The Road to Acceptance

The audible gasp that resounded from all the participants of the memorial was answer enough that he shouldn't have asked to say something. He could practically feel the venom of everyone's stare seeping through his skin and it made him feel paralysed. It wasn't until he felt a familiar hand on his shoulder that he somehow managed to regain fluidity and stepped forward to begin.

"Thanks Mike," he said, acknowledging the support. The tension in the air was thick, expectations were high and Billie knew he couldn't afford to say the wrong thing and make everyone even more hostile towards him. His whole body shook as he stared out at the gathering of Adrienne's family and friends. He laid his hand on top of her head stone, the marble was cold against his skin and was just too frank a reminder of what he had done. He quickly removed his hand and shoved it in his pocket. Someone clearing their throat brought him back to earth.

"Well---I know that some of you---in fact, make that most of you, didn't expect to see me here today. And if I'm truthfully honest I never expected to be here today either---none of us should have to be here around Adrienne's grave remembering her on her birthday. She should be here with us---celebrating turning eighteen."

He had to cough back the lump that had gradually began to form in his throat as he had been talking.

"I know what you're all thinking," he continued. "You're thinking that I have no right to be stood here bitching that Adie should be alive, because, as you all know, it's my fault that she's not---

"Billie---" Mike cut in, "don't do this---today is already difficult enough. There's no need to torture yourself."

"I'm not torturing myself Mike---I'm telling people the truth. It's what you all deserve and it is the only way that I'm going to make myself feel like I actually have a right to be here. You see everyone, the truth is, I loved Adrienne. I loved her so, so much but I didn't deserve her. I just didn't realise it at the time. I was so arrogant and expected her to run to me every time I clicked my fingers. And for a while she did---but then she found someone else. Someone who, could make her smile wider than I ever could, laugh louder than I could ever make her---someone who could show her the love she deserved. And I couldn't it take that Mike was that person."

Billie paused and looked at the faces of the people around him. With their wide eyes and blushing cheeks, he knew that they were still struggling with the idea of a brother and sister being in such a taboo relationship. He saw Mike hang his head and uncomfortably shuffle his feet in the dirt.

"Don't you dare be ashamed Michael Pritchard," Billie said suddenly. "You made her happier than most people could ever have dreamed of. Me included. I was so fixated on the fact that you were family that I couldn't see that you were good for her. People can say that the relationship was disgusting but if they do then they never saw you two together. They never saw the way Adrienne smiled every time you entered a room or saw how she could be upset about something one minute and then you'd put your arm around her and she'd practically glow the next. So don't you dare be ashamed for being the person that made her days worthwhile.

If anyone should be ashamed of the way that they've behaved then it should be me. I was the one that robbed the world of Adrienne Ilene Pritchard and I will never forgive myself for that. I was so pig headed and thought that I was the only one who warranted to be with her because I had had control over her heart for a long, long time. I was jealous to distraction and that's why I got the gun. So I could scare Mike away from her. And this is where it has got me---in jail for manslaughter and having to live with the fact that not only did I kill one of my best friends but I also robbed my other best friend of true happiness in his life. Because that was what it was with him and Adie---happiness. No amount of jail time can remedy any sort of forgiveness for that. I just want you all to know how sorry I am---even though words probably mean nothing now---"

Shaking and with eyes glazed with tears, Billie knelt at Adrienne's grave side, kissing her name on the tombstone as he did so. 'I love and miss you Adrienne,' he whispered before standing up again, only then to be told it was time to leave by the guard who was acting as his protector for the day. He solemnly nodded at Mike and allowed the guard to replace his handcuffs and lead him away to the security van.

They were almost there when Billie heard someone shout his name. He looked over his shoulder and saw Mike running towards him. "Just give me five more minutes please," he pleaded with the guard.

"Make it two---"

Billie, still wearing his handcuffs, ran up to meet Mike.

"What's up buddy? Is everything OK?" he asked upon reaching him.

"Everything is fine. I just want to thank you for what you said back there, it was brave of you."

"I wasn't trying to be brave. I was trying to be honest."

"And you were! And I am so, so proud of you. It took guts to just come here today, I never expected you to say anything and it was great that you did. I get so angry at people because they all expect me to be angry at you and then they get angry at me when I say that I'm not.
Believe me Billie, I've tried to be. But it's not worth it. It won't bring Adie back and that's what people need to remember---that no matter how angry they are at you---she'll still be dead. And even though it tears my heart to shreds just thinking about it---I know you never meant to hurt her."

At this point Billie had hung his head and was allowing the tears that had been building up all afternoon to stream down his cheeks. Hot, angry tears that reflected the hot, angry feelings he had towards himself. "No--" he sobbed, "I didn't. Never, ever."

Mike put two firm hands on his shoulders. "What's done is done Billie. I'll miss Adrienne every single day. And I know you will too. That's why we need to stick together through this because no one else will understand how we feel. We both loved her. Now that could either bring us together---or it could tear us apart---and I really don't want it to be the latter. You're still my brother man---I need you."

Mike pulled Billie hard to him, engulfing him in a big 'man hug'. He could feel Billie's shoulders shaking with each of his heavy sobs. A cough from the guard signalled their time was up.

"I need you Billie. Don't forget that."

"We can get through this can't we Mike?"

"No doubt about it dude. Stay strong. I'll visit soon."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Sat in the back of the prisoner transit van on his return to the prison, Billie felt like a huge weight had been lifted from off his shoulders. His head felt light from crying but yet inside he felt at ease. Resting his head against the cool window, he glanced at the passing scenery---it would be a long time before he saw his hometown again. But that was OK because he knew he would see Mike and hopefully Tre soon.

And with his new sense of inner calm he knew that Adrienne wasn't too far away either. He knew he was going to be much better than before.