me. They're in their own groups of friends, chatting and talking. Daphne flirts with some guy I've never seen before. I remember I used to do that when I was in high school. I used to be like Daphne. Now, I'm this miserable thing called "Tawny Ariel Behrend", one-woman freak show.

Arin comes back with a guy following him. He has strawberry blonde hair and an eyebrow piercing. "Tawny, this is Andrew. He's a good friend of mine from back in high school. Andrew, this is Tawny, one of my good friends from college." Arin has a proud smile on his face, though I don't understand why. Andrew and I shake hands while Arin tries to spark a conversation between us. I don't understand why he's so eager for Andrew and me to get to know each other.

"...and Andrew's almost as confusing as you are." Arin laughs, patting me on the back.

"Really? How interesting." I smile. I can feel the whole room start to stare at me. My smile melts into a snarl. I shake my head, trying to get rid of my claustrophobia. There's something I didn't mention: I'm claustrophobic. I learned this when I was in an elevator the beginning of my sophomore year of high school. I was trying to find my way back to where the rest of our drama group was meeting. Daphne tried to keep me from having a fit. I was sobbing uncontrollably, and the older women in the elevator were trying to console me. The most memorable thing about high school.

"Excuse me." I shove the bodies out of my path, sprinting out into the backyard for some fresh air. I breathe in and out, trying to calm myself. Trying to slow my heartbeat down. Trying to practice the breathing exercises Uncle Paul taught me. I hear something slapping on the wooden deck, and I turn around. Andrew looks confused.

"Are you all right?" he asks, genuinely concerned.

I nod, sitting down on the bench area of the deck. "I don't like people. I don't like people staring at me like that." The glares were too much to take in. I've never had a group of so many people hate me as much as they did back in there. I'm so used to no one even seeing me. I'm invisible. I don't exist.

No one knows who the fuck I am.

"I'm sorry, Tawny. But if you'd like, we can just sit out here and talk." He smiles at the sky, a dark blue night with the splash of shimmering stars. "It's really nice out tonight."

I nod, seeing Daphne and Arin talk through the kitchen window. He pulls her into a hug, and she seems to be sobbing. I suddenly feel terrible. I want to go back inside, but I have a feeling that me being there would just make things worse.

"Andrew, I know you're just trying to be nice, but you really don't have to be here with me instead of all the other people." Keeping someone against his will is a bit cruel, I think. "You should be having fun."

"I never said I wasn't having fun," he counters, a polite grin still on his face. Personally, I don't find myself interesting. "And I thought you could use some company out here. It's quite lonely," Andrew points out, looking at me. His eyes are a greenish blue, which remind me of Arin's little sister, Ainsley. I can just imagine him staring into my eyes: Messy and bloodshot. The color of murky water swirled in with some flecks of yellow and green. I look away.

"Tawny, what are your aspirations?"

"I can't tell you that." My dreams are locked up inside me, never to be revealed again. My dreams are gone. They no longer exist. The only dreams that live are the dreams of my parents. "There are just some things that are just kept secret."

"Well, if I told you my aspirations, would you tell me yours?" I shake my head but tell him I'd love to hear what his aspirations were. "I'd like to be able to travel the country and play music for crowds. It doesn't matter how many people are there, as long as I can play to someone."

"...Why?"

"I don't know. I just feel as though relating to music can make more people realize they aren't alone." Andrew turns to me. "Music brings people together, Tawny. And I think that playing these songs can do that."

I'm surprised someone like this exists. Music alone doesn't bring people together. Impossible. He's naive. A child, practically. Music can't bring people together. He makes it sound so easy, like a fairytale. I say nothing for a minute, trying to recollect my thoughts.

"I believe the world is divided, and nothing can bring it together," I reply, closing my eyes.

"Why do you believe that?" Andrew sounds upset, probably because of my negativity.

"There are some things that aren't meant to be." I think of my dreams, my miserable life thus far. My insignificant future job. My Uncle Paul never waking up from his coma. My Aunt Iliana growing old alone, calling me every Sunday evening at six. Maybe if I weren't so sad, I would believe in this too.

But music's done nothing for me. It hasn't saved my uncle. It hasn't saved me from being a quiet loner who drags her friends down with her.

Music has given me nothing.