The First Cut is the Deepest

Today was Tuesday and it was the day that Will and I could go back to school from our one week suspension for getting into fights. I was kind of dreading it, because I got so used to waking up late and just doing nothing all day. Now, I had to go back to school and it made feel all... blah. Chris, being the awesome friend that he was, came to pick me up in the morning for school. I grabbed my stuff and other essentials and we all made our way to class.

I yawned as I entered first period. I was bored already and I had a feeling the rest of the day would be like this. I laid my head on my forearms as another yawn escaped my mouth. I glanced over at Will as he had the same bored expression that was probably on my face. I looked back at the teacher and sighed.

Just as I started to doze off, the teacher told us we had to start taking notes for our upcoming English test on Friday. I sighed again as I grabbed a pencil and eraser from my bag. I started half-heartedly writing down the notes that were on the board. While I was writing, Will whispered over at me.

"Hey, may I borrow your rubber?" he asked me. I looked up at him in shock.

"What?!" I asked him incredulously.

"Your rubber. May I borrow it?" he asked me as if it was nothing.

"That's a very weird thing to borrow from me, Will..." I said awkwardly. Why the hell was asking me that at this time of all times?

"What in the bloody hell are you talking about?" he asked. "Just let me borrow your rubber!" he said as he grabbed my eraser from off my desk. I looked at him in realization at what he actually asked for.

"Oh! Right. My eraser..." I muttered quietly.

"What were you thinking?" I looked at him and shrugged.

"Oh... Nothing..." I said as I looked away from him. Will looked at me for a second or two before he replied.

"You pervert! I know what you were thinking!" he said. "Why in the bloody hell would I ask you for a johnny?!"

"A johnny?! What the fuck?! How the hell did our conversation end up like this?! What the hell is a johnny?!" I whispered lowly. I think this was the most awkward conversation I've had about condoms so far in my life. Knowing me though, there were bound to be even more awkward conversations between us. Will sighed as he rubbed his forehead.

"Let's just not talk about this, okay? It just got weird," he said, erasing what he had to erase and giving back my eraser.

"Right," I said, turning back to write my notes. Talk about awkward.

For the rest of the period, I couldn't look Will in the eye. It was just too weird. As soon as class ended, I bolted out of there. Since I had majority of my classes with him though, I couldn't avoid him all day. I sighed at the thought of that. By second period, I tried to ignore that conversation and just continue on with the day as if that incident hadn't happened.



In fourth period PE, Marissa came up to me.

"So I heard you did a number on the new girl," she said. I laughed.

"Yeah. She didn't stand a chance against me," I said as I mock flexed my muscles as if I had any to begin with. I broke out into laughter and she laughed along with me.

"Her nose looks really bad."

"I'd expect it to be since I broke it." Before we could talk about it any longer, class started and we had to warm up.



Lunch came around and I got my food before I went to eat with everyone else. I sat down next to Chris as Will and Annabella sat in front of us.

"Hey," Chris greeted me.

"Hey," I said back. "Where's James and Sara? I don't see them that often anymore."

"Yeah, ever since they got together, they've been inseparable. They're always off for some alone time," Chris said.

"Cute," I started. "But a little gross too," I said with a nod.

"You think?" Chris replied sarcastically.

I didn't talk much during lunch today. I felt comfortable in the silence. As I was eating though, I started to think some things over. My brain decided to be a dick and it made me start to think about one of my past relationships.

I picked up my ringing cell phone.

"Hello?" I asked into the phone, not checking the caller ID.

"Hey," I heard the familiar voice of my boyfriend at the time, Sam Reed.

"Oh hey, Sam. What's up?" I asked.

"Nothing much. I just wanted to let you know that I can't make it to your party tonight," he said.

"What? Why not? I wanted you to go!" I somewhat whined.

"I know, I'm sorry. Stuff just came up. My grandparents are visiting and you know how it is," he said. I pouted to myself.

"Yeah, I understand. You owe me one though," I said with a laugh. I heard a laugh escape from him.

"Of course," he said. "Well, I have to go. I'm sorry again that I can't make it to your party. But I'll come see you as soon as my grandparents leave, okay?"

I smiled to myself. "Sure," I replied.

"Alright, I'll see you later. Bye."

"Bye," I said as I hung up the phone. I looked to the clock on my bedside table. It was around six o'clock and my party was at eight o'clock.

This was my first party that I've ever thrown. I didn't really know who to invite, so it was an open invite kind of thing. Since I was an eighth grader at the time, I was really excited to find out that some freshmen would probably come to my party. The party was going to start in a few hours, so I went downstairs and prepared things. Erin dropped by an hour early to help me set up food and drinks and other things. The music was already prepared too. All I had to do was press play and we were all set.

By eight thirty, there was already a fair amount of people here. I was playing hostess and greeted everyone and talked a bit with everyone. At around nine, Erin pulled me aside, a grim look on her face.

"I have to tell you something," she whispered.

"What?" I asked as we walked away from a group of people and into the kitchen. It looked like people were having a good time.

"It's about Sam," she said.

"What about him?" I asked, slightly panicked.

"He lied to you," she said as a sad look crossed her face.

"What are you talking about?"

"I was just talking to some girls and they mentioned Sam. They said they saw him with another girl earlier. They said he was pretty close with her, like, a girlfriend."

"And then what?"

"Well, they said that before they got here, they saw him introduce the girl to his parents at some restaurant."

"He said he was with his grandparents," I said, slightly choking on my own breath.

"I know," Erin said, handing me my phone that was on the kitchen counter. "He lied to you. I think you need to call him." I nodded and grabbed my phone from her.

I walked upstairs to my room and locked the door behind me. I sat on my bed and dialed his number. It rang five times before it went to voice-mail. I sighed and tried two more times. It kept going to voice-mail. I tossed my phone on the ground in front of me and stared at it. I kept staring at it until it finally rang. I waited nearly half an hour for that call. I quickly picked my phone off the floor and answered it.

"Hello?" I asked frantically.

"You called?" Sam asked from the other end.

"Is it true?" I asked.

"Is what true?" he asked back.

"Is it true that you're with another girl?" I asked as I went straight to the point. I heard him sigh before he replied.

"Look, can we not talk about this now..." he started.

"No! Let's talk about this now!" I said.

"Listen, I don't know how you found out about her, but it's none of your business," he said. I stared at my phone in shock.

"Of course it's my business! If you're introducing some other girl to your parents instead of me, I should know! You're my boyfriend!" I exclaimed. I was starting to get angry.

"Well, not anymore I am," he said harshly. My anger quickly faded into shock.

"W-what?" I stuttered.

"It's over between us," he stated.

"Why?" I finally managed to say.

"Just look at you! You're clingy as hell! And I don't need that." I was not clingy! If anything, he was clingy! "I'm going to hang out with my other girlfriend now, so don't ever call me again," he said before he hung up on me.

I dropped my phone on the floor and my body soon followed. I crumpled to the floor and started to cry. How could he do that to me? He was lying to me for who knows how long were together. He could have been with the other girl the whole time we were together. I felt my face grow wet with tears. I felt anger and sadness as I stood up and dragged myself to my bathroom in my room. I took out my blade and did a few swipes before I finally stopped. I dropped to the ground again and continued to cry to myself. The music downstairs helped drown out my cries.

And then, I just laid there in my own pool of blood. I half-heartedly put a bit of pressure of my cuts. I didn't go back to the party. In fact, I was passed out from blood loss before the party even ended.

When I came to it again, I was in the hospital. This was maybe the third or fourth time this had happened by then and I promised my mom I wouldn't do it again. And I thought I would never do it again. Oh, how wrong I was.

I took a deep breath as I dropped my fork onto my plate. I suddenly lost my appetite after remembering that. As I looked back on it, I was so young and naive. I wish I had known back then that that wouldn't be the last time someone would lie to me and cheat on me.

I glanced over at Jason from across the cafeteria and scowled. I took another deep breath and stared at the remainder of my food. I pushed the food around my plate as I felt my eyes sting a little.

Don't you dare cry! Not now, not ever. It was all a long time ago. Let it go.

I thought. I felt someone nudge my shoulder. I looked up and Chris was looking at me in concern.

"You alright? You've barely touched your food," he said.

"Oh, um, yeah, I'm fine," I said as I fumbled for words. "I'm just worried for the English test on Friday, you know?" I finished with a small laugh.

"Oh, I see," Chris said as he continued to eat his lunch. I sighed out in relief.

Before lunch ended, I left the group saying I had some PJY things to take care of. I left the cafeteria and started looking for Hayley. She wasn't in the cafeteria, so I had to ask around a bit. I later found her at the library. I shouldn't have been surprised though considering she was taking all AP classes and she did seem like the type to hang out in the library. I still wasn't really familiar with the school though, so I had to ask around where the library was at.

When I got there, I shouldn’t have been surprised to find it was a huge library. I found Hayley in the very back of the library, reading a book. Since it was a huge library, it kind of took me a while. She was too focused on the book that she didn't hear me walk up to her until I made a noise when I sat in front of her.

"Oh hey, Nicole," she said with a smile.

"Hey," I replied. "That's a good book," I said, referring to the book she was reading.

"Yeah, this is my third time reading it," she said before she closed it.

"That's a lengthy book."

"I'm a fast reader. What's up?" she asked as she gave me her full attention.

"It's about Chris," I said. I saw her visibly tense up.

"What about him?"

"Well, you were right. He does like someone else," I finally said. The color drained from her face, but she quickly composed herself.

"See?" she asked with a small sigh. "The way he looks at you, it's obvious-" I cut her off.

"Wait, wait, wait. What? Me? Why me?" I asked. She looked at me in confusion. I should be the confused one right now.

"Because you're the one he fancies. It's so obvious that I can't believe I didn't notice it before."

"What? He doesn't like me. That's nonsense!" I said, waving it off with my hand. She just looked at me.

"Oh, come on. I may be naive, but I'm not that naive. I can tell that he fancies you."

"But he's my friend!" I exclaimed. I heard a shush from behind me and I lowered my voice. "And I don't like him that way," I whispered.

"Yeah, well, he fancies you in that way," she said matter-of-factly. I stuck my tongue in my cheek as I thought about it. That couldn't have been right. Chris couldn't possibly like me. He just couldn't. I glanced up and looked Hayley in the eyes. This girl has liked Chris for about five years and when she found out that he liked one of her friends instead of her, I started to wonder how she felt.

"Do you hate me now?" I asked quietly. She giggled a sweet innocent laugh.

"Of course not. Why would I?" I shrugged at her question.

"I don't know. Because the guy you like likes me?" I offered. She bit her bottom lip before she replied.

"We haven't known each other for long, but like you said, we're friends. And I can tell that you're the type of friend who wouldn't betray one of her own friends. I know you wouldn't do anything with Chris if you didn't fancy him. And if you did, you'd probably tell me," she said with a small smile. I smiled back at her as I stood up and gave her a hug.

"Aw, you're such a sweet girl! You're lucky you're friends with me instead of some of those conniving bitches out there, because they would totally take advantage of you for being so naive!" I said with a laugh. And really, it was true. She was lucky I was so nice and not like those other people. She laughed at what I said.

"Thanks...?" she questioned. I pulled away from her.

"Don't worry. If Chris really does like me, I'll try to divert his like towards you," I said with a wink as I walked away. Before I left, I could see her cheeks go pink.

I left the library right when right the bell rang. As I walked to my sixth period class, I thought about what Hayley said. She couldn't have been right about that. Chris couldn't possibly like me. We were friends! I thought through all the times we hung out together, trying to see if he ever hinted at liking me. I couldn't really think of anything. If he did like me, he was pretty subtle about it. There weren't too many hints dropped of him liking me. There was only one way to find out if Chris really liked me and that was to just ask him.



I waited until the school day was over and made my way to my room. I texted Chris to meet me there. I hummed to myself as I waited for him. When I heard a knock on the door, I opened it.

"Hey, Chris," I said awkwardly.

"Hey, Nicole. What's up?" he asked me as he smiled brightly.

"I'm just gonna go out and ask this, okay?" I asked as I opened the door wider for him. He entered hesitantly.

"O-kay..." he said slowly. "What's this about?" he asked. I closed the door and walked towards the stool near the kitchen. I sat down in it and faced him.

"Chris, this may be really weird, but do you... Do you like me?" I asked. His smile dropped and a look of shock came over his face before he quickly composed himself and laughed.

"Of course I do! You're my friend!" he said, trying to brush it off.

"No," I said, holding my hand up. "I mean, do you like-like me? More than a friend?" I clarified. He stopped laughing as he licked his lips.

"Why are you asking me this?" he asked.

"I'm just wondering. Because someone pointed out you liked me."

"Who said that?"

"That's not important," I said, waving it off. "It's just a fact of a matter if it's true."

"And if it is true?" he asked me.

"Then it's true," I said simply. "So do you? Do you like me?" I asked again. His jaw tightened before he replied.

"Yeah, I do fancy you. More than a friend," he finally admitted. I didn't actually think it would be true. I guess Hayley was right. How was I so oblivious to it? "I hope this doesn't change anything," he said quickly. I waved my hands in front of me.

"It doesn't," I said with a smile.

"So it isn't weird between us?" he asked.

"It's totally fine," I said with a smile.

"I'm not expecting much from you, if you're thinking anything." I looked at him in question.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean, if you start to feel something back for me, then so be it. But if you don't, it's okay," he explained. I nodded.

"I see what you mean," I said.

"So it's really not weird?" he asked again. I rolled my eyes and jumped down from the chair.

"It's fine!" I said with a laugh. "Now, go to your room so we can finish our homework, because we both know if we study together, we'd just end up watching TV," I said with a smile as I playfully pushed him out of my room.

"Okay, okay," he said, his hands up in the air in defeat. "I'll see you tomorrow morning, okay?"

"Of course," I said with a smile. He smiled back at me and left for the elevator. I closed the door after him and leaned my back against it. The smile dropped from my face as I rubbed my forehead. "This is gonna be so weird!" I exclaimed as I ran and flopped onto my bed. I grunted into my pillow. Why did it have to be true of him liking me? Now, it's going to be all weird and complicated and blah, blah, blah! I was terrible with these types of things! I grunted and rolled around in my bed in annoyance.

How was I going to face him from now on?