Tell Me Angel, Where Are You

[a/n:Hey guys, just to let you know, this chapter contains a bit of religious thoughts of mine. Stuff that was actually coursing through my head at one point during the past year and I needed to put it in here. So, take whatever you want out of this chapter. It's fine if you disagree with the things I say. But I just thought I'd let you know if you were really against religioud though. So if you are..either ignore it or don't read :] Thanks a bunch.]

Empty.
Every inch of my agonizing emotions drained me completely, leaving me:
Alone.
Barren.
Jaded.
I felt:
Guilty.
Pitiful.
At fault.

For the past week I hadn't dared to move. My vocal chords went into retirement and hadn't been used often or not at all. I hadn't left Frank's room, let alone his house. My appitite had taken a stiff nose dive, as well. I had missed a ton of school which meant I'd have to make up a load of work and so would Frank.
Johnny was taking care of the funeral since he felt it was his duty as the older brother to do so. There was no way he was letting either myself or dad take care of it. Guilt shredded every organ, every piece of me. He knew mom so much better then I had, a fact of which I'm still silently jealous of. However, that made it all the more harder to let go. He had to decide what stayed and what left. Being twenty-one and the only avavilable person, he had to inherit what mom had left behind. Those decisions shouldn't have to be made by a twenty-one year old, yet he was showing himself capable. He gave me mom's wedding ring. A liquidy silver band with the beautifully carved inscription of Love Forever etched into the inside of it. I remembered it as soon as he showed it to me. He knew how much I adored that ring, the way I'd fiddle with it around mom's finger when I was a little kid, the way I loved how the color difflected the beams of light that shot down at it. He said that she would have wanted me to have it.



I didn't understand how he was holding up as well as he was. He was always so strong in my presence. I wanted to help him so badly, reach out to him somehow. But I had no idea how to help. Just a little sixteen year old girl, what could I possibly have done? Guilty. The options were limited, words could only do so much. I wanted to tell him not to be ashamed to reach out for me, to cry in front of me, it wouldn't change who he was in my eyes. Such an act shouldn't have to be put on just for my eyes. I didn't want him to think I was this weak person but I didn't want to lie to him either.
I wore mom's silver band on the same finger as Frank's golden band that he had given me to wear. I wouldn't ever take either of them off.

Frank.

I could hardly speak to him and felt extremely guilty. I couldn't believe he stayed with me and I didn't know how he was able to put up with me and my actions. He abandoned his ritual routines for me and guilt twisted my stomach in knots. He skipped days of school to stay with me, fully knowing the amount of school work he'd have to, but propably wouldn't, make up. I hadn't gone to my house so he gave me clothes of his own to wear for the mean time. He would rub my back and sing light lullibies until I dozed off into an uneasy sleep, which I'd wake up from anyway, shaking. He didn't hang out with any of his friends or go to any of his band practices just so that he could stay with me and make sure that I was alright. The stomach acid within me bubbled knowing that I was the cause of this, doing that to him.

I was such a nuissance, I didn't know how he put up with it. It had come down to such an extended fear of losing him too. I lost everything I was ever close to, what if he was next? I couldn't bare to think what would happen if I lost my Frankie. I didn't want to lose my friends, my friends were the world. What if I couldn't pull myself out of this grave I was slowly digging for myself? What if my friends didn't want to help me, put so much effort into helping a lost cause?
I could even understand if he hated me for being like this. I was such a lost cause, I hadn't done anything, I hadn't seen anyone, I was completely unmotivated. I didn't want to do anything, I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't want any motivation.

I lazily sat up, violently awaken by a drastic life-like dream.
"Hey, you okay?" Whispered Frank as he stiffled a yawn.
The blinking red numbers darted through the dark abyss from across the room, showing the time of three-twenty am.
"Oh I'm...I'm sorry. Did I wake you?"
"Wasn't your fault, don't be sorry. Are you okay? That one seemed pretty harsh."
"Yeah I'm fine-" Lie "-go back to bed, you sound so tired, sweetheart."
I cooed as I edged myself off of the bed.
"No, Adie, it's fine, really. Where are you going? What's wrong?"

He sat up rubbing his sleepy eyes tenderly and yanked the seemingly warm blankets off, exposing his bare legs.
"Nothing. I just wanted t go outside. Fresh air, night sky, stars. You can sleep on your own for a bit." I replied as I slung one of his heavy sweatshirts over my scawny head.
"Adie, I don't care about sleeping on my own, I love having you with me, you know that right?"
I smiled and nodded.
"Do you want me to come with you? I mean, it is Jersey, or do you just want to go on your own?" He questioned as he ruffled his hands through his dark chocolate hair.

"Go back to bed, baby. It's fine." I gently tugged open the door and a crease of soft light hit the corner of his beautiful face. I waited a moment, taking the image of him, just laying there, in, before trudging over to the bed, leaning over, and kissing him full on the mouth.
"I love you, Frank."
"I love you more, Adele Marie."
I stroked his soft cheek with my stubby thumb and then walked back over and put my hand back on the icy door handle.
"I doubt that Frank Anythony."

I grinned slightly before shutting the door, making not even the slightest sound. I stealthily stole down the stairs and out through the back door to the quaint backyard. I walked over to the tall bulky tree that had been stubbornly set back into the conrer of the fence.
My leaning thoughts mercelessly dragged me into a sudden pool that I could drown in if I wasn't careful.
I've always believed that your soul was sent to either Heaven or Hell. I've always thought about it for the sake of my lost Grandmother. Yet, tearing doubts fled and invaded every space that could be infultrated. What made the God I believe in any different from any other god that others might believe in? Whose to say what beliefs of Gods are right or wrong? Why, if you already had faith, then why would you need to be preached to over and over again in church, drilling deeper and deeper holes? These doubts and unavoidable questions had potential of swallowing everything.

Where do you go?

What if Heaven and Hell were completely made up places? What if they were never real and never even exsisted. What if someone, anybody, made up those places because tje human mentality was too naïve, too small to comprehend the fact that you were really gone, never waking up again. What if these imaginary places had been drilled into people's heads just as the preacher sold out the hyms in essence that it would be for the sake of the human race? The loony bin would reach the brim, filled with people who were so mentally terrified about what would happen to their soul after they died, if it hadn't been for the figment of Heaven and Hell. The comprehension of actually being gone was unnerving. Leaving everything behind and just being wiped off the face the face of the Earth...forever. Never coming back, never waking up, permanently.

Where the hell do you go?

Was my mom alright? Was she really in Heaven, maybe even with Grandma, right now? Was she safe? Was her soul safe? Was she okay? I would never know for a fact and that's what made me so uneasy.
These throughts drenched me down to the bone. Within days, her body would be six feet under ground, dirt and Earth, No air, no life, no anything.
It was difficult to think her beautiful body was going to be stashed away under the ground, never to be seen again. Unbearable to even imagine what would become of her body in distant years. I wasn't dreaming. I accepted the fact that she wasn't ever coming back. There was really nothing else I could have done.
I just wanted to know that was really okay, not suffering anymore, and that her soul was safe. More then anything, that was what I wanted the most if I couldn't have her back. The realization hit me the hardest. That she was alive all that while and I could have had her. but I couldn't dwell on that, she wouldn't have wanted it that way.

I was looking up at all the twinkling stars that glittered within the night sky, when a blaze of light caught my eye. A star shot past with lightning bolt speed in a stout of flame. I shut my eyes tightly before wishing:
I wish that you're okay now, Mom, that you're safe with Grandma.

"Hey Adie, you alright?"
I wrenched my hazel eyes open. Darkness still held the sky, cradled in it's arms, but the the light was undoubtably growing on it.
"Yeah, actually...I am. What woke you up?"
"Um, well I kind of forgot where you went and freaked out, to be honest. Did you get your fresh air?"
He held a mug type cup, the ones all the football moms would have their coffee in, the metal mugs, in one hand and placed another on the ground to steady himself.

"Yes, I did, What's that?"
He gently placed the cup to his side as he let himself lean up against the tree trunk and tightly grasped my sides before pulling my body onto his lap. His bare legs shot warmth into my cold ones. He held his arms around my tummy and gently pushed me so that I was leaning against his chest.
"This? Well, when I got up and had my freak out, I couldn't go back to sleep until you were by me again. So I went downstairs and it was freezing and you hadn't been gone for more then two and a half hours but I figured you were cold too, so I made your favorite. Hot chocolate with a ridiculous amount of marshmellows."
He handed me the steamy cup and I let the chocolate taste bolt in and around my system, instantly warming me from the inside out.
"How'd I do?"
"Yum."

I played with his guitar playing fingers as I nestled myself closer, letting my head rest in the crook of his neck as he leaned his chin against the side of my head.
"Aw, you missed it. There was a shooting star before."
"Really?"
His chest vibrated as soothing voice escaped him.
"Yeah, it was pretty."
I could almost feel him smile.
"Wanna know what I think?"
I gently nodded as I sipped the hot chocolate again.

"Well," he gripped my hands and his arms swooped down and covered mine as he continued, "I think it was meant for you. To tell you that she's okay and that everything will be alright, you know?"

The corners of my mouth slid upward as a smile tugged itself across my soft pink lips. I turned my face up towards his. He made his face all chubby by returning my gaze.
"You really think that, Frankie?"
"Yeah, I really do."
The small grin that graced itself grew bigger and refused to be replaced. It wouldn't quit growing and wouldn't budge.
"Wow, Adele, your face is practically burning a whole through my sweatshirt. There's my smile I know and love. Whatcha smilin' at?" He quietly whispered itnto my ear, tickling me.
I had not been this happy all week. I hadn't even really smiled this week. I didn't feel like I had a reason to. Yet, when Frankie said what he did, an overwhelming rush of hope flooded throuhgout my entire being. Yes, hope. He made me believe thatt she was alright, just by saying that. It was like he read my mind, he knew all the right words at all the right times. Right then, in that moment I was stung with such a stab of happiness, I couldn't even begin to describe it. I was happy because he made me happy.
Once again, he managed to astonish me. He was my guardian angel, as cheap as that sounds. He always took me under his wing and made sure that I was fine. If I wasn't, he declared it his job to see that I felt better as soon as universely possible. He protected me from everything and anything. He just seemed to get it and understand. It was almost as if we were one person, sharing emotions and thoughts like first graders sharing cookies at lunch time. He was always that flicker of light in the drowning darkness, always that second of 'hold on longer', always that last inning strech of hope. He saved me and I didn't feel like I deserved someone as great as that. What did I do to have him?

"Frank?"
"Ya-huh?"
"Thank you for being my guardian angel and do not tell me to take my thank you back because I refuse."
I reached up and slowly kissed his soft cheek before settling even closer to him, in his strong arms.
"Wow, Adele, I can't...even...why are you thanking me? You wanna talk about you've been thinking about lately, Munchkin?" His smile gave him away, he wore such a proud smile.
I smiled at my infamous nickname. I was his. This smile just wouldn't quit.
"Wanna go back up to your room? I don't think the tree is as comfy as your bed, Princess."
I hopped up onto my steady feet and grabbed his arms to pull him up.

"Wait, wait."

He spun me around to face him, he cupped my face with his hands and rubbed my warm cheek with his thumbs while staring directly into my eyes. I felt a bit self-conscious, my eyes weren't nearly intensely beautiful as his.
"God, I'm in love with your smile, Adele."
He kissed my forehead and placed his arm around my neck and hugged me closer to him as we walked inside.