Visible Monsters

About the tenth or fifteenth time I meet Andrew, he's coming over to babysit me. Daphne and Arin are going out to see people I don't know, and the last time I went to a party, it was a disaster. I'm pretty afraid the same thing will happen if I go out in public. Daphne later explains that if we want to go anywhere, we have to phone either her or Arin. I feel like I'm ten.

"So, what do you want to do?" Andrew shoves his hands in his pockets, staring at his flip-flops. To be honest, this is the first time he's acted this way. Shy is one adjective Andrew McMahon is not.

I shrug, sitting on the sofa. I never really feel like doing anything anymore. I just have strange urges to go places. Tonight, it's the coffee shop. Andrew and I walk there in silence. He hasn't started a conversation, and it feels weird. I order a bottle of water while Andrew orders some coffee. From what I've noticed, he likes his coffee black. No cream or sugar. He pays, no matter how much I protest. Finally, after five minutes of watching the window and observing his odd behavior, I say something:

"Stop acting weird."

His head shoots up. No longer staring at his hands. "I'm not acting weird," he says defensively, taking a sip of his coffee.

"You're upset, and you aren't asking me a lot of questions." He laughs, and I cross my arms. "I'm right."

"My girlfriend dumped me." He smiles sadly, and he doesn't seem bitter about it. Surprising. "It was a couple of weeks ago, but it just hit me." Andrew looks out the window at the beach. Some couples decide to take a "romantic stroll" near the waves. "When I was on my way over, I saw her with someone else."

"...You'll find someone else, Andrew."

"Call me Drew. We are friends, right, Tawny?" Meeting him about ten to fifteen times makes him something, but in my case, meeting someone ten to fifteen times without driving this person away makes him aclose friend. I nod hesitantly, and he smiles. "That's good to hear, because I like you."

Smiling. It feels weird, but I do it and manage to hold the expression on my face. "I like you too."

We walk back home, and I realize we didn't call Daphne or Arin. Andrew shrugs it off, thinking it's no big deal. Back home, I realize I forgot the keys. Andrew laughs, just smiling at me. I'm surprised he isn't staring at his flip-flops still. "You're not upset anymore?" I ask.

"Oh, well, I feel better." Andrew grins, sitting down on the porch steps. I sit down with him. "You know, Tawny, you really mean a lot to everyone."

Correction: I really meant a lot to everyone.

"You don't realize how what you mean to Daphne and Arin. To all three of us." Andrew looks at me, his smile still there, not on his lips, but in his eyes. Oddly enough, he's still happy. I can just imagine him attempting to stare at my eyes, through my sunglasses. "Tawny, you've changed us. Forever."

In a negative way.

"You've helped us, and we want to help you. Daphne and Arin are not giving up. They have faith that someday, you'll be that bubbly, wonderful girl that you were. Seeing you like this is...it hurts, Tawny." Andrew puts an arm around me. "You're such a beautiful girl. You could be so much more than this sad, broken down being."

This is the new Tawny. She changes for no one. Not even a boy who is obviously trying his best to make her normal again. Who seems to care about her, though he knows nothing about her.

A naturally wonderful and caring human being.

"You've changed on your own." From cocoons to butterflies, my friends have morphed into something wonderful. I've stayed stagnant. In fact, I've gone backwards. I went from social butterfly to socially-challenged shut-in. I went from sweet and fun to cold and unbearable. My friends are only around, because they feel obligated to stick by me.

"No, we haven't." Andrew brushed a lock of hair out of my face. "We've become closer and more caring. We've changed for the better because of you, Tawny. Whether you realize it or not, Arin and Daphne have benefited from being around you. From being your friend."

I don't know what he's talking about. Finally, I pull out a credit card from my wallet and break into my house. Andrew walks in after me, locking the door. I collapse onto the sofa, and Andrew finds his way to the armchair. "I let everyone down. I'm not the old Tawny anymore. The new Tawny wants to be left alone. Forever." The misanthrope who raises cats for a living. The one who will be a successful lawyer, but will snort crank and smoke pot in her free time. The one who will drink until she can't say her name anymore. This is the new Tawny's future.

"You haven't let everyone down." Andrew now walks over to me, touching my cheek. He sighs. "You've just let yourself down."