Tell Me Angel, Where Are You

[a/n: Hey guys, sorry it took a while for me to update. Anyway, this chapter was difficult for me to write. I was hysterically crying while writing it so I'm kinda hoping you appreciate it. It was really hard to put Adele through this because now she seems like a real person to me. So I hope you like what I've written, please comment :] and suggestions are welcome. Thanks a bunch guys.]

I gently opened my tired eyes to find a darkened room surrounding me and a soft bed underneath me. I saw, in the darkened shadows, Pansy laying in the not-so-distant corner. I quietly told a look around with my eyes and saw no Frankie in sight. I lifted my tiny fist to my warm and sleepy fact to find dried tears sticking to my face.
That was a dream?
I saw Frankie poke his head in and he softly smiled as he flicked on the dim lights.
“Hey, you’re awake,” cooed Frankie as he walked into the room. Johnny followed. An overwhelming pang of depression over swept me in a tidal wave.

“I wasn’t dreaming, I guess.” I whispered.
Johnny’s stone-like face gave a solemn shake, answering my dumb question.
“You want me to stay with you, Hun? I can take a sick day and I’ll stay with you, if you want,” said Johnny as he tenderly sat down by my side and grabbed my limp hand into his icy cold ones.
How could he look so strong? How did he manage to do that? I envied him greatly.

“You don’t have to, J. You really shouldn’t go to work, though. I mean, this all…just happened.” I said in complete monotone, staring into outer space. I couldn’t bare to look at him.
Frankie quietly sat on his matted floor and began to absentmindedly pick apart his clothes rug as my older brother spoke to me.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?”
“It’s okay, you have a life to get back to, I understand.”
“You’re part of my life, Adele. Alright, I’ll come back here in a little bit, I need to sort out things. Come back here? Or should I go to dad’s?”
“Come here, don’t go there,” answered Frankie for me as he restlessly continued to pick up an article of clothing and slowly fold it.
“Okay, I’ll be back soon, I promise. Frankie’s here, he’ll stay with you till I get back. Hey.”

He cradled my chin with two bony fingers and strongly stared into my endless hazel green eyes.
“I love you a lot, Adele. If this accident hadn’t happened, I don’t think I would have ever found you. I’ll see you later, baby girl.”
He softly pressed his lips to my slightly wide forehead and gently stroked my soft cheeks with his rough thumb.
“Frank, thanks.”
Frankie nodded as Johnny walked out with his hands shoved in the deep pockets of his navy blue jeans.
I laid back down but didn’t cry. I tried concentrating on my breathing. I tried to focus my mind on my lungs on expanding and contracting . My whole body shivered with a numbness that had seized hold. Every cell was drained of precious energy. Every bone in my frame had changed into lead weights. My sore muscles ached and my back and arms scorched of white hot heat but I didn’t care.

She’s not coming back.
A train of thoughts crashed into my circle of concentration.
She isn’t ever coming back. She won’t walk through that door. She’ll never call me ‘Doll face’ or ‘Pooh Bear’ ever again. I can never hear her soothing voice or feel her soft touch again. She’ll never get to see me again. She can’t live again. Her sand ran out. She is gone.

I found myself starting to lose it. I slowly rolled over onto my side. The giant lump that had taken residence in my throat pressured itself against my skin, blocking my air passage. Making it harder and harder to breath, harder and harder to concentrate. Red hot tears threateningly brimmed in my eyes.

I can’t bring her back no matter how hard I try or how much faith I have. God did this to me. He’s strong enough to bring her back but He won’t. He stole her right away from me because I didn’t deserve to be happy. I can’t ever be happy because then it is taken away from me. Always taken out of my grip because I’m unworthy of it.

I began to feel wet tears crawl down my swollen cheeks as these dangerous thoughts mercilessly tangled themselves around me, gagging me, choking me, killing me.

I could have done something. Anything. I didn’t even try to help. This is my fault, all my fault. There was something that I could have done to help. Something to have helped. If I had gotten her out of the car sooner she wouldn’t have lost so much blood. Something, anything.

“This is all my fault. All my fault. All my fault.”
“No, Adele, you can’t torture yourself like that. None of this is your fault. Don’t do that to yourself.
Frankie’s voice wavered over me and I felt him sit close beside me.
“Yes, it is. It’s my fault. I can’t ever bring her back. She’s never going to come back. I can’t ever see her again. She’s gone and I can’t change that.”
I immediately exploded as these torturous thoughts wrenched me of my soul. She’s gone. Their greedy little fingers poked jagged hold in my temporary sanity and their poison started to leak through.

“No, it isn’t. Stop blaming yourself. You and I both know that’s not true. Please don’t make yourself feel guilty.”
He quickly pulled me up with his powerful arms.
“Frank...I…I can’t…”

I hated myself. This pathetic weakness and disappointing self pity angrily tore and blindly and willingly forced whatever I had, out. Whatever I had was now gone. I hadn’t broken down so badly, never in front of anybody before. I never dared to let any vulnerability show through, not to anyone, not to this extent. The salty tears soaked my face. I fucking hate myself. I am so weak and so powerless for letting myself breakdown like this. In front of Frankie, nonetheless.

She’s never going to wake up again.

These thoughts shredded every fiber that I was made up of. They plunged deep into my pale skin, making me freak out, wanting out of this agonizing pain, out of where I was. I didn’t want to care anymore. I no longer wanted to be myself. I wanted to be anybody but me. This harsh realization crushed me and I felt like I was at the bottom of the ocean. The killing pressure digging down on me, holding me hostage, blinding me with fatal darkness.

“Don’t leave me, Frankie. Please, don’t leave me, Frankie. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I can’t…I don’t wanna…”
I whined as I felt my whole body shake as I began to sob even harder.

I just watched you die, Mom. I watched as your heart stopped. I watched as you slipped away from me forever.

“I won’t, baby. I won’t leave you. It’s okay, I gotcha.”
He quickly tugged me into a tight hug as I heard rain began to pierce the ground and the thunder let off a hazardous crack. I lost myself in that moment. This couldn’t happen. Why did this have to happen?

“I keep asking why? I can’t take it, it wasn’t fake. It happened, you passed by.”