Drunk in Paris
La Muse vénale
“See now I have no idea WHY I haven’t been up here before. Look at how beautiful Paris is at night, all lit up.”
Billie turned to me as we leaned against the mesh wire at the very top of the famous tower. The wind was howling and strong and I found myself shivering.
“Here…”
He took off his new leather jacket and ushered for me to take it. The smell of him engulfed the item already and my heart momentarily froze, because even his smell made me weak at the knees.
I smiled, “Thank you.”
He nodded ever so slightly at me, pulling me closer to him as we once again looked out at the neon lit city that was Paris. A strange odour of incense floated through the air; if circumstance proved different I would have given anything to be here with him in the time where he was absent in my life. My dress whipped up around my legs and my hand dashed down to the hem at my knee to save my modesty.
I turned to him slowly, taking in his profile as he gazed across the indigo sky. Yes, below was the amazing fantastical city of Paris, but my true beloved next to me was a far greater sight for me to gaze upon. Those eyelashes, that perfect face; he was the most beautiful man alive.
“What are you looking at?”
He croaked softly, moving his hand to my hip. It took me a moment to reply, he knew what I was looking at. He knew that I would gladly go blind at this very moment and have his face as my only memory for the rest of my life.
“You”
I answered.
“I’m looking at you because I don’t know when I will ever see you again.”
My new found confidence, probably insinuated by a large amount of white wine, made him turn to me slowly. It was true, I can look at Paris from any angle I want, at any time I want, but to look at Billie here, so close to me, was a complete rarity.
“You can see me whenever you’d like…” he smirked.
I sighed, if only…
I turned to look out at the night sky, Notre Dame Cathedral in my sights. I pointed at the cobalt blue lit building, the very image of it bringing a flood of great memories…
“You see Notre Dame there, when you first kissed me on that bridge, I…I tried to tell you…but I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell you what I was because when I looked into your eyes you made me feel like something else. Every doubt and sad thought I had…you washed them away with just one look.”
Billie just continued to stare at me and I realised that how ever cheesy and stupid this sounded I had to get it off my chest. This disease in these situations overtook my tongue and I had no control, I prayed that he would understand me.
“I meant what I said; it seems like such a long time ago but… I love you, and I have never stopped loving you. And yes I can go into the nearest music store and find your picture, but to me that’s not Billie Joe. Billie Joe is the guy that kissed me on that bridge that took me to the most plastic restaurant in the world and made it into the grandest meal I have ever eaten.”
I felt him smirk behind me, but my eyes continued to burn through that blue cathedral,
“You opened up to me and made me feel human again. But do you know what kills me? The fact that I know I am never going to be good enough for you. I sometimes think, if my life had turned out differently maybe I would be good enough…”
My voice hitched, now I had begun, everything else began to follow, sweet tears, croaking throats, shaking limbs…I bet he couldn’t wait to get away from me, the biggest emotional wreck in the world.
“Ava.”
I felt both of his arms wrap around my torso and his hot breath hit my ear. His warmth pulsated through my back and my legs gave way momentarily once again. I swallowed as he voiced tingled against my ear, the neon blur of the city below us became just a smudged image against my wet eyes.
“If you had been any different it wouldn’t have been the same. Think about it, you were what you were for a reason. If you were different… you wouldn’t have been sitting in that café on the corner, or wearing that beautiful red dress with the black ribbon around your middle or reading that pretentious poetry that kind of scared and fascinated me at the same time… and well…you wouldn’t have caught my eye so perfectly and you wouldn’t have helped me when I was lost and… well…you wouldn’t have stolen my heart with one side glance.”
I froze at his words, his hot breath hitting my ear. He remembered the dress I wore that day, he remembered that I was reading Baudelaire…wait did he say I had stolen his heart?
“I regret the way I reacted after I found out that…well…maybe we would still be together” he sighed as I tensed under his grip.
“You had every right to react like that…”
“I didn’t.”
“You did, I lied, I hurt you and after everything you had been through…if…if I hadn’t of lied maybe…maybe…”
Billie pulled me closer to him and I began to soften into that familiar feeling of his weight.
“I fucked up…” he whispered.
“We both did, me so much more so” I whispered back, my hands holding his own so tightly around me, I felt his chin burrow into the cave of my neck, and I sighed at this lost tenderness…
We paused for a moment, staring out into the violet night sky; it’s amazing how this place had evoked us to both open up…again.
Had Paris saved us?
“After everything… you were the first person to make me feel alive again…I love Adrienne I always will…but you…”
A silent glossy tear rolled down my cheek.
I turned around to him slowly, “I …I just want you to be happy...even if it means you having moved on…”
He grinned and reached upwards to cup my cheekbones in his strong palms, softly brushing that fallen tear from my face, his eyes were so sad, a melancholic beauty that shot straight through my soul.
“Ava you don’t get it. I came to Paris for a stupid convention that I didn’t need to come too… I went to a shop and bought a jacket, which, no matter how cool it may be, was an unnecessary purchase… I’m standing here freezing my ass off in the middle of the night but I don’t mind one bit because I’m standing here in the freezing cold with you…”
My heart skidded with his every word, this mustn’t be real, was he actually saying this?
“…Ava…I…I love you too.”
I turned around to him, not being able to resist not looking into those eyes any longer, my heart pounded against my chest and slowly…ever so slowly, our lips met, and OH GOD just the way he kissed me turned me on.
He was so strong, delicate and passionate at the same time, and as the wind whipped around our bodies that were firmly encased into each other’s arms I said a silent prayer of thanks to whomever, or whatever had made this feel alright again.
He pulled away from my lips leisurely, is eyes catching the lights of the city and reflecting small sparks into my own, “I promise, I only want to be with you, help you, we’ll get over this…”
“No, I mean I thought you hated me…You should hate me…you…I lied…I…?”
My mouth opened and cut across him but he shook his head violently, “No…it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter now…just let’s have this… at this moment.”
I let out a sob of something close to a saddened joy, he didn’t make sense but I understood. I understood every word.
“You, us…we deserve to be happy...just, for now…at least…I want you, no one else, just you.” He smiled, slowly leaning down once again and attaching those searing, piquant lips to my own, everything once more was forgotten, the icy blast of the wind, the roaring car horns of the city and the smiling security guard waiting patiently for us to leave where all far away in the distance of his kiss.
I loved him and I couldn’t possibly live any longer with him. Even if he had turned around to me as we stood within the whistling wind and said he hated my guts and he only came back to tell me how disgusted he was with me I would still love him more than ever. Why did he love me?
Would that ever be truly possible?
Would we ever overcome all these obstacles to actually be happy?
Billie turned to me as we leaned against the mesh wire at the very top of the famous tower. The wind was howling and strong and I found myself shivering.
“Here…”
He took off his new leather jacket and ushered for me to take it. The smell of him engulfed the item already and my heart momentarily froze, because even his smell made me weak at the knees.
I smiled, “Thank you.”
He nodded ever so slightly at me, pulling me closer to him as we once again looked out at the neon lit city that was Paris. A strange odour of incense floated through the air; if circumstance proved different I would have given anything to be here with him in the time where he was absent in my life. My dress whipped up around my legs and my hand dashed down to the hem at my knee to save my modesty.
I turned to him slowly, taking in his profile as he gazed across the indigo sky. Yes, below was the amazing fantastical city of Paris, but my true beloved next to me was a far greater sight for me to gaze upon. Those eyelashes, that perfect face; he was the most beautiful man alive.
“What are you looking at?”
He croaked softly, moving his hand to my hip. It took me a moment to reply, he knew what I was looking at. He knew that I would gladly go blind at this very moment and have his face as my only memory for the rest of my life.
“You”
I answered.
“I’m looking at you because I don’t know when I will ever see you again.”
My new found confidence, probably insinuated by a large amount of white wine, made him turn to me slowly. It was true, I can look at Paris from any angle I want, at any time I want, but to look at Billie here, so close to me, was a complete rarity.
“You can see me whenever you’d like…” he smirked.
I sighed, if only…
I turned to look out at the night sky, Notre Dame Cathedral in my sights. I pointed at the cobalt blue lit building, the very image of it bringing a flood of great memories…
“You see Notre Dame there, when you first kissed me on that bridge, I…I tried to tell you…but I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell you what I was because when I looked into your eyes you made me feel like something else. Every doubt and sad thought I had…you washed them away with just one look.”
Billie just continued to stare at me and I realised that how ever cheesy and stupid this sounded I had to get it off my chest. This disease in these situations overtook my tongue and I had no control, I prayed that he would understand me.
“I meant what I said; it seems like such a long time ago but… I love you, and I have never stopped loving you. And yes I can go into the nearest music store and find your picture, but to me that’s not Billie Joe. Billie Joe is the guy that kissed me on that bridge that took me to the most plastic restaurant in the world and made it into the grandest meal I have ever eaten.”
I felt him smirk behind me, but my eyes continued to burn through that blue cathedral,
“You opened up to me and made me feel human again. But do you know what kills me? The fact that I know I am never going to be good enough for you. I sometimes think, if my life had turned out differently maybe I would be good enough…”
My voice hitched, now I had begun, everything else began to follow, sweet tears, croaking throats, shaking limbs…I bet he couldn’t wait to get away from me, the biggest emotional wreck in the world.
“Ava.”
I felt both of his arms wrap around my torso and his hot breath hit my ear. His warmth pulsated through my back and my legs gave way momentarily once again. I swallowed as he voiced tingled against my ear, the neon blur of the city below us became just a smudged image against my wet eyes.
“If you had been any different it wouldn’t have been the same. Think about it, you were what you were for a reason. If you were different… you wouldn’t have been sitting in that café on the corner, or wearing that beautiful red dress with the black ribbon around your middle or reading that pretentious poetry that kind of scared and fascinated me at the same time… and well…you wouldn’t have caught my eye so perfectly and you wouldn’t have helped me when I was lost and… well…you wouldn’t have stolen my heart with one side glance.”
I froze at his words, his hot breath hitting my ear. He remembered the dress I wore that day, he remembered that I was reading Baudelaire…wait did he say I had stolen his heart?
“I regret the way I reacted after I found out that…well…maybe we would still be together” he sighed as I tensed under his grip.
“You had every right to react like that…”
“I didn’t.”
“You did, I lied, I hurt you and after everything you had been through…if…if I hadn’t of lied maybe…maybe…”
Billie pulled me closer to him and I began to soften into that familiar feeling of his weight.
“I fucked up…” he whispered.
“We both did, me so much more so” I whispered back, my hands holding his own so tightly around me, I felt his chin burrow into the cave of my neck, and I sighed at this lost tenderness…
We paused for a moment, staring out into the violet night sky; it’s amazing how this place had evoked us to both open up…again.
Had Paris saved us?
“After everything… you were the first person to make me feel alive again…I love Adrienne I always will…but you…”
A silent glossy tear rolled down my cheek.
I turned around to him slowly, “I …I just want you to be happy...even if it means you having moved on…”
He grinned and reached upwards to cup my cheekbones in his strong palms, softly brushing that fallen tear from my face, his eyes were so sad, a melancholic beauty that shot straight through my soul.
“Ava you don’t get it. I came to Paris for a stupid convention that I didn’t need to come too… I went to a shop and bought a jacket, which, no matter how cool it may be, was an unnecessary purchase… I’m standing here freezing my ass off in the middle of the night but I don’t mind one bit because I’m standing here in the freezing cold with you…”
My heart skidded with his every word, this mustn’t be real, was he actually saying this?
“…Ava…I…I love you too.”
I turned around to him, not being able to resist not looking into those eyes any longer, my heart pounded against my chest and slowly…ever so slowly, our lips met, and OH GOD just the way he kissed me turned me on.
He was so strong, delicate and passionate at the same time, and as the wind whipped around our bodies that were firmly encased into each other’s arms I said a silent prayer of thanks to whomever, or whatever had made this feel alright again.
He pulled away from my lips leisurely, is eyes catching the lights of the city and reflecting small sparks into my own, “I promise, I only want to be with you, help you, we’ll get over this…”
“No, I mean I thought you hated me…You should hate me…you…I lied…I…?”
My mouth opened and cut across him but he shook his head violently, “No…it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter now…just let’s have this… at this moment.”
I let out a sob of something close to a saddened joy, he didn’t make sense but I understood. I understood every word.
“You, us…we deserve to be happy...just, for now…at least…I want you, no one else, just you.” He smiled, slowly leaning down once again and attaching those searing, piquant lips to my own, everything once more was forgotten, the icy blast of the wind, the roaring car horns of the city and the smiling security guard waiting patiently for us to leave where all far away in the distance of his kiss.
I loved him and I couldn’t possibly live any longer with him. Even if he had turned around to me as we stood within the whistling wind and said he hated my guts and he only came back to tell me how disgusted he was with me I would still love him more than ever. Why did he love me?
Would that ever be truly possible?
Would we ever overcome all these obstacles to actually be happy?