Visible Monsters

"He hates red." Daphne tosses the shirt into the charity pile. I feel a pang of guilt as she carelessly throws my uncle's clothes away. I don't care if it's for a good cause; she's throwing away a part of my uncle.

Aunt Iliana's already skipped to acceptance and is out with Charcoal, listening to a sermon, while I'm still in denial, attempting to find what the corpse should wear. Daphne holds up the red flannel shirt I always thought made Uncle Paul look like a lumberjack. I shake my head, and she lobs it into the pile.

Green striped shirt. "It has a hole at the bottom." Toss.

Blue shirt with subtle designs. "That one's decent." Keep.

Black shirt with an eagle imprinted on the back. "It was part of a Halloween costume." Toss.

"Let's just go with the blue one." I want to stop looking through the past. The times when Uncle Paul and I went fishing in the ugly army green boat, when he'd take Daphne and me to the beach. The lectures he gave me about boys, about drugs, about doing my best in school. The nights we talked about my future, and how I could do whatever I wanted.

What happened to that security?

"Tawn, we have to finish cleaning out the closet. C'mon, help me get the rest of these into the bags." She motions to the other shirts and pants hanging neatly in the small space. Daphne smiles slightly. "I'm really proud of you."

"For what?" I rip the clothes off the hangers and shove them roughly into the bag. "I didn't do anything special."

"You're not running away again."

I stop. "Thanks for noticing," I grumble, reaching for the bag again. Daphne crams more clothes into the plastic bags. I'm sure Aunt Iliana's enjoying her relaxing day at the church, chatting to the priest. I can imagine his sympathy, patting her on the shoulder. His voice dripping with "sincerity", Charcoal sitting next to her awkwardly as Father Robert drones on. I'm glad I'm not there for him to glare at.

"Arin and I are going out to a party. Do you want to go with us?" Daphne scrutinizes a blazer before folding it neatly into the bag. "You don't have to go if you don't want to." I'm sure she's secretly hoping I'll say yes.

I guess I'll just have to disappoint her.

"Tawny, think of this as a new a day. A day of rebirth. A day where you have no burdens; where you're carefree. No taking care of anyone." I bite my lip. "What?" Daphne yanks open a drawer, revealing my uncle's socks.

"What about Madeline?"

"We'll just send her off to a friend's house. No big deal. The girl's thirteen; she should be allowed to have some fun." She's reaching for another bag. "All right. Let's finish this up, and I'll help you with your outfit for tonight."

<<<<>>>>

Tonight, I'm free. No thoughts about Uncle Paul, Aunt Iliana, Charcoal, or Tickle-Me Pink. Tonight, I'm having fun with my friends. Tonight, at Daphne's summer house out by the beach, I'll make small talk, and be social.

Tonight, I'm back to normal.

Andrew smiles as we step inside the house. The music flows out of the speakers, and Daphne's friends smile painfully at me. Not happy, I suppose. I guess I've crashed their boring party.

"Andy, I think I'm going to go out." He nods, and I weave past the crowd of women. I slide the glass door open and slip out, feeling the warm summer breeze. The deck is the same, slightly damp from the ocean air. I feel Andrew's hands around my waist.

"Are you okay?" His breath is warm against my ear. "You seem a little..." Andrew stops. "Does this have to do with your uncle?"

"It's about my visible monsters." He frowns. "I can't help but think about them."

"Visible monsters? Like what?" Andrew steps back. "I'm not entirely sure what you're talking about."

"Uncle Paul's funeral. Madeline. My parents. Theatre. Santa Monica and all her inhabitants." Through the sliding door, I see Daphne's friends gossip. Every so often, several them glance over at me, and I just can't stand the way they lie about me behind my back. Daphne's concentrated look frustrates me.

"Andy, I don't know why I'm here." Tonight, I'm locked back in my cage.

"You're here to have fun. Don't let those girls ruin it for you." I can read one of the girl's cherry red lips: Tawny the Terrible.

They roar with laughter.

"Tawny, they're flawed too."

"But they're nothing like me." I charge towards the flight of stairs leading down to the lawn, but Andrew squeezes my arm. "I know you're trying to help me realize that I'm not a failure, but Andy, let me go." I rip my arm away from his grasp and flit down the steps. I dart across the lawn and shove open the gate, my flip flops sinking into the sand. I run without them, my feet now feeling the cool Pacific Ocean. I wade in deeper, my fingers skimming across the dark sea. I dip my head in, my hair drifting with the current as I shut my eyes.

I jerk my head back for air, and Andrew's standing at the shore, waiting. Tonight, I am a slave to my own reality.

"Tawny, it's near impossible to drown yourself." He takes a step into the water. "And if you try that again, I'm going to drag you back to the shore. Suicide's never the answer, Tawny."

"Are you saying that in fear that I may succeed?" I flop into the water, but in seconds, I feel a pair of strong arms around my waist, pulling me up to the surface.

"God dammit, Tawny!" Andrew grips his strawberry blond hair in frustration. "I know your life is frustrating, but is this what you really want? Are you going to let your parents win this easily?"

I shrug. "What am I supposed to do? What's the whole point? No one's proud of me; no one gives a shit. My family and my friends have given up on me. Did you see Daphne in there, listening to those girls? Did you see the look on her face?" I can feel the hot tears streaming down my face and dripping into the ocean.

"Tawny, I'm proud of you. I care about you." I take a step closer to him, and drop my head onto his chest. Andrew slowly wraps his arms around me, cheek resting on my head.

"Andy?" I gaze into his blue eyes. "I love you."

His frown breaks into a smile. "I love you too."