Snapped Guitar Strings and Broken Hearts

I wanted out of backstage, away from Jake. That’s what I got. And now I don’t know what I’m doing.
I shouldn’t be doing this.
But I am.
Right now, I’m holding a piece of broken glass to my wrist.
I’d never done something like this before. But I’ve heard it relieves emotional pain. Makes you feel good.
So I thought I’d try it.

I drug the glass across the pale skin of my wrist, creating a small, slightly deep slit. It bled.
And bled.
I couldn’t stop the bleeding.
It was too much blood. I was getting dizzy, and the pain had settled in my wrist and traveled up my arm.
Wasn’t this what I asked for?
Wasn’t this what I wanted when I did this?
I didn’t know.
My eyes were feeling heavy. I realized the tears that were coming from them, falling into my wound and stinging it.
I dropped the glass in the puddle of blood, crying out for anybody. My eyes closed.
I heard a shout from Aiden.
Then it all went black.

1 week and 2 days later

My eyes opened. Pain seared up my left arm, and white was everywhere. I let out a yelp and sat up.
I was in a hospital.
No.
Looking over, I saw an IV and stitches running up my left wrist.

I remembered.
The cutting.
I shouldn’t have done it. I’m so stupid…

I heard a squeal at the door and Aiden jumped over by my bed.
“ GWIN! Ohmigod, Gwin, they thought you weren’t going to make it! But you’re awake!”
I took in the information slowly.
The doctors thought I was going to die. But I’m not suicidal. That was supposed to be for relief.
“ Aidy, how long…?” I asked shakily, turning to meet her eye.
“ How long for what?” She was clearly confused.
“ How long was I sleeping? Out? And what happened to the tour? Did Jake even care? Has my dad been here? Where are we?” The questions poured out of my mouth and she put a finger to her lips. I stopped.
“ Okay, you’ve been out for about a week and a half. The tour, we’ve dropped out until you’re better. Your dad has been here. And we’re in a hospital in San Francisco.” I think she purposely skipped the Jake question.
So I decided to change the subject.
“ So, is my dad still here? And… is he going to…” I searched for the right words, my voice dropped to a murmur. “ Put me in counseling? Rehab? Asylum…?” I didn’t want to go to any of those places.
“ No, he was here for the first two days, but decided we could take care of you. And, we have good news. He said that he understood your problem, and that he’d give you a second chance. But you screw up again and he’s putting you in counseling.” Aiden smiled lightly at me.
“ So, about the Jake question…does he care? Did he care?”
Aiden looked away, a frown crossing her normally happy features. I sighed. I knew what was coming.
“ Jake…he was here when you came in… but he went back on tour with The Used. With Bert. He left a note telling us that he would meet up with us when we came back on tour…” She nodded slowly.
“ Okay. Thanks, Aidy. Anything else?”
“ Yeah. The doctors said you couldn’t play for another four days.” She teased me, poking my stomach.
“ Seriously. That long?” I huffed, upset. I don’t think I could last four days in this white hell.
“ Nah. Actually, its only two days.” She made herself comfortable at the foot of my bed, looking at me with a smirk. I knew she was trying to annoy me.
“ ONLY?!” I exaggerated, falling back into the pillows. One good thing about hospitals, they always fluff up your pillows.
Well, this wasn’t that bad, despite the pain in my wrist that never went away. And the pain in my heart, after Jake had tore a gash in my heart, leaving it unstitched, bleeding.
And the scars that he’d helped me to form. The scars that would remind me what he did and wouldn’t fade.

After around 30 minutes of getting caught up, Aiden went to get a nurse. She came in and told me that they would probably take out my stitches tomorrow and informed me it would take about an hour, considering I had 58.
Wow.
I’d left that big of a cut.
The nurse also told me that I’d lost a fair amount of blood and had to have a blood transfusion. I thanked her, and then Robby came in.
He was all smiles, and plopped down beside me, huge bag of unopened, sour Skittles in his hand.
“ GWIN!” He yelled, hugging me tightly. I welcomed the embrace. Robby was so friendly. So understanding over everything.
“ Hey, Rob. How’s the rest of the band holding up?” I asked, as we separated. He informed me that they were fine, just missing me. Especially Craig.
“ Yeah, Craig thinks that Aiden is too much to handle. She tried using sugar to get rid of her thoughts of you. It was really depressing in the bus. Even Rick misses ya.”
I nodded. Wow. That many people cared.
I never realized it.
Never thought I was worth much. Only to Jake, who really didn’t care.

Jake…
What a jerk. The jerk that I couldn’t fall out of love with. He could break my heart a million times and I would still come crawling back to him.
I was pathetic.
Not him. It was me.
I was the messed up one. He was just following his heart.
But wasn’t that what I was doing? Wasn’t I trying to follow my heart back to Jake? To get him back?

I rubbed my temple; unsure about all of the questions I was asking myself. Looking up, I saw a confused looking Robby, his head tilted to the right.
“ Zoned, much?” He poked my cheek.
“ So, your point is? I’m allowed to think…right?” I asked, king of looking away. Definitely not normal for me, and I think that Robby noticed. Normally, I would’ve laughed and probably poked him back.
“ Gwin, what were you thinking about?” Robby scooted away from me a bit. It was nice that he wasn’t demanding or anything, his voice soft, concerned.
“ Jake…” I mumbled closing my eyes and burrowing as much as I could underneath the thin sheet they’d put me under.
His weight lifted off of the bed, and he was gone.
No one was here. I was alone.
That meant I could cry.
And I did. I bawled my eyes out like a baby. It wasn’t exactly a pleasant sight, the eyeliner that Aiden had put on me while I slept seeping into the white sheets.
This, of course, sent a nurse in, asking me what was wrong like a mother would.
“ Nothing.” I hissed, turning away from her. She didn’t believe me. I wasn’t surprised, either.
Who would believe a teenager that had slit open their wrist and then is found crying, saying they’re fine?
Nobody.
“ Now, sweetheart, I doubt that it’s nothing.” She spoke calmly, stroking my hair. I wanted her hands off of me. I wanted her to go away.
“ It’s nothing that you need to be concerned about,” I hissed and then turned around growling at her. “ And don’t. Call. Me. That.”
She didn’t seem shocked and just put her hands on her petite hips, glaring at me.
“ Now, missy, you better shape up. If it caused that wound in your arm, it is definitely of my concern.”
“ You’re not my mother. Get the hell outta here!” I seethed, turning away from her again. Nurses. Yuck.
I heard footsteps leaving and just continued to cry. Like the baby I am. I can’t go 15 minutes since waking up without crying?
How pathetic.
I closed my eyes, and drifted to sleep. Nightmares of the day I found Jake replaying over and over again.
They just wouldn’t stop.
And I couldn’t wake up. Couldn’t make them stop.

Two days later

“ Gwin, get up. You’re leaving. We’re leaving. GET UP.” Robby was yelling in my ear and Aiden was poking my leg.
This made me laugh a bit.
I’d been put on anti-depressants. They’d definitely helped. Only a bit, but they worked.
They thought I was insane. Oh well.

“ Okay, okay, I’m up Rob.” I mumbled, groggily sitting up. “ So, we can go back to tour and play now?!”
“ Hell yeah we can, Gwin. Now get up. I haven’t hit a drum in weeks.” Caleb whined, pulling on my good arm.
“ Fine.” I mumbled, dangling my clothed legs over the side of the bed.
I’d complained that the dress things were way to corny and begged for my own clothes. So here I am, with jeans and a Saosin shirt on.
“ Let’s get outta here.” I said, slipping into my etnies with ease and then walking over to Craig, who supported me and gave me a one armed hug.
“ Glad to have ya back, Gwinny.” He said, ruffling my hair a bit. It hadn’t been brushed. Ew.
“ It’s great to be back. Now I wanna go play my guitar. C’mon.” I made my way out of the door, flexing my bad wrist.
The doctors said I should wait another day. Why did I care? I had the bandage, and would play with the damn thing, but that was it.
It stung only a slight bit and I would take that.
I just wanted to play. I needed to play. It wasn’t possible for me to go this long without strumming.
Seemed impossible, but I’d made it. The nurses had really gotten tired of me after two days.

Robby got to sign me out. The weirdo flipped off the nurse when we left and Craig was holding onto me. He thought I would fall.
I didn’t know why. Maybe it was the blood loss? Maybe.
But Robby was on his other side, and they were close, like Aiden and Caleb.
Those two hadn’t done much of anything. Kisses every so often, and they slept in the same bunk. But that was it.
More of love than lust.
How I wished for that.
It wasn’t fair.
Wait, what was I saying? I was jealous because my friends were in love. I shouldn’t be like this. I should be happy for them.
Gwin, what are you?
I’m not myself. I…I don’t know.
I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE!
WHY!?
WHY AM I LIKE THIS!?

More questions rushed through my head, and I almost collapsed. Craig held onto me, dragging me along. I was glad he’d held onto me. He was so kind.
Robby took my other side, and they helped me make my way into the tour bus, which had been parked on the outer side of the parking lot.
Wow, we took up a lot of space.
I took up space.
Space that another person could have in the world.
I was so pointless. I was useless to everybody around me.
“ Hello…. Gwin?” Robby was snapping his finger in my face. I was sitting on the couch, zoned again, tears brimming my eyes.
They fell over the edge and I hastily wiped away the salty liquid that made them think of Jake.
“ Gwin, were you thinking about Jake again?” He whispered, kneeling beside me now.
I shook my head and got up, wandering to the back of the bus, where I found my guitar propped up.
Taking it from its place, I started to strum chords and then began singing ‘Note to Self’.
It was the first song in my head.
I knew I sang horribly, but what is a song without lyrics? Music. Sure, it was awesome.
But this was From First To Last, so it had to have lyrics.
“ Two roads split off from here…” I whimpered, the tears forming again. I couldn’t help it. But this song sounded so much like my life.
“ And my life goes running in opposite directions.
Exaggerating the barrier of who I am
And who I want to be.
I wanted to be that breath of fresh air.
When everything smelled so insincere.
But this taste still lingers in my mouth
Deceit has ways of sticking around.
And I’m ready to disappear
Vacation seems far, seems far from here.” I paused, still trying to play without breaking down.
I’d noticed Aiden’s figure in the doorway. But now I didn’t care. I needed to get this out. I had to.
“ Note to self: I miss you terribly,
This is what we call a tragedy.
Come back to me…Come back to me… to me…” I broke off, choking on the words. They were too much.
I couldn’t handle it.
I couldn’t handle anything.
So useless.
“ Which part of me is lost?
I feel so close…and yet I’m so… far…” The words were strangled, coughed out.

“ Gwin… I think you need to sleep…” Aiden murmured, pulling the guitar strap off of my shoulder and me off of my position on the floor.
“ I don’t need to sleep. I need…Jake.” I mumbled, and jerked when the bus started. The tears reformed as soon as they’d stopped. Dammit.
“ Honey, don’t think about him. Forget about Ja—“ I’d cut her off, just letting the tears flow. There was no stopping them by now.
“ I can’t forget about Jake! How could I forget about him?!” I yelled, trying to figure out where I could go. I couldn’t get off or go back to the guys. Trapped.
Trapped in my own tour bus.
Weird, eh?
So, I climbed into my bunk, roughly shoving the curtains to block me. I hated life. And life hated me.
Well, I think it does. It just seems so. How fate has turned out for me suggests it.
I heard footsteps and then a stop by my bunk. Damn those people.
“ Okay, I’ll take a wild guess and say its Aiden. Whoever it is, go away.” I growled, turning my back to the person and curling into a tight ball.
I couldn’t handle life now.
So I fell asleep. Got away from it all.

“ JAKE GET OUT OF HERE!” I heard a scream. It sounded like Craig and then I heard Jake’s voice. It triggered tears to my eyes.
“ I just want to see her. See if she’s okay.”
“ OKAY?! SEE IF SHE’S OKAY?! SHE SLIT HER WRIST BECAUSE OF YOU, JAKE! GET! OUT!” He screamed and I felt the tears stream faster. I heard footsteps and then quicker ones. “ I SAID GET OUT OF HERE, DAMMIT!” Craig was screaming again. It was closer to me this time. They were moving towards me.
I heard a body hit the wall of the bus and then the sickening sound of skin on skin.
Who was hurt?
This was my fault…. All my fault….