Snapped Guitar Strings and Broken Hearts

Insanity and Resolutions

2 days later

School started.
I went to my bus stop, as usual. Nobody greeted me. I stood. Robby didn’t even glance my way.
He could’ve at least said hello…

I had to run and get my schedule. First period, Chemistry… Fun. I stepped into the class, timetable in hand.
Surveying the classroom, I didn’t notice many people. The bell hadn’t rung yet anyways.
Oh well.
I took a seat, near the front of the room. If I couldn’t have friends to focus on, might as well try and get good grades…
The bell rang.
In came the faces. Some familiar from last year, others I didn’t recognize and just a blur.
Nobody I knew well.
Like it mattered anymore. I didn’t have a life. I was here for no purpose. Nobody loved me. I attempted to kill myself.
I got kicked out of the band I was in for getting drunk every night because I thought I wasn’t loved.
Who was I kidding? They cared.
But they’d had enough. How could you blame them? I did too much to provoke them.
They were done with me. Everyone was.
I looked up at the teacher, who was starting to teach something on the compounds of nitrogen. Soon enough, doodles were on my desk and I was completely lost. I looked at the clock to check and see that there were only ten minutes left in the pointless class they call Chemistry.
I tried to get what she was saying, but gave up and let my head hit the desk. She didn’t notice.

The bell rang, and I heaved my bag onto my shoulder, looking at the schedule in my hand again. I felt like I was the new kid in school. I didn’t know anybody. I had no friends.
In a world where I knew vampires existed, I had no idea what was real anymore. Maybe this was all a dream.
Like Alice in Wonderland. Yeah. Just a dream. I never met Jake, Craig or Caleb. I never crushed on Brent.

I looked up into the classroom where there was only one other person sitting at the moment.

“Shit.” I mumbled, running a hand through my hair. Brent glanced up at the noise and looked at me.
“Gwin.” He nodded, beckoning me over with a hand. I didn’t want to sit by him. I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to be outside. Or back in my house. Not here. Not here in this classroom full of books, desks and stupid people just like me.
But I walked over to him anyways, taking the seat cautiously and hesitantly. I really didn’t want to be here. With a vampire. Great.
“ How have you been holding up?” Great. Now I had to talk to him. Damn Brent. Damn him to Hell.
“ Fine.” I whispered hoarsely, feeling my voice slightly crack. Its not like I had many people to talk to, really. It was all a game. I was running in a circle over and over again.
“ Somehow I doubt that.” He reasoned, lifting an eyebrow. I snorted and shook my head. Stupid, curious, vampire, sonofabitch.
“ Its not any of your business.” I countered, turning away from him and putting my head on the desk in front of me.
I don’t even get why he even bothered asking me these questions. Seems like everyone these days wanted to stay away from me. What make’s Brent think differently?
He’s a vampire.
Yeah. Maybe that’s it. Is he thinking about my blood? Oh, shit. Is he?
My mind was in overdrive and I tried to calm it down, bring myself back to reality. I gotta pay attention, bring up my grades. My hand was twitching, pencil tapping on the desk. It earned me a glare from my teacher.
Pay. Attention.
Okay…better. My eyes resettled onto the whiteboard. The eardrums that had previously seemed useless turned on. The lesson was flowing into my ears and I started to take notes.
Much better. Just don’t think about him. He’ll go away.
“…and so the rest of Europe had four options that they could take to get better trade. Take over Italy, create a new trade route or…”

Maybe it’ll be better this was. Get my grades up, act okay. Maybe everything will be okay. Dad’ll take me out of counseling. I’ll be okay. Everything will be fine. Right?
I can just be invisible. People can walk right through me. Invisible. Transparent.
And it’ll all be okay. It’ll be just perfect. Invisible but perfect. Just nothing. Silence, nothingness, but everything. Everything but nothing. Invisibility. They can see me but they don’t. I’m invisible. I am nothing. But yet again, I choose to be nothing. Nothing yet everything.

Wait. Wait, stop, don’t go any farther! Stop thinking!
You sound like you’re crazy. Wait. I’m talking to myself. Oh, shit. Am I crazy?! No…no I’m not. I’m just going through a rough time and my mom’s dead, its hard being a teenager without your mom, God…I miss mom…. I’m crazy, no, no I’m not, NOT crazy! Mom wouldn’t want me to be crazy, she wouldn’t want this. I have to be sane. I’m not insane it’s just—
Bell. Saved by the bell? No. My mind is still crazy and I missed almost the whole lesson. There goes my hopes for good grades. Gone down the drain just like my hope for—
There is a hand on my shoulder. There is a hand on my shoulder and I’m almost out the door. Almost. I hope it’s not my teacher. Please let it not be her—
“ What was up with you back there? You were hyperventilating and everything…”
Brent. Its only Brent.
Only?! Who am I kidding? Oh shit. Fuck damn shit. Today sucks.
“ I asked you a question. You going to answer?” His voice again. I remember when I used to like his voice. Psh.
I’m still standing here. He’s not letting me leave. Not now.
“ I’m fine.” I answered, turning away and heading off for my next class quickly. I didn’t even remember the lesson.
Shit. Just shit. I can’t. I can’t do this and I can’t keep my grades up and I can’t play guitar, can’t write lyrics. I can’t do this, can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t. My life is coming off the tracks and I want to be gone, don’t want to be here. Can’t be here. Nothing but everything. Invisible. Invisible yet its obviously there. I’m here. But I’m invisible. Can’t, can’t, can’t. Won’t. I won’t live. I won’t anymore. I don’t want to. Can’t. Just. Can’t. I can’t do this anymore, can’t survive. Don’t want to survive. Not anymore. No. Can’t. I. Can’t. I just can’t anymore. No, no, no, please , no. The rock is coming down on me and I’m going to die and everyone is going to be happy and it’ll all be okay, everything is alright, going to die, die, die, die, death, everything is death and my life is gone and I don’t want I DON’T WANT it, I don’t want my life! Take it! Have it! I DON’T WANT IT! God, I don’t! Not anymore! I don’t and I can’t. I can’t do it and I refuse to live. I won’t. I can’t, won’t, refuse, can’t, can’t, CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE—
In a whoosh of breath, I’m back. Back to reality and by now its lunch. Its lunch and I don’t know how I got here. I don’t know. The after thoughts were swirling in my brain still, confusing me. Where is that coming from?
I’m not crazy.
It was just a blackout. I’ll be fine. Nothing serious. Just a blackout.
My feet are moving but themselves and I realize I’ve got a Coke in my hand and I’m headed outside. On the bench and I’m having lunch. Coke. But its all fine. Everything is fine. I’m fine. Just a blackout. Just. A. Blackout.
I’ll be fine, I’ll be absolutely fine.
I took my can and threw it away before heading back into my fifth period class—
No, I can’t, can’t, can’t. I can’t hold on and I can’t do anything anymore. Perfect but nothing. Nothingness but everything. I CAN’T! They don’t like me, I’m horrible, horrible, horrible and I just can’t! I won’t and I just can’t! I can’t! I won’t! won’t live. I can’t live. I DON’T WANT TO! Right now I can’t! I can’t live because I can’t do anything right and I don’t want to live. Can’t, can’t, can’t! I don’t, can’t, won’t. No! Make it stop, make it all go away. I don’t want to be crazy. No, no, no, no. I’m invisible but everything. Nothing but—
What is wrong with me?!
I checked my surroundings. I’m on the bus, seated next to somebody. I turned to look at the person beside me.
And he had bite marks all over his neck. Apparently he was still with Craig. That’s good to hear.
But I had another blackout. I missed all of my classes. Dammit.
I looked through my book bag and saw that I’d written notes, homework and such down. Good. That’s good. Something went right today.
I was mentally battling with my brain, trying to decide whether to talk to Robby or not. I want to, but…. Aw, fuck it. Here goes nothing.
“ Hey, Rob.” I said quietly. He turned and his eyes lit up, even though he’d not even gave me a glance this morning at the bus stop. He tried to make his tone sound hated, but I don’t think it work.
“ Gwin.” His eyes said he wanted to see me. I could see it. Or I was hallucinating and going more insane. Lets hope it’s the first.
“ How’s the band?” The question was polite. Not violent or venomous, as they might expect after being kicked out.
“ Pretty good. We’re working on putting songs together, but… It doesn’t seem to work without two guitarists.”
Wait, what? Okay, so Robby apparently missed me. That was understandable, thought. We’d been friends for years before this whole thing.
But they wanted me gone. I had drowned in the sorrow left by that for a while, but tried to clean up my act. No more drinking, no more cutting. But I can’t… I want that back. I want my life back. My old life with all of my friends. I want to get better and go back to them.
“ Good to hear that the band is still together and functioning. Obviously you and Craig are still together. How about Aiden and Caleb?”
He nodded his head and opened his mouth to speak but closed it again. Think about re-wording his sentence maybe?
“ Jake misses you.” He mumbled
Yeah. That hit hard. I doubted it. He probably doesn’t. I don’t think any of them miss me besides, maybe, Robby. I was horrible. I tried to hurt Jake because he’d hurt me. I was so stupid. And I tried to hate him. Tried to kill myself. Got drunk. I didn’t deserve this much.
I didn’t realize I was crying before Rob took a finger and wiped away a few of my tears. I don’t even know what I was crying about. Jake, maybe? No. I couldn’t be.
“ You alright?” He asked after I’d stopped the tears and sniffled.
“ No, Robby…I’ve been having blackouts and they scare me. I want help.”
That felt good. Talking. Talking about it. Getting it off my chest. Hell knows that Robby would understand much more than Dad.
I felt his arms around me in a much needed hug. God, I’d missed this. Having a friend.
What am I saying? He might not even want to be my friend. Probably not.
“ Robby, should I tell me counselor?”
“ Yea. You should. But just to let you know, we miss you. All of us. Even Caleb.”
I remembered Taste of Chaos. The good times. Back when we played small gigs and collapsed in sweaty piles on Robby’s couch.
Those were the times I want back.
I want to take back control. Get better. I want life back. I want this demon in me out. Out and away and gone. Completely. Gone. Dead.
I want it gone.
“ Robby, I want to be better.”
“ Then come to my house when you get a chance tonight. I’ll call everyone for a get together.”
“ Don’t tell them I’m coming.” I said.
“ I won’t.”
This felt good. Felt better. Almost normal, even. I actually smiled and hugged Robby a bit tighter before letting go. I wanted to be normal again. I don’t want sorrow. Don’t want to be crazy.
I want laughter and happiness and love and…
I want my Jake back. I want him back and to lay with him and have pointless conversations and to hold hands and just be in love.
I want my gay friends and vampire friends back. I want to be with them and make more memories of stupid moments and funny shit.
I want all of that.
And I’m going to work for it so hard its not even funny. And I’m going to succeed, too.