Can't Get Over You, Can't Get Through to You

Nikki’s POV

Something in my gut told me that I should have called before I got in my Mercedes and drove off to Huntington Beach. Something in my gut told me that this was a bad idea. Every single time in the past, I had always listened to my gut and it has yet to fail me. I always listened to what my gut had to say.

Except for this time.

I had driven four and a half hours to get from Las Vegas to Huntington Beach, to see Brian and Mari. Instead, I find myself thinking that I was stupid for even letting all this happen. I sat at the table in Brian’s kitchen and thought to myself. Did I do something to make him do this? Is he still mad about the whole thing with my disappearing act and not telling him that he is a father? That has to be it. He’s mad at me still but he doesn’t want to show it, not in front of Mariemaia. Still, I thought everything was fine but apparently not.

Five years had passed and I never once attempted to try and contact Brian, tell him that he is a father and that he has a daughter. I did nothing and just hid that information under the carpet, avoided it all together. I wasn’t ready to tell him nor did I know what to say to him. I left because I was afraid of what may happen. The duties of being a father would take over from his dream of being successful and happy. I was not going to let that happen. Brian didn’t do what I had done. He didn’t attempt to throw his life away and litter his past with countless affairs with heroin. No, he was smarter than me.

At the age of fourteen, I had done what very few people dared to try. I had my first shot of heroin at that age. By that age, Brian was probably still daydreaming about countless girls or half-naked models that he might have had plastered on his walls. Whereas I was slowly committing suicide, Brian was probably going through puberty or something. I was slowly killing myself and Brian was just starting to live.

Heroin was the only thing that mattered to me back then. I wasted my life getting high and shooting up. Nothing else mattered aside the next time I’d chased the dragon. I didn’t care that I was hurting those around me, that I was sending myself into an early grave. Nothing could compare to what I felt when I shot up. I was a selfish bitch and I knew it.

Part of me is still selfish.

Sometimes, old habits are hard to quit.

After finding some paper in the study, I wrote a note to Brian. I felt miserable and depressed as I wrote mygood-bye letter. I felt the same way I did when I was younger: alone. These were the times that I wished I could have died when I had the chance. I’d be able to spare myself the misery.

That would make life easier on everyone.

A sigh escaped as I folded the letter and inserted it into an envelope, placing it on the counter where Brian would be sure to find it. I heard a loud groan from his room so I swiped my keys off the counter and walked out, hoping that he wouldn’t find out that I knew. I was hoping for a quick get-away so that I could possibly take Mariemaia and disappear again.

I got in my Mercedes, turning the ignition, and headed straight for Brian’s parents’ house. My daughter wasn’t at his house so I figured that there was only one other place Mari could be. As I was driving there, I thought about several things but the main thought running though my head was would my own daughter be willing to just leave with me. She had gotten so attached to the idea of having her father around that just taking her would break her little heart. As much as I just wanted to take her and run, I couldn’t do that.

“She’s four years old,” I muttered, “She’s old enough to make her own decisions.”

As I pulled into the driveway, I had made up my mind to ask her. She was old enough to figure out what she wants and I believe Mari should make that decision for herself.

“Nikki,” Suzy said, surprised, as she opened the front door, “We weren’t expecting to see you!”

I forced a smile as I answered, “Got some time off so I decided to visit. Can I see my daughter? If that’s okay that is.”

“Of course, come in,” Suzy replied, opening the door wider.

“Actually, could I talk with Mari outside,” I asked, rubbing the back of my neck.

Suzy nodded and went to get Mari. I stood outside, shuffling my feet, as I thought of what exactly I was going to say. It didn’t occur to me that I had no idea what I was going to tell her until now. Damn, I’m an idiot.

“Mama,” Mari asked as she walked towards me.

I smiled as I got on my knees, down to her level, as she wrapped her little arms around my neck, hugging me. Being with my daughter always seemed to brighten my day, not matter how shitty it is.

“Hey, sweat pea,” I said, kissing her forehead, “How’s staying at grandma’s and grandpa’s?”

“Oh it’s so fun! I met Aunt McKenna and Uncle Brent,” she told me, excited, “Why are you here, Mama?”

“I’m going on a trip,” I said, chewing my lower lip, “And I was wondering if you want to come.”

She looked up at me with those big brown eyes of hers. It was like having Brian stare at me again but the look in Mari’s eyes made me just fawn over her, as always. Sure, it hurt seeing her father in her but she made me feel better by her simple little actions. Mariemaia was too damn adorable for her own good.

“Would Daddy be coming,” she asked.

She’s also too damn smart for her own good.

“No,” I replied, “He won’t be coming with me.”

“But I want to stay with Daddy.”

I felt my heart break for the second time today. By chewing my lower lip, I was able to hold back the tears. That and blinking helped stop the tears that were threatening to fall.

“Okay, that’s fine with me,” I said, holding her close to me, “You be a good girl, alright?”

“Mama, is there something wrong,” Mari asked me, looking worried.

“No, nothing’s wrong, sweat pea,” I said, standing up, “You just be a good girl, okay. Don’t give anyone problems. I love you.”

I turned to get in my car. I couldn’t bear to look at my daughter as I opened the door but I knew that she just stood there, confused as I backed out. I was fighting a losing battle as the tears started to fall. By the time I was about reading to turn the corner, I heard Mari yell at me, screaming that she wanted me to come back but I couldn’t.

The bigger the distance between Mari and I grew, the more I felt my whole world crashing down upon me.

If I went back to Las Vegas, I’d be found again and I definitely can’t stay in California. There was only one place for me to go: Colorado. But I couldn’t go to Woody Creek, no. Hunter was there and he’d be sure to tell Jimmy or Tash where I’d gone. I had one other place to go and it was my only option. I’ll drive back to where it all began and hopefully that’s where it will end.

I could just drown myself in my own sorrow and misery as I replayed the memories over and over again in my head. The first was of Mariemaia wanting to stay with her father instead and the other was that of me finding Brian in bed with another woman.

“May they never find me this time,” I muttered, “I’ll just disappear and send letters and emails on what to do with the Atruskia. No one will find me and hopefully, I’ll disappear permanently.”

I had lost my daughter and the love of my life all in one day.

Brian’s POV

I woke up the next morning, groaning as I stretched my arms and sat up. I realized that I wasn’t wearing anything and I remembered that Nikki had come to surprise me at the bar last night. Strange thing was that in the back of my mind, I had a feeling that there was something off about my fiancée. I mean, she wasn’t the same girl that I remember leaving in Las Vegas.

“Baby?”

I looked at the girl beside me and my eyes widened. Anything but this. Please be a dream. This can’t be happening.“No,” I whispered.

“No what,” this girl asked, sitting up and wrapping herself around my arm, “What’s wrong?”

“Who the fuck are you,” I yelled as I pulled my arm away from her, “How the fuck did you get here?”

She looked surprised as I yelled at her, scared even. I don’t blame her but honestly, she did not belong here. She whimpered as she said, “You were drunk so I thought I could-”

“Get me to cheat on my fiancée,” I sneered, cutting her off.

She stared at me in shock as I ran a hand down my face. I couldn’t even look at her as I pointed out the door, indicating to her for to leave me alone. I had just cheated on Nikki, the love of my life. I have never cheated on a girlfriend before and I cheat on the girl who I’m supposed to marry! Right now, I absolutely hate myself.

I grabbed my boxers and put them on, walking to the kitchen to get some coffee to think of what to do. That’s when I saw an enveloped propped up against the salt shaker so I picked it up and inside was a letter. My jaw dropped as I recognized the familiar hand writing in the black ink. My hands trembled as I read this, fearing the worst.

Brian.

What did I do wrong? Are you still mad at me? Are you still upset that I ran away for five years and didn’t even once bother attempting to contact you so that I could tell you that you had a daughter? Do you hate me?

These are all the thoughts that ran through my mind when I saw that you had another woman in your bed. I thought you loved me but I guess I’m not good enough. I’m a fucking fuck-up, aren’t I? I mean, I’m a former heroin addict. My first time shooting up was when I was fourteen!

How could you be with someone like me? You don’t deserve all the problems I have and I don’t deserve having a great guy like you in my life.

I’m sorry if you’re still mad, I really am but for now, I’m going. You deserve much better than me. Don’t look for me.

Nikki

Nikki had seen me and she left without a word. She’s gone. When she left the first time, I felt my world come down on me but I don’t know what I’d do this time. I couldn’t believe how stupid I was and Nikki had to be the victim to this.

“I’m an idiot,” I muttered, running my hand down my face.

Then I remembered something or rather, someone. Mariemaia. Nikki was bound to go see our daughter before anything so I could attempt to try and stop her. Immediately, I bolted to my room to throw on some clothes and grabbed my keys from the hook. I ran into my car and bolted for my parents.

When I got there, I saw Mari standing on the driveway, staring at the end of the street. She looked upset and I had a feeling I knew exactly why. It was my fault too. I got out and asked, “Mari, what’s wrong?”

I don’t even know why I asked. I should know.

“Mama’s gone.”

I bit my lip, realizing I was too late. Nikki had already left us and was already gone. I just missed her and I knew that I had royally screwed up. This whole thing was my fault and it started by a simple night at the bar. I began to question why I even went in the first place when I could have just stayed in and had a little movie night with my daughter.

Mari started crying and all I could do was hold her close to me and not myself cry. She wrapped her arms around my neck and buried her face in my shirt, staining it with tears. I couldn’t tell her that it was my fault that her mother was gone. How could I tell Mari that the reason Nikki left was because I was drunk and that I had sex with another woman. No, I couldn’t tell my daughter that. She’d hate me so much and demand to be taken to Hunter. I just found out that I had a daughter to begin with and I didn’t want to lose her now.

I couldn’t tell her, not now. All that I could do was pull out my cell phone and dial the number to Nikki’s only cousin. After a few rings, Jimmy finally answered. “Hello?”

“Jimmy,” I asked, trying to hold back from full blown crying.

“Brian? What’s up?”

“I did something stupid and Nikki’s gone,” I said.

“What?”

“I got drunk and some girl tricked me into thinking she was Nikki and Nikki found out,” I said, now sobbing.

“And Nikki’s gone?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not mad at you, Brian, because you know your mistake but I will say you are a stupid moron,” Jimmy said, “For now, I’ll call Hunter and the others and hopefully we can get a track on Nikki.”

I hung up as I carried my daughter back into my parents’ house. Nikki was gone and it was all my fault. I lost the love of my life and she wasn’t coming back this time.