Melt Your Headaches, Call It Home

I woke up being suffocated by the three cats that were currently taking up more of the bed than I was. Jon had asked me to take Dylan and Clover while they were on tour since his girlfriend usually took them and they were no more so for some reason he asked me.

The past five months have been slightly duller than the two that we spent with the boys, but that's to be expected. Alice and I have made a solid group of friends, which mainly come from her work, but we have a lot of fun together. Alice is really great and we carry each other, in the metaphorical sense. Whenever one of us gets too down, the other is there to pick them up. If we're both down, we can always call Hayley. And when she is feeling down, we all wallow in self pity together.

Except for now, Alice is in France with her family, and she has been for the past two weeks. She will be until after New Years. They offered to pay for me to come along but I couldn't do that, as much as I wanted to.

It's been hard, I have contact with Ryan at least every other day, usually daily through talking, texting or emailing, but I haven't seen him face to face except for on Thanksgiving, and that was only one day. True, I could go online and track every little move that he makes, and look through all the fan sites but I have managed to restrain myself. I'm not that pathetic, yet, at least.

I still have Jon to talk to; I talk to him almost as much as Ryan. And I talk to Brendon and Spencer every once in a while, but I miss having all of their antics around to keep me amused.

The only thought that has kept me going this past month is that today I will be seeing Ryan and for three whole days, actually two and a half. Not long, but it makes the biggest difference.

I shrugged off my covers and slipped on a sweatshirt before walking out into the living room. I was greeted with a Christmas tree and a pile of presents, because yes, today was Christmas Eve. The weatherman said it was supposed to snow later, so I am in an even better mood.

I glanced at the clock, it was only 8:30am and I was wide awake. Ryan was supposed to call me around now since he was connecting from Paris through New York. He and Brendon needed to stay a day or two longer than they other boys, who were already home, for press, unfortunately that meant that he wouldn't get to be here as long.

The second I got up to go make myself breakfast, my phone started to sing at me with Ryan's signature tone, "Everyone's gonna love today, gonna love today, gonna love today…"

I dived for it, "Ryan?" I said excitedly.

"Hey!" he said. I could imagine the smile that was on his face, "How are you?"

"Awesome! So are you in New York?"

"Uh. Well…" His smile had faded.

"What is it?"

"I'm still in Paris."

My smile faded too, "Why? What happened to flying out?"

"I've been trying since yesterday," he said earnestly, "All the airports are shut down because of some terrorist threat. Not even private planes will fly."

"So you're not coming at all?"

"No," he said in a sad voice, "I'm really sorry, Charlotte."

I sighed; I'm going to spend Christmas alone.

"Do you have time to talk?"

I didn't really want to, so I lied, "I would love to but I promised…" think of someone, "…Neil that I would help him make some cookies to bring to his parents house tonight."

That was a low blow. I should've thought of someone else.

"Oh," he sounded disappointed. Truth is, I don't really hang out with Neil outside of work. He has set a personal vendetta against all of the guys, and has really been, quite honestly, an asshole about it.

"Can we chat in a couple hours? I really want to talk to you…"

"Yeah, me too…. Look, I'm really sorry about the whole –"

I stopped him, he shouldn't have to apologize, "Ryan, it's not your fault. I just really wanted to see you."

"I miss you."

"Miss you too, I'll call you later." I snapped the phone shut and sighed, adding what we had forgotten, "Love you too."

I slumped on the couch and was immediately covered in purring cats. They can always make you feel better. Scratching Oliver's ears I looked at the Christmas presents under it from my friends, I'll be opening those tomorrow. Alone.

Outside snowflakes started to fall, but even that couldn't brighten my mood. I was determined to mope and so I did, until I got a text from Ryan which only read, "I love you." I felt better after that.

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By eight o'clock I felt the overwhelming urge to get out of the apartment, it was too quiet and I had watched too many Christmas specials. I slipped on my winter boots, and grabbed my scarf, hat, gloves and jacket. The snow was still steadily falling outside and the inch of snow already on the ground crunched as I walked through the still streets. No one was out. Why should they? It's Christmas Eve. They were with the people who loved them.

The tolling of a bell caught my ears and I looked up to see a church that I had never noticed before perched right in between two large buildings. I paused in front of the steps; I haven't been in a church in about two years. One day, after one too many fights with my parents, I decided that I didn't believe in God. I mean, if a god existed, why would he make my life a living hell? Or at least do nothing to stop it?

Even so, there's always been something about Christmastime that brought that hope into my system, the hope that maybe there was someone out there who loved me unconditionally. I'm not sure exactly what it is, and I know that Christmas has become a consumer's holiday, but I don't think buying stuff can bring that much happiness into people's lives. There's something more.

I debated going inside and was about to turn away when a huge gust of biting wind caused me to shiver. A push of fate? Or God? Churches are always warm. I pushed open the large wooden doors and stamped off all the snow from my boots in the entryway.

It was quieter then outside. I walked up the center aisle after dipping my hand in the font, my boots squeaked on the marble floors. A few rows back from the altar I slid into one of the pews and sat down. I knew what I should do; it had been ingrained into my head through years of schooling. I should get down on my knees and pray.

Instead, I leaned back against the hard pew and closed my eyes. I waited for some understanding or some voice to speak to me, and when it didn't come, my thoughts began to wander. Of course the only thing I was thinking about was how horrible I felt, I felt like I was drowning in self-pity, like I was the loneliest person alive. My parents don't even want me.

I felt the first tear leak out of the corner of my eye. I shut my eyes tighter, but it didn't help. Everyone had left me. Ben, Sophie, Dom and Tyler were all doing their own thing in England. Alice was in France with her parents. Spencer was in Las Vegas with Hayley. Jon was in Chicago. Brendon and Ryan were probably having the time of their lives in Paris, with Alice. And worst of all, my parents were sitting in their house, not fifteen minutes away and they didn’t care about me.

I feel stupid for crying. I felt stupid disturbing the peaceful atmosphere with my shaking shoulders and worthless sniffing. I felt even stupider when I felt a hand on my shoulder and I looked over to see a petite, elderly woman offering me a tissue.

"There, there," she said patting my back as I blew my nose.

"Thank you," I said, wiping my eyes. I looked at the crumpled up tissue, "I don't suppose you want this back."

She gave a small laugh, "No, you can keep it." There was a pause. She wasn't leaving. "Now, Dearie, do want to talk?"

I stared at her for a moment. Then I found myself spilling my entire life's story to her. I didn't even know her but I was telling her all about my parents, how I met the guys, and about Ryan. She didn't interrupt me or stop me the entire time I was talking but instead nodded or shook her head at the right places. I finished my story, "And now I'm going to spend Christmas alone."

As she looked at me sympathetically, a question popped into my head, "What are you doing here on Christmas Eve?"

"Well, this is a church," she pointed out, motioning to our surroundings.

"Yes," I admitted, "But don't you want to spend it with your family?"

"My family isn't around much anymore," she said sadly, "All my children are spread around the world and my husband died a few years ago."

"I'm sorry," I said. The fact that she would comfort me when she was suffering from the same loneliness dried my tears immediately.

"It's alright," she said reassuringly, "We had a lot of happy time together."

"What was he like?" I asked, suddenly curious.

She smiled and her gaze became distant, as if she was lost in a memory, "My George was tall and handsome. He always knew how to make me laugh, even when I was angry at him. I could never resist his smile, sometimes I think I was a bit of a pushover. Just a few years back, he grew a beard and in the wintertime, young children would think he was Santa Claus. He always loved that."

Her eyes came back into focus and the edges of them crinkled as she turned her smile towards me, "Would you like to come to my house tomorrow night for dinner?"

I was shocked by her question, I didn't really know her, but her kindness was astounding. "I would love too." A smile crept onto my face, "My name's Charlotte, by the way."

"Oh where were my manners? My name is Rose." She took out a scrap of paper and wrote an address in flowing hand on it. "It would mean so much to me to have someone to share Christmas with me."

"Me too," I said quietly.

"Did you ever go talk to your boy with the computer?"

"No," I said gloomily, "I couldn't get a hold of him."

"Well," she said knowingly, "I suggest you go do so now."

"But it's about four in the morning over there," I protested,

"You and I both know, he probably won't care," she said and gathered up her things and walked out in the aisle, "I'll see you tomorrow night."

"Thank you so much," I said looking at her frail figure.

"No," she said firmly, "Thank you." And with that, she walked out into the snow and out of sight.

I smiled to myself and walked out into the swirling snow now only visible by the street lights. I ran part of the way home, but then slowed down as I almost landed on my but slipping on a patch of ice. I tapped my foot impatiently I as waited for the elevator, once I got to the building, earning myself a disgruntled look from the night lobby guard. I ignored him.

The second I got into my apartment I ran scooped up my phone and ran to the computer. As it turned on I hit the first speed dial, and listened to the ringing. He didn't answer and it went to voicemail, where Brendon's voice told me in the sort of voice you'd find in movie commercials, "In a temple of darkness, a hero, standing in shaft of light grabs at his *cough* and I guess, or her fortune. Will you run out of time or will you leave Ryan a message? Your destiny is in your hands? What is your decision? Choose wisely."

I snapped my phone shut and held it against my forehead for a second. I'll try again.
This time, on the second ring, Ryan picked up, "Hullo?" he said groggily. I had obviously woken him up.

"Hey Ry."

"Charlotte?" his voice instantly brightened, making me smile.

"Can you chat now?" I asked, crossing my fingers.

"Of course."

I heard shuffling and a groan that sounded like Brendon, "What are you doing?" came his distant voice.

"Go back to sleep," Ryan told him. I heard a door click shut and a small screen popped up on my computer 'Ryan Ross would like to chat.' I accepted, ended our expensive phone call and Ryan's face appeared on a window. His hair was mussed up, sticking up in all different directions and he was currently yawning. I think he was in the bathroom.

"Hey you."

He smiled but then yawned again.

"I'm sorry to wake you up," I apologized. "I just –"

"What did you do today?" he cut me off.

I sighed in relief, God I love him, and started off into an explanation of my actually eventless day and tried to make it sound appealing. He was happy when I told him about dinner with Rose tomorrow night; he had apologized at least five times for not coming in the last five minutes. "So what did you do today, Mr. Ross?" I asked after I finished recounting my day.

"Well," he laughed, "Brendon wanted to try ice skating…"

"Oh no!" I laughed.

Throughout the entire time we were talking, I was happy, but the loneliness was still there. It was just waiting until that time I had to say goodbye, it hung over the entire conversation. When that time came around, we had been talking so long that everyone was trying to get Ryan to come to breakfast with them. It wasn't even midnight for me. With promises of talking later, we said goodbye and exchanged sad "I love yous."

I didn't have anything else to do, so I went out to the balcony and watched the snow fall in its swirling patterns before that too lost its appeal. I undressed, crawled into bed, sighed, and turned out my lights. I hugged my knees to my chest and let a few tears leak out of my eyes before I fell asleep.

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Knock knock. Knock knock. Knock knock knock.

I groaned and looked at the clock. I swung my legs over the bed and stumbled out of bed, muttering obscenities about whoever was waking me up at three in the morning.

As I almost got to the door, one of the cats tripped me and made me hit my knee on the wall. Probably Dylan, it's always him.

"Dylan! I am going to kill you. Stupid cat!" I shouted, currently angry at the world. I have never been one of those rise-and-shine types. I've always been more of the if-it's-not-at-least-ten-I-am-going-to-hurt-whoever-woke-me-up sort of person.

I limped to the door and threw it open, ready to rage upon at whoever woke me from my peaceful sleep. All of my bad thoughts dissipated when I saw who it was.

Jon was standing on the doormat with a duffel bag and a garbage sack full of presents, in a Santa hat. "Hi Princess," he said smiling.

"Jon! What are you doing here?" I exclaimed, hugging him, causing him to drop everything.

"I heard that you… were you threatening to murder my cat?" he switched gears suddenly.

"Uh, no," I said guiltily. I grabbed his duffel and dragged it inside while he gathered up the spilled presents.

He shut the door and then gave me a once over, he cocked his one eyebrow up like he always did and asked, "Do you always answer the door in your underwear?"

I looked down. Ooops. "Um," I said embarrassed but then shot him a cheesy grin, "Only the people I'm really happy to see."

"I don't think Ryan would like to hear that answer," he chuckled.

I sent him a glare and then flounced off to my room where I pulled on a pair of flannel pajama bottoms. Jon was sitting on the couch when I got out, so I jumped on next to him, "Soooo… not that I'm not completely ecstatic that you're here, but: Why are you here?"

"I was talking to Brendon earlier on the phone and he was talking about how bummed out Ryan was that he couldn't come and I figured you were pretty unhappy too… and the flight is only about three and a half hours, so here I am."

"What about your family?"

"I told them that since I had spent twenty-two Christmases with them, I should be able to spend one with my friend who really needed someone?" He smiled sweetly at me.

"Thank you so much," I exclaimed, hugging him again. He couldn't possibly imagine how happy I am that he's here, granted he's not Ryan, but he's the next best thing. Speaking of which, "Who knows you're here?"

"Uh," he said, somewhat sheepishly, "You and my parents… it was kinda a quick choice."

"That's fine," I said waving it off, "We can call them in the morning."

"Sure," he said looking relieved.

We sat there for a minute, in silence, I realized that I still had an arm wrapped around Jon's waist and I was leaned up against him. When he yawned I took the opportunity to slip my hand back, I suggested, "We should probably try to get a little bit of sleep…"

"Yeah," he said, stretching.

"I'll set up Alice's bed for you," I called as I walked down the hall.

When I went out into the living room to tell Jon that the bed was ready, I was met with one of the sweetest sights. Jon was laying on the couch, hugging one of the decorative pillows, with cats spread all over him. I ran back to Alice's room to grab a blanket, and then proceeded to lay it over him.

As he shifted in his sleep, a feeling that I can only describe as affection, made its way up into my chest. It just sat there, making a smile creep onto my face. I sat down on the coffee table and watched him. I am just happy that he was here. Really, I think I can relate to Jon better than anyone, even Alice. He's my best friend and I love him for that.

I said softly, "Goodnight Jon Jon," and made my way back towards my own bed. The second my head hit the pillows, I was asleep.