Break Me

After a serious make-out session with Jeremy, we put our shirts back on and headed back towards the school. I decided to tell him my last secret, right before going into class. Maybe his reaction would be diluted after he had a chance to think about it. Then again, maybe not. Either way, I better do it, before I chickened out. The bell rang right as we reached my class.
“Jeremy, there’s something else I need to tell you,” and then I unwrapped one of my arms. Jeremy looked, gasped, and turned raging angry. Pattyn was right there, and she saw it too. She wrapped her arms around me, but I ran into the classroom, away from their anger. I stole one glimpse back at them, but Jeremy was gone. Pattyn still stood there, dumbfounded, arms wrapped around herself, crying silently.
“Why?” she mouthed, and then she disappeared. I sat down in my class, next to a pretty shy girl named Lia. She was the tutor of the school, the smartest person I had ever known. I was unbelievably lucky to be the one sitting next to her, but today I didn’t want her help. I couldn’t concentrate on class if I wanted too.
“Hi, Jaden,” she said. A few of the girls obviously were into me, turning to face the back where I sat when I walked in. I ignored them. Usually I flirted back, but today was different. Today I felt empty. I pulled out a piece of paper and began to write, but I wasn’t taking notes.
When I was done with it, I looked it over.

I have a feeling you’ll hate me
And I’m sorry I never told you
I was afraid you wouldn’t see
Why I need to protect you
From him
If he knew I was gay
He would beat me harder
I’m wasting away as it is
Slowly dying
Withering away like a dead flower
Still pretty on the outside,
But dead in reality
I love you
And I think you’re my only hope for salvation.
That’s why I couldn’t bear for you to know
I think you’ll try to stand up for me
And you’ll get beaten to bits
You shine so brightly
The love of my life
I won’t let him extinguish you

Please understand that I need to cut
To take away the pain
To cause damage that only I can feel
Damage that I have control over

I hope you can understand why I never told you
I can only hope you won’t leave me,
now when I need you most.
I love you.
I’m sorry.

~Jaden

I looked up, satisfied. I began to fold it to put it away, but then noticed Lia reading it. Exasperated, and not wanting to have to deal with hiding it, I just handed it to her. She probably would think I was some sort of monster for being emo, but I didn’t care. What she thought didn’t matter to me. The most important opinions in my life were that of Jeremy, Pattyn, and Emily. Two of those were already ruined, and one I was definitely in the process of destroying. Nobody I cared about had a good opinion of me anymore. Honestly, what was one more person? Lia was looking at me with incredible sadness, her normally light blue eyes looking flat and black. She handed me back the letter/poem, thought for a moment. Then she held out her arm, pulled up the sweater.