Snapped Guitar Strings and Broken Hearts

“ GWIN IS GOING OUT WITH WHO!?!?!”

Jake decided to rudely interrupt a conversation between Rai and I. It was almost a week after I had talked to Jepha. I was so much happier. He just boosted your mood. I don’t know how I’d ever thank him for this. I liked him a lot. I just didn’t want to say it was love yet. I couldn’t tell. I wasn’t going to make a mistake like I did with Jake.
Rai and Ricky had grown closer. She was officially a groupie with Aiden. And the two of them got along REALLY well.
In that I mean that both of them have similar interests. Sugar, caffeine and Skittles.
How surprising.

But the two of us just stared at Jake. His face was to boiling point, red. Rai had been teasing me about Jeph. It was funny.
Being Jake, he comes in at the wrong moments.
“ Jephaaa.” I replied, grinning. I felt so powerful with this over him. To be able to hurt him like he hurt me. To see that frown, his face go pale. His eyes glazing over with tears that threatened to fall.
It was what I wanted.
Wow. That was pretty evil of me. But he deserved it. Bastard.
“ Jepha? As in…Jepha Howard? From The Used…?” His words were broken, stuttered. This was perfect. He was crumbling. Falling apart slowly.
“ Yes. And he seems to be loyal. Unlike some people.” I gave him a quick glare and spun around, walking to where Bert was, talking to Branden.
“ Your former lover is having a major break-down,” I informed him matter-of-factly, a grin still plastered on my face. It seemed so wrong to smile at it. But it felt so right. “ I’d advise you not let him get drugs, alcohol or any sharp objects. Thanks.”
And I turned away again. That evil smirk widening at the second. His pain got worse and more of my teeth showed. How cruel was I?
I was lower than him….
Who am I?
Why am I doing this to him? I loved Jake. I loved him and he hurt me. I don’t love him anymore. No, I can’t. I love Jeph.
Don’t I?
Yes. I love Jepha. Not Jake. Jake can go to Hell for all I care now. He’s a bitch. A lowlife bitch.
No. That’s me…
I continued to walk, this time towards the bus. I don’t know what was wrong with me.
My smirk was wiped away, my course changed. The walking turned into running and I was biting my lip while heading towards another bus.
Inside I found Jepha, and I sat down by him. He was staring at a video game, concentrating on trying to win a race. Mario Kart.
I used to love that game. I used to love a lot of things. I don’t know what happened to that Gwin.
I want her back.
“ Hey Jeph.” I whispered, leaning my head on his shoulder. It was a statement, not trying to start anything.
He nodded in response, concentrating until an upset Quinn came in.
“ What the Hell, Gwin?” He asked, and Jepha tried to concentrate on the game. I could tell, the way his face was contorted. He was listening.
“ Um…” I mumbled, looking at the carpet. My eyes followed a small ant as it made its way towards an almost empty bottle of lemonade.
I squished it. That was my job, it seemed.
I was a life wrecker. That’s just great, now isn’t it?
“ He hurt you and all, but what the HELL?” The pissed guitarist repeated. I knew he was sticking up for Bert and Jake. The two were probably outside still. Bert consoling Jake, probably hugging him.
Like I used to.
He replaced me. I was gone. I had hurt Jake.
He hated me now. I hated him.

3 months later

I pulled myself under the water again, trying to drown myself for about the 50th time today. My elbows pushed against the side of the bathtub, trying to keep my body under. A few bubbles made their way from my nose, fluttering up my cheeks like butterflies. They were light and feathery, so free.
I opened my eyes, looking at the water. It was growing cold, and I was shivering. The bubbles continued to fly from my nose, becoming smaller. More came, floating up at a faster pace.
My head resurfaced, breaking the stillness of the water. I would never be able to do this.
I stepped out, giving up. My clothes were sopping wet. I didn’t bother to take them off.
The plain black shirt stuck to my stomach. The jeans were still baggy, and my feet were bare, pruned and pale.
Great. Now Dad will wonder what pool I jumped in.

He knew. He knows everything.
I started to drink when I got home from tour. The band kicked me out; they said they could make due with only one guitarist.
They said that I was just bringing them down.
But how could you blame them? I am a life wrecker. Remember?
School was going to start in a few days. My dad was going to put me in counseling.
Joy.

Jepha completely forgot about me.
I reserved myself to my room at all times, constantly trying to learn how to play songs. Dad got so pissed that eventually he put my amp in the garage.
Now I can only play acoustic.
Oh boy. (Note the extreme sarcasm.)
I slept for hours on end. Most of the time during the day. I’d be awake at night.

I was blocked by almost everybody in the band I used to be a part of. Shame, really. I miss talking to them. All of the small jokes that only we knew what they meant. Hours of eating Skittles.
That was great, having friends.
But now I was alone.
I was going to deal with three years of high school on my own.

But this is Life. It’s all a game. Just one big game where us rats run in circles, over and over again. Right now I’m losing.
But hopefully I’ll be able to gain control.
That’s all I need.