Melt Your Headaches, Call It Home

Cemeteries always freaked me out, but not tonight.

The sun would be setting soon and the shadows of the gravestones were lengthening steadily as time passed.

It's been a year. One year, to the day, since I lost him. He would've been 23 in a little over a month.

Here I am, sitting on the green grass growing around his polished head stone, flowers littering the ground all around me. So many people had been here today, but I am the last to stay.

I ran my fingers over the inscription in the marble that we so carefully picked out:

George Ryan Ross III
August 30, 1986 – July 10, 2009
His music touched the hearts of many
He chose to die as a hero and for love
He is missed everyday

I felt tears running down my cheeks as I remembered the aftermath. How he left everything to me, but how his will stated that he wanted to be laid to rest where I could visit him since I was the only family he really had. How he wanted something from me and his favorite guitar pick. Just those little things, but they were the things that meant the world to him and they will be with him forever.

I gave picture of us, Jon took it. It was the day of the disaster dinner with my parents; I was lying on the grass, with Ryan across from me. We were looking at each other, oblivious to the camera. I was smiling up at Ryan who has just agreed to come. He had a tender, loving expression on his face and a small smile played at his lips, it was the perfect picture for us. I have copy hanging right beside my bed, every time I see it; I smile and think of what we had. The ink on my arm also helps me remember to not be afraid. I also have the second picture, the one where we were kissing tucked away because that one brings up too much pain. Because though the picture may make me remember how lucky I was, every time I see it it breaks my heart to think that I can't ever see him again.

I remember that day, as I held him as he was dying. As he took his last breaths, his last words to me. How the sparkle and life faded from his eyes as I stared into them and how I wouldn't let go, even after he was gone.

I remember the funeral, and how shocked I was at how many people there were. I was so angry, because they all couldn't know him and how they were there because of Panic at the Disco… because he was famous and they wanted a story. Since then, I've realized what an honor it was for his music to have touched that many people. It just makes me know how lucky I was to know him and to love him.

I remember the speech I gave for him, I had written one up, but found I couldn't use those words. Everything I said came straight from my heart. I didn't break down or stop to compose myself, rather tears just ran down my cheeks as Jon and Alice stood by me, holding tightly to my hands. Brendon and Spencer surrounded them; we stood there together, united, along with all his other close friends.

I remember crying myself to sleep for months after. Today was the first time I've cried in months, I promised myself that he wouldn't want me to be sobbing all of the time, so I stopped. I just miss him all the time.

But I think that today I can cry.

Everything has changed, yet isn't different at all. I'm living alone, but in the same condo complex as Alice. I couldn't stand staying in our old place, it held too many memories, and I needed my own place. Luckily she understands, and has been my shoulder to cry on.

Panic at the Disco ended. They didn't want to do it without Ryan, they told the world that Panic was the four of them, and without the four there was no Panic at the Disco. They did release some songs that they had been working on, and the lyrics that they had written together and that Ryan had written. They dedicated it to him and it was number one on the charts for awhile, although I think half of the hype was because he had died. These days, the rest of the band still makes music, but it's mainly for their personal therapy. Maybe someday they'd start a new band and I hope they will because it's what they love.

Brendon and Alice broke up around Christmastime this past year. They said it was mutual. They said that they were better off as friends, because they were too much alike. I think there's a story behind it, but it's one that they haven't shared and one that I don't think I really need to know. Alice avoids the subject when I mention it. They still talk, but who know what that means.

I talk to Brendon when I see him, which in the last couple months hasn't been often. I think he has found someone to love back in Vegas. Today was the first time I'd seen him April. I miss having his funny sense of humor around, like back then.

Likewise, I miss Spencer. He's pulled away from all of us, he had known Ryan since he was five and he took everything really hard. Brendon's working on him and Hayley's been trying to help a lot, but I don't know how much more she can handle.

One thing is that I'm glad he doesn't blame me… none of them do, even though they should.

The one person that can put a smile on my face would be Jon. He's been there for me, through everything. He even bought the condo next to mine, leaving Chicago for me. When I tried to push him away and cut everyone out of my life that reminded me of Ryan, he was the person who brought me back. I see him almost every day and I think he knows me better than I do.

I can honestly say that I love him. He's not Ryan, but I love him just as much.

The one thing I can never understand is why Ryan would do that for me. Yes, I loved him and would have died for him willingly, but the way everything happened... so fast - there was no time.

I didn't learn the whole story until a month after he died. It turns out that my father had gotten into trouble with a seriously bad crowd gambling and when he couldn't pay up, they went after me to scare him into paying up, starting back at the first attack. Unluckily for me, each time something happened, my father would pay as much as he could, but never had enough. It's why there was space in between each... encounter.

I want to blame Ryan's death on my dad, but my dad is cleaning up in rehab. I saw him a few days after the last attack and it shocked him into living again. I guess, I can say I'm proud of him now, trying to put things right, but it still can't change the past ten years. My mother is also trying to set things right, we talk on the phone every week, but I don't know how long this will last.

On the other side of things Ben has always been some of my biggest support, and within my family, I'll always love him the most. Even Tyler and Dom are better than my parents, they've always cared about me, which in itself is sad.

Speaking of family, Ben and Sophie are engaged, and they're going to hold the wedding off until Dad gets out of rehab. They want him to be there. Sophie asked me to be a bridesmaid, and I said yes. I'm happy for them… I really am.

The real problem now is that everyone seems to have a plan but I don't know what to do with myself or what to do with my life. I have all these people supporting me, but I don't know myself anymore. I'm not working; I'm just living off my dead boyfriend's money. I know I'm a mess but I refuse to go to therapy. I'd rather write it down than sit with a complete stranger and tell them about my heartache once a week for an hour. I'd rather work it out on my own, but I feel lost.

I looked off to the trees that isolate this cemetery; the sun was starting to set and their silhouettes mark the place where I have to go back to life and structure, and the rest of the world. Here, time seems to pass slowly with no troubles except of the people who are laid to rest here and the memories of Ryan.

A breeze swept by and sent the flowers petals fluttering, I shivered, but not from the cold since was the middle of summer. All I could do was hug my knees to my chest and cry. Memories flash through my head and my heart broke once again. I could feel the emptiness clawing at my chest and the pain throb inside of me scouring my insides.

I don't know how long I sat there, but after awhile I noticed someone was sitting next to me. I looked at them through blurred eyes and for one quick second I thought it was Ryan, but all I saw was Jon's brown hair. He held his arms out to me and I collapsed into his chest, hugging him like I was never going to let go.

We sat there for a long time, eventually I cried all the tears I had and yet we still sat there. I shifted so that I was leaning against him with his arms around my shoulders and I laid my head against one of his arms, and so we sat there safe and in the silence.

Until, I said softly, "Jon?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you... did you know that he was going to ask me to marry him?" Another tear managed to come into existence and run down my cheek, "That night, we were going back to the park, it was in his pocket and he was going to ask me."

We were so young, I am still, I'm 22, but we would've worked out. I was ready for that and so was he. We had known each other for just one fucking year, we didn't see each other for that long, but we talked every day.

I could've had so much.

"Yeah," he said, breaking into my regrets, giving a small, sad laugh, "He told Spencer before we all left tour, who couldn't keep the secret, but it's not like we couldn't tell anyway, he was practically floating the entire day he bought it. He also wouldn't shut up about you."

I almost smiled at the thought of it, "I still have the box and I haven't opened it. I brought it tonight."

Jon looked down at me, confused, "You never opened it?"

I shook my head and pulled it out of my purse, stroking the soft velvet covering, "I don't need what's in it, I mean, just knowing is enough," I rambled on, "Love is the most important thing... I promised myself that I would only open it when I let him go."

"Tonight?" His voice rumbled in his chest.

I looked into his warm brown eyes, "Tonight."

"Do you want me to leave?" he asked.

I leaned back from him and grabbed both of his hands in mine after setting the precious box on my lap, turned so I could look straight into his eyes and told him, "Whatever I say or do, I never want you to leave me."

He nodded. I sat and crossed my legs; he did the same so we were knee to knee.

"Jon, I'm serious."

"So am I, I won't leave you."

"Ever?"

"Ever." Then he got this snarky expression on his face like when he was going to tease me, "I will be in the bathroom when you take a shower and when you are in your room changing, I will even be with you on your wedding night, but I will be covering my ears in the closet."

I gave a small choking laugh and said, "Alright," He tried to smile pervertedly. "But that means that when I go shopping for eight hours you are holding all the clothes that I try on and you can buy me tampons. Oh and when I have kids, you can help change the dirty diapers."

"Well," he said hastily, furiously backtracking, "We can definitely make some exceptions."

I smiled slightly to myself. "Oh Jon Jon, you're so cute!" I sighed reaching up and pinching his blushing cheeks.

"Cute? Well, you're beautiful, Princess," he replied, playing with my fingers, giving me that sweet smile. He still calls me that after all this time.

I basked in the small happy moment of this nightmarish day until Jon let go of my hands and reached for the box. He held it out to me, his eyes looking down and searching mine; reluctantly I took it and twirled it around in my fingers.

"You don't have -" Jon started.

"Yes I do." I interrupted him, "I do need to do this tonight."

I closed my eyes and gently pried open the box; after I got up the courage I opened my eyes and looked.

The band was simple white gold with a small but dazzling brilliant cut diamond. Rays of the setting sun fell over Jon and I, the diamond sparkled different colors in the orange and pink light.

"It's perfect," I breathed, awed by it. I never wanted anything adorned or big.

Jon just placed his hand on my knee reassuringly, that was all the support I need.

I will hold to the fact that Ryan and I loved each other and that he died for me my entire life. I do also know that he would want me to be happy and not alone for the rest of my life, so I have made my decision. I snapped the box closed and stuck it back in my purse.

"Jon, I need you to do something for me."

He looked at me with an unusually intense expression, and replied simply, "Anything."

"Kiss me," I asked softly.

Jon looked surprised; whatever he was expecting, this was not it.

After a moment of hesitation he leaned forward and gently touched his lips to mine. This was the most tender and careful kiss that I have ever received. I reached up with my hand and placed it around his neck, pulling him nearer, making his short beard tickle my cheeks. I felt his hand tighten on my knee and our kiss grew less innocent and deeper as our bodies pressed closer. Too soon, however, we broke apart.

My heart was pounding and we were both breathing harder than normal. I looked to him for a reaction but Jon had turned his head away and pulled his hand off my knee. I drew my hand back from his neck and fiddled with my fingers.

I was about to apologize but he said, "Why did you ask that?" His tone was not accusatory or confused, but full of an emotion that I couldn't quite place.

He still wasn't looking at me.

I reached up and softly moved his face so I was looking into those brown eyes that melted my heart. As I looked straight into them, I bared my soul, "I did it because I love you."

"You what?" That same emotion crossed his face, my heart skipped a beat and something inside of me told me it was love.

"I am in love with you," I told him gaining confidence, "This past year, you have never left me; you have never let me down. I promise this is not some rebound, I have thought about it... you, for a long time. You are my best friend but I love you more than that. I meant what I said about you never leaving me..." I broke off, he wasn't saying anything, and it was my turn to look away.

I felt his hand gently brush against my cheek and turned my face to him.

"Did you know," he said, "That I have liked you since those first few days? But you started to like Ryan and so I backed off, I wanted you to be happy and he was one of my best friends. I just decided that I could live with being the best friend; but I was insanely jealous."

I think I knew that there were always these feelings, buried beneath the surface of our friendship, but he never, ever tried to sabotage my relationship with Ryan. He is a way better person than I could ever be.

He brushed my hair away from my face and said, "I'll love you, always."

I don't know what happened, but I was crying. I was so happy, even in this place, on this day. I smiled and hugged him, when I pulled back he was giving me the one of the happiest grins I have ever seen.

"Forever?" I asked, strangely hopeful.

He laughed, "Forever and ever…"

"Then don't you need to ask me something?"

"What do you mean?" he asked, confused.

I just looked at him until he got what I was thinking, "It's so fast and… But look where we are... a cemetery! This cemetery... and I don't have anything to give you. And we're young… and…"

"Silly, Jon Jon," I said giggling, "Don't you ever listen to me?"

He stood up. "C'mon, Princess," he said and held his arms out, "For love?" I grabbed them and he hauled me up.

We stood there for a minute, just smiling nervously at each other, "I know… We… You…" He stopped, took my hands and a deep breath, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, so Charlotte Reese Labelle, will… will… you… marry me, eventually?"

I am not happy to say that I had started crying again, but I was grinning and laughing, "Yes, Jon Walker, I will marry you, and we are young so there's all the time in the world."

He jumped up and hugged me, twirling me around.

When he set me down, I grabbed him and pressed my lips to his. We sunk to the ground and soon we were lying in the grass with his hands running through my hair.

We were interrupted when my phone started to ring, Jon rolled off of me and I crawled over to my purse. I grabbed my phone and flipped it open.

"Hello?"

"Charlotte! Where are you? It's after ten! You never called me to come pick you up." Alice cried.

"Hey, I'm fine. Don't worry."

"You sound out of breath. Have you been running?"

"Um... No, I just had to uh scramble to find my phone." I replied hastily, trying to fend a smirking Jon off of me. "I'm still at the cemetery."

"Oh, I'll come and get you now," she said, her voice changing to concerned rather than upset.

"No. I mean, Jon is here, so I have a ride." He was kissing up and down my neck; he knows I'm ticklish there.

"Just come back soon then."

"Ok, I'll see you then."

"I'll wait up for you. Bye."

I started laughing the second I heard the line click off, "Jon! Stoooop!"

He silenced me with a kiss that left me breathless and when he pulled back he had the warmest and most loving expression on his face, it almost made my heart hurt.

I rolled onto my back and looked up at the sky, and sighed contentedly. I felt him roll next to me, also looking up at the stars, seeing as it was dark by now. They twinkled and winked at us, casting their silvery patterns across the sky, undimmed since the moon was just a sliver tonight.

Never again will I find cemeteries creepy, they just hold the past, which is what people are scared to become. No one wants to be forgotten and nobody wants to risk finding out what happens next.

Personally, I think I can wait another seventy years to find out; right now I have too much to live for. At this very moment, I am the happiest I've been in a long time… actually, ever. The world has a strange way of working things out. And no, this happiness isn't worth Ryan's death, it never could be, but maybe greater things are at work... things that I have never really thought about before.

I mean, do you ever wonder why depressing things are always more interesting? Why happy stories get boring after awhile? You'd think that we'd all want to be happy but we always dwell on the dark parts of things... even people who call themselves optimists, like me. There are so many happy things in our lives, yet it's the horrible things we experience that define us. It's those scars on our past and present that inspire us to make things better. You can't ever know true happiness unless you have ever been at a low, and those lows are always worth the highs. I live for those high points, which are sometimes few and far between, and they are the things that make any life worth living, especially mine.

Even so, I feel like I should be sad right now, given what day it is and all, but I can't help smiling to myself. I can't stop the bubbling feeling from welling up inside of me.

All he ever wanted was for me to be happy and I guess this qualifies.

"Princess?" Jon was looking at me, concerned.

"You know life's weird, like how something so good can come out of something so bad," I remarked looking at the rising crescent moon and fingering the words inked on my left arm, the past is only the future with the lights on. My mind flashed back to that night when I was six, and my dad first told me about shooting stars… that wish I made is coming true, I'm marrying my prince.

"Yeah, life's weird," he echoed.

Suddenly, out of no where, cold water hit my face. We both jumped up and looked around, the sprinklers had turned on. I shrieked and Jon laughed as another cold shot of water hit us. I snatched up my purse and grabbed his hand, and together we ran through the jets of water towards the car, laughing all the way.

Just before I got in the car, something made me pause. Shaking water out of my face, I looked back towards the gravestones, searching for the one.

For a moment in the light of a star shooting across the sky, I swear I saw a shining figure standing there, like the one from my dreams. The second the star disappeared the figure was gone, just a trick of the light. At the same time, it was comforting, even if it was from my mind.

"Shooting star," said Jon quietly, on the other side of the car, "Make a wish."

I turned and looked at him for a moment and gave him a soft smile. I then turned my gaze to the sky and wiped away a small tear that mixed in with the water of the sprinklers, hoping that somewhere out there Ryan was at peace and knowing that I wouldn't waste the second chance he had given me.

With one last glance at the Milky Way above us, I got into Jon's car and we drove away in an understanding silence to a new life together, just enjoying each other's company.

~~~

I know the world's a broken bone
But melt your headaches, call it home

~~~~

Don't wish upon a falling star
Love will remind us who we are