Me vs My Mind
Chapter 1 - The Beginning
There are times that I’m not sure I’m stable, times when I let my mind take over, let the thoughts rot inside my dull head. There are other times when I feel like the most in control person in the world and nothing will ever change that. Then again there are the moments I lose it all together, when I’m just a self destructive mess of a human being sobbing my eyes out in the corner. The other moments range from me being a ball of hyperness, to someone quiet against the wall, to being the time bomb ticking away waiting to explode.
Surely that’s not normal.
Then again I never once said I was normal, I never particularly ever feel normal, whether it be me thinking I stick out too much, the stupid brainless things I do or the confidence that I have to make myself unique, to make myself dare to do things that other’s would never dream of doing no matter how much they talk themselves up.
I don’t mind it too much; I suppose I’ve just learnt to cope with how I am. Then again there are times when I want to scream out, beg someone to help me, to tell me why I can be so many different people all at once. Though no one close to me particularly knows how my mind works, I can keep it all inside, I can smile and say everything’s alright when really inside I want to cry and scream for no real reason. I tend to lash out at either the people really close to me or the people I hardly know or will never see again, there’s no in-between.
I’ve been walked all over before, It’s easier to put up that hard shell against them, give them one warning and then flick back into the normal world as though my lash out never happened. Though sometimes I can’t be bothered, I let people walk all over me for lack of caring or to give me a reason to feel upset.
I could spend hours listing the stupid reasons I’ve been upset before, ranging from songs, to music videos, to the fact someone died in a TV show or film that I adore. It can be an argument with someone, never meeting an idol or even because I can’t get to sleep at night. Maybe my head will be hurting so much I can’t concentrate; I don’t get something or don’t have the inspiration I usually do. The list goes on; I suppose I’m just naming the most obvious.
I do love my friends, to bits I couldn’t get through the days without them, though they put chinks in my armour. A lot of their comments just bounce off, I know it’s a joke and I take it as a joke, just occasionally one will slip through and I’ll be gone for the rest of the day.
Laughter helps me though, I tend to laugh through most of it, laugh when I shouldn’t do for a lack of another reaction. I’ve laughed and still do laugh at someone that drives one of my closest friend’s mad, makes him want to scream and strangle the other lad. I do it so that I look as though he doesn’t bother me, that I’m not moody or anything, but really I don’t find him funny. I’m with him half the time I want to strangle him, but if I have that attitude all the time I’ll drive myself mad.
I suppose I have the right balance for now. I’ll handle it all as long as something doesn’t flip.
Surely that’s not normal.
Then again I never once said I was normal, I never particularly ever feel normal, whether it be me thinking I stick out too much, the stupid brainless things I do or the confidence that I have to make myself unique, to make myself dare to do things that other’s would never dream of doing no matter how much they talk themselves up.
I don’t mind it too much; I suppose I’ve just learnt to cope with how I am. Then again there are times when I want to scream out, beg someone to help me, to tell me why I can be so many different people all at once. Though no one close to me particularly knows how my mind works, I can keep it all inside, I can smile and say everything’s alright when really inside I want to cry and scream for no real reason. I tend to lash out at either the people really close to me or the people I hardly know or will never see again, there’s no in-between.
I’ve been walked all over before, It’s easier to put up that hard shell against them, give them one warning and then flick back into the normal world as though my lash out never happened. Though sometimes I can’t be bothered, I let people walk all over me for lack of caring or to give me a reason to feel upset.
I could spend hours listing the stupid reasons I’ve been upset before, ranging from songs, to music videos, to the fact someone died in a TV show or film that I adore. It can be an argument with someone, never meeting an idol or even because I can’t get to sleep at night. Maybe my head will be hurting so much I can’t concentrate; I don’t get something or don’t have the inspiration I usually do. The list goes on; I suppose I’m just naming the most obvious.
I do love my friends, to bits I couldn’t get through the days without them, though they put chinks in my armour. A lot of their comments just bounce off, I know it’s a joke and I take it as a joke, just occasionally one will slip through and I’ll be gone for the rest of the day.
Laughter helps me though, I tend to laugh through most of it, laugh when I shouldn’t do for a lack of another reaction. I’ve laughed and still do laugh at someone that drives one of my closest friend’s mad, makes him want to scream and strangle the other lad. I do it so that I look as though he doesn’t bother me, that I’m not moody or anything, but really I don’t find him funny. I’m with him half the time I want to strangle him, but if I have that attitude all the time I’ll drive myself mad.
I suppose I have the right balance for now. I’ll handle it all as long as something doesn’t flip.
♠ ♠ ♠
It was just an idea that came to me when I was bored.I'm not sure how it's going to turn out, I suppose only time will tell.
xox