The First Cut is the Deepest

The following Monday, I went to the library after class ended for the day. I needed to borrow a few books for an upcoming paper that was due. Once I got the books I needed, I headed straight to my room. When I got there, I was greeted to see Will in the middle of our room in a t-shirt and a pair of basketball shorts. I closed the door behind me as he started to stretch.

"What are you doing?" I asked as I walked around him and sat on my bed.

"I'm stretching," he stated.

"I can see that. But what for?"

"I'm going to work out."

"Why don't you just go to the dorm gym downstairs?" I questioned.

"It's closed for maintenance."

"What about your rugby practice?"

"It was cancelled," he stated simply. "Coach couldn't make it and the grass was getting trimmed today anyways."

"Oh," I said as I leaned back onto my hands.

"What's with the questions? Do you not want me to work out here?" he asked.

"Well, kind of..." I trailed off. Will glared at me before I continued. "I need to read these books and work on that paper for English and you might distract me."

"How am I going to distract you?" he asked me. I stared at him for a good five seconds with a 'Really? You don't know how?' look.

"Dude, you're gonna start working out and then you're gonna get all hot and sweaty. And then I'm gonna get all flustered and distracted and then I'm gonna pounce on yo-" I started rambling, but Will quickly cut me off before I could even finish what I was saying.

"Okay, okay. I get it. I still have to work out though, but I'll try not to distract you too much," he said.

"If you say so," I said with a shrug as I grabbed one of the books and started flipping through the pages.



About half an hour into my studying and Will's work out, he called for my attention.

"Oi!" he said. "Can you do me a favor?" he asked. I looked up at him and by now, he had removed his t-shirt and a thin coat of sweat covered the top half of his body. I would have drooled if I wasn't suspicious of what his favor was.

"What?" I asked carefully.

"Can you sit on my back?" he asked me. I stared at him for a good ten seconds in confusion. "What? Stop staring at me like that. Close your mouth..." he muttered. I snapped out of my confusion and finally said something.

"I'm sorry, I'm just a little... confused. You want me to what?"

"To sit on my back."

"Why?" I asked incredulously.

"I asked you because I need some weight on my back while I do press-ups, but not too much. And I know you don't weigh too much, so I thought you could just sit on my back," he explained. I stared at him for a good five seconds wondering what the hell press-ups were until I realized he meant push-ups.

"You could have just said that from the beginning instead of confusing the hell out of me first," I finally replied.

"But that wouldn't be as fun," he said with a smirk. "So will you sit on my back or what?"

"Yeah, yeah, you prick..." I muttered as I grabbed the book I was reading and sat up from my bed. Will laid face down on the ground in the middle of the room, ready to get into push-up position.

"But you're sweaty though," I muttered as I looked at his sweaty back.

"Then sit on my shirt," he said as he glanced up at me. I sighed as I grabbed his shirt and placed it on his back before I sat on him. I positioned myself on his back, my front side facing his head. Will told me to move up closer to his shoulder blades, so I did what he told me and got comfortable as I sat cross legged. "All set?" he asked me.

"Yup," I replied. He started to do one push-up, but I was so surprised by how fast he did it, I nearly fell over. So naturally, I gripped onto his shoulders for dear life.

"Fuck!" I gasped. Will quickly went back down to the ground.

"I thought your weight would weigh me down a bit more that, but apparently, it didn't. My bad. I'll start off slow then," he said. "You're lighter than I thought..." he muttered more to himself this time. I ignored that and reached over for my book that fell to the ground when I freaked out. Will slowly started to do his push-ups again and it seemed like it was a breeze for him. After a few push-ups, I got used to the moving and opened my book to read. After reading a few lines, I wondered how long he would do this.

"So how many push-ups are you doing?" I asked him.

"I don't know. Maybe forty to fifty. Or maybe sixty. Whichever tires me out first. With a little weight on my back though, I really don't know," he replied.

"Wow. That's like military status," I commented. He chuckled and continued to do his push-ups. I quickly hummed to myself and picked up my book to read again.



The Christmas holidays came and went. I didn't go back home though, because my mom and brother were visiting some family in Chicago, so I stayed in the dorms. I wasn't completely alone for Christmas though. Before everyone went back home for the holidays, they all came to Will and I's room and we had a small get together. We even bought each other gifts and exchanged them. Will even got me a present. He got me a new wristband. He said the only reason he bought it for me was because he said he was getting sick and tired of seeing me wear the same wristband over and over again. I thought it was sweet though. And of course, Chris spoiled me with candy treats along another pillow pet. I, on the other hand, got Chris a nice shirt and gave Will a calendar. It was to mark his menstrual cycle, because he was such an annoying bitch sometimes. He, of course, did not see the humor of the joke. Everyone else thought it was funny though, even Annabella.

Everyone came back from visiting their family before New Year's. So I spent my time with them at the dorms. Even Hayley and Annabella's roommate, Travis, joined us. And when the ball was about to drop at midnight, I would say it was pretty awkward. Well, it was for me at least. Will had Annabella to kiss, Sara and James were going to kiss, and the rest of us were just there. Hayley liked Chris and Chris liked me, and then there was Travis. I didn't make eye contact with anyone during that time and we all just took a sip of cider, waiting for it to pass. And by the time we all knew it, the new year rolled around, our break was over and school started up again.



It had been a week since school started up again and in that week, Will had been working out every other day in the room after school. He said the gym was still doing maintenance and he felt that practice wasn't enough for him and that he should train more before the rugby season started. So when it came to his push-ups, I had to sit on his back every time. It sort of became a routine. I would sit on his back and bring a book with me to read or something. This time though, I was really tired and I couldn't concentrate on my book. So instead of bringing a book, I tried to take a small nap while sitting cross legged on his back while he continued to go up and down with his push-ups. It wasn't very comfortable to be honest.

After a while of doing this, I just couldn't do it. I kept waking up, because I would almost fall off his back. And I had a feeling that Will would get pissed at me if I just got off his back, so I started to rearrange myself.

"What in the world are you doing?" Will asked.

"Shush. I'm getting comfortable..." I muttered. I rearranged myself so that my head was right between his shoulder blades, my back flat against his back and my feet on his calves with my knees bent. Since I was a lot smaller than him, I fit fine on his back.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Like I said, I was getting comfortable," I replied. "Continue with your push-ups." I felt him shake his head before he continued.





After I was about done with my push-ups, I told the yankee that she could get off now. She didn't reply, so I laid flat on the ground and kind of just rolled her off me. I sat up straight and noticed she was out cold. She must have fallen asleep when she first laid down on my back. I sighed as I unwillingly picked her up from off the floor and placed her into her bed. No matter how many times I had said it before, I still get amazed by how she could be as light as a feather.

As I stared down at her, my eyes trailed down to her wrists. She always had those bloody wristbands on her. Even if they didn't match what she was wearing, she was always wearing them. Was she hiding something?

I slowly and hesitantly reached for her wrist. I carefully tried to remove her wristband, but before I could, she stirred in her sleep. I coughed nervously to myself as I jumped back onto my bed.

What did I just try to do?

I thought to myself. I shook my head to clear my thoughts. I grabbed my t-shirt next to me and pulled it over my head. I leaned my forearms on my thighs as I continued to stare at the yankee.

These past few months have been... interesting. I admit that having the yankee around was a big part of it being interesting. She was someone that I could make fun and let my frustrations out on. The banter between us was quite entertaining and fun, to be honest. And recently, we've started to become... Dare I say it? Possibly, maybe, friends...? It was too weird to admit that and I was probably going to regret what I was going to say next.

The yankee was actually a very competent person. Yes, I know, I always picked on her and called her stupid or dumb, but she was actually the opposite. She was quite smart when it came to school and social matters. Of course though, I had to keep up appearances and if people knew that I actually considered her to be a part of my circle of friends, I didn't know how I would deal with that.

I sighed and finally looked away from her.





I was in second period when I thought about what happened yesterday. I woke up yesterday in my bed. From what I remembered last, I was sleeping on Will's back. I assumed when he stopped though, he picked me up and put me in my bed. Thinking about that just made my face flush. I didn't remember him doing that, but the thought that his arms were around me made me feel all weird inside. And as we were in second period, having free time to work on our homework, I glanced at him quickly. He was writing something down on a piece of paper. It was most likely the homework for today. I stared at his long, dark eyelashes and when his hazel eyes looked up and made contact with my own boring brown ones, I instantly looked away from him and acted as if the pencil in my hand was the most interesting thing in the world. Well, that was awkward.

I heard him scoff a little bit before he continued to write on his paper. I mentally chided myself for the rest of the class period. I couldn't believe that just happened.

When class ended, I stood up and gathered all my things. As I walked to my locker, Chris came up behind me, asking if I was ready to go to third period. He really was a gentleman and I couldn't help but feel terrible as I liked his best friend, not him. I sighed under my breath as I closed my locker and nodded. I took a quick glance down the hall at Will and saw him meet up with Annabella in the hall. I turned away from him before Chris and I walked to class.

As we walked into our third period, I realized that even though Chris knew that I liked someone else, he would still try to pursue me, especially since he didn't know who exactly I liked. So I decided that I was going to tell Chris who I liked. The only problem was I didn't know how to ease into it or how to even tell him in the first place. And even though it had only been a little over a week since Chris told me he loved, I still felt the need to tell him now. I couldn't just tell him during class though. I needed a time and place to tell him and let there be enough time to let everything sink in.

"Do you have rugby practice today?" I asked him as we sat down in our seats.

"Yup," he replied. "Why?"

"Just wondering, because I have something to tell you after your practice," I said.

"Okay," he said as he nodded. I don't think he thought more of it as class started.



When school ended that day and rugby practice started, I decided to go and watch them and wait for Chris to be done. I just sat on the bleachers biting on my thumb as I thought things through. I glanced up every few seconds to look at the guys practicing, but not too long after, I would turn away. I couldn't look at Will without feeling sorry for myself and I couldn't look at Chris without feeling sorry for him.

Their practice had finally ended and I watched as Chris made his over to where I was at on the bleachers.

"Hey," Chris said to me.

"Hey," I replied.

"No camera today?" I shook my head. "So what did you want to talk about then?"

"You might hate me for this..." I started as he sat down next to me.

"I could never hate you," he said.

"This might be an exception."

"Enough of that. Just tell me what's wrong." I inhaled as I started fidgeting with my fingernails. I exhaled and then finally spoke.

"Remember when I said that I liked someone else?" I glanced at him and he nodded. "Well... that person is on this field right now..." He looked confused, but looked out at the field. By then, the rest of the team had left to go change while the captain stayed on the field making sure everything was cleared up.

"The only person there is..." Chris trailed off.

"Yeah, Will. I like Will," I finally said. Chris' mouth went slack for a few seconds before he spoke up.

"Oh..." He sounded disappointed, but he tried to hide it.

"You hate me."

"I don't."

"You do. I shouldn't have told you. Now, you hate me."

"Oh, come off it. I don't hate you," Chris said.

"What now then?" I asked and he shrugged.

"I don't know."

"Neither do I." We both stared out at the field in front of us. "Does he know?" he asked.

"What? Will? Gosh no! That's weird!"

"Don't you think he deserves to know?"

"Well, yeah, but when am I supposed to tell him that? How am I supposed to tell him that?" He didn't reply. It seemed as if he didn't know the answer either. I leaned my head against Chris' shoulder. "I'm sorry I couldn't tell you earlier," I whispered. "I didn't know how to tell you or if I should even tell you at all. Plus, I was too embarrassed. How could I like a guy who has a girlfriend?"

"To be honest, who knows? The girl I love likes my best mate. We all have our problems," Chris said. I let out a small laugh, but wanted to cringe at the word love.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"It's okay. Don't worry about it." It went quiet for a few minutes.

"I don't know what to do. He has Annabella and, and..." I trailed off, my eyes filling with tears.

"Shh..." Chris murmured as he wrapped his arms around me and held me close to him. And so on those bleachers, I cried after finally telling Chris I liked Will.





After rugby practice ended, I let everyone go while I stayed behind and made sure everything was put away and such. I glanced at the bleachers and squinted my eyes at what I saw. If I saw it correctly, the yankee and Chris were on the bleachers. It seemed as if they were having a serious conversation. At one point, they both looked at me and then looked away. I stared at them in question. After a minute or two, I watched as Chris wrapped his arms around the yankee. What the hell just happened?

I don't know why it happened, but I felt my hands ball into fists and anger coursing through my veins. I didn't know what was wrong with me, because I couldn't form any coherent sentences. I took a deep breath to calm my anger and only three words formed in my head that made a complete, real sentence.

What the fuck?!





The next day after school had ended, both Will and I were in the room. He was in a pair of basketball shorts and a t-shirt, so I assumed he was going to work out again.

"Do you need me to sit on your back again?" I asked with a slight smile on my face.

"No need," he said harshly. "The gym is finally open again, so I don't need your help," he said as he grabbed a water bottle from the fridge. What was his problem? Why was he so pissy all of a sudden? I thought we were finally trying to be friends? I couldn't stop myself from speaking up.

"Will, what the fuck is your problem?" I asked bluntly. I wasn't necessarily mad at him, but I was more curious.

"Nothing," he said. "I just don't need you anymore," he said as he grabbed his work out bag. I just stared at him. Seriously, what was his problem?

"Are you mad at me or something?" I asked him as I stood up from my bed and walked towards him.

"Why would you say that?" he asked as he avoided eye contact with me.

"Because you're being really weird right now. Why are you mad at me?"

"I never said I was mad at you!" he suddenly yelled as he looked at me. I stepped away from him in shock. "You know what? Just fuck off and go spend some time with your boyfriend, Chris," he said darkly. My mouth fell open in my shock.

"Excuse me?" I asked in shock. I didn't know what else to say. He just scoffed before he grabbed his work out bag and left the room.

What the fuck just happened and how did things turn out this way?

I thought as I walked back to my bed in a daze.



A week passed since then. It seemed that we just went straight back to how it was before we were "friends". He went back to glaring at me every time I spoke or did anything. In fact, he would glare at me at every chance he got. Something else changed too. Not only was he being a complete jackass to me, he was being a complete jackass to Chris. I didn't know why though. Chris didn't do anything wrong. If anything, he was the most perfect friend you could ever ask for. After I told him I liked Will, Chris took me out and bought me food to help me feel better. It actually helped. For some reason though, Will seemed to be taking his frustration out on not only me, but also Chris. And it was starting to annoy me.

As I thought about the way that Will was treating both Chris and I, I was starting to regret liking him in the first, even if it was only a little bit.

How could I possibly fall for a prick like him? Why do I always fall for the wrong guys?

I thought to myself as I stole a glance across the cafeteria and saw Jason. I let my eyes wander over to Chris.

Why couldn't I like Chris? Or someone like him? He was good for me.

I thought before I brushed those thoughts aside. There was no helping it now. I liked Will. Still though, there was that little part of me that wished I didn't and instead wanted to crush and kill the feelings I had for him.

And it was in that same time at lunch did I finally muster up the courage to tell Will. I watched as Annabella and Will were all lovey-dovey and it made me feel sick to my stomach. I inhaled as I closed my eyes. I exhaled while I opened my eyes and glanced at Chris. He had a questioning look on his face, but I didn't bother to say anything to him. Rather, I let my next actions speak for themselves. I heaved myself up from the seat I was sitting on and turned to Will.

"Hey, Will? Could I talk to you for a minute?" I asked.

Everyone at the table looked at me in question, probably wondering what I wanted to talk to him about. I ignored that and I even ignored the stare that Chris was burning into my side. Will glanced at Annabella and she nodded in approval with a small smile. He got up from his seat and pecked her quickly on the lips. I prevented myself from cringing or gagging. When he pulled away, Annabella had a somewhat smug look on her face. To be polite, I smiled at her sweetly. I turned around and walked into the hallway, away from everyone's view.

"What do you want to talk about?" he asked once we were in the hallway. He crossed his arms over his chest as he faced me.

"This won't take long," I started. "then you could go back to your girlfriend," I replied with a hint of distaste in my voice. He smirked at what I said.

"Then spit it out," he ordered. I rolled my eyes at him. Honestly, what happened to him that made him revert back to an asshole? I couldn't believe I even liked this guy.

"I don't know how to say this..." I started as I began to pace. I looked to the floor as I did so. "Um... This is very hard to say..." I glanced up at him and he had an irritated look on his face. "Well... I sort of... Okay, I do... W-will..." I started, but stopped. I took a deep breath. "Okay. I'm just going to say this. Will," I stopped pacing and locked eyes with him. This was harder since he was so tall and I had to look up. "I-i like... you," I stuttered. There. I said it. And you know what Will did. He stared at me in shock before his facial expression hardened.

"Why?" he asked suspiciously. I stared at him in confusion.

Why? Did he just ask why? Why in the world would he ask why?

I thought to myself before finding different words to voice instead. "Okay. Listen. I don't know why I like you. You're an arrogant jackass, but I like you, okay?" I asked, but I wasn't expecting a reply. "But I won't interfere with your relationship with Annabella. You can choose to ignore what I told you, if you want. I just felt that I needed to finally tell you. It's not a big deal. And I hope this is just temporary, me liking you. I hope it will fade and go away. Forever. So, that's it," I finished. Even though I said I kind of wanted to kill these feelings, my feelings were still there and every word I spoke, I couldn't help but cringe inside. Will stared me for a good ten seconds before he broke out into laughter.

"Bloody hell! I never thought this would happen! That's so hilarious! I can't wait to tell people about this!" he gasped as he held his stomach. I stared at him, wide-eyed.

"Why would you do that? Don't tell anyone!" I yelled at him angrily. He stopped laughing and stared down at me.

"Fine," he said harshly as his tone changed once more. "I won't tell anyone. But you better keep to your word. Don't fuck up what Ann and I have," he warned as he pointed his finger in my face. I glared at him and shoved his finger away from me.

"Wouldn't dream of it," I said darkly as I left him standing in the hallway alone. I walked back to the table where everyone was sitting at and about a minute later, Will rejoined us. Everyone could tell that there was a sudden change in atmosphere, but no one bothered to question it and instead tried to ignore it and continue with lunch as if nothing had happened. Both Will and I knew exactly what had happened though.





As I sat back down next to Ann at the lunch table, I couldn't help but think over what the hell just happened. The yankee just told me she fancied me. She just told me she bloody fancied me! How the bloody hell was I supposed to reply to that?!

So I did the one thing that came naturally to me. I was a complete arse about it. What else was I supposed to do? It was the only thing that I could think to do. After thinking back on the conversation, I really was an arse. I couldn't control what was coming out of my mouth. Even though I didn't say much to her confession, what little I did say was spoken harshly. The more I thought about it though, the more I was kind of glad I said it like that. If I didn't say it like that, I didn't know how else to say it or what else to say to that for that matter.

How was I supposed to reply to the girl who I was supposed to hate, because she became my roommate while my own girlfriend couldn't? I couldn't possibly tell her how I felt when she told me fancied me. That really would have been the death of me. Because no matter how much I wanted to deny it, I was actually a little... happy and relieved about it. The only reason why I was being a complete arse to even Chris, my best mate, was because of the yankee. I thought they had a thing, and it honestly made me angry. Then finding out that she fancied me and not him, it made me relieved. That meant I didn't have to be an arse towards Chris anymore. Like the best mate he is though, he put up with me. That reminded me that I needed to apologize to him soon. And the reason why I was happy is honestly what scared me into saying all those things to her.

I didn't want to admit it, but... I kind of wanted the yankee to fancy me. Though, the yankee was starting to give me this weird feeling and I didn't like it. I shouldn't have been feeling this way towards the yankee, but here they were. It was an odd feeling she gave me, but I knew this feeling. This was the feeling of fancying someone, of fondness. If this weird feeling really were that of fancying someone, then this feeling had to die. I had to crush them. I had a girlfriend and this feeling had no room in my life with Ann.

So if I was an even bigger arse to the yankee, maybe she would get over me and stop her feelings for me, along with my own. I could only hope though.





Two weeks have passed and Will and I haven't spoken to each other since then. He spent most of his time with Annabella in her room or something, while I spent most of my time in our room, finishing up the paper that was almost due. Every now and then though, Chris would visit me and keep me company for a while.

If I had known earlier that after I told Will that I liked him, it would end up like this, I would have never told him in the first place. Things seemed to be worse now than ever. I liked it better when he at least glared at me or criticized me for something I did or didn't do. I would trade anything for that right now. Now, he wouldn't even look at me or acknowledge my presence. I would rather be "friends" like we used to be than like this. And this silence thing wasn't the same as after I had stomach pain and he was there to comfort me. This silence between us was way worse than that.

So when he finally came back to the room late at night, I finally tried to break the silence.

"Will?" I asked him as he walked through the door, shutting it behind him. He ignored me and instead walked towards his bed. I sighed before I got up from my own bed. "Will, if you're not going to talk to me, can you at least look at me?" I asked exasperatedly. He didn't even bother to look up at me as he sat on his bed, his front side facing my bed. "Ugh!" I grunted before I stomped in front of him and shoved at his shoulders harshly. He fell back onto his bed with a loud 'oomph' sound. "You're such a fucking asshole!" I finally snapped. I was sick of this.

"What the fuck is your problem?!" he said as he sat himself back up and stared at me.

"Oh, now you speak?!" I yelled.

"What the fuck is your problem?!" he repeated, louder this time. I took a deep breath to calm my breathing, so I wouldn't yell at him when I replied.

"We need to talk," I said through my teeth.

"About what?" he asked harshly as he rearranged his shirt.

"About why we aren't talking," I said simply as I finally calmed myself enough that I didn't need to speak through gritted teeth.

"We're talking right now. What's the problem?" he asked in a quieter voice.

"This doesn't count," I pointed out. I took a few steps back and sat down on my bed, facing him. "I know we're not talking, because of what I told you two weeks ago at lunch."

"Who said that?" he asked as he looked away from me.

"No one did. But we both know that's the reason. I want to clear the air, so we can at least go back to being how we were before. How we had a love-hate relationship," I said for lack of better words to say. I really didn't want to say the word love in this situation, but that was the only thing I could think of. "Can you just try to forget what I said and try to go back to how were before?" I asked.

"Believe me, I'm trying," Will said so quietly, I wasn't even sure I heard him right. "But what are you going to do about what you told me?" he asked louder. I was doing so well and I almost faltered at what he asked.

"I'll," I started. "I'll deal with it myself," I finally said "This is something personal that only I can deal with. So I'll deal with it and resolve it myself." As those words left my mouth though, my mind shouted differently.

These are my feelings! They just simply can't be dealt with!

I ignored that screaming in my head and instead discreetly dug my fingernails into my left wrist for a little "release". I held my fingernails in my wrist for a good ten seconds before I started to wince and let go. "So," I started again as I stood up and walked towards Will. And to wrap this up just like after he comforted me when I had stomach pains, I held out my hand for him to shake.

"Friends?" I asked. Will stared at me before he scoffed.

"As if we were ever friends in the first place..." he muttered.

"Are you going to shake my hand or not?" I didn't say it in a mean way. I was honestly hoping he would shake my hand. He hesitantly reached over and shook my hand. And when his warm hand closed over mine, I let a smile break out onto my face. I let go of his hand and turned away. "Okay then!" I said happily, jumping onto my bed. "Now that that is over with, back to my paper!" I said as I grabbed my laptop. I stared at the screen for a second or two before I typed away. It may have seemed like a burden had been taken off my shoulders and I was happy-go-lucky to Will, but it was quite the opposite. I was struggling with myself to keep it together.

Saying I was going to "deal" with my feelings was one thing, but actually "dealing" with them was another. How was I supposed to "deal" with these feelings I had for him?