Always Searching

"Bella I agree with Kevin."

I looked up and saw Mr. Jonas standing in the doorway. I shook my head and looked down at my hands again. "I don't have the time" I mumbled.

I felt Joe tense up next to me, before he stood up. I looked up at him. His face was full of hurt and anger at the same time. I think he was sick of me saying things like that.

But you cant fight the truth.

"I'm not going to be around-" I began but was cut off.

"Forever. We get it, Bella." Joe snapped at me. "You need to stop living like your fucking-"

"Joseph!" Mr. Jonas yelled at him.

Joe looked at him and his brothers before looking back at me. He sighed and grabbed my wrist and pulled me with him up the stairs and up more stairs to I guess what was his room.

He slammed the door and locked and turned back to me. "You need to stop living like your fucking dying!" he yelled at me.

I blinked back at him for a couple of seconds before I snapped back and narrowed my eyes at him. "New flash Joe! I am fucking dying!"

"Bella, no your not!" He yelled and grabbed my shoulders. "Do understand me! Your not allowed to die. Your going to get better, your going to live, your going to be with me forever!" he said seriously.

I stared at his eyes. They looked glossy and wet, almost on the verge of tears. His voice was confident but held a little bit of fear in them, The pressure his hands were applying to my shoulders, were at a death grip, like he was afraid I'd be gone if he let go.

And I didn't want him to let go.

"Joe." I said and cupped his face with my hands. He pulled me closer to him moving his arms to my hips instead. "I want forever." I said and kissed his cheek. "With you."

"Then why are you fighting this Bella. I made my mistake letting you go but now I'm here and your pushing me away. Your everything I want and more."

"I'm not pushing you away Joe." I told him.

He pulled me closer to him so he could rest his face in my hair right above my ear. I leaned in closer to him tighten my grip around his neck.

"Then why do you keep saying goodbye." he whispered and kissed my head.

"Because, I just don't want it to start and then have to end." I whispered softer than he did.

"Then don't. I want you to forget saying goodbye and live with me now, in the present."

I cried in his hold and he pulled away slightly to look at my face. He pulled me into his chest and I sobbed tugging on his shirt. "The hardest part of this is leaving you" I croaked out.

"Your not dying Bella, I'm not letting you. You'll get better." Joe assured me.

"How can you be so positive?" I asked him as my sobs became weaker.

He smiled and kissed my lips sweetly. He pulled away, I was dazed wanting him not to pull away so quickly.

"Because I have faith."

I nodded and smiled through my tears. "Then I should to."

He laughed and kissed me again. "Lets go back down, I want to hear another song."

I nodded as he pulled me back downstairs. Nick and Kevin were playing with their guitars and Joe sat on a chair and pulled me on him.

"Joe, I don't think you can sing with Bella on you." Nick told him.

He laughed and pulled me closer to him. "I think she's fine." he said and kissed my neck.

I rolled my eyes and sat next to Kevin in a different chair. Joe pouted and I just smiled and kissed his cheek.

"Right so back to the music." Kevin babbled. I picked up my notebook only to have Joe take it out of my hands. I pouted as he smiled and flipped through it.

He stopped and frowned at the page. He looked at me and I weakly smiled at him. Judging by his frown I know which page he was reading. He handed me the note book and I looked down at it.

The page had Just wanting it all to end writing on the bottom. I tend to write a little side caption on each page.

Silly me.

I smiled sheepishly at him and he matched mine but I still saw the pain in his eyes. "Sing it for us?" he asked.

I looked back at the sheet and read through it. It was the complete opposite of how Nick finished A Little Bit Longer. He made it somewhat happier seeing that the only part I had was;

But you don't know what you got until it's gone
And you don't know what it's like to feel so low
And every time you smile you laugh, you glow

"Are you sure you want to hear this one?" I asked hesitantly, hoping he doesn't make me. He nodded.Asshole. I sighed and looked at the other two. "Can I borrow a guitar?"

Nick nodded and handed me his acoustic guitar. I knew Kevin wouldn't, there like his kids or something. I smiled and began to strum the chords but stopped and looked at Joe.

"Are you positive, you want to hear this one?"

He sighed and nodded.

"Are you-"

"I'm fucking sure." he snapped. I shivered and he held guilty in his eyes. "I'm sorry." he said and looked down.

I nodded and began to play the song again.

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Everyday there's nothing new
And now I just try to find some hope
To try and hold onto
But it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken

I looked at Joe and basically choked out the next line but still sang it.

And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken

I finished up the song with tears in my eyes and holes in my heart.