Visible Monsters
Give up
I walk on the shores of the beach, watching the waves crash. It's late, and Daphne's asleep by now. Well, you could call it early morning, but that's unimportant. I'm collecting my thoughts. I'm alone.
"You're up early." Andrew. "What brings you out here?"
"The waves." I have a feeling Daphne called him to look for me. For some reason, Andrew looks wide awake. It's a little frightening. No one I know is ever awake this early, besides myself.
"It's four in the morning, and you're here to watch the waves?" He laughs. "Tawny, I don't understand you. And you're still wearing your sunglasses." He walks beside me.
"I don't understand me either." Laughter. "I just need to clear my head, that's all." Mother decided to call again, to nag about how I needed to study more. To get my grades up. How I wasn't going to get the internship. How theatre was a waste of time. I stopped the answering machine and ran out the door. My mother now calls me every week to tell me what a useless bitch I am. This is what I need: White trash telling me what I'm doing wrong with my life.
"Why? What's wrong?" He's concerned. It bothers me. Usually, people don't care about how I'm feeling. Tawny's just a selfish bitch. Only cares about herself. That's why she never speaks to anyone. I guess I'm selfish for keeping all of my emotions from everyone, so I don't burden them with my stupid problems.
There. I admit it: I'm selfish.
"Nothing."
We stay silent. An hour passes, and I decide to sit on the docks. Andrew joins me. I dangle my feet above the ocean, watching the dark blue waves pass by. Andrew decides to start a conversation, and I'm not too eager to participate. "What are you studying in college, Tawny?" Thoroughly interested in me.
Odd.
"Law. And history."
"You seem so unenthusiastic about them." He looks up at me. "Arin says you have no interest in either subject." Because I hate staying up 'till two in the morning, trying to study something I obviously don't care about. Because I'm studying to please the parents that birthed me and gave me the worst childhood imaginable.
"Arin and Daphne talk about me behind me back?" Wonderful friends. The only two I have left, and they stick around to gossip about me.
Fantastic.
"They aren't bad things." Andrew reassures me. "They're just concerned about you. They care about you, Tawny. Honestly."
Because caring means gossip. "Andrew, you're hiding the truth from me. They're curious about my life and the secrets I keep from them. They think a good-looking, caring guy is going to squeeze these secrets out of me." It's so obvious. Andrew's only here, because Arin and Daphne want to know what I've been keeping from them.
"Tawny, I'm here, because I think you need someone other than Daphne and Arin. I think you need someone there for you, whether you like it or not." Andrew stands up. "You say you want to be alone, but secretly, you hate it. Tawny, you know it's true."
To be honest, I don't know what I want.
I take off my sunglasses and start walking to the coffee shop. I see them getting ready for the rush of coffee addicts in the morning. I desperately want to escape from Andrew, who is standing next to me.
"Tawny, I will never give up on you." He touches my hand and leaves.
I'm not sure if I should take that as a compliment or not. I go home and watch infomercials until seven. I attend my lectures, and then come back home. I sleep, go to class, and then visit Uncle Paul. The nurses watch me sadly as I talk to him.
"I met someone, Uncle Paul." I laugh, imagining the scowl he would give me. "Yes, it's a boy. His name is Andrew. Now before you say anything, I just want you to know that we aren't dating, and he's a nice person." I take in a deep breath. "He's deeply interested in my life. You know, you, Aunt Iliana, and me. But also mom and dad. Your brother and his wife." Those people living in some trailer park hundreds of miles away. "Do you think I should tell him?"
Uncle Paul would say and say, "If you feel that he deserves to know, then tell him. If not, I think you should wait."
"I'm going to wait." I smile at him, imagining the smile he'd give me back. His green eyes would sparkle, and he'd pat my shoulder. "And grandpa is paying for the medical bills now, because Aunt Liana's salary and your retirement money won't cut it with all the other expenses." My grandfather is actually quite rich. And he loves Uncle Paul. He could care less about the other one. My father. The one who dropped out of college to start a business, which failed. And then he married a waitress from some run-down restaurant. And then this accident came along called "Tawny Behrend." Because daddy had never heard of condoms. And mommy had never heard of birth control.
"Tawny, you're already here." Aunt Iliana pulls me into a hug. "Honey, how was school?" I say it was okay. She talks about my friends. "Arin and Daphne tell me you've met a boy." I tell her to stop and that it's aggravating Uncle Paul. She chuckles. "Well, what's he like?"
"He's...interesting."
"You're up early." Andrew. "What brings you out here?"
"The waves." I have a feeling Daphne called him to look for me. For some reason, Andrew looks wide awake. It's a little frightening. No one I know is ever awake this early, besides myself.
"It's four in the morning, and you're here to watch the waves?" He laughs. "Tawny, I don't understand you. And you're still wearing your sunglasses." He walks beside me.
"I don't understand me either." Laughter. "I just need to clear my head, that's all." Mother decided to call again, to nag about how I needed to study more. To get my grades up. How I wasn't going to get the internship. How theatre was a waste of time. I stopped the answering machine and ran out the door. My mother now calls me every week to tell me what a useless bitch I am. This is what I need: White trash telling me what I'm doing wrong with my life.
"Why? What's wrong?" He's concerned. It bothers me. Usually, people don't care about how I'm feeling. Tawny's just a selfish bitch. Only cares about herself. That's why she never speaks to anyone. I guess I'm selfish for keeping all of my emotions from everyone, so I don't burden them with my stupid problems.
There. I admit it: I'm selfish.
"Nothing."
We stay silent. An hour passes, and I decide to sit on the docks. Andrew joins me. I dangle my feet above the ocean, watching the dark blue waves pass by. Andrew decides to start a conversation, and I'm not too eager to participate. "What are you studying in college, Tawny?" Thoroughly interested in me.
Odd.
"Law. And history."
"You seem so unenthusiastic about them." He looks up at me. "Arin says you have no interest in either subject." Because I hate staying up 'till two in the morning, trying to study something I obviously don't care about. Because I'm studying to please the parents that birthed me and gave me the worst childhood imaginable.
"Arin and Daphne talk about me behind me back?" Wonderful friends. The only two I have left, and they stick around to gossip about me.
Fantastic.
"They aren't bad things." Andrew reassures me. "They're just concerned about you. They care about you, Tawny. Honestly."
Because caring means gossip. "Andrew, you're hiding the truth from me. They're curious about my life and the secrets I keep from them. They think a good-looking, caring guy is going to squeeze these secrets out of me." It's so obvious. Andrew's only here, because Arin and Daphne want to know what I've been keeping from them.
"Tawny, I'm here, because I think you need someone other than Daphne and Arin. I think you need someone there for you, whether you like it or not." Andrew stands up. "You say you want to be alone, but secretly, you hate it. Tawny, you know it's true."
To be honest, I don't know what I want.
I take off my sunglasses and start walking to the coffee shop. I see them getting ready for the rush of coffee addicts in the morning. I desperately want to escape from Andrew, who is standing next to me.
"Tawny, I will never give up on you." He touches my hand and leaves.
I'm not sure if I should take that as a compliment or not. I go home and watch infomercials until seven. I attend my lectures, and then come back home. I sleep, go to class, and then visit Uncle Paul. The nurses watch me sadly as I talk to him.
"I met someone, Uncle Paul." I laugh, imagining the scowl he would give me. "Yes, it's a boy. His name is Andrew. Now before you say anything, I just want you to know that we aren't dating, and he's a nice person." I take in a deep breath. "He's deeply interested in my life. You know, you, Aunt Iliana, and me. But also mom and dad. Your brother and his wife." Those people living in some trailer park hundreds of miles away. "Do you think I should tell him?"
Uncle Paul would say and say, "If you feel that he deserves to know, then tell him. If not, I think you should wait."
"I'm going to wait." I smile at him, imagining the smile he'd give me back. His green eyes would sparkle, and he'd pat my shoulder. "And grandpa is paying for the medical bills now, because Aunt Liana's salary and your retirement money won't cut it with all the other expenses." My grandfather is actually quite rich. And he loves Uncle Paul. He could care less about the other one. My father. The one who dropped out of college to start a business, which failed. And then he married a waitress from some run-down restaurant. And then this accident came along called "Tawny Behrend." Because daddy had never heard of condoms. And mommy had never heard of birth control.
"Tawny, you're already here." Aunt Iliana pulls me into a hug. "Honey, how was school?" I say it was okay. She talks about my friends. "Arin and Daphne tell me you've met a boy." I tell her to stop and that it's aggravating Uncle Paul. She chuckles. "Well, what's he like?"
"He's...interesting."
♠ ♠ ♠
Sorry it's so boring D: