Miserable at Best

The next morning my body’s own personal alarm clock went off at the amazing hour of five in the morning. Although I lay awake in the bed, I am still tired beyond belief. Trying to situate myself comfortably I feel someone’s arm wrap them self around me, pulling me into their chest. Eyes bulging, not clearing remembering going to bed with someone, I turned my head, keeping my body in the same position, to see Alex’s head resting on the pillow beside mine. Wanting to scream but knew better than to cause a scene so early in the morning, depriving others of the sleep they would surely be needing. I softly grabbed his arm and removed it from my wait, softly shifting out of bed I threw on pajamas that I should’ve fell asleep in. Grabbing my hotel key card, cell phone, and taking some cash out of Alex’s wallet I quietly exited the room, leaving a sleeping Alex in the room. Not sure where exactly I should go, I found myself down in the lobby of the hotel, grabbing a cup of coffee from the continental breakfast spread they had. Sitting alone at the table I knew I had a decision to make. A decision that would affect not only my life, but the lives of those around me.

The first thing that popped into my mind that I had tried to pretend didn’t happen all this time was that Alex had raped me. He was drunk, he can’t be held for his actions. That’s the way I had become to look at it since then. I was the only one who knew what had happened, I hadn’t spoken a word of it to anyone else. Who was I honestly supposed to tell? I couldn’t tell any of All Time Low or their crew. Derek? If I had told Derek anything that even hinted of Alex forcing himself onto me, all hell would’ve broken loose. I didn’t need any fights to start over me, I wasn’t worth the effort. I was alone in this battle. Parts of me knew I needed to tell someone, even if that someone was only Alex. He needed to know who he was when he was drunk. He needed to know the side effects that alcohol gave him, he needed to know that being drunk wasn’t all fun and games.

The second bullet on my mental list, Derek. I had known Derek for a smaller amount of time than I had known Alex. And yet I still feel so much when it comes to him. Derek treated me right, he respected me, he wanted me to be happy. For once in my life I had someone who thought of me and what I would want or like, before they even began to consider themselves in the least. Though I had feelings for him, which we clearly had acted upon I can’t be with him. Not right now. I’ve always thought the when I would be married I would always be faithful. And though this marriage actually wasn’t a real marriage I still began to look at myself very lowly after Derek and I had slept together. I never wanted to be the one in a relationship to stray, though Alex did freely with no sign of guilt, I knew I was nothing like Alex. And so I knew that Derek and I would never happen again, so long as I was with Alex. I wouldn’t lose my morals just because of the people I am being surrounded by.

The third bullet, Alex. Though I had known him since we were kids when we were married we were two completely different people. We had both changed physically, mentally and emotionally. He was the arrogantly cocky man whore of a lead singer of the band All Time Low. While I was the average girl, fighting the battle between her and her inner thoughts. Together we didn’t mesh well, and we found that out within the first couple weeks of living at Alex’s house. He had habits that I didn’t agree with. While I found happiness in things that would probably bore the life out of him. We made a deal to “act the part” in front of others but see whoever we’d like. At first it sounded like a fool proof plan. And for awhile it was, the acting got easier, and so did getting used to Alex fucking any girl he’d like. And then came Derek, who let’s say flipped our world upside down. Because now, Alex wasn’t the only one seeing someone on the side. And to be honest, I wouldn’t even say I began “seeing” Derek until a couple days before we slept together. But anytime we were together, Alex would get all emotional on me, which never ended well. But some days he would do something sweet when no one else was around, was it acting? I didn’t know, but those small random acts of kindness were shining a different light on Alex. Was I falling for Alex? I honestly couldn’t tell you. I wanted to believe that I wasn’t, but deep down I knew there was something there.

The third and final bullet. Derek had struck a nerve the other day, telling me to serve Alex papers. Like I’ve made it known before divorce is not a word that is commonly heard in my family. In fact, all of my family members that have married are still together to this day. I’m not saying that they are perfectly happy, because trust me, they’re the farthest thing from it. But all the same, they stay together through each day. Even if that means they have someone on the side, or if they spend more time at work then they do at home. My family was a mess of unhappy marriages, I never wanted mine to be this way, I want to be happy, and be in love with the person who’s stolen my heart from me. I wanted to be nothing like my family and their marriages. But taking a look at Alex and I, that is exactly what we’ve become. I’ve become a hypocrite, one who’s not doing anything about fixing my mess.

Drinking the last bit of coffee from my cup I got up from my chair, and threw away the paper cup in the trash can. Though it didn’t seem like it had been a long while that I was downstairs thinking by the time I made it back to our room I could see that Alex was in the bathroom, the door slightly ajar leaking out steam and yellow light. Checking my cell phone it was half past seven before I set it back on the night stand beside the bed. Not wanting to watch tv, I curled back into the bed, just lying there, wasting the time before Alex came out of the bathroom.

[--]

I now know what it’s like to fall asleep with someone and wake up to a cold, lonely bed. It wasn’t fun, slightly degrading in fact. Recalling moments of last night I know for a fact that Brooke had been lying next to me at some point. And at this very moment, there was no sign of her. Sitting up, wrapped in the sheet I could still see all of her clothes about the floor. Her bags still here, everything was just as it was last night, the only thing difference was the missing body next to mine. Figuring she took off to someone else’s room I got out of bed and walked over to my bag, grabbed some clothes and headed into the bathroom. Turning on the water to hot I wanted to have nice relaxing and cleansing shower. Stripping off the sheet I let it lay on the floor in a heap as I climbed into the steam filled shower. The hot water on my skin burned at first touch, soon after my skin was accustomed to the heated water pelting my skin.

So many thoughts were running through my mind as I stood in the path of the water. First off was the constant worry of where Brooke actually was. I decided if she wasn’t back when I finished with my shower then I would raise the alarm that she was missing. Second, man, second was the fact that I think I might actually be falling for Brooke. Last night though we were both slightly intoxicated I felt something, it wasn’t just a easy fuck. It was more than that, for once I actually felt something, this heart of ice was melting. All due to the girl I had known since we were kids living in Essex. Who would’ve thought I would actually fall for her. Though this was all happening within me, I didn’t know what in the world was going on in her mind. Was she just too drunk to realize what happened? Or had she actually wanted it?

Third, Derek, the stupid fuck. Before Brooke was thrown into the equation we got along great. That was until he started scamming on my girl. Does the word “married” mean nothing to the dip shit? It means, she’s taken, by me, and not you, so you can keep your paws off of her. I know Brooke and I had an agreement. But never did I think she would actually take interest in a guy who we’d be touring with. The whole idea of “acting” the part was supposed to be in front of family and friends. And yes, the bands on tour fell under the category of friends. But I guess we never did establish who we could and couldn’t see, but I thought it was pretty obvious. Anyways, now that I may or may not be falling for her, I don’t like her hanging around him in the least. To be honest, I see the chemistry between them. I could see it happening. They get along very well for just meeting each other, he treats her nicely, he makes her happy. It’s sort of hard to not notice the thousand watt smile she flashes about when they’re together. It scares me. What if she realizes staying in this marriage is pointless and never gets the chance to see how happy I could make her. What happens if I’m not enough to make her stay?

Fourth, and the final thought. I was done seeing anyone on the side. I didn’t want to see anyone one the side anymore. All of them versus her, she would win by a landslide. With them I felt nothing but some good sex, with her I felt so much more than just good sex. Sure we didn’t always get along, but who ever said love was easy. I’d rather fight and argue with her every day for the rest of my life then live my life with someone else. I could give her the world, I would travel near and far to make her happy, I would do anything. I just need her to see that.

Shutting off the water, I dried off, and got ready for the day of change ahead of me. My hair still a bit wet after towel drying it, I walked out of the bathroom in a pair of dark wash jeans, and long sleeve flannel plaid button up shirt dumping my toiletries back into my bag, taking a look over at the bed, half expecting it to be empty still. I was surprised to see Brook curled up in a ball in the middle of the bed. I smiled, her eyes stay shut as I climb back into bed with her, pulling her close to me, her head now resting on my chest, my arm resting on her back, drawing small circles, when she mumbled a low, “Morning Alex.”

“Good morning beautiful, how was your night?”