Miserable at Best

All I wanted to do during the ride to our next stop was sit in the back by myself, hopefully getting the sleep I was deprived of last night. But Alex had other plans as he joined me in the back of the van as we made our way away from that god forsaken hotel. That day I had settled in one of Rian's pullover hoodies and a pair of old jeans, I wanted to be comfortable as we spent who knew how many hours driving, only stopping for the bathroom and food. Before packing up and leaving the full parking lot I managed to grab the down blanket and my small pink throw pillow I had packed from my room back at Alex's house. I placed the pillow on the paneling of the van and settled into what I had started calling my nest. It was a tight fit, but it kept me that much warmer. I wiggled my body to find the best spot and settled into the blanket as we started onto the highway.

It only seemed like a couple minutes that I had been asleep. It turned out that it had been five hours, and we were stopping at the local mall. Jack needed to grab some new jeans, he had somehow managed to destroy his last pair, and the guys wanted to grab something to eat. So there we were, walking towards the mall, Alex's hand in mine, as the guys messed around behind us as we approached the inside of the mall. We walked past the sliding doors and were instantly hit with the warmth of the heater that ran throughout the indoor mall. Alex had made the decision to study the mall map, as the guys just decided to walk around the mall finding whatever found them first as Jack had put it. Watching the guys backsides walk down into the mall, passing a line of stores I waited for Alex as he stood studying the illuminated sign.

Alex and I...we hadn't really spoken to eachother directly since..last night. A part of me thought that maybe he didn't remember it. He clearly didn't remember when he tried to make a move on me back home.So maybe, he didn't remember. Maybe I didn't have to worry about the awkwardness of my husband..raping me? If you could even call it rape. I guess, I never once did tell him to stop, but still, the way it happened. Anyone's first time isn't supposed to be that way. Either way, I didn't know how to handle it. Even if he did in fact remember what was I supposed to say? I honestly couldn't come up with one thing to say. Either way this ended, I would be in a huge mess.

This morning I had manged to use some of my liquid concealer to hide the hickeys as best as I could. But I knew the make up would wear off quickly, I needed to buy something to hide it. Pulling me out of my thoughts, Alex tugged on my finger as the rest of his hand slid into mine, "Come on. Let's go explore."

I nodded in response grasping his hand as we started down into the mall. We passed big department stores, smaller obvious mom and pop stores, and then we came across forever 21. Now from all the other stores we had passed this one had oviously won over my attention. Alex seemed to notice this as he let go of my hand, causing me to cast a glance over at him, he smiled and said, "Go for it."

Without any hesitation I walked into the store with Alex following behind me. Within an hour Alex had insisted that I buy three bags worth of clothes. I told him all I needed was a beanie and a scarf, but he told me the clothes I had packed wouldn't keep me warm enough as we traveled. I took his word for it, he had done this before, where I had done nothing close to this in my entire life. Walking out of the store Alex carried my bags as we walked around the mall trying to find the guys, I stopped causing Alex to stop as well, "Thank you."

It's then that I began to think that maybe he did remember. His eyes didn't have the usual playful glint. No, they were dark, cold and distant. He smiled, a forced smile, and replied, "Don't mention it."

I didn't know what to think anymore. I had reason to believe he knew, and I had reason to believe that he didn't know. We continued walking through the mall when we spotted the guys walking away from the McDonald's located in the food court of the mall. Jack was skipping towards the door carrying about five bags of food, with Zack and Rian trailing behind, signaling us to follow their lead. Alex followed the signal and led me out to the van as we loaded up once more and drove about twenty minutes before reaching the venue.

It was there where the boys settled in backstage, distributing food amongst us as Alex led me to sit beside him on the couch. Jack had gotten me chicken nuggets and fries and small coke, but it sat untouched in front of me as all the boys chowed down. Food wasn't appetizing to me at the moment, I couldn't tell you what it was, but just smelling it made my stomach turn. I leaned back into the couch, raising my legs so that they were folded underneath me, and sipped on my soda. Alex noticed that my food had gone untouched and leaned back into the couch so that his face was a mere two inches from mine, "You okay?"

"I'm just not hungry," I told him sheepishly.

He nodded, "I'll save your food in case you change your mind." He picked up all my food and stuffed it neatly into an emtpy McDonald's bag and left it on the table. Leaning back into the couch, he signaled me to him as he wrapped his arm around my frame resting my head on his chest. I sighed as my eyes started to water a bit, being this close to Alex was unbearable at the moment. After recounting everything that had happened today I had concluded that Alex in fact did not remember anything. Therefore I had to act like nothing was wrong.

Soothingly Alex moved his hand along my back up and down, as he continued to talk with the rest of the guys and crew. Alex kissed the top of my head before beginning to hum to Dear Maria, Count Me In, the soft hum and the movements of Alex's hand was starting to make my eyes flutter shut. That is until the door to the backstage busted open with Every Avenue, Mayday Parade and Just Surrender coming through, talking loudly, and carrying on as they carried pizza boxes in and dumped them on the table. I kept my head down, I still hadn't faced Derek since last night either. Another situation I didn't know how to handle. But it seemed like I needed to figure out fast as Derek walked in, hands in his pockets with a piercing glare as he looked at Alex and I.