Melt Your Headaches, Call It Home

I woke up to soft kisses being pressed against my lips. I returned the kisses and slowly opened my eyes to see Ryan smiling over me.

"Hey you," he said softly, brushing my behead hair out of my face.

"Hey yourself," I answered and reached up to press my lips to his.

"You know we're alone," he smirked after he pulled away, I could feel his words rumbling through his chest as he lay on top of me and kissed me again, making me forget to breathe.

"Oh really?" I purred placing a finger on his white chest, "I wonder what we should do?"

He kissed me, "I have an idea…"

An hour later I was drying off after taking a hot shower. My clothes were in the dryer so I draped a towel around me and made my way out to the washing machine and dryer.

As I headed back to my room after grabbing my clothes, I caught sight of the back of Ryan's head and saw that he was watching MTV, and ironically it was playing the Nine in the Afternoon music video. I tiptoed my way so that I was behind the couch with the intent of scaring him. He must have sensed me behind him or something and turned around.

That's when I realized my mistake.

It wasn't Ryan, it was Brendon. When he saw what I was wearing (or not wearing) his eyes grew comically gigantic, like a deer in the headlights.

"Brendon?" I cried, almost dropping my towel with surprise but I managed to reclaim my grip, I held it around myself even tighter. My cheeks were burning but they were nowhere close to the fire engine shade of red that Brendon's were at.

"Charlotte, I… you uh –" He stuttered and when he wasn't able to come up with anything, he clapped his hands over his eyes.

"What are you doing here?" I exclaimed.

His eyes peeked out from a gap in his fingers, he was sure to keep his gaze on my face, "Why don't you get dressed and then I'll tell you?"

"Urie, tell me now." I gave him a stern look.

"Ok," he relented, the small portion of his dark brown eyes that I could see were gleaming with excitement, "It involves shopping."

"Stay there," I ordered. It was obvious that he wasn’t just going to hand out the information.

He covered his eyes again as I bent down to grab the clothes that I had dropped.

The second I was back out in the living room, fully clothed this time, Brendon was dragging me out the door by my wrist. He ignored my loud protests. In fact, in a very un-Brendon manner, he didn't speak until I was safely shut away in a black rental car and we were out of the apartment complex.

"Brendon Boyd Urie, if you don't tell me exactly what's –"

"Ok ok!" he flung his hands up in a motion of surrender.

"Hands on the wheel!" I cried.

Once his hands shot back and the car was back under control, he said, "All I know is that I'm taking you shopping at this store. Ryan is somewhere and so is Alice, I don't know where though!"

I gave him the evil eye.

"Do you honestly think they would tell me anything they wanted to keep secret?" he asked.

He had a good point. "Fine," I said grudgingly, "I believe you."

We pulled up to the address written down on the post-it firmly clamped in Brendon's hand, he wouldn't let me see it. When I tried to grab it he almost swerved into the oncoming traffic, earning us some well deserved honks and yelled obscenities. I didn't try to get it again, the information wasn't worth my life, and we'd be there soon anyway.

We pulled into a parking spot right in front of the store. I was surprised to see that it was a dress shop. One of those expensive fashionista boutiques that there was no way in hell I could afford something on their clearance rack. Brendon assured me it was the right address.

Despite my misgivings I followed him in and nodded to his instruction to look around. He disappeared among the racks.

I wandered through the beautiful dresses feeling slightly dull in comparison, I was never a girly girl and so I felt out of my element. True life story: when I was five and went trick or treating, I was a bat and all my other friends were princesses. Sure I had gone to Homecoming and all the other normal high school events but most of the time I would borrow dresses from my few girl friends since I couldn't afford to buy one myself. There was no way that my mom would have been so gracious enough to buy one for me.

A cute little black dress caught my eye but my eyes practically popped out of their sockets when I saw the price tag. Back on the rack you go.

"What was wrong with that one?" I looked up; Brendon was standing in front of me with a full armload of dresses.

"These are way too expensive," I hissed out of hearing range of the hovering assistant, "There is no way that I can get these."

"I have Ryan's credit card," Brendon smirked waving the bit of plastic in front of my face.

"But –"

"No buts, he's gotta spend his money on something."

I reluctantly gave in to the idea and shook away the memory of Ryan's sweet, but expensive Christmas and birthday presents. I concentrated on the dresses that Brendon was holding.

The first was green with a plunging v-neck. The second was a shorter smoky gray one with a beaded bodice. A satin blue was his third pick. My favorite was the last one. It was a deep purple and the fabric was a soft satin. The shaped bodice was strapless and had a slight princess dip; it flared out into a bubble skirt bottom.

He craned his neck to see where I was hiding my dresses but when he couldn't catch a glimpse of them he asked, "Where are yours?"

I shrugged and he gave a heaving sigh as if to say what an idiot, but before I could defend myself he gave another lung exploding sigh and said, "Never mind, never mind, I have some choices for you." He handed me the green one, "This one would match your eyes." He handed me the smoky gray one, "This one would show off your figure the best." He handed me the blue one, "This one would pair with your hair the best." He handed me t he purple one, "And this one would go well with your figure, your eyes, your skin and your hair."

All the dresses were gorgeous.

I asked, amazed, "Brendon, are you sure you're not gay?"

He snorted and rolled his eyes, "I love tits way too much to be gay."

I smiled and turned to go to the dressing rooms but Brendon stopped me, "Oh and I picked out shoes that would match with each of those dresses."

"You really expect me to believe that you're not gay?"

"I'm not!" He exclaimed incredulously.

"Uh huh," I said grinning, with a slight hint of evilness, "I've seen the way you look at Ryan."

"You caught me. You're right," Brendon said sarcastically and then he started in a dreamy voice, "His luscious brown hair is so soft and his eyes are just deep pools of longing for my bod."

I rolled my eyes and turned around to head for the dressing rooms, but he wasn't stopping, "His skinniness just turns me on. Oh and his long fingers, you know what they say about –"

"Brendon!"

He shut up and I shut myself in a dressing room. After a short debate I decided to try on the purple one, if it fit and everything, it was the one I wanted. I slipped it on and gave a soft, "Oh."

It was perfect.

"Lemme see," whined Brendon from the other side of the door.

I glanced at my reflection one more time before turning the knob and letting him in.

"Wow, you look…"

"Stupid?" I asked, worried by his lack of adjectives to describe my appearance.

"I was going to say something more along the lines of breathtaking," I looked at his face to see if he was joking but it only held sincerity.

"Really, B-don?"

"Really. Ryan is going to –"

I stopped him, "If it's something dirty, I don't want to hear it."

He crossed his arms, "You obviously have no faith in me."

I laughed at his childish pout, "It was only because I had faith in you that I expected you to say something dirty."

"Well, you do know me pretty well," he said bashfully.

"Now where are these shoes that you were talking about?"

"I like the way you think, girl."

-----------------------------------

"Ouch! Brendon, that was my ear not my hair." The burned spot stung as he yanked the iron from my now charred skin.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, "I'm never got as good at this as Ryan."

"We should just have him come in here," I said, for probably the fifth time. I had already been burned at least three times.

"The whole point is that he'll instantly want to jump your bones when he sees you and I can't allow that until your entire image is complete," he obnoxiously flailed the curler.

I was sitting on the closed toilet lid in my bathroom while Brendon stood behind me, welding hot curling irons of different sizes. The air was heavily perfumed with the overpowering scents of the hair products he had sprayed, spread or dumped on my head.

"Ok," he announced proudly, allowing me to get up and see myself in the mirror, "All done!"

I stood up and took in Brendon's masterpiece. Soft curls cascaded to just brush my shoulders and the section of hair that was usually falling in my face was pulled back artfully in bobby pins. My makeup was done and so getting on the dress was the last thing that I had to do, I was surprised at how pleased I was with my image. I still looked like myself, no heavy makeup caked on or anything, I was just more polished than I normally was.

"I love it," I smiled at Brendon's reflection and then turned and gave him a hug, "Thank you."

He grinned happily, "My work here is done. I'll tell Ryan you're ready."

I went into my room and put on the dress and the strappy shoes that made me just a hair shorter than Ryan, checked my appearance one last time and went out to the living room to wait for his arrival. I didn't need to wait though, he was already here.

He stood casually in a tuxedo complete with a black bow tie. One hand was held behind his back and his face held the lip biting expression that meant he was concentrating hard or deep in thought. Right now, I think it's the latter. Regardless, he was undeniably adorable and hot, at the same time.

The moment he saw me, his eyes lit up but he did a double take before a huge smile stretched across his face. He took a few steps to reach me and gave me a skin scorching kiss, I think my heart stopped. "You look amazing," he said and from behind his back he drew out a single red rose. Cliché, sure, but it still took me a minute to remember how to breathe.

I took the rose from him, "Thank you," I said short of breath and after setting it aside, I planted a kiss on his lips, "You look amazing too."

He gave a small laugh, "I've glad that we've established that we both look amazing." I smiled wider, if that's possible.

"So what's the occasion for this fancy dress?" I asked.

His only answer was a vague, "You'll see."

"You're not going to tell me."

"Nope," he smiled again, "But surprises are fun."

"So you say…" I grumbled, I've been waiting all day for this, "Let's go!" I added more enthusiastically.

He held a piece of cloth in front of my face, "Like I said, it's a surprise; you can't see where we're going."

"I could close my eyes."

"Would you?" he asked looking surprised. Thanks for all the faith… not.

"Fine. Do it, Ross," I said grudgingly, "Just don't mess up my hair."

The world disappeared and I felt Ryan gently tying it so that my hair didn't get knotted also, "Oh, I wouldn't dare."

"You are in an extremely happy mood, Mr. Ross," I remarked, he was the happiest I had ever seen, you could just see it radiating from him, I think it's contagious.

"Since when am I Mr. Ross?" he asked steering me out the door and down the hall.

"You know," I said informatively, also ignoring his last comment, "It's not very easy to walk in heels normally but blindfolded is just a death wish."

"You trust me right?" he asked seriously.

"Yeah but –"

"Then you have nothing to worry about," he told me reassuringly, that is, until he stopped suddenly without giving me any sort of warning.

"Dammit," Ryan muttered, "I forgot something." He started leading me back my apartment.

I replied grumpily, moving along slowly to prevent myself from tripping, "You obviously want me to get killed."

"It'll just take a second and then you'll get to see what it is."

"Oh, I am just about ready to explode with excitement," I said sarcastically, only able to discern a slight change in light through the fabric.

"Uh," Ryan said slightly nervous, "It's gonna take a little longer than I thought. I'll take off your blindfold."

His fingers gently tugged the knot out from the back of my head and the world was revealed once again. We were in my apartment, but in the space of five minutes it had transformed to the site of a candle lit room with a romantic dinner set for two. I realized that it was really Ben's apartment that had transformed, he must have been working on this all day.

I looked at Ryan who was anxiously watching me, waiting for my opinion.

"You did this?" I asked. I was completely sure that he did but I still had to ask.

"Surprise," he said, still unsure of what I thought.

I walked towards him with the intention of hugging him but instead I stumbled just before I reached him, I tensed, sure that I was going to hit the floor but gentle hands caught me. "Careful now," he murmured, the corners of his mouth upturned.

"You wanna know what, Ryan Ross?" I said after I was brought to stand on my own two feet.

"What?"

"I love you."

He grinned happily and led me over to the table where we would enjoy an entirely Ryan made (with the help of Alice) dinner. The most memorable part of dinner was right after I sat down, Ryan gave me a soft kiss on the cheek and whispered, "I love you too."

-----------------------------------

"What are we doing?" I asked. The curiosity was driving me insane.

"You'll see…" Ryan said annoyingly grabbing my hand and interlocking his fingers with mine.

I know we were headed to the park, but I didn't know why. Ryan's coat was draped across my shoulders since the wind made it slightly chilly and I had ditched my heels for flip flops when Ryan informed me that we were going for a walk after dinner. I have to say that it was pretty good.

"You're such a meanie," I jokingly, kissing his smile. He was driving me crazy with how good he looked the tie loose and hanging around his neck; I loved the way his shirt was messily tucked and appreciative way that his eyes watched me.

"Yeah but you love me," came the cocky response as he guided me towards the bench where we first talked about our past so long ago.

"So true," I said and smiled happily at him.

"We're here –" he stopped, and his brown eyes widened in shock and fear.

The next thing I know he's shoved me forward and I land hard, kneeling on the pavement, my flip flops are left somewhere behind me. Still on my knees, I sucked in a large breath trying to ease the pain of my stinging and bleeding palms. Every thought of my discomfort and confusion is forgotten as I hear Ryan cry out and whip around to see him throw a punch at Ryan. Fredrick Carson was here in his menacing presence, with those same cold glinting eyes and the same dangerous intentions as the last time we met in these circumstances.

Oh, God.

Fear shot through me as I rushed over to the brawl but bright balls of light burst in my vision as his fist caught me on the side of the head and I went down again. "To bad you couldn't just pay up bitch," he sneered. What is he talking about?

I stood up and tried to remember everything from that stupid class Ben made me take. Ryan and I manage to keep him at bay but he doesn't give up. I let down my guard for a moment to yell, in case any passerbyers can hear us.

As I twist my body I hear Ryan yell a warning and a sharp slice of pain rakes along my back and something warm soaks through my shirt. I catch a glimpse of silver in the corner of my eye and see that he's holding a knife. A second later, before I can even blink, the blade was blood red, Ryan dropped, and terror like I have never felt ripped through me.

"Nooo!" I scream, furiously flailing now. I managed to knee him in the stomach which caused him to drop the dripping knife. Time speeds up and the next thing I know, through some fluke he's stumbling over the back of the bench and landing with a crack as his neck bended in an unnatural position. I stood there for a quick second as he stopped twitching, shocked, before I frantically rushed back to where Ryan was laying.

I knelt next to him, numb; blood had soaked his entire white shirt and was slowly spreading along the sidewalk. I knew that I had to put pressure on where he was stabbed if there was any chance of him surviving, I found the spot and did the best I could. I don’t know where my cell phone is and so instead I cry out for help, sobbing at the same time.

I hear footsteps rush up and look up to see a man, pulling out his cell phone.

In that minute, the whole world stopped revolving; it must have, because time stood still. Sure, life beyond this park went on, the traffic lights didn't stop and neither did the traffic that it controlled, but none of it mattered. Nothing mattered right now except for the figure below me.

I could see myself, kneeling next to this bleeding… dying boy, hands pressing down on a mortal wound. My shouts had drawn a crowd, they were whispering and unsure. My eyes gazed sightlessly at that man speaking in a muffled tone, although I'm sure he was shouting, all sound had gone from my ears. I saw them all without seeing. I heard them all without hearing. I felt the chill air draw goose bumps on my exposed legs, but I didn't feel the cold it brought. The only thing that brought me back was the struggling cough from the person that I loved who was trying to speak.

"Charlotte," I hear my name faintly in Ryan's voice and the touch of his hand on my shaking forearm, strained from the pressure on his chest, trying to keep him together. I relieved pressure from one hand and gripped his firmly.

"Ryan," I say, my voice shaking. His eyes flutter open and he looks dazed, " Don’t worry they're coming. Just hold on."

"I think it's a little late for that," he said, his breath rattling and wheezing. His face was white, a shocking white and I knew he didn't have much longer. They had to get here fast.

"Don't say that... Don't say that," I sobbed while tears drip onto his soaked shirt.

A tear leaked out from the corner of his eye but I wiped it away as best as I could with my shoulder. "I'm scared," he said in a heartbreaking voice. I'm losing part of myself, right before my eyes.

I could only stroke his face with one shaking hand still grasped by his, leaving a smear of red across his face; I bent over and kissed him, tasting salty tears. It would be the last time. My mind can't comprehend. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. How could this happen? He can't… he just can't.

"I'm scared too. Don't leave me, Ryan. I love you so much." I whispered, now gripping both of his hands in mine, and pressed them down on his heart.

"I love you too," he said in a fading voice, "I love you more than anything."

I was losing him fast and there was nothing that I could do. The person I love more than anything in the world is dying. He was struggling to breathe and his coughs were getting weaker, his eyes didn't leave my face and the one hand wouldn't let go of mine. Tears streamed down my face as I leaned over him, staring into his eyes that still held love, but also fear. He gazed straight back into my eyes and flickered over my face, as if memorizing everything.

"Don't let go," Ryan murmured, trying to grip my hand even tighter.

"Never, I won't ever," I cried, "You are the best thing that's ever happened to me." I tried to shake the tears out of my eyes, I couldn't see him.

"All I ever wanted was for you to be happy," he rasped, attempting a smile.

My heart shattered into a million tiny pieces, "Ryan, you always make me happy."

He tried to speak again but couldn't find the strength.

"Don't leave me," I whimpered, but the only response was a tear slipping from his eyes.

As he took his last rattling breath, those soft, honey-brown eyes met mine and the light that sparkled in them faded, only leaving the distant reflection of the park lamps. His hands loosened and tried to slip from mine. Ryan was gone.

He is gone. Forever. I can't form coherent thoughts, the only image I can hold in my head is how that one tear slid out of his eye and the attempt at a smile that I would never see again; it plays over and over in my head. I can hear the sound of sirens growing louder by the second. Too late, I thought bitterly.

He's gone.

I look at his sightless eyes… his body's sightless eyes. He's not there anymore. I let his hands fall from mine onto his chest and reach forward gently closing his eyes, my fingertips brushing his eyelashes, painting his eyelids red. The first drop of rain falls and makes another mock tear track across his face. A wave of grief rolls over me and pain in my heart is so great that I gasp and bend over him, grabbing his still warm hands once more. I hardly notice when the rain soaks my shirt but I fight the arms that try to pull me away towards the waiting sirens and away from him.

As the ambulance doors shut and hide my last view of him, my mind dimly sought out something… anything that could take me away from this horrible grief stabbing at my very soul.


It was late and I had school the next day. I should've been asleep but instead I was curled upon the foot of my bed by the window snuggling my stuffed Eeyore and watching the quiet, dark street below catching words flowing from the open window in the living room. Something downstairs creaked, my eyes snapped to my slightly ajar door and I held my breath, still trying to listen to the muffled voices from the bottom floor.

When I got up and tried to snuggle down in my covers, the shouting started. The real, possibly relationship defining fight had begun.

Not twenty minutes ago, Ben had come home late from working on a school project to find four beer bottles littered around my dad and me bringing him another one, since mom wasn't home. I had never seen him so angry. I was scared.

He gently pried the full bottle from my hands. "Charlie," he told me seriously, "I want you to go upstairs quickly change into your pajamas and hide under your covers. Cover your ears. Can you do that for me?"

"Can I bring Eeyore?"

"Yes, but promise me that you won't go anywhere until I come and get you."

"CHARLOTTE! Where is my drink?" the harsh voice, coming from the other room made my flinch.

"If Dad comes upstairs, hide in your closet. Promise me."

I looked at his eyes, he mad but he was also terrified. This would be the first time that he has stood up to Dad. He didn't know what was going to happen; his fear is what scared me the most. You shouldn't be afraid of your dad.

I nodded, "I promise."

He watched me run to the stairs and he didn't move until he was sure I was going in my room.

As the door shut I heard raised voices and I snatched up Eeyore. Then the yelling started and flung myself under the covers. Time dragged so slowly it seemed to stand still. The only thing that alerted me to changes was the different pitches and volumes of the verbal brawl going on below me.

I didn't cry until it went silent after a large thud. Trembling, I wondered what happened.

I heard the steps of someone coming up the stairs. The even pace told me that it was Ben. My dad would pass out on the couch tonight, too drunk to make the short trip upstairs to his bedroom.

From under the blanket I could see everything brighten and then plunge into darkness as the door clicked shut. I pulled down my quilt just in time to see Ben touch a rapidly coloring raised splotch on this cheek. Dad hit him. Tears started to run down my cheeks.

He saw me staring, shocked, and quickly dropped his hand, "Dad and I just had a fight… that's all."

It was so obvious that he was lying and I loved him even more fiercely for trying to protect me. His frown deepened as he caught sight of my tear streaked face in the light of a passing car. He smoothed back my hair and wiped my tears away, even though they kept coming.

"Can I sleep in with you tonight, Charlie?" he asked softly.

"Mmmhmm," I nodded.

He slipped off his shoes and got under the covers. It wasn't the most comfortable fit, because Ben was already at least six feet tall. I liked having him there though, his arm wrapped around my shoulder, holding me tight and making me feel safe.

I turned my face to him to ask what was going to happen but the question died in my mouth when I saw that Ben had tears making slow paths down his face. Instead of talking, I just hugged him.

"Everything's going to be ok, you'll see," Ben said trying to reassure me. I still don't know whether he believed it or was saying it for my sake.

"You don't know that," I said voicing my true thoughts,.

"You're right," he admitted, "But you can always hope and try to make things better for yourself."

"Being happy isn't worth it, it'll just get taken away," I tried to argue but the wisdom in his next comment took me by surprise and I still remember it now.

"Charlotte," he said hugging me closer, "Good things can't ever last forever, but who says they're not worth it?"

Not understanding then, I lay awake, puzzling, until well after I heard Ben's slow and deep breathing of sleep.

You were worth it.