Snapped Guitar Strings and Broken Hearts

Why Does He Love Me?

When I woke up it was dark. We had the day off today. I heard no snores or deep breathing, but got up and hopped down.
The bus was empty and the moon told me it was nighttime. I didn’t know whether it was the same night or the next, but guessing by the amount of sleep I thought I got, it was the next.
Lazily, I walked back and changed into something much cleaner. A new band tee, some new jeans and applied my own make up messily. I brushed out my dyed hair and then walked out of the bus.
Oh, goddamn, I was supposed to meet Jeph after his set tonight. Gosh, I bet they’ve already had it.
My walk turned into a sprint to where there was a crowd of the eight bands that played. Some groupies too, probably. I walked into the thick of it, straight into to Ricky, who had his arm around a girl that I supposed was Rai. I couldn’t tell in this light.
“ Rick, have you seen Jeph?” I pleaded, my lips quivering.
“ That was a nice greeting, Gwin. Gosh. Evening. Well, morning, but whatever.” He giggled. Drunk.
“ What? What time is it?” I asked, my eyebrows rose. He looked down at his watch mumbling the answer. “ Can’t hear you, speak up.”
“ 2 AM, Gwinny. You went to bed earlier, like 6 two days ago…” He hiccupped.
“ Oh, so I did sleep that long... Wait. Where’s Jepha?” I totally got off topic. Goddamn.
He hiccupped again, taking a swig of the beer in his hand. Rai rolled her eyes and grabbed the bottle, throwing it aside. She laughed at him when he pouted.
“ Raaaai. I wanted that… But Jeph is over there.” He pointed out of the crowd, where I saw a figure slumped on the ground, sitting.
I cautiously took steps toward him. I didn’t know if I should confront him or not with what I did.
Shouldn’t have gone off on him last night. Really, I shouldn’t have. I had no reason to do that.
“ Jeph, I’m sorry about…um… two nights ago?” I struggled to remember what day it had been as I lowered myself onto the ground beside him.
Slowly, he lifted his gaze to my eyes. He was obviously drunk, just depressed more than anything. His eyes were bloodshot, like he hadn’t slept in days. Maybe he hadn’t. What had he wanted to tell me?
“ Its alright…” His voice was hurt and I put an arm around his shoulders, trying to comfort him.
“ What…what did you want to tell me?” I asked slowly. I wasn’t too sure if it was something good or bad. It might be about Jake…
But it might be something good. I don’t know what could fall into that category at my depressive stage, but it could be.
His lips quivered. He opened them, and then closed his mouth again. I didn’t know what could be so hard to say. What could it be?
“ Meh… I…. I think….” Jeph stuttered, scratching his head again. He was just at a loss of words, it seemed. Poor guy.
“ Jepha, I won’t care what it is. Just settle down.” I attempted to reassure him, rubbing his back.
“ But it’s too hard to say…” He murmured back, never making eye contact. His head lifted up, looking to the stars, the moon.
I still couldn’t tell what he was going to say. What could be so complicated?
“ I think…. I have feelings for you, Gwin…” He mumbled. I almost didn’t catch it.
I almost didn’t hear it.
I didn’t know what to feel.
Was I supposed to like him back? Was I supposed to forget my feelings for Jake?
Wait. I could hurt Jake. I could crush him like he did to me.
He could know what its like.
But did I love Jeph? Of course I’ve always though he was attractive, and had some feelings for him.
But this…. I just don’t know.

When I drifted away from my thoughts, Jepha was staring at me intently, a sad look across his features. I hadn’t said anything yet.
And I was frowning.
Oh shit.
“ Oh. Okay.” He murmured, standing up. I quickly popped up after him, shaking my head.
“ Jeph, I was just thinking.” I said hurriedly, trying to reassure that I didn’t hate him. “ But… I need time to…think…”
He nodded. And then he walked away, that downcast expression still clouding his face.
What did I do?
What /do/ I do?

3 days later

I had been wondering non-stop on what Jeph had said. We played our normal shows, and hung out with the bands.
But I hadn’t seen The Used yet.
I just wasn’t ready.

But now I was. Our latest show had ended, and I was going to work up the courage to see Jeph. Or at least try.
I didn’t have to worry about Bert. That’s why Jake was upset. Got what he deserved, though. Bert never loved him.
Only, I do feel partially sorry for him. Don’t ask why.
Maybe its because I know what its like. Maybe.
Apparently Jake made a big mistake. Because I’m not going to go crawling back to him now.
Not ever.
I’m going with Jeph.
Maybe I can trust him. He might be able to show me what I could’ve had with Jake, but never got.
And hopefully Jepha is completely straight.
But he might not be. I don’t really know. Maybe he’s bi but he’s really loyal and devoted and shit…

Okay, out of my thoughts. I walked up to The Used’s bus, and knocked on the door. I was greeted by Quinn, who knocked me to the ground with a hug.
“ Gwin! I haven’t seen you in days!” He squealed, pulling himself off of me and sitting on the ground. I stood, and he just kind of sat there.
Awkward, much?
“ I missed you too, Quinn. Now…where’s Jepha?”
“ Oh, he’s inside. Hasn’t been out for anything except for shows. Branden and I are worried…” His once hyper voice faded out a bit, and Quinn cast his gaze downward, thinking.
“ Oh. Okay. Can I see him?” I was hesitant. Maybe they knew what was wrong and wouldn’t let me inside…
“ Yeah, why not? He might cheer up a bit even…” Quinn nodded, standing up now. He opened the door for us and I thanked him. We walked in to find Jepha, sitting on the ragged couch with clutter scattered across it. He was staring at the wall, not even giving either of us a glance.
Wow. I must have done something wrong. He probably thought I hated him. Oh god, what am I supposed to do?
“ Hey…Jeph…” I murmured quietly, trying not to say something too sudden or anything that might make the situation worse.
“ Hi,” he whispered back, slowly turning his head to see me. “ Thought about it?”
I nodded, going walking over to sit by him. He flinched only slightly when I sat by him and then I hugged him.
“ Of course I have feelings for you, Jeph.”
I said it.
I said that and now I can’t take it back. I don’t want to take it back. But I just don’t understand.
Why does he love me? It just doesn’t make sense.
I’m not the greatest person in the world. And…I’m too dramatic. Drama follows me.
Like a cloud that floats above my head everywhere I walk. Why me?
Its not like I don’t want him to like me… but I just don’t get it. It doesn’t click.
I think I’ve made my point.

Jepha responded to the hug. He pulled me into his lap. He stroked my hair. Quinn didn’t leave, but smiled.
I think he understood. I think he knew.
But Jeph held me away from him, by the shoulders.
We were locked in a stare. Not the kind that made you feel like you were going to die. Not a death glare. It was nice. The look in his eyes almost made me melt.
It was love.
And I hope that it’s not fake this time.
I hope its not going to end in a terrible tragedy. Something worse than last time. Something of the same level as last time.
I hope it doesn’t end at all.