I'll Love You Out Loud
I'll Love You Out Loud
There are two policemen and a coroner in the hallway upstairs. For a minute, my groggy state is confused and wonders why they are here, but then reality hits me like a sack of bricks and I remember why they're here. To claim the body. Dan must've called them. The coroner sits in a chair, writing something. I'm guessing a Certificate of Death. The policemen pick up the covered gurney and make their way back to the ambulance in the driveway. Dan watches from the front porch and I follow them out, not wanting her to leave.
The coroner gives my some business card- thing and tells me to call the number on it to find out when they will bury her. He tells me that it could be anytime at the local cemetery, because we have no money for a proper funeral o even a casket so she will just be put in a box and placed with all of the other poor people and unidentified people.
I nod and huddle on the curb and watch them as they pack up and leave, gently rocking and hugging my knees. Dan goes turns back to the house and slams the door shut. I sit there for awhile, shivering and spitting up phlegm. I shouldn't have stayed out in the cold rain.
A cat darts by. I think it's prolly the neighbor’s cat. She has a million of them. I call him over and he, hesitantly, comes forward. I stroke his silky black fur as he purrs into my side. He startles and scatters away upon hearing my stomach growl. Damn stomach. Can't you ever shut up?
I sigh, cough up more mucus shit and remember that my car is still at that whore house. I sigh again, this time in frustration and start my long walk. And for some reason, my legs want to go faster. And faster. And faster and then I'm running, running away. Running away from my fears, my demons, my life.
~~~
I stop and kneel, my tear stained face covered with sweat, gasping for air. I turn and look at my surroundings, I'm close. I stand straight again, and walk a few more blocks till my beat up honda comes into view. I can hear the loud bass of the music coming from the bar. The place smells like shit and piss, not a lovely combination.
I search for my keys, only to find that they're not with me.
Shit. I came all this way for nothing. I kick my car in frustration, "Damnit!" I curse, loud enough to get peoples' attention. Someone's coming my way; I can hear them. I turn and start in the other direction. This is not a good side of town.
"Hey," a man's voice calls. I stop, turn, to see a dark figure before me. He throws his cigarette to the ground and steps on it. Shoves his hands into his pockets and pulls out ring of keys, and throws them at me. I recognize them as mine.
"Where did you find them?" I inquire.
"In the bar, on the floor." he says as he turns and walks away.
"Thank you!" I call after him. He doesn't reply.
I start the engine and head home. I pull up to the house to see a girl crying through one of the second story windows. I takes me a second the see that it's Danny's window. The girl screeches something not comprehendible at this distance. A hand lashes into view and at her face and she falls out of view. Danny comes into the picture and yells something also incoherent. He sees me out the window and begins to climb out of the window, apparently not realizing that there is nothing to hold him up. He must be high, then. He falls though the air [and I can't help but the stifle a laugh, he just looked funny..falling like a ragdoll] and lands in a juniper bush. But then, gets up like he didn't just fall twenty feet or so and goes for the passenger door. I immediately hit the gas and speed off, I know fully what he's capable of.
I don't know where I'm going. I just know that I have to get away from him when he's like this. He gets his anger from his father, and when he gets horrid, he's uncontrollable, breaking whatever or whoever's in his way. I've learned my lesson in staying away too many times.
~~~
I'm so tired. I can't keep my eyes open. I park in a deserted lot and turn the heat low. Pull out the blanket I keep in the back for nights like this and lock the doors. I drift off into a dreamless sleep.
The coroner gives my some business card- thing and tells me to call the number on it to find out when they will bury her. He tells me that it could be anytime at the local cemetery, because we have no money for a proper funeral o even a casket so she will just be put in a box and placed with all of the other poor people and unidentified people.
I nod and huddle on the curb and watch them as they pack up and leave, gently rocking and hugging my knees. Dan goes turns back to the house and slams the door shut. I sit there for awhile, shivering and spitting up phlegm. I shouldn't have stayed out in the cold rain.
A cat darts by. I think it's prolly the neighbor’s cat. She has a million of them. I call him over and he, hesitantly, comes forward. I stroke his silky black fur as he purrs into my side. He startles and scatters away upon hearing my stomach growl. Damn stomach. Can't you ever shut up?
I sigh, cough up more mucus shit and remember that my car is still at that whore house. I sigh again, this time in frustration and start my long walk. And for some reason, my legs want to go faster. And faster. And faster and then I'm running, running away. Running away from my fears, my demons, my life.
~~~
I stop and kneel, my tear stained face covered with sweat, gasping for air. I turn and look at my surroundings, I'm close. I stand straight again, and walk a few more blocks till my beat up honda comes into view. I can hear the loud bass of the music coming from the bar. The place smells like shit and piss, not a lovely combination.
I search for my keys, only to find that they're not with me.
Shit. I came all this way for nothing. I kick my car in frustration, "Damnit!" I curse, loud enough to get peoples' attention. Someone's coming my way; I can hear them. I turn and start in the other direction. This is not a good side of town.
"Hey," a man's voice calls. I stop, turn, to see a dark figure before me. He throws his cigarette to the ground and steps on it. Shoves his hands into his pockets and pulls out ring of keys, and throws them at me. I recognize them as mine.
"Where did you find them?" I inquire.
"In the bar, on the floor." he says as he turns and walks away.
"Thank you!" I call after him. He doesn't reply.
I start the engine and head home. I pull up to the house to see a girl crying through one of the second story windows. I takes me a second the see that it's Danny's window. The girl screeches something not comprehendible at this distance. A hand lashes into view and at her face and she falls out of view. Danny comes into the picture and yells something also incoherent. He sees me out the window and begins to climb out of the window, apparently not realizing that there is nothing to hold him up. He must be high, then. He falls though the air [and I can't help but the stifle a laugh, he just looked funny..falling like a ragdoll] and lands in a juniper bush. But then, gets up like he didn't just fall twenty feet or so and goes for the passenger door. I immediately hit the gas and speed off, I know fully what he's capable of.
I don't know where I'm going. I just know that I have to get away from him when he's like this. He gets his anger from his father, and when he gets horrid, he's uncontrollable, breaking whatever or whoever's in his way. I've learned my lesson in staying away too many times.
~~~
I'm so tired. I can't keep my eyes open. I park in a deserted lot and turn the heat low. Pull out the blanket I keep in the back for nights like this and lock the doors. I drift off into a dreamless sleep.