The First Cut is the Deepest

Even though it's been three days since we said we would be friends or something along those lines, it seemed like Will couldn't do that. Yeah, it seemed like we were getting along, maybe even better than we did before I told him I liked him, but it felt like there was an underlying tone to it all. I could tell that Will didn't want me to like him anymore, but it also felt as if he maybe liked me back, even a little bit. And because of that, I felt that's why there was that little weird underlying tone between us. It was as if he was trying to avoid it, like he was trying to kill the feelings he had for me, if he had any to begin with. Or he was trying to prevent feelings for me from sprouting.

I understood where he was coming from, because at one point, I probably had done that too. Maybe to Will or maybe not to Will, but I had probably done the same exact thing before. I couldn't help feeling though that it was just making the situation between us even worse. Everything just seemed to be getting worse and worse between us.

I eventually told Chris everything that happened between Will and I. Will even stopped being an arse to him and they were still best of friends. Chris knew practically everything now. Well, only what I wanted him to know. As far as he was concerned, he knew everything that happened. As far as I was concerned though, he knew just about as how much as Will knew. I didn't lie to Chris, I was just didn't tell him the whole truth.

In the end though, I shouldn't have done that. I should have just told Chris everything from the beginning. Because what simply started out as me not telling him the whole truth became full out lying to him. It happened when he stopped by my room that Saturday afternoon to hang out for a bit.

"Nicole," he started. I hummed at him to continue. "Do you still like Will?" I stopped typing on my laptop and looked up at him. He had a blank expression on his face, but I could see a hint of sadness in his eyes. And once I saw that, I just couldn't break his heart all over again. So I said the only thing I thought I could say at the time.

"No," I lied. I shouldn't have lied to him, but I did. I saw a look of relief wash over Chris' face. "I'm," I started. "I'm over him," I managed to say. It was far from the truth though. Maybe, just maybe though, if I said it out loud, it would come true. Maybe if I admitted that I stopped liking Will, maybe then I would in fact stop liking him. It was a long shot, but it was a shot I was willing to take. I had nothing to lose. I had nothing in the first place.

"Are you sure?" he asked me. I nodded slowly.

"I'm not going to waste my time on someone who won't come to like back the way that I like them," I said. I was sprouting lies and I didn't like it. I had no other choice though.

"Oh, okay," Chris said, a hint of a smile on his face.

"Why?" I asked. He shrugged.

"I was just wondering," he said. I nodded and continued typing away. "Does that mean I have more of a chance then?" Chris suddenly said. I faltered in my typing and looked up at him.

"What?" I asked. I said that lie earlier so I wouldn't hurt him, but could I lie again when he asked me that question? Right when I tried not to hurt him, something else popped up that could easily hurt him. I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't want to lie to him again, so I didn't.

"To be honest, Chris, I don't know," I said. "I don't think you should have asked me that question." He nodded in understanding.

"You're right. It was uncalled for. I shouldn't have asked that. Especially so soon after you got over Will," he said. I felt a pang in my chest. "I'm sorry," he said. I nodded at him.

"It's fine," I replied as I once again continued to type away.

When he finally left an hour or two later, I just wanted to crawl into my bed and never leave. I felt like I made a huge mess out of everything. He was my friend and I wanted to tell him everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. About how I really did still have feelings for Will to how I cut myself to make me feel better about it all. I couldn't bring myself to do it though. It seemed the only thing that could understand me was something that wasn't even a living thing. It felt like something, anything that was a sharp object understood me more than my own friends.

I sighed as I walked towards the bathroom. I locked myself in the bathroom, bringing out the razor blade that was taped against the far end of one of the drawers. As I removed my wristband and bandages and held the blade in my hand, it really did seem as if this little piece of metal understood me more than my friends. I took a deep breath before I swiped a slash across my wrist. I let out the breath I was holding before I inhaled again and did another slash.

I breathed out a shallow breath as I shut my eyes and dropped the blade in the sink. I let my blood run out for a few seconds before I applied pressure to my wrist. I wrapped new bandages on my fresh cuts and placed my wristband back on. I washed off the blade and hid it again before I looked myself over in the mirror and patted down any hair sticking up. I took a deep breath as I left the bathroom. I was surprised to find Annabella sitting on Will's bed, her folded hands over her knees.

"Hi, Nicole," she said in a cheery voice as I instinctively took a step back from surprise.

"Oh, hi," I replied as I quickly overcame my shock and stepped back out. Annabella smiled that perfect pearly white smile she had as I closed the bathroom door behind me and walked towards my bed. I glanced towards the kitchen and saw Will rummaging through the cabinets for something.

"Ann said she was hungry, so I said she could come by and I'd cook her dinner," Will said as he took a pot out.

"Oh, I see," I replied quietly.

But I didn't ask.

I thought bitterly as I went back on my laptop. Annabella got up from Will's bed and sat on a stool at the counter in front of Will. From my peripheral vision, I could see her start to swing her legs back and forth as she watched Will cook. It took me everything in me not to roll my eyes at her. I tried not to think about that anymore as Will turned on the stove.

I never knew Will could cook.

I didn't bother to voice that thought though and tried to focus my attention back to my laptop. As I typed away though, my mind started to drift.

There were so many things I didn't know about Will. Like that he could cook, for example. What else did I know about him? There wasn't much. There were just little things here and there, half of which I found out by Chris. Like how Will had a scar at the top of his forehead, right near his hairline so it was practically invisible. Other than those little things though, I knew almost nothing. How could I possibly like someone and not know anything about them. I wanted to ask him so many things, but how was I supposed to do that? Especially when his girlfriend was in the same room as us right now?

I sighed and closed my laptop. I was starting to get dizzy. I stood up and walked towards the kitchen. I grabbed a bottled water from the fridge and started drinking from it.

"Are you okay, Nicole?" Annabella asked. I nodded slowly as to not make myself any dizzier.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I finally replied.

"You're a little pale," she commented.

"Am I?" I questioned as I sat on the stool next to her. I think I already knew the answer though. I just had a little session with a certain sharp object and I hadn't eaten yet, so of course I would be a little pale.

"You should eat something," she said.

"Is it because of your iron supplements?" Will finally chimed in. It was true that this nauseating feeling might have been a side effect of my iron supplements, but I didn't think that that was the only reason. I think everything just piled on me so fast.

"I think so," I said quietly as I silently refused to voice that last thought.

"Are you okay enough to eat?" he asked and it sounded like he was genuinely concerned. I shook my head.

"I don't think so. I'm too nauseated," I said. "I think I'm just going to go to bed early," I said before I took one last gulp from my water bottle and headed for my bed.

I didn't think the two of them helped my nausea one bit, but it wasn't like I was going to tell them that. I forced myself to sleep though as I blocked them out.



It had been about a month or so since I told Chris about the whole liking Will thing and I thought that finally everything went back to normal. The half term of the Spring Term came and went and I spent my time at the dorms instead of going to visit my family back home. And during that time, I promised myself that from then on out, I was not going to fuck anything else up. Apparently, Chris didn't get that memo though, because he decided to just fuck everything up for me.

We were currently in my room again after school. We were on the couch watching some show that I never heard of. And that was when Chris turned to me and spoke up.

"Nicole, I still love you," he suddenly blurted out. I stared at him, my mouth open.

"You pick the worst possible time to say anything," I said bluntly. He scratched the back of his head awkwardly as he replied.

"I do, don't I?" he asked. "I should probably work on that."

"Yeah," I said sharply, a little annoyed. I turned back to the screen before he could reply. When he did reply though, I wanted to smack him in the face.

"So do you like me back yet?" he asked. Usually if people asked that, they sounded like complete dicks. With the way that Chris said it though, it made me feel bad. I slowly shook my head. "Oh..." he replied. I could hear the disappointment in his voice. While we were on the topic though, I might as well continue it now instead of going and bringing it up later.

"Chris, you can't love me," I finally said to him as I turned to him.

"Yes, I can," he argued. I shook my head.

"No, you can't. You don't even know me. You can't love someone you don't know," I said as I stood up from the couch and headed towards my bed.

"What are you talking about?" he asked as he turned off the TV. "Of course I know you! I know a bunch of things about you! Your birthday, favourite food, favourite number, favourite season, what you love to do-" he started as he listed off things.

"No, no, no. Those are just petty things. You don't know me. You don't know my past. You don't know anything," I said as I sat on my bed and faced him.

"Then why don't you tell me? Tell me about yourself," he practically begged as he stood up from the couch as well. "Why can't I love you?" I sighed exasperatedly before I replied.

"It's not just that. There's a bunch of factors why I can't possibly be with you."

"And what are those factors, huh? Will? Is he a factor?" His voice was starting to rise slightly. I stood up and walked towards him.

"Chris, don't do this. You know I'm over him-"

"Are you really? Because from where I'm standing, you're not. If anything, you're completely hung up over him!" he exclaimed. I glared at him.

"This is exactly what I mean. You wouldn't understand what's going on in my head. You don't know me."

"Then fucking tell me!" he shouted at me. I never heard him raise his voice at me like that.

"I can't!" I finally shouted back. I grunted and rubbed my forehead. It was quiet for a few seconds before Chris spoke up again.

"Nicole, tell me the truth," he said quietly. "What are you not telling me?" Chris asked, concern dripping off every word. I sighed heavily.

"I c-can't..." I replied as I turned away from him.

"Yes, you can. Just tell me," he pleaded. I turned back around and looked him in the eye before I quickly looked away. I couldn't bear looking him dead in the eyes.

"Chris, I just can't... It's too hard..." I tried to explain. "You just can't love me, okay?" I said. "I've made so many mistakes. I've created so much drama. This was exactly why I left California in the first place. I left to get away from all this drama and start fresh. But everywhere I go, I just bring my drama and mistakes with me. I fuck everything up," I started rambling. "I'm no good. I have problems," I said with a heavy sigh. Chris just looked at me and it seemed he didn't know what to say. "You know what? If that isn't enough for you to stop loving me, I'll show you more proof," I said as I lifted up my sleeve and tossed my wrist band and bandages onto my bed. Chris' mouth dropped open as he saw the streaks of fresh cuts. "See? I'm no good," I repeated. He took a hesitant step towards me.

"Why...?" he asked me. shook my head before I drifted my eyes over to Will's bed. He followed my gaze and his eyes widened. "So you are still hung up over him!" he suddenly yelled loudly.

"Yeah, so?!" I retorted. "What am I supposed to do? This is hard enough for me without you giving me shit about it..." I said as my voice became quieter. Chris pulled me into a tight hug.

"I'm sorry, Nicole. But if Will is making you do this, then just give up on him. He's not worth it if it's making you resort to cutting yourself. It's just... not right..." he trailed off. "I'm better for you. I wouldn't make you do this." I lightly pushed him away from me.

"Chris," I started. "I'm sorry, but I really can't return your feelings. You can't love me, because I can't love you back," I said as I looked him in the eyes. I watched as his jaw tightened. He turned away from me and left my room. I didn't bother to say anything or stop him. There was no point. I finally told him the truth and nothing I said or did after that would stop him from leaving. With that finally said though, I couldn't help but feel like a hypocrite.

I sat on my bed and stared at the door while I bit at my fingernails nervously. What was going to happen now?





I couldn't think straight as I left Nicole's room. I didn't even bother to acknowledge Will as I passed by him. If I did, I probably would have done something I would regret, like beat the bloody hell out of him. If it wasn't for Will, this whole thing wouldn't be happening. Hell, I might even actually be dating Nicole right now. If Will wasn't there, everything would be fine.

I rubbed my forehead as guilt washed over me. Will was my best mate and I felt like I was betraying him by cursing him for being around. I never thought that a girl would make me so bitter against my own best mate. I couldn't help myself though. This was Nicole we were talking about. She was different from other girls and I always wondered why. And after finally finding out why, it only made me more bitter towards Will and made me want to protect Nicole even more.

When I got to my floor, I was surprised to see Hayley leaning against the wall near my room door. She looked up when I got closer and her face was already red with a blush by the time I made it to her. She pushed herself off the wall as I took out my key card.

"I don't mean to be rude, but I don't need this right now," I said as I slid my key card into the door. The small smile dropped from her face as I pushed the door open.

"Oh," she said quietly. "I just wanted to talk though."

"Talk about what?" I asked rudely. Usually, I wouldn't be this mean, especially to a girl, a pretty one at that. At the moment though, I didn't give a damn. I didn't need this right now. I was just wanted to be alone and think over all of this.

"I-i don't know," she stuttered. "Whatever you want to talk about, I guess," she said shyly. I scoffed before I entered my room and closed the door on her. I leaned against the door and thought about what I had just done. I was being such an arse. Was I Will now? I groaned and opened the door. Hayley was halfway down the hall by now and her shoulders were slightly slumped.

"Oi!" I called out. She jumped and turned around. "Do you want to come in so we could talk? It looks like my roommate has gone out." I forced a small smile on my face. She nodded energetically and smiled.

"Sure," she said in a quiet voice. She really was a quiet and shy girl. No wonder I never noticed her before. She was a pretty girl, but I just never noticed before.

She walked back down the hall towards me and I opened the door wider for her to enter. I closed the door after her and gestured towards the couch. She sat down first before I sat down next her. Maybe someone to talk to could help me right now.





As I was walking down the hall to my room, I saw Chris leave my room. Before I could even say anything, he brushed past me and walked into the lift. I looked at him in confusion, but he completely ignored me as the lift doors closed. I shrugged it off and entered my room. I walked in to find the yankee sitting on her bed as she bit at her fingernails.

"Hey, what was up with Chris? Is he mad or something? Because he completely ignored me," I said. I don't even think the yankee noticed that I had entered the room. She just stared into space, still biting at her fingernails. "Oi!" I said suddenly to snap her out of her trance.

"Huh? What?" she asked in confusion.

"Chris," I started. "what happened?"

"Oh," she said in a small voice. "Nothing happened," she replied as she grabbed her wristband and something else that was white that was on her bed. I noticed this was the first time I had ever seen her not wearing it. It looked weird to be honest. She quickly placed it back on her wrist before she let out a small cough. I didn't know if it was in my head or something, but I swear I saw something there on her wrist. I didn't think more about it though as I watched her toss the white thing she grabbed from her bed into the bin. I grabbed my books from my bag and started on my homework.



While I was doing my homework, I noticed the yankee was still kind of out of it. She was currently staring at her laptop. She wasn't typing or anything and her laptop wasn't even on. She was just staring at it. It was starting to creep me out a bit. What was up with her?

"I hate to be the stereotypical English person," I started. "but would you like some tea?" I asked. Even though I tried to crack a joke, she didn't even bother to reply. I sighed as I got up from my bed and walked towards the kitchen. I put the kettle on the stove and as I waited for the water to boil, I watched the yankee. She was perfectly fine when I left the room earlier, so what the hell happened while I was gone? Did it have something to do with Chris? After a while of staring at the black screen of her laptop, she went right back to biting her fingernails. At one point, she stopped and face palmed her own forehead. It looked like she was beating herself up for something. It was a little funny and sad to watch at the same time.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when the piercing sound of the kettle went off. I grabbed a mug along with a tea packet and poured the hot water into the mug. After waiting a minute or two, I grabbed the mug and made my way over to the yankee. I didn't even bother to speak to snap her out of her daze, but instead, I pressed the side of the hot mug against the back of her hand.

"Fuck, that's hot!" she exclaimed as she quickly moved her hand away and cradled it in her other hand. At least she snapped out of her trance.

"Here," I said simply as I held the mug out for her to grab. She looked at me in confusion and shock before she grabbed the handle and the top of the mug with both of her hands.

"Thanks," she said in a quiet voice. She obviously didn't hear me earlier when I asked if she wanted some tea. I hummed back a response as I sat on my bed and faced her. As she took a sip of the tea, I spoke up.

"So what's wrong?" I asked and she choked on the tea.

"What?" she asked in surprise.

"What's wrong?" I repeated. "There's obviously something wrong with you. So what happened?" It took her a few seconds before she replied.

"I'm surprised you're asking me this," she started. "I didn't know we were one of those types of 'friends'," she with as she did air quotes around the word friends with her free hand.

"Oh, come off it. So I can't even ask that?" I asked. She shrugged as she took another sip.

"You can. It's just weird," she said with another shrug. "It's," she started. It seemed as if she were trying to pick her words carefully. "It's nothing," she finally said. It didn't seem as if that was what she really wanted to say, but I didn't question her about it and just hummed in reply. "Why are you staring at me?" the yankee asked after a minute or two. My eyes widened in shock. I didn't even realize I was still staring at her.

"What? I'm not staring at you," I said as I turned away from her and focused back onto my homework. This time, she hummed at me. I couldn't help but feel blood rush up to my cheeks. Well, that was embarrassing. I took a quick glance at her and thankfully, she wasn't looking at me anymore and instead was drinking her tea.

I looked away from her and stared at my homework in front of me. I could still feel the warmness on my cheeks and for some reason, I still couldn't shake it off. What the hell was the yankee doing to me?



The next day after school at rugby practice, I finally had the chance to talk to Chris. I used our break time as a chance. Since him and the yankee were close, I figured he knew what was up with her.

"Hey, Chris," I started as I rested my hand on his shoulder. "So do you know what's up with the yankee?" I asked bluntly. I didn't bother to beat around the bush or try to ease into the question. What was the point of that?

"What? Why? What did she tell you?" he asked back. I noticed his voice went a slight octave higher.

"Nothing. I'm just wondering, mate," I said with a chuckle as I patted him on his shoulder.

"Oh," he said in a quiet voice.

"So is there any progress between you and the yankee?" I asked with a wink. It had been a little bit over a month and that was plenty of time for the yankee to stop fancying me and start fancying Chris. Maybe if that happened, these stupid, weird feelings would finally go away.

"You know what the progress with us is. She doesn't like me. And she clearly told me she won't. Because she likes you, remember?" There was a sudden change in atmosphere and there was a slight sneer in his voice. My smile dropped as well as my hand from his shoulder.

"She told you?" I asked in surprise and slight anger.

"Of course she told me," he said. "And I keep telling her to get over you and be with me, but every single time, she rejects me." I could hear a hint of anger in his voice. At the moment though, I didn't really care. I was more pissed that she still repeatedly rejected Chris. She said she would deal with it. And she also said that she wouldn't interfere with Ann and I and there she went, not even trying to make a move to try to move on from me. I couldn't help the anger that coursed through my own veins. Of course she would try to come between Ann and I. This was the yankee we were talking about. Of course she was capable of that.

I didn't bother to go more into it and let Chris have time to cool off. I tried to cool off as well, but it wasn't really working. I was silently fuming for the rest of practice and I knew exactly what I was going to do when I went to back to my room. I was going to talk some sense into that damn yankee and if yelling at her was the way to go, then so be it.





It was late by the time I left the PJY room and headed back to the dorms. Rugby was already out, so Will was probably back in the room already or he was with Annabella. I knew Will was back in the room though, because as soon as I entered the room, I was greeted to him shouting in my face.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" he yelled. I was surprised to say the least. I covered my ears in shock.

"What the hell?!" I yelled back as I put my hands down and closed the door behind me.

"Why the fuck would you do that?!"

"Do what?!" I shouted back. I was starting to get annoyed with Will. The first thing he did when I entered the room was yell my fucking ears off. And he didn't even bother to tell me why first.

Will sighed and rubbed his forehead before he replied. "Do you remember what you said when you told me that you fancied me?" he asked. I couldn't help, but blush at that.

"Uh, yeah, but what does that have to do with anything?" I asked awkwardly.

"You rejected Chris again," he said. I looked at him in shock.

"That's none of your business," I said, my blush instantly disappearing. I harshly brushed past him and walked over to my bed. He followed me and grabbed my wrist to face him. I winced in pain, but he didn't bother to let go or loosen his grip.

"It is my business. This involves me."

"And how the hell does this involve you?"

"Chris told me that the reason why you couldn't return his feelings was because you still liked me." I put my other hand to my forehead.

"This is between Chris and I," I said as I got out of Will's grip and walked towards the bathroom.

"No, this involves me also! You said you wouldn't interfere with Ann and I!" he yelled. I stopped in my tracks and turned around to face him.

"Yeah, and I won't!" I yelled back angrily. "Just because I fucking rejected Chris doesn't fucking mean I'm going to sabotage your relationship with your girlfriend! Do you think I'm stupid?!"

"Of course I do!"

"Well, you're a fucking asshole then! Just because I fucking like you, it doesn't mean I'd ruin everything! Gosh, you're such a dumb ass! Do you think I wanted to say that to him?! Did you think I wanted to... to break his heart?! I didn't! Do you have any idea how hard it is to just break his heart over and over again?! You don't! And it's for you! I'm breaking his heart for you!" I grunted in frustration as I ruffled my hair. "I want these feelings to die as much as you do, so just shut the fuck up!" I screamed one last time before I stormed off into the bathroom.

As soon as the door was closed, I slid down the door and started to cry silently. I didn't want these feelings anymore. I didn't want to fall for a prick in the first place, especially a taken prick. I clutched my chest in pain. I slowly staggered to stand up. I placed my palms on the counter to support myself. I opened the drawer and reached for that all too familiar razor blade taped against the back panel of the drawer. I took a deep breath and swiped the blade across my wrist quickly. I let go of that breath in relief. I felt so much better.

I quickly bandaged my wrist and put the blade away before I leaned against the counter. I stared down at my wrist and realized that that the last time I cut myself was just the other day. These sessions were getting more and more frequent the more stress was piled onto me. I sighed as I brought my eyes up to the door. I didn't want to leave the bathroom just yet. I didn't want to leave and go out and face Will. What was I supposed to say or do?

After a good twenty minutes or so, I finally decided to leave the bathroom. I hesitantly put my hand on the doorknob and slowly turned it. I poked my head out the door and found Will lying down on his bed, his laptop of his lap. I quietly left the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I ignored him as I sat on my bed and he ignored me back. And there we were again, back to square one.