Drunk in Paris

I sat giggling in the back garden as Brittany finished her tale about Mike dying his hair with disastrous results. I must admit, I was enjoying myself; everything seemed so relaxed, it was completely different from the parties I would normally be taken too. Brittany and her friends were really nice, witty girls, people I hadn’t met in a long time.
“Who was Billie talking to out there?” the girl with the red hair to my left asked.
“That’s the Reprise guy, Jeff… he’s English Ava…” Brittany smiled at me.
I looked up from my drink, I thought he looked familiar, but I wasn’t sure and in passing I was more focused on Billie Joe anyhow.
“What’s his second name?” I asked, calmly sipping from my wine.
“Oh I don’t know, err, Hunt, Harl, something H…”
My stomach plummeted to my feet, “Hughes?”
“Yeah, Hughes, do you know him?”
I felt sick; Jeff Hughes was a good friend of Richard’s.
“Ava are you okay? You’ve gone white…” The red headed girl looked at me worriedly.
I stared at the grass below my feet, oh shit. Richard’s friends were all loud, crude and very, very arrogant. In all probability, if he and Billie were talking and Jeff had recognised me from Richard mouthing off again….Billie…it would…that’s it…it would all be over…

I raised my head just in time to see Billie emerge from the back door. My stomach dropped once more, it fell to my feet and the grass below me, hell it probably went on falling through the earth. I froze in horror; Billie’s face was thunder, his steps forceful and shattering… but his eyes, his eyes made me numb.
The once bright shimmering emeralds bore straight through me, a mixture of hurt, anger and determination shining in their darkened irises. Each step brought those gleaming eyes into view, sending invisible arrows straight through my heart, this was it…
He stopped in front of me, my whole body went numb and I felt vomit rise in my throat.
“Ava…” He snapped sternly, he glanced at the girls sat around me, confusion showing on every female face.
“Ava…we need to go”
I nodded silently at him, standing up and following him from the garden silently my eyes boring into his back as I pursued him in silence. He led me through the house and into his car, he refused to even look at me and at that moment I realised I had lost him for good.
I felt tears swell in my eyes; this was the worst possible scenario that I had played out in my head.
I hated Jeff for telling him, I hated Richard for telling his friends but most of all I hated myself, I was a complete and utter disgrace.
We sat in the car in silence for what seemed like an eternity, the thumping from the party pounded through the background like a thunderous warning. Billie’s eyes were focused on nothing in front of him, hands enveloping the steering wheel in a death grip. He was chewing his lip, eyes swelling with tears…
I couldn’t hold it in any longer, I burst out crying, sobbing into the darkness of the car, I was hurting him and I wanted to die for it.
Broken in two, my chest panged, my ribs felt like they were being lunged apart and my throat closed up in indolence, I was a pathetic mess, I had lied to him, I had wounded him and I was the one crying through my own shameful cowardness.
He turned to me, swallowing back his emotions, glancing over my pathetic form as I sobbed into my hands.
“You’re a hooker”
The words were stabbing. They were intended to harm, but they were nothing compared to the swell of tears in his eyes.
“You lied to me”
My breath hitched, this was the worst feeling in the world and I deserved every gut wrenching second of it.
“You’ve made a fool out of me, you…you lied to me…”
His voice choked and I looked up through my tears, make up streaming down my face, silent watery lines rolled down his cheek.
“…you…made me fall for you…”
I felt dead, I wanted to bleed, I wanted to still recognise that I was alive, it felt like a bad dream, a nightmare, this was more than punishment…this was complete hell.
What could I say to him? What do you possibly say to someone you love so much and hurt so badly?
My mind, through all the confusion tracked to my saviour, Baudelaire… the appropriately disturbing Love of Lies…
I have known deep, sad eyes that yet concealed
No secrets: caskets void of any gem:

I inhaled, turning to him, his face looking at me with something close to disgust,
“I’m sorry, I don’t have words to tell you how much I love you, how much I adore you…how desperately sorry I am…”
Billie made a ‘humph’ noise.
I swallowed, my eyes yearning towards him, desperately taking in every feature, knowing in the pit of my soul that this would probably be the last time I will ever gaze upon him.
“I’m not good enough for you, I never was, I never will be, but I loved you, I fell in love with you as soon as you looked at me outside that café in Paris. And I knew I wasn’t good enough to even glance sideways at you, but I couldn’t help it…I couldn’t stop it. You where my escape… this…this light in my repulsive life …I love you with all my heart…”
I sobbed, my throat aching with my words, tears began to roll down his cheeks again as I sniffed,
“I’m sorry, you deserve so much better, but I will love you, I will love you always Billie”
I sniffed, reaching for the door of the car and stepping out; I had to get away from that hurt look on his face as fast as possible. The cold wind hit me and I descended down the dimly lit street. Not looking back, maybe I should have given him a chance to reply, but what hope was there for us? I had to find a hotel for the night, I had to get my act together and leave.
The cold night wind picked up and I brought my arms around my ribcage.
All I could think about was this pain in my chest, the pain of my heart literally breaking,
I had been living in this romantic movie for the last few weeks and reality had turned around and smacked me hard in the face.
Our two hearts will be two immense torches
Which will reflect their double light
In our two souls, those twin mirrors.
Some evening made of rose and of mystical blue
A single flash will pass between us
Like a long sob, charged with farewells;

I sobbed harder as I though of Baudelaire. Now my poet, the speaker to my soul was forever linked with this excruciating pain of my lost love. All I could do was blame myself. I was vile, I was a failure. I didn’t deserve to even be alive, why did I deserve him? How could I go on living when the only person whom I had ever loved, ever cared for, the only person to ever set my soul alight, hated me.
It was pointless, life was pointless…everything dies.
Why fall in love when it never lasts, this puncturing hole in my skull creating by my disgusting lies seemed to take over my body, the shame and sickening feeling was here to stay.
There, amongst the pain and blindness there was a hotel…I prayed my future room would hold a full mini bar of alcohol.

I sat in silence in my hotel room. Tre had so kindly brought my luggage over from Billie’s place; he was obviously refusing come anywhere near me.
Tre had been here a grand total of five minutes; he had brought me a coffee and was currently sitting opposite me on the cream couch. I wasn’t even looking at him properly and the only words I had managed to utter to him were a pathetic ‘thank you’ as I placed the coffee on the glass table in front of me.
The whole world seemed like a blur of slow motion, I didn’t want anyone to see me; I wanted to just lock myself away in a tower for the rest of my days and drive myself insane with guilt. It’s more than I deserve.
Sylvia Plath took her own life when her husband left her, I had never understood why she did that, but this constant pain was making her actions appear quite rational. I felt dead inside anyway, why not make it physical?
Tre sat in silence, staring at me, his eyes were soft, and his face was calm, I knew he was confused; he had no idea what to say to me, but I had no idea what to say to myself. This, calm silence, I understood was unusual for him, but I suppose even the joker knew when he had to be serious.
“Ava”
Tre whispered softly, leaning forwards when I finally turned my neck away from the open window to stare numbly at him.
His bit his lip in a look of comfort, I felt stinging tears prick behind my eyes once more, I did not deserve his kindness.
“Ava, darlin’ are you gonna stay the rest of the week?”
I sniffed, shaking me head, “I’ll catch a flight out tomorrow I think. I should never have come here…”
“Don’t say that Ava…”
“I bet everyone is disgusted at me, hating me, Oh Tre you…you should have seen his face…”
He swallowed, “Everyone doesn’t hate you…everyone is just…shocked I guess…”
I shook my head, “Don’t Tre, I know what it’s like…I don’t care about people…I just care about him and he…he hates me…”
Tre shook his head looking at me seriously, “He doesn’t hate you”
“Well he should” I snapped back making him jump slightly. “And you shouldn’t be here, I’m not a good person I should not have let it get this far…”
I felt tears seeping from my sore eyes.
“Ava, you’re a good person, you’re intelligent and beautiful and kind… how on earth did you get yourself into this…this…occupation.” Tre struggled with his words as I hung my head.
I sniffed, wiping away the remaining tears on my face.
I inhaled, trying to think back, I hadn’t looked into my past for so long…
Breathing calmly I stared down at the glass coffee table, the heat from the cup sending a clouded pattern across its surface.
I opened my mouth and out it came…

“I was putting myself through University in London, I had no family and I was killing myself just to pay off the rent. I had about four jobs and one was in this restaurant in Kensington and there was this guy I was waiting on. He kept staring at me…it was strange, I mean, he was a lot older than me and well, was dining in this very expensive restaurant and I had nothing. After my shift he approached me, saying he would like to help me out. His name was Charles, I warmed to him immediately, he was so literate, well spoken and smartly dressed.”
I looked up at Tre who was still listening intently, nodding every so often at my words.

“So anyway, he took my out one night and basically explained that he was having problems with his current wife and he liked me. I didn’t love him at all, I was attracted to him, more emotionally than physically it seems…anyhow, but one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. But that morning I missed my shift at the café I worked at and I got fired. Charles felt bad and gave me my full week’s wages. It was nothing to him; I discovered he was a Lord…Lord Charles Winchester, rolling in money with little common sense. I felt bad taking it but he insisted…
He would then start calling me, asking if I wanted to make a little extra money. I knew it was wrong, but I was desperate and I did actually like Charles.”

I looked up at Tre who nodded urging me on, I sighed, I had never explained to anyone why I had become what I had before, it was strange, I hadn’t really thought about it myself.

“Anyway, it became a regular thing and soon Charles was introducing me to some of his friends, Merv and Thomas, they were nice men, warm, kind, and it sounds so pathetic but I…oh God…I kind of fell into it…I knew what they expected, but I needed the money and that’s what I focused on. It was good money and even after my debt was wiped clean I…I continued to go out with these men. I tried to stop, I said that I wasn’t doing it anymore, but they kept calling, they came round to my apartment, offered me more money, offered me more gifts. It was like there was no escape for me. You know?”

Tre nodded, clearly trying to take everything in at once.

“Merv introduced me to Richard, this business owner from Nottingham, he was okay I suppose, but I put my foot down and said that I would take no more clients from then on…”
My throat hitched as the words left my lips, “I’m disgusting aren’t I?” I asked Tre, not looking into his brilliant blue eyes; it took a while for him to reply. He was obviously choosing his words carefully.
“It happens, there are worse things…and there are other people out there in the same position as you, isn’t it well, isn’t it dangerous though Ava, I mean…I just, I can’t believe that you…you do this?”
I half sobbed half chuckled, “Richard doesn’t follow the rules, he tells everyone, all his friends, that’s probably how John Hughes knew who I was. Richard tries to set me up with more men and I don’t want that. I feel bad enough that I hoe myself off to four men whenever need be and they are men that I know, trust. Sometimes Richards “friends” have gone too far. One guy attacked me when I refused; put me in hospital and another…” I paused.
Tre’s mouth was hung open in shock,
“Another…didn’t bother asking for consent.”
Tre gasped and rushed around to join my side of the sofa.
“Oh God Ava…”
I shrugged, “I didn’t plan on this being the way I made money for a living, it happened and I hate it. But I can’t stop, because they’ll find me. I was all the way out here, thinking I could escape from it all and look what happens…”
“You need to stop this…”
I sighed, “I would love to, why do you think I dress the way I do? Read pompous poetry? It’s my escape, the clothes make me feel glamorous, beautiful, the poetry lifts me…because in all reality, I’m a high class hooker. I’m a prostitute, I’m nefarious Tre.”

The man next to me frowned, “What are you going to do now? About Billie?”
I felt tears prick against my ears once more, “There’s nothing I can do is there? I’ll just have to go… but oh God Tre I love him…”
“He just needs time to calm down…”
“No Tre” I shook my head.
“Well then if you’re gonna give up on it so easily…” he hissed slightly, making me jump before he continued, “…then you need to get away; you need to just start again somewhere…”
I sighed, “Tre there is nothing else more else I can do, I don’t deserve him…I never did. I regret everything, but I mostly regret hurting him, I love Billie… Tre I love him so much.”
Tre stood up as I rose to my feet, signalling politely that I had had enough and he should leave.
Tre softly plodded to the door, turning to me slowly,
“He loves you, you know, like I said…he just needs time.”
“He needs to find someone better than me; after all he’s been through…”
Tre smiled sadly at me; there was no argument there, he recognized that.
“Keep in touch Ava” he smiled bringing me into a hug, “We’ve all done stupid things in our life but we shouldn’t be judged by them, I should know”
He smiled, turning on his heel and walking down the corridor.
I watched him leave before shutting the door. I turned, leaning against the wood, bursting out into sobs once again. All I had done the past few hours was cry; I truly hated myself and everything about me.
I couldn’t wait to go home, Tre was right, things had to change,
I had to change.
I had to grow some confidence, grow some courage and sort out this mess that I had made of my life, the disgusting life that cost me the man I love.