Melt Your Headaches, Call It Home

As the music started pulsing through the apartment, I gaped around at how many people were here. Some were only people that I had only ever dreamed of meeting. From here I can see members of the Academy Is, Cobra Starship, Paramore, Gym Class Heroes, All Time Low, and some other bands that were on Warped Tour this summer all stuffed into my apartment. There are a surprising amount of girls so some of them are here with their girlfriends. Don't ask me how they all got here, as the tour should be halfway across the country right now. I gazed at all the different faces until my eyes stopped dead at one particular face, Tom Delonge is standing in my apartment!

Slightly overwhelmed, as Ryan left to go grab us some drinks, I looked around for people I actually knew. I spotted Pete briefly before he disappeared behind a bunch of taller people. Alice and Brendon were cheering on Jon and Adam Siska (from the Academy Is...) in some sort of a drinking contest. Spencer was on the other side of the room, he came back from Vegas to come to this, with a girl on his arm. Finally I saw someone who I never dreamed would be here, my brother.

"Ben!?" I cried and ran over to hug him.

He turned as I crashed into him, but managed to hug me back, "Hey Charlie." My brother always calls me Charlie.

I took a step back and looked up at him; Ben was really tall; in fact the only people that could rival his height here would be William Beckett or Gabe Saporta. Last time I had seen him was right before he left, his dark hair (from our mother) had been so long it brushed his shoulders and had streaks of red dyed through it. Now, it was shorter and I thought he even put a little bit of effort into it, I could actually see he hazel eyes he inherited from our father. He also had a short beard that made him look quite dashing.

It’s amazing what a year in Europe could do. I hadn't seen him since he moved to England on one of those study abroad programs and stayed there when the semester was up after he got a really good business opportunity.

"I’m shocked, you cleaned up decently," I remarked, taking in his dark jeans and simple black shirt, much different from the punked out attire that I was used to him wearing.

He smiled and tried to ruffle my hair, just like he used to when I was younger, "Always with the compliments you are…"

"We were all so surprised when he turned metro," came a voice from behind Ben.

I looked and saw my best friends from high school, who are also my brother's roommates now. They have always been just like brothers to me.

"Tyler!" I cried and hugged the one who had spoken. He was a year older than me, but had the maturity of an eight year old sometimes. He still looked the exact same from high school, he was a skater, compete with the shaggy haircut and the DC shoes.

"What about me?" complained the guy beside Tyler.

"Ron Weasley!!" I exclaimed and hugged him too. Dom had gotten this nickname due to the fact that he does look exactly like Ron Weasley from Harry Potter. He was tall, had the blue eyes, red hair, and the freckles. He was my brother's age.

Ben's voice interrupted our reunion, "Charlotte…" It's something serious, he never calls me Charlotte, "…There's someone I want you to meet." He stepped aside to reveal a petite, blue-eyed brunette, "This is Sophie."

"Hello," she said in a British accent. I smiled and returned the greeting.

"She's my girlfriend," Ben informed me pulling her close, "Sophie, this is my sister, Charlotte."

"It's so nice to meet you," I said to her, and then turned to Ben, "I actually have someone for you to meet."

I turned around and looked for Ryan, I caught his eye and he made his way over with a beer in one hand and a coke in the other. He handed me the coke, sadly, and kept the beer for himself. "Ben, this is Ryan. Ryan, this is my brother Ben."

They shook hands while Ben sized Ryan up, "I talked on the phone with you?"

"Yes, you did," Ryan replied.

"And you two are… together?" he asked again suspiciously. He's going to do the big brother protection thing.

"Yes, Ben," I said, rolling my eyes and grabbing Ryan's hand with my free one.

"Well –" he started before Tyler interrupted him saying, "Save the interrogation for later."

"Yeah," Dom agreed, as he stared at Hayley Williams, "Who's the fellow hot red head?"

Ryan smiled, "I think she's single…"

"Well, then I think I'll talk to you guys later," he said pushing his way through the crowd towards her.

"Oh Dom…" I said, shaking my head, always the ladies man.

"Hey," said Ryan, "There's a few people I want you to meet."

I waved goodbye to Ben, Sophie and Tyler as he pulled me over to where some of his fellow label mates were sitting. He shot out a flurry of names and I recognized most of the faces from concerts I had gone to or from magazines (mainly Alternative Press.)

I smiled shyly and waved. I wouldn't say that I was star struck, I just wasn't that comfortable meeting this many new people when they all clearly knew one another. Ryan laughed, "She's usually not this quiet."

"Yeah," piped in Pete, appearing from the crowd, "When I was here she wouldn't shut up."

"Just like you…" somebody muttered causing us all to laugh as Pete looked around incredulously as if to say who-me?

"Is this the birthday girl?" asked a very familiar voice from behind me.

"Hi, Tom," said Ryan casually, although I could tell he was excited, as we turned around to see Tom Delonge standing there. I about fainted. "This is Charlotte."

"Hi," I said, shier than I have ever been.

He smiled, "I just wanted to know who we were throwing this fucking awesome party for, but I'll leave you alone now. It was nice meeting you."

As he walked away I just stared after him in shock. Ryan steered me over to where the rest of Panic was hanging out with Alice, thoroughly amused at my shocked expression, "You should've seen me the first time I met him, I was grinning like a lunatic."

Hearing his voice snapped me out of my stupid state and I couldn't help but make fun of him, "I bet you were," I said smirking.

Before he could come up with a come-back, Alice saw that we were approaching the group and instantly grabbed me away, out of earshot of the boys. Granted this wasn't far because the music wasn't exactly quiet, I feel sorry for the neighbors.

"This party is awesome," I half-shouted, grinning broadly.

"Yeah, I know, Ryan did the entire thing!" she said, "So are you two…"

"Together!" I said, blushing but happy to have another girl to tell this to.

"Yes!" she yelled triumphantly, "Finally!"

She started to say something else but the singing of "Happy Birthday" drowned her out. I turned around and saw Ryan beckoning me through the crowd to the table where a large chocolate cake sat with twenty lit candles sat on top of it.

After everyone stopped singing (although Brendon and a few others kept on with a few made up verses) I thought for a second, made my wish, and blew out the candles all in one big breath. Seconds later, however, they all reignited. Trick candles! Everyone laughed as I tried to blow them out for good, but then eventually helped because they wanted cake.

By the time that the cake was gone it was around eight o'clock, the party had been going on for two and a half hours already and there was no sign of it stopping anytime soon.

Since the age of pretty much everyone, except probably just me and Spencer, was over the age of twenty-one there were all sorts of alcohol available. Under the watchful eye of Ben though, I wasn't able to get a drink even though Ryan had previously tried, but had to drink it himself at the risk of getting caught. At one point Jon walked past us and winked, the next time I took a sip of my coke I almost spit it out, as he had obviously put some rum in it. I think Ben didn't want me to get trashed with Ryan around - he's always so protective!

After another two hours of people drinking and chatting with various people, someone (probably Brendon) thought it would be a great idea to make a dance floor. The guys all cleared away the furniture to the sides of the rooms as best they could. I honestly don't know how this many people can fit into the apartment, I mean the living area is fairly big but not for this many people. People were pressed together and the music was thumping making it very difficult to find Ryan, who I had been looking for the past fifteen minutes. After another ten minutes of looking for him I gave up and danced with some people for awhile before I got too hot and decided to go out in the hall.

As I was about through the door I heard my name being called and turned around to see Ryan beckoning to me. I fought my way over to him and we stood there for a second before I brought my mouth in close to his ear and asked, "You want to go dance?"
He nodded, but before he took my hand, he gave me a kiss that stopped my heart and caused a few people by us to clap and yell. As we went out into the middle of everybody, I caught Brendon's eye, he made a kissy face and smirked.

I don't know how long we danced because all that filled my mind was Ryan's warm form behind me or right in front of me, his good hand on my waist, and the sound of his breathing next to my ear. I got lost in the pumping rhythm of the music that I usually despise, and the way that everyone moved to the beat, even the boot that usually made me clumsy didn't bother me.

Suddenly, the music shut off, "Does anyone have a guitar?" somebody shouted.

I heard the door slam and seconds later one of the guys was bringing the guitar to the person who shouted, I couldn't tell who they were. "Someone wanted a fucking slow song so here it is, Happy Birthday Charlotte. Everyone dance like its middle school. And leave room for Jesus."

Everyone looked at me and Ryan, still clutching onto each other so we stepped apart slightly but as everybody grabbed someone else to dance with, I turned around to face him. In a moment that felt horribly cliché everyone started to slow dance, with the plucking of the acoustic coming through quite clearly in the silence. The softer mood became less so when some guys realized that there weren't enough girls and started dancing with each other. Soon two more guitars joined the person and half the lights went out, completing the feeling that I was at some awkward high school dance.

Ryan guided me closer so that I was against his skinny chest; he looped his arms around my back as I loosely put my cast free hand around his neck, putting the other softly against his chest. We swayed there, hugging more than anything.

As the words to the song came in, I realized two things: who was singing and what song it was. It was a slower version but William Beckett and other members of the Academy Is... were covering "Tonight, Tonight" by The Smashing Pumpkins, it strangely reminded me of my childhood. Ben had been completely obsessed with Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness when it came out.

"Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave, without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel

Believe, believe in me, believe, believe
That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain
We’re not the same, we're different.
Tonight, tonight, tonight
So bright
Tonight, tonight

And you know you're never sure
But you're sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade, in your city by the lake
The place where you were born

Believe, believe in me, believe, believe
In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there's not a chance tonight
Tonight, tonight, tonight
So bright tonight, tonight

We’ll crucify the insincere tonight, tonight
We’ll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight, tonight
We’ll find a way to offer up the night, tonight
The indescribable moments of your life, tonight
The impossible is possible tonight, tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you,
Tonight, tonight, tonight,
Tonight
Tonight…"

When the guitar stopped, everyone stopped too, unsure of what to do. Pretty soon someone broke the mood by turning the music up as loud as it would go which caused everyone to dance again. It was two o'clock when a neighbor finally pounded on the door and complained. It was 3:30 when they threatened to call the police.

By the time everyone left, (besides Hayley Williams who had passed out with Dom on the couch) it was four. Ben, Sophie, Tyler, Jon, Spencer, Spencer's girlfriend (also Hayley), Brendon, Alice, Ryan and I surveyed the damage that the party had done. Amazingly enough nothing had broken but there was trash everywhere.

We were all too tired, and some of us (I won't name names) were quite wasted so we split up which apartment everyone would stay in. Brendon, Alice, Ryan and I would sleep here, while the others would go to Ben's place.

While, Brendon and Ryan went to go get some clothes, following the others, Ben hung back, "You and that Ryan need to be smart tonight."

"Ben!" I groaned, "You're not my dad."

"Yeah, well we don't exactly have one of those around right now, so someone needs to act like it," he said a bit harshly.

"I'm an adult!" I exclaimed, "And anyway, I'm sure as hell not going to make him sleep on the floor."

His expression softened, "I just don't want you to get hurt."

I hugged him and then reassured him, "I won't. I won't do anything that I'll regret, I'll be fine. Now go to bed."

I went into my room and changed into a tank top and some boxer shorts. When I came out, Brendon stumbled into Alice's bedroom and shut the door. Ryan was sitting on the couch in a t-shirt and some long basketball shorts that he was practically swimming in. Even as I motioned back to my bedroom, he hung back uncertainly, at least until I got into bed and patted the blankets next to me.

He kissed me and laid down, pulling me close once he had gotten settled. My lips tingled and I had the overwhelming urge to kiss him, so I did. Things didn't go all the way but that was good, for now. As the sky started to turn gray we lay side by side, on our backs, with our arms just brushing. This silence was so different from the party that had raged only an hour ago but it was better.

I look over to my left and I can still see one or two stars in the indigo portion of the sky and my mind flashes back to a time when I was six years old. This was back before troubles ever entered our family and I only had the joy of a little kid.

On summer nights when it was warm, like now, my dad and I would lay on our backs, like Ryan and I are, on the cement basketball court in our backyard. I would ask him questions about anything… but I always asked him about the stars.

At six years old I couldn't understand just how many there were, I would try to guess throwing out things like "a bazillion" or the largest number I could think of, which at this particular time was, "five million thousand." My dad would just laugh and say that there were many more than five million thousand. I'll never forget the first time I saw a shooting star…

I shook my dad's shoulder because he was falling asleep and shouted, "Daddy! The star just fell!"

"Make a wish, Pumpkin," he said rubbing his bleary eyes.

"Why would I do that?" I asked, confused.

"That's what you do when you see a shooting star," he explained.

"But why?" I asked persistently. I always wanted to know why.

"Well," he said, "A shooting star is when a star goes out…"

"It dies?" I exclaimed, interrupting him.

Death was a completely foreign thing to me. I was in that time period when I thought everything was immortal and death was only a fairy tale thing. I didn't want stars to die, they were too pretty.

"No, no," he assured me, a small fib, "It just goes somewhere else."

"Like to Canada?" I asked, not really sure of what he meant by somewhere-else.

He laughed, "Not really."

"Or like to heaven?" I asked in a hushed voice, that was back when I believed, when I was so trusting.

"I guess you could say that," said my dad, "Nothing ever really dies. It just goes into something new, I don't really know how it works with stars – ask your science teacher when you get older."

Now if you ask me this was pretty heavy stuff to be telling a six year old, although I think at one point he was talking about that law of conservation of matter, he was mainly talking about philosophy and faith. Did he seriously think that I was going to understand the veiled meaning behind all of that? I only think I understand it now, which I actually probably don't, and it's fourteen years later.

Never-the-less I accepted this explanation.

"What should I wish for Daddy?"

"Oh, I don't know. A pony?" he tried, teasing me.

I giggled, "I don't wanna poh-nee. Hmmmm…" I screwed up my eyes trying to concentrate.

"Remember," my dad told me, "Don't tell me or the wish won't come true."

I thought really hard. What did I want most? I had just watched a bunch of Disney movies so the perfect thought came to me, I smiled, I want to marry my own Prince Charming.

"When does my wish come trwwoo?"

"I don't really know," he answered, "But I do know that you have to make your own wishes come true. They don't come by luck; you have to help them along. Whatever you wished for, only you can make it come true."

"Ok Daddy," I was confused. All I could think is: Where am I going to find a prince?

Eventually my attention span couldn't hold my interest in the topic any longer, so instead I tried to count the stars. I think I got to twenty before I fell asleep, although I did skip eight. I always forgot to count eight.

Here I am again, but this time instead of my father, I am in much better company, instead of concrete, we lay on a soft bed, instead of stars, I can look up and see the city lights flicker on the white-washed ceiling, and instead of stars I can count the shared breaths and heartbeats, and this time I remember to count eight.

Yet with all these things and more to think about, I fall asleep before I can even hear Ryan whisper soft words before he too, falls asleep.