Drunk in Paris
Châtiment de l'Orgueil
A few hours later in my apartment, I had nearly finished cooking and I went to tell Billie as he fixed his hair in the bathroom mirror. He’d been in there twenty minutes, fiddling with his hair products and small comb whilst talking on his phone. I approached the half closed door and froze in my steps…
“Look Sarah I’m coming home tomorrow okay? Stop fussing seriously….I told you I bumped into an old friend….yeah…yeah…of course I do…no…no…yes…okay…love…love ya too…bye”
My throat lurched and my body tensed, it was like I had been thrown into a freezing cold lake. I was immobile, it suddenly hurt every time my chest rose and fell. The door creaked and he opened it slowly, Billie was looking at his phone when he snapped his head up in shock at seeing my stiff form standing there.
“Ava…” he whispered, a look of confusion and deep worry forming across his forehead. I just stared at him, I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know what to think, all I knew was that this was a mess. My whole life was a mess…
O vase of sadness, most taciturn one,
I love you all the more because you flee from me,
And I cherish, implacable and cruel beast,
Even that coldness which makes you more beautiful.
He swallowed nervously; he knew I had heard every word.
“Ava…I can explain…”
I sighed…after everything I sighed, maybe I had had enough, this was the final push, the final thrust into complete emotional numbness. Nothing mattered anymore.
“It doesn’t matter…” I began, reaching up to my lobe and before I knew it I was removing the beautiful earrings that now were soiled beyond repair.
“…here…I knew there was a reason why you bought me these…you felt guilty because you’re with that other girl. I am just your escape, that’s all I ever am isn’t it? A release, I was a release for Charles and Merv and now I’m your release. Release from guilt, release from your normal manic life and a type of closure…”
“Ava…no…” Billie stared at the hand that I had just thrust the diamonds in. I turned away from his face of horror, and walked back into the kitchen.
“Ava! No! It’s not like that…Ava…”
I ignored him, continuing to potter around the kitchen. I busied myself, trying not to think; removing the hot plate from the oven, as Billie annoyingly buzzed around me words falling from his mouth like hailstones.
But they melted before they hit me, his words seemed empty, everything he says now appeared hollow, useless. My heart twanged as I thought of what he told me at the top of the Eiffel Tower.
“Ava you don’t get it. I came to Paris for a stupid convention that I didn’t need to come too… I went to a shop and bought a jacket, which, no matter how cool it may be, was an unnecessary purchase… I’m standing here freezing my ass off in the middle of the night but I don’t mind one bit because I’m standing here in the freezing cold with you…”
“AVA! Will you just talk with me here?”
I turned to him after a moment. His eyes were wide, his hair flustered and his cheeks tinged pink. He was clearly fuming.
“Your not listening are you?” he asked sourly.
I sat down at the table tautly as he quickly took the seat opposite me, no I wasn’t listening, I knew I was being stubborn and ridiculous, it felt like I was trying to pretend this wasn’t happening. Like I was looking at an actress on an old black and white film, this wasn’t happening for real…
“Ava, please listen…that’s your problem, you run away with your thoughts, you don’t let me explain…”
“What’s to explain Billie? You told her you love her.”
He blinked at me; I was surprised I said that too. I was surprised that I wasn’t a crumpled heap of tears on the floor right now…
“But I don’t…it’s just words Ava, they don’t mean anything…”
I stared at him sharply… that got me. That was the bullet, my eyes pricked, oh yes this was truly happening…
“Words mean a lot to me”
He stared at me. How could he not know? I base my life on the words of a 19th century poet. I hang on to every letter that Baudelaire writes. The only man who could compare to him was this punk sitting across from me who was slowly destroying me bit by bit.
Each utterance Billie said had some dominating effect on me…how could he possibly say that? How could he make me doubt every syllable that had and will roll off his tongue? Billie’s words had always been concrete, they were truthful, honest, beautiful, but now…oh God now I couldn’t even believe in them anymore…
“Ava…”
“Maybe you… maybe you were right, you should never have come back…”
He blinked once more, “You, you don’t mean that…” his breath hitched in astonishment.
“Word’s don’t mean anything right?” I snarled as he collapsed forwards onto his elbows,
“Right, they come back and bite your ass.”
I smirked.
“Right”
Billie’s eyes glinted. “Ava, please just listen to me…please?”
I looked up at him, a sign that I was in fact listening loud and clear.
He swallowed; now that I appeared to be paying attention his mind seemed to go blank.
“Ava I…I’m not with Sarah, she’s just a friend of Brittany’s who I went out with a couple of times. Brittany set us up because she thought it would cheer me up after you left and Mike made me go so I didn’t offend his fiancée.”
I opened my mouth but he cut across me before any words fell from my lips,
“…I said that to her because, well, truthfully I don’t know why I said it…but I didn’t mean it, I mean it when I say it to you, even though words now don’t mean anything and I’ll have to think of another way to tell you how I feel.”
I arched my eyebrow at him.
“Okay…but the dinner is burning…”I snapped standing up and taking the food out of the oven, wondering whether that truthful look in his eye deserved a kiss and my forgiveness or a shiny best actor award.
I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned around to witness Billie on his knees hands clasped together and a meaningful pout on his face. I turned my head, trying to withhold a laugh at the scene as he grasped onto both my legs in a dramatic fashion.
“What are you doing?”
He pointed to his mouth and mimicked the motion of a zip across his lips, I tried to waddle away in silent laughter, determined not to let him joke his way out of this one, but he pulled me back and I ended up tripping and collapsing on the floor with an almighty thump.
I couldn’t help it; I burst out laughing as I lay flat on my back .The kitchen tiles underneath me as I faced the white ceiling above which was suddenly replaced with Billie’s face.
“You have a habit of bringing me to the floor” I chuckled.
“I know” Billie smirked, crawling on top of me, his face now inches away from mine.
“Oh you can speak now can you?” I teased.
“Yes I can… I like having you in this compromising position…” his face drew ever closer,
“…Because I can tell you that I love you and I know that you believe me. I’m finishing with her; I just didn’t think that it would be appropriate over the phone.”
I stared at his eyes, how could these mysterious shiny orbs lie to me?
“…and…to be honest…it wasn’t anything really…there’s not that much to finish…”
My left eyebrow rose, “You said…”
“Like I said before…I know what I said…” he cut across me, the tip of that perfect nose touching mine just barely.
“…but I also know how I feel…and so do you.”
I frowned deeper, “I can’t believe a word you say anymore…”
He smiled and my stomach wobbled, “Yeah you do…I know that you can tell when I’m lying. I also know that you didn’t mean it when you said that you wished I hadn’t of turned up in Paris…”
“Okay, so I lied there, but I’m sure you realise that what I heard you say wasn’t pleasant.”
He nodded, “I’m sorry you had to hear that…”
“I’m not taking those earrings back either…”
He opened his mouth to speak but I raised two fingers to press against his lips, “I mean it…there’s no arguing with me…”
He nodded under my crimson touch.
“Can we also please stop shoving me on the floor whenever you feel the need to speak to me? I’d rather you just speak to me normally in a vertical position…”
His lips pursed into a smile as I removed my fingers from his mouth. He continued to stare at me as his hands traced up my sides, holding me tightly fingers indenting at my hips. I squirmed under his fixated gaze, it made me feel special and beleaguered at the same time, the way those gleaming eyes connected with mine made me believe that he was the only man in the world.
“I hate you” I snarled
“Why’s that?” he whispered huskily bending his mouth down towards mine.
“Because you do this to me…”
That smutty grin pressed against my own lips and I moaned softly as his weight rested against me, that skilled tongue making its way around my mouth, those white teeth nibbling delicately against my lower lip.
God this man could kiss.
He kissed everything away, made me remember why I had fallen for him over and over again, made me remember why I was such a fool for him. My bruised lips quivered beneath his talented mouth, heat rising in the pit of my stomach as I moaned deeper into him, his hands tracing down, stroking my thighs and sending electric shocks up my tense spine.
I guess dinner will have to wait till later.
“Look Sarah I’m coming home tomorrow okay? Stop fussing seriously….I told you I bumped into an old friend….yeah…yeah…of course I do…no…no…yes…okay…love…love ya too…bye”
My throat lurched and my body tensed, it was like I had been thrown into a freezing cold lake. I was immobile, it suddenly hurt every time my chest rose and fell. The door creaked and he opened it slowly, Billie was looking at his phone when he snapped his head up in shock at seeing my stiff form standing there.
“Ava…” he whispered, a look of confusion and deep worry forming across his forehead. I just stared at him, I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know what to think, all I knew was that this was a mess. My whole life was a mess…
O vase of sadness, most taciturn one,
I love you all the more because you flee from me,
And I cherish, implacable and cruel beast,
Even that coldness which makes you more beautiful.
He swallowed nervously; he knew I had heard every word.
“Ava…I can explain…”
I sighed…after everything I sighed, maybe I had had enough, this was the final push, the final thrust into complete emotional numbness. Nothing mattered anymore.
“It doesn’t matter…” I began, reaching up to my lobe and before I knew it I was removing the beautiful earrings that now were soiled beyond repair.
“…here…I knew there was a reason why you bought me these…you felt guilty because you’re with that other girl. I am just your escape, that’s all I ever am isn’t it? A release, I was a release for Charles and Merv and now I’m your release. Release from guilt, release from your normal manic life and a type of closure…”
“Ava…no…” Billie stared at the hand that I had just thrust the diamonds in. I turned away from his face of horror, and walked back into the kitchen.
“Ava! No! It’s not like that…Ava…”
I ignored him, continuing to potter around the kitchen. I busied myself, trying not to think; removing the hot plate from the oven, as Billie annoyingly buzzed around me words falling from his mouth like hailstones.
But they melted before they hit me, his words seemed empty, everything he says now appeared hollow, useless. My heart twanged as I thought of what he told me at the top of the Eiffel Tower.
“Ava you don’t get it. I came to Paris for a stupid convention that I didn’t need to come too… I went to a shop and bought a jacket, which, no matter how cool it may be, was an unnecessary purchase… I’m standing here freezing my ass off in the middle of the night but I don’t mind one bit because I’m standing here in the freezing cold with you…”
“AVA! Will you just talk with me here?”
I turned to him after a moment. His eyes were wide, his hair flustered and his cheeks tinged pink. He was clearly fuming.
“Your not listening are you?” he asked sourly.
I sat down at the table tautly as he quickly took the seat opposite me, no I wasn’t listening, I knew I was being stubborn and ridiculous, it felt like I was trying to pretend this wasn’t happening. Like I was looking at an actress on an old black and white film, this wasn’t happening for real…
“Ava, please listen…that’s your problem, you run away with your thoughts, you don’t let me explain…”
“What’s to explain Billie? You told her you love her.”
He blinked at me; I was surprised I said that too. I was surprised that I wasn’t a crumpled heap of tears on the floor right now…
“But I don’t…it’s just words Ava, they don’t mean anything…”
I stared at him sharply… that got me. That was the bullet, my eyes pricked, oh yes this was truly happening…
“Words mean a lot to me”
He stared at me. How could he not know? I base my life on the words of a 19th century poet. I hang on to every letter that Baudelaire writes. The only man who could compare to him was this punk sitting across from me who was slowly destroying me bit by bit.
Each utterance Billie said had some dominating effect on me…how could he possibly say that? How could he make me doubt every syllable that had and will roll off his tongue? Billie’s words had always been concrete, they were truthful, honest, beautiful, but now…oh God now I couldn’t even believe in them anymore…
“Ava…”
“Maybe you… maybe you were right, you should never have come back…”
He blinked once more, “You, you don’t mean that…” his breath hitched in astonishment.
“Word’s don’t mean anything right?” I snarled as he collapsed forwards onto his elbows,
“Right, they come back and bite your ass.”
I smirked.
“Right”
Billie’s eyes glinted. “Ava, please just listen to me…please?”
I looked up at him, a sign that I was in fact listening loud and clear.
He swallowed; now that I appeared to be paying attention his mind seemed to go blank.
“Ava I…I’m not with Sarah, she’s just a friend of Brittany’s who I went out with a couple of times. Brittany set us up because she thought it would cheer me up after you left and Mike made me go so I didn’t offend his fiancée.”
I opened my mouth but he cut across me before any words fell from my lips,
“…I said that to her because, well, truthfully I don’t know why I said it…but I didn’t mean it, I mean it when I say it to you, even though words now don’t mean anything and I’ll have to think of another way to tell you how I feel.”
I arched my eyebrow at him.
“Okay…but the dinner is burning…”I snapped standing up and taking the food out of the oven, wondering whether that truthful look in his eye deserved a kiss and my forgiveness or a shiny best actor award.
I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned around to witness Billie on his knees hands clasped together and a meaningful pout on his face. I turned my head, trying to withhold a laugh at the scene as he grasped onto both my legs in a dramatic fashion.
“What are you doing?”
He pointed to his mouth and mimicked the motion of a zip across his lips, I tried to waddle away in silent laughter, determined not to let him joke his way out of this one, but he pulled me back and I ended up tripping and collapsing on the floor with an almighty thump.
I couldn’t help it; I burst out laughing as I lay flat on my back .The kitchen tiles underneath me as I faced the white ceiling above which was suddenly replaced with Billie’s face.
“You have a habit of bringing me to the floor” I chuckled.
“I know” Billie smirked, crawling on top of me, his face now inches away from mine.
“Oh you can speak now can you?” I teased.
“Yes I can… I like having you in this compromising position…” his face drew ever closer,
“…Because I can tell you that I love you and I know that you believe me. I’m finishing with her; I just didn’t think that it would be appropriate over the phone.”
I stared at his eyes, how could these mysterious shiny orbs lie to me?
“…and…to be honest…it wasn’t anything really…there’s not that much to finish…”
My left eyebrow rose, “You said…”
“Like I said before…I know what I said…” he cut across me, the tip of that perfect nose touching mine just barely.
“…but I also know how I feel…and so do you.”
I frowned deeper, “I can’t believe a word you say anymore…”
He smiled and my stomach wobbled, “Yeah you do…I know that you can tell when I’m lying. I also know that you didn’t mean it when you said that you wished I hadn’t of turned up in Paris…”
“Okay, so I lied there, but I’m sure you realise that what I heard you say wasn’t pleasant.”
He nodded, “I’m sorry you had to hear that…”
“I’m not taking those earrings back either…”
He opened his mouth to speak but I raised two fingers to press against his lips, “I mean it…there’s no arguing with me…”
He nodded under my crimson touch.
“Can we also please stop shoving me on the floor whenever you feel the need to speak to me? I’d rather you just speak to me normally in a vertical position…”
His lips pursed into a smile as I removed my fingers from his mouth. He continued to stare at me as his hands traced up my sides, holding me tightly fingers indenting at my hips. I squirmed under his fixated gaze, it made me feel special and beleaguered at the same time, the way those gleaming eyes connected with mine made me believe that he was the only man in the world.
“I hate you” I snarled
“Why’s that?” he whispered huskily bending his mouth down towards mine.
“Because you do this to me…”
That smutty grin pressed against my own lips and I moaned softly as his weight rested against me, that skilled tongue making its way around my mouth, those white teeth nibbling delicately against my lower lip.
God this man could kiss.
He kissed everything away, made me remember why I had fallen for him over and over again, made me remember why I was such a fool for him. My bruised lips quivered beneath his talented mouth, heat rising in the pit of my stomach as I moaned deeper into him, his hands tracing down, stroking my thighs and sending electric shocks up my tense spine.
I guess dinner will have to wait till later.