The Road to Acceptance

Billie stared at the thin sheet of partition glass. "How strong is this shit dude?" he asked his guard.

"It's very durable Armstrong."

"It doesn't look very strong. Will a person be able to smash through it?"

"No Armstrong. Only the most strongest of glass cutters can break through this bitch. Why you asking anyway? You shitting your pants at this visit?"

"Fuck yes. I haven't seen anyone since everything happened."

"It was nearly a year ago---don't you think they'd have mellowed by now?"

Billie quietened. "Its not that simple."

The guard raised an eyebrow but said nothing. He knew from stories from the other guards that Armstrong never talked about his crime. "You've got nothing to worry about kid," he broke the silence. "You're safe on this side."

"Thanks," he mumbled half heartedly. Billie had lost interest in whatever conversation he and the guard were trying have. The memory swamped his head. He remembered how cold the metal of the gun had felt in his hand. He remembered how his heart had pounded in sheer anger as he drove haphazardly round to Mike and Adrienne's. He could still picture the look of absolute fear on their faces as he crashed into the kitchen.

He could still feel the warm blood soaking into his jeans.

"Armstrong."

The touch of the guards strong hand on his shoulder jolted him back to reality.

"Your visitor is here. Are you ready?"

In the midst of reminiscing, Billie's eyes had glazed over; the guard had noticed and decided it was time to bring him back. He had heard footsteps coming down the corridor anyway, which could only mean one thing.

It was time for him to face his demons.

"I'm ready," Billie coughed to steady his voice. It was a shame he couldn't do the same thing to steady his nerves.

He saw his visitor going through the final security checks with the guards. "Here we go," he mumbled to himself as the heavy metal door swung open.

"You have one hour."

The door was shut again with a heavy bang. This was it. Just the two of them in a room alone together for the first time in nearly a year. Billie took another look at the partition glass as they both took to their chairs---he hoped it was as strong as the guard had said.

Once seated, they both realised that they had no where else to look except for each other. Billie took a deep breath as he gazed into the face of the person whom he had hurt so badly. He choked up when he saw the sullen cheeks and tear tracks.

"Oh god," the words just seemed to fall from his mouth. "I am so, so sorry." He smothered his face with his hands then moved them so he tugged at his hair. "So, so sorry."

A dry sob caused Billie to focus his attention on the other side of the glass.

"I know no amount of apologising is going to make up for what happened. But I just want you to know that I really am sorry---I hate myself---"

"Stop saying you're sorry. None of that matters now. And I didn't come here today to watch you wallow in self pity. I came to ask you something."

Billie quickly dried his eyes. "What's that?"

"We're holding a memorial on October 6th. Can you get day release?"

"Yeah. Why?"

As soon as Billie had asked he remembered why October 6th was significant.

"Ignore that," he quickly replied. "I know the date. But---what's happening?"

"We're holding a memorial---and I personally want you to be there."

"But---why?"

"You have just as much right as anyone else to be there. And I just thought that you'd like to come seeing as you missed the funeral."

"I do. I really do."

"And I know someone else that would want you there as well."

A numb silence descended as they stared at each other through the glass.

"Do you mean that?" Billie whispered, afraid to actually speak because he knew he would cry again.

"Yes. We were all friends at the end of the day."

Billie noticed that silent tears had began to fall down both of their cheeks.

"You cared just as much as I did---it's only fair."

"Thank you---thank you so much." He found it a struggle to stop himself from sobbing.

There was a silence again as the two of them contemplated the conversation, soaking up each others' words.

"I---I have to go. I know we have an hour but this is all I can handle right now."

"I understand."

"I'll write and tell you details about the memorial."

"Thanks."

They shared one final stare before ringing the buzzer to alert the guard that the session was over.

"It means a lot that you came here today. I've missed you. I know that might be inappropriate---but I miss you."

"Its ok---truth be known that I miss you too."

The heavy metal door swung open and a guard escort appeared. He saw that the pair of them were in tears and his faced morphed into a look of confusion. "You two boys ok?"

Billie nodded. "We're fine---thanks for coming Mike. It means so much to me."

"Me too Bill. And I know Adrienne would be very happy to know that we've seen each other."

"So I guess I'll see you at her memorial?"

"Yeah---you will."

Not another word was said as the guard took Mike's elbow and lead him out of the room, pulling the door shut behind them.

In the whole eight months that Billie had been in prison, he had never slept so soundly so and so at peace as he did that night.