A Thousand Reasons Why I Can't Have You

Monday September 4th 2000

"Mikey!" I called up the stairs as I glanced at the clock above the front door. "We're going to be late, hurry up!" This was our first day of school after the long summer holidays and as much as I hate school, I love the few lessons in which I can let myself go.

“I’m coming, just getting my stuff!” My brother shouted back at me. I glanced again at the clock, this is the only day I will be happy to go to school. I have hated it as long as I can remember because no-body used to take much notice of me. Though over the holidays I’ve changed and I’m ready to prove to the world that I’m not a loser.

“How much stuff do you need?” I muttered under my breath at him but I never heard him approach from behind me so when I turned round, I jumped.

“I don’t need much.” He answered my rhetorical question.

“Then why does it take so long to get the little pieces you need?” I shook my head at him gently, I wasn’t trying to fight and neither was he but I suppose that’s the way it sounds.

“Shut up Gerard.” He swung his bag over his head to land on his shoulders not bothering to stop it hitting me on the way over.

“Ow… That hurt.” I was laying it on thick that it had really hurt me but Mikey didn’t seem bothered by my reaction. When my brother didn’t reply to me and continued looking around for stuff. I opened the front door ready to go. “Come on or we’ll be late.” Mikey grabbed his favourite hoody and headed out after me.

Ten minutes later we arrived at the front gates to our school to find every one looking in my direction. I had almost forgotten that I had had my hair redone so when I looked at everyone looking at me I went to ask Mikey what they were staring at. Then I realised that my hair had changed colour and that it had grown too. Plus I had started wearing eyeliner.

As Mikey and I walked past them into the building, we heard someone talking about me.

“Who’s he, the one with the cool hair?” It was a girl’s voice. I smirked with my back to them. They had never noticed me before and yet here they were talking about me. I knew that I wasn’t going to fall to there pitiful level of ignorance.

*Frank’s Point Of View*

I stepped out of the car and watched my mum drive off after saying thank you, as well as grabbing my bag from the back seat. I then headed slowly towards the main entrance.

Whilst walking in that direction I noticed this boy being looked at by everyone else. The people were muttering and staring. I was curious to know why but just dismissed it as I had other issues to address like how to find reception if I didn’t know where I was going.

Once I eventually found the reception and got my time table I headed for my first lesson which was geography. How boring. I found my way slowly round my new school to the room I was in and paused nervously out side the door. I then walked into the room looked at the teacher who nodded at me. I then kept my eyes lowered to the floor, as I found a seat at the back. I noticed the guy from earlier sitting on the other side at the back. I wondered why he wasn’t sitting at the front with the popular kids. I got the impression that he was one of them.

At the end of the lesson I checked what subject I had next and how long until break it was. In another hour and a few minutes I would be able to find a place to sit and take in my new surroundings.

*Gerard’s Point Of View*

I watched a boy come into my first lesson and I had never seen him before. He walked to the back of the room with his eyes glued to the floor and sat on the other side of the room to me. If I had never seen him before does that mean he’s new or just always kept in the shadows? I suppose the only way to find out is to ask him. The lesson was so slow but every time I was going to send a note or talk to him something or someone would stop me. In the end I was so annoyed I was going to get up and walk over to him but then the bell went and he left quickly. My chance would have to wait for lunch seeing as I’m going to the music room at break.

Second lesson was just the same people looking at me and whispering to their friends. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea after all, seeing as I had always liked being unnoticed, it meant less hassle. So when the next bell went for the start of break I made my way quickly and quietly to the music rooms before someone asked for me.

I found Mikey sitting on the desk in Mr Knight’s room waiting for me. I went in and sat down on the desk opposite him.

“Oh so no fan club then,” Mikey teased. “Aren’t the girls falling at your feet?”

“Shut up.” Though I smiled at him to show that I didn’t really care, “So we were going to talk Music weren’t we?”

“Yeah, I really want to start a band.” My brother said looking straight at me.

“But Mikey I don’t want to create a band full of people I don’t like. I need to see that they are like us. Not Bossy and full of themselves.”

“And who said you weren’t?” Mikey laughed at me.

“Ha, ha very funny.” I mimicked. “Anyway Mikes what about me I don’t play an instrument what the hell am I going to be doing. It’s all very well for you as your learning the guitar.” I was feeling sad I mean I was as excited as he was at starting this new band but if I couldn’t be in it then I would be the odd one out.

“It’s a Bass guitar, Gerard, a Bass. Not your average guitar.” Mikey said getting very annoyed.

“Whoa. Calm down.”

“You haven’t got to worry about an instrument silly. You can sing. You’re going to be the main man.” Aw sweet of Mikey to say that but I’m not singing unless lots of people say I’m good and everyone in the band agrees.

“Yes my shower is very impressed.” I said sarcastic

“Yes it keeps falling off the holder to get to you but I’m serious Gerard, you’re good.” He is barmy…. Oh great.

“And you’re off your pedestal.” I said weirdly I make up half the stuff I say.

“Well then sing to me and I’ll tell you now.” I am not singing to him. Not ever. Should I?

“I am not singing to you.”

“Then don’t be in the band.” He said, I could tell he was serious but how serious? “If you can’t even sing in front of me then no-way can you sing in front of loads of people. Shame, you would have been really good as our lead singer.” Was he deliberately rubbing it in my face?

“Alright, alright I’ll sing but not for long and you better repay me for this.” I racked my brains thinking of what I could sing for him… I don’t actually know. “Can I make up a song I don’t have one in mind you see Mikes.” He nodded probably just happy that he was getting me to sing. I think I gulped at that moment. So if I’m meant to sing to thousands of people and my breath catches in my throat, or my hands become overly sweaty what am I meant to do? I wiped my sweaty hands on my jeans. Look at me, I'm nervous of singing in front of my own brother, let alone millions of people as Mikey says. How does he know that his band will attract that many people?

"I think I... Hmm I can't come up with something." Mikey laughed at me.

"You're hopeless Gerard, would it be better if I turned around or massaged your back?" He mocked me. "I don't know what to do with you." He was sat still on the desk in front of me.
Swinging his legs backwards and forwards, in a very annoying action if you ask me.

"Actually a back rub would be nice." I teased him. He looked at me googly eyed. Strange that, I couldn't help but laugh at his immaturity. What the hell was I saying? It's not like I have manners or do my homework like I should but that’s just some thing that gets in the way.

"That’s purvey stuff Gerard imagine the people who walk past, their faces, you'll be back to loser Ville again. Cause they'll think your being molested by another boy." Oh gross, my brother telling me that. No.

"Mikey! I'm not singing for you now, you put me off with your rude out burst of incest. It would have been a relaxing massage not fucking rape. You creepy little twerp." I answered back slightly slapping him on the shoulder.

"Oh, come on Gerard, sing for me." He made it sound like I had to and the way he was whining was irritable.

"Fine, I will sing but only if you stop using that annoying voice and promise me that you won't be disappointed if this band business doesn't work out." He pulled a face at me, so I raised my eyebrow at him.

"Don't use that face on me, Gerard, it make me laugh and the band will work out, stop being such a kill joy. I thought that’s what the new look was to symbolize, a new start... So let go... Sing a little and live a little while your at it." For a person who's three years younger than me, he's got the mind of some wise old teacher, with him sprouting stuff like that I’m surprised he's my brother, maybe he's my counsellor in disguise .... That's what they told me last time I was at this bloody school. You need to see the school counsellor to sort out your problems. I haven't got no problems. So bog off... Well that’s what I was always dying to say to them.

"Right I’ll make it up as I go then okay?" He nodded at me to continue ... It was off putting what do you expect me to say?

"Mikes can you turn around?"

"Gerard, unless you haven't noticed I’m sitting down and you're leaning against a desk. Just shove yourself around the other way." He was such a lovely brother. Not.

Fine so here it goes and I’m not getting out of it... Come on bell why won't you ring?

*Frank's Point Of View*

So when I asked reception at break where I was meant to go next lesson, the lady had a look, but she frowned at me.

"You weren't in first period today... Where were you?" She said seriously. I was in first period though, I know I was. The teacher nodded at me, oh but never ticked me off his list when he called his register. Fuck. The first day and already they think I’ve been truanting. I scratched the back of my head nervously.

"I was in a lesson whether it was mine, I have no clue, sorry." I said. God she looked like she was going to cut my head off sitting there smugly behind her black smart desk full of herself. Just like all the posh people I’ve met. Always thinking they're better than you and that's what makes you loathe them.

"Well, seeing as you're new and you promise not to do it again, then I shall let it go, now next period I do believe you have History. Have fun... Now run along and make friends." How preppy she was with her big happy smile plastered across her face. It was mind boggling. I wanted to punch her for being so preppy and happy, they're was nothing to be preppy about, the kids here aren't all nice you know.

"Thanks." I fake smiled to her turning on my heels and walking down some random corridor, anything to get away from the stupid people with no brain of which this so low earth is run by.

I walked down the slithering corridors stopping every few hallways to sneak around an obstacle. I didn't know where I was and right now I didn't care. I heard something down this dark corridor away from where all the other people seemed to be, that’s if they were inside which most weren't. I followed the noise and found someone singing, it was beautiful, but who was it? I went nearer to the door to find this voice's owner. I could hear the lyric's clearly now and I loved them, I relished in there original glory.

"I'm feeling lost,
I'm feeling Pain,
I know it's not some silly game, No No No.
You broke my heart it's all apart,
you did this crime when you left me,
Set me free.

You decide to turn your back away,
I should have known you wouldn't see,
Who I was.
I have to let you go today
I know for fact the clouds are grey,
That's my fault.

I’m feeling lost I’m feeling pain,
I know its not some silly game.
No, no, no.
You broke my heart,
It's all apart,
you did this crime when you left me.
Set me free."

The voice stopped there and I swear I stopped breathing, that was brilliant.

"Mikey, was that okay?" The voice said. And all I wanted to do was go in there and give that person a hug and tell them that they're voice was heavenly but the bell went and I had forgotten where my lesson was.