The First Cut is the Deepest

When there was a knock on my room door the next day after school, I was surprised to find it was Chris. This whole day we hadn't talked to each other. He was ignoring me and I was ignoring him.

"Hi," Chris said as he looked at me.

"Hi," I replied as I leaned against the door. We avoided each other other's eyes and he shifted his feet awkwardly.

"May I come in?" he asked. I nodded slowly and opened the door wider for him to enter. I closed the door behind him before he spoke again. "Is Will here?" he asked. I tensed up at his name, but replied.

"No, he went out about an hour ago," I answered. He nodded as he glanced around the room. I watched him as he looked everywhere around the room, but at me.

"So..." I started. Chris finally looked at me, but it looked like he couldn't help himself as he glanced at my wrist first before he looked up at my face. I felt nervous when he looked at my wrist, so I causally hid it behind my back. "did you want to talk?" I asked. He slowly nodded as he took a seat on my bed. "About what?" I was scared to find out. He sighed before replying.

"About this," he said as he gestured to me.

"This?" I questioned as I looked down at my body. "What's wrong with this?" I asked, a little offended by the way he said it.

"You know what I mean, Nicole," he tried to say.

"No, I don't. What do you mean?" I asked in annoyance. If he was talking about my cutting, he could just go out and say it then.

"Nicole," he started as he rubbed his forehead. "can you just listen to me?" he asked as he looked up at me. I stuck my tongue in my cheek as I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Okay, fine," I said. "What?"

"Nicole, I'm going to be honest with you," he started. I gestured for him to continue. "Will isn't going to change." I widened my eyes in surprise.

"What?" I asked. What did he mean by that?

"Will isn't going to change," he repeated. "He's always going to be an arse and he'll always treat you like dirt. He'll never come to love you." I felt a stab in my chest. "Not like I do." I dropped my arms to my sides as I looked away from him and shifted my feet.

"Y-you're wrong," I started. I didn't even know what I was saying.

"How am I wrong?" he asked. "This is Will. I know Will. He's my best mate. And he's a complete arse," he finished.

"He could change," I said in a quiet voice. I watched as Chris rubbed his forehead again.

"Can't you just open your eyes, Nicole? Will isn't going to change."

"He will. He has!" I argued. As I thought about yesterday though, I couldn't help but cringe on the inside. Could I really vouch for Will when he was being a complete ass? Chris sighed. "I-i matter to him! And I'll prove it!" I sounded desperate, but I didn't care.

"Nicole, he has Annabella," he said exasperatedly. My jaw tightened.

"You think I don't know that?" I sneered at him as I narrowed my eyes.

"Then when will you learn?" he muttered as he stood up and walked towards me. He grabbed my wrist and I didn't bother to hide my gasp of pain. He quickly let go of my wrist and instead held onto my forearm, his other arm snaking around my waist, pulling me closer to him. "Why can't you understand?" he said as he leaned closer to me. "Will doesn't love you. I do." He sounded desperate. He leaned closer and I knew he was going to kiss me in any second if he kept going at this pace. I tried to turn my head away from him. Just as he was about to press his lips against mine, the door opened.

"What's going on in here?" Will asked, a shocked expression on his face. I took this chance to remove myself from Chris' grasp. I quickly wiped at my eyes. I didn't even realize I had started crying.

"Nothing," I quickly said once I composed myself. "Chris was just leaving," I said.

"It doesn't look like that to me," Will said rudely.

"Well, he was. Weren't you, Chris?" I looked towards him, gesturing with my eyebrows towards the door. His jaw tightened before he slowly nodded.

"Right," Chris said before he walked towards the door. "I'll see you lot later then," he said as he locked eyes with me before he left. As soon as he was gone, I sighed out in relief.

"What was all that about?" Will asked.

"None of your business," I said, ending the conversation. Will didn't say anything, but just held his hands up as if to say 'Whatever you say'.

I walked to the bathroom and locked myself in there. I fell to the ground, bringing my knees up my chest. I wiped at the stray tears on my face. I shouldn't have been crying. I was crying way too often nowadays and I did not like it. I took deep breaths as I wrapped my arms around my legs.

What the hell just happened?

I thought as I replayed what happened over and over in my head. Not only did Chris try to kiss me, but how was I supposed to prove to him that I mattered to Will? More importantly, how was I supposed to prove to myself that I mattered to Will? Will and I were right back to square one. And when he spoke to me when Chris was there, that was the first time we had spoken to each other since our fight yesterday. I clutched my head as I continued to take deep breaths.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when I heard the faint sound of my text message alert from my cell phone from the room. I quickly stood up and fixed myself before I left the bathroom. I grabbed my cell phone that was on my bed and read the name that flashed across the screen. Instead of texting Erin back, I decided to just call her. I dialed her number and after two rings, she picked up.

"Hello?" Erin asked from the other end.

"Hi," I said quietly as I grabbed my key card and made my way out of the room. I headed towards the elevator as she replied.

"What's up?" she asked in a cheery voice.

"I don't know what to do," I said as I got into the elevator and pressed the button for the ground level.

"Oh no. What happened now?" Erin asked in a concerned voice. I proceeded to tell her what just happened between Chris, Will and I. She listened to what I had to say with saying her input every so often. "So..." she started when I finished telling her what had happened. "This is a dilemma," she said. I nodded, but realized she couldn't see me.

"Yeah," I said. "I mean, how am I supposed to prove that I matter to Will?" I asked as I ruffled my hair. I was in the cafeteria by now, sitting at one of the many tables.

"Why don't you just ask him?" she asked. My mouth fell open.

"Are you crazy?!" I asked loudly. My voice boomed in the empty cafeteria. "Why would I do that?"

"I don't know," Erin said quietly. "Maybe something good will come out of it. You never know. And you don't have to just bluntly ask him. Try to discreetly bring it into the conversation or something. I don't know," she said and I could tell she was probably shrugging.

"And how am I supposed to do that if we aren't talking right now?"

"Well, you're gonna have to start talking to him again."

"I don't want to have to make the first move to talk to him. I'm always the one to do that. He should go and try to talk to me first. I shouldn't have to do it," I said as I tapped my key card against the table.

"Nicole, do you want to find out if you matter to Will or not?" Erin asked me seriously.

"Well, of course, but-" I started.

"Then just talk to him!" she interrupted me. "Okay, I got to go. My phone bill is going to be so high, because of you..." she muttered. "Bye!" she said loudly.

"Fine, bye," I replied before I hung up the phone.

I continued to sit at the table, tapping my key card against the table top. I sat there for a good fifteen minutes, before I finally sighed and got up. I made my way back to the room and when I got there, I found Will sitting down on the couch, watching TV.

"Where'd you go?" he asked when I entered the room.

"Out," I replied simply as I closed the door behind me. I got to my bed and sat down.

Wait, did Will just talk to me first?





I was mad at the yankee. I really was. I couldn't help myself though as I talked to her. I told myself to not talk to her - I forced myself to not talk to her - but I couldn't help it. The words flowed out of my mouth before I could stop them. I didn't want to be the first one to break the silence between us. That should have been her job. I mean, she had been doing it this whole time. What was one more time for her?

It seemed as if our roles had been reversed. I was the one trying to talk to her while she was the one who replied in short answers. There must be something with us. There just had to be. It would explain all of this.

I shrugged off her short answer and continued watching the telly. I wasn't really paying attention to what was on though. My mind kept drifting off as well as my eyes. They just kept drifting over at the yankee. She was once again sitting on her bed, staring into space. At one point though, we made eye contact with each other, but we both turned away quickly.

I ran my fingers through my hair and tried to focus back on the telly again.





I sat on my bed, trying to figure out how to ask Will if I mattered to him. While I was staring into space though, trying to think of a way, it felt like eyes were burning into my side. I glanced over at Will and we made eye contact. We both looked away from each other, him focusing back on the TV, while I tried to look at anything else other than him. What the hell was that?

When it was about time for me to go to bed, I still hadn't thought of how to ask Will. I was already in my bed, lying on my side, my back facing the bathroom. I heard the slight shuffling of bed sheets from Will's side and then a small sigh escape from him. For a good twenty minutes, I couldn't fall asleep and from the constant shuffling from Will's side, he obviously couldn't fall asleep either.

And then I finally thought of how to ask Will if I mattered to him. I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling for a few seconds before I spoke up.

"Will?" I asked softly.

"What?" he spat.

"If... Annabella suddenly disappeared, what would you do?" I asked him.

"What?" he asked softer this time.

"If Annabella suddenly disappeared, what would you do?" I repeated for him.

"Like died or something?" he asked me. I shrugged.

"Sure. Or something along those lines."

"Well, I would be sad, of course."

"Is that all?" I asked.

"No, that's not all. I would be angry as well. I'd regret not seeing her again. Hell, I might even cry." I smiled at that. William Harper crying. That was a sight to see. "I probably couldn't live without her." And then I cringed inside. "I'd hate myself for losing her. Not seeing her again, I would die inside. I probably wouldn't do anything. I'd sulk all the same. I wouldn't talk to anyone. Everything would remind me of her. I might never move on and find someone else to be with."

"Oh..." I said. "You're committed to her, huh?"

"Of course."

"Now, what if it was your friends or something? Like Chris?"

"I don't know about that. I'm probably going to be sad and angry, hate myself for neglecting them sometimes."

"Hmm... How about if it was me?" I asked him. Discreetly, huh, Erin? I was going to prove to Chris that I mattered to Will. If not prove it to Chris, then prove it to myself. He was silent for a moment before he finally answered.

"I'd... be happy," he stated simply. "If you weren't here, Ann would be in this room right now, not you."

"I see..." I turned around in my bed. "Goodnight," I said. I was glad my voice didn't crack.

"Goodnight then..." he replied. I heard the ruffling of his sheets.

He said it. He honestly said it. He would be happy if I disappeared. I guess I was wrong. I didn't matter to Will. I felt my tears run down my face. I cried silently, muffling whatever I could with my pillow.





What the bloody hell just happened there? What was with those sudden questions? I knew eventually the yankee would talk to me first, but I didn't think she would ask me those questions to begin with. I didn't know what to say when she asked about herself. I could only say that I was happy. To be honest, a part of me would be happy. I would have Ann here with me now instead of the yankee. And then there was that other part of me that I wanted to kill and bury that would actually be... sad if the yankee was gone. There was no way in hell though I would tell her that. I was still pissed at her for what was happening with Chris.

I ran my fingers through my hair as I thought through what I said. I really was an arsehole.





When the next morning rolled around, I kept thinking about what I asked Will yesterday. Normally I would have come up with a witty response, but I couldn't form any coherent sentences in my head. I could only cry and be so fucking useless and defenseless. As I was getting ready for school, I noted that my eyes were swollen once again. I sighed and continued getting ready. Stupid Will was the reason for this damn swelling.

After I finished getting ready, I poured some ice into a sandwich bag to make myself an ice pack. I placed it on my eyes to get the swelling down.

"What are you doing?" Will asked me as he walked into the kitchen.

"My eyes are swollen," I replied simply.

"Why?" he asked. I shrugged.

"I don't know. I woke up and they were swollen," I lied. He didn't need to know I cried myself to sleep because of what he said last night.

"Oh," he said as he grabbed a water bottle from the fridge. So now we were talking? I didn't think more about it though as I continued to ice my eyes. After about fifteen minutes, the swelling had gone down. I decided to skip on the make-up today. My eyes were still a little bit swollen and I didn't want to even attempt to put make-up on my slightly swollen eyelids. Right as I was about to grab my shoes, Will was already at the door with his bag. "See you in class," he said before he opened the door.

"Huh? Oh yeah. See you later," I replied. Will nodded as he closed the door behind him. I was surprised to say the least. I wasn't expecting him to say that. I mean, he never said it to me before and I didn't think he would start to say it to me now, especially with how things were with us now.

I tried to brush it off though as I put on my shoes. Before leaving the room, I glanced at the calendar in my wardrobe. I felt like I was forgetting something important today. I looked at the calendar and noticed that the date today was marked. I read the little note that I wrote beneath the date.

First rugby game today!

It had read. I had almost forgotten about that. I grabbed my bag, cell phone, camera, and key card before I left the room.





We had our first rugby game today right after school. I wasn't really worried about it seeing as I knew that this team that we were playing against wasn't that good compared to my team. When after school rolled around, I grabbed my rugby things and the whole team and I changed into our uniforms in the locker room. I led the team to the field with Chris right by my side.

"Ready?" I asked Chris as I held out my fist for him. He nodded before he replied.

"Ready," he repeated as he tapped his own fist against mine.

We started the game and everything was going fine so far. Halfway through the first forty minutes of the game and everyone already had dirt on their jerseys. If they didn't have dirt on their jerseys, they weren't really playing. Rugby was a tough game and a contact sport. Dirt was bound to get on you.

I took a quick glance at the bleachers at everyone, but I wasn't exactly sure what I was looking for. After searching for a few more seconds, I made eye contact with a certain pair of eyes. I locked eyes with her for a few seconds before I focused back to the game. I shook my head to get those eyes out of my head. I shouldn't have been thinking about her at a time like this. I needed to focus on this game.

I couldn't help myself though. Every chance I got during the game, my eyes would wonder back over to those damn brown eyes. I ran my fingers through my hair. I was a terrible boyfriend, because my own girlfriend's eyes were dark blue and not once did I glance at her. Why did my eyes always drift over to the yankee's brown ones?



When the game finally ended, I was glad it was over. We had won, but it came with a price as my muscles were sore and my body was filthy with dirt and grass stains. The whole team and I had a small huddle after the game and had a little cheer for our victory. It was a great start for the season. I grabbed my things and took a shower in the locker room before I changed into spare clothes and met Ann in her room. When I got there, I was surprised to find her opening the door with an angry expression on her face.

"What's wrong?" I asked cautiously as I stepped into the room. I hadn't dropped by my room yet, so I had my gym bag still over my shoulder. I dropped the bag onto the floor near the door as I entered her room. Ann just continued to glare at me. "What did I do?" I asked as I closed the door behind me. I took a quick glance around the room and noticed that her roommate wasn't in.

"It's what you didn't do," Ann finally said. I looked at her in confusion.

"What did I not do then?" I asked. She scowled at me as her eyes narrowed even more.

"Not once during the game did you even glance at me," she finally said. I felt my face drop before I quickly tried to cover it up.

"Baby, I got to focus on the game, you know that. I can't be looking at you the whole time."

"I understand that. You say that you can't be looking at me the whole time, but you were clearly looking at someone else the whole time!" she exclaimed as she threw her hands up in the air. Ah, shit. Did she know I was looking at the yankee? "I don't know who you were looking at, but I didn't like it." I left out a breath of relief I didn't know I was holding.

"Baby, that's nothing to worry abo-" I started, but Ann cut me off.

"No, Will," she said as she sat on her bed. "Are your eyes straying?" she asked me seriously. I looked at her in shock.

"What?" I asked.

"Are your eyes straying?" she repeated. "Are you looking at other girls or do you want to date other girls-" she started, but this time, I cut her off.

"What are you talking about? Why would I ever want that?" I questioned her as I sat down next to her. I reached for her hand, but she pulled it out of my reach.

"You've become distant, Will. And I don't like it," she said honestly.

"It's school," I lied.

"Don't fucking lie to me," Ann said as she stood up. "That's a bullshit excuse," she said bitterly. "Will, be honest with me. Is there someone else you have feelings for?" I wish I could have answered quickly and told her no. I lied to her once though and if I risked another lie to her, I don't know what would have happened. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out, so I quickly shut it. Ann saw this and she pursed her lips before she spoke up. "Get out," she said.

"Baby-"

"Don't 'baby' me! Get the fuck out!" she yelled and walked towards the door. I followed her so she wouldn't have to dig her nails into my arm and drag me out of there herself.

"Let's talk about this!" I pleaded while she opened the door.

"We'll talk about this when you get your 'feelings' in order," she said with air quotes and walked me out of the room. She picked up my gym bag and tossed it into my arms. "Until then, don't even bother coming around here," she said as she shut the door on my face. I stared at the door in shock. What the fuck just happened?

I put the strap of my bag over my shoulder as I walked down the hall to the lift. I played over what just happened and the more I thought about it, the more I got mad. I angrily pushed the button for my floor, silently fuming.





After the rugby game ended, I went straight to my room. Everyone else that went to the game was either hanging out by the field or in the dorm lobby, talking about it. I didn't bother to try to get in on that though. I just wanted to relax and watch TV. When I got to the room, I tossed my bag on my bed and flopped onto the couch, my camera bouncing harshly against my stomach.

"Ow..." I muttered to myself as I took the camera off from around my neck and held it in my hand. With my other hand, I grabbed the remote from the coffee table and turned on the TV. I settled on a random channel and then turned on my camera to look at the pictures.

I wasn't surprised to find a lot of shots of Will. The camera would always just gravitate towards him and my damn finger would always press the damn shutter button. I turned off the camera and placed it on the coffee table next to me. I readjusted my sprawled body and stared up at the ceiling. I didn't know if it was all in my head or not, but as I thought back to the game, I swore that Will looked at me every chance he got. That couldn't have been right though. Why would Will do that? There was no reason for him to do that. It really must have been just all in my head.

I couldn't shake the image of his hazel eyes out of my mind though. I was so surprised the first time he looked at me that I almost dropped my camera if it wasn't for the strap that was around my neck. I thought he would be looking at Annabella, but no. It seemed like he was looking straight at me. I didn't think more of it though as the door flew open, surprising me so much that I fell onto the floor with a loud squeal and thud. I quickly picked myself up and composed myself as Will came storming into the room. He shut the door loudly behind him as he made his way to his bed and threw his gym bag and key card angrily to the ground in front of him.

"Whoa, Will! Angry much?" I questioned.

"Shut the fuck up!" he yelled at me. I held up my hands defensively.

"I'm sorry. Jeez..." I said as I sat back down on the couch and noticed that his hair was slightly damp and that he was changed into a clean pair of clothes. I shrugged it off as I turned back to the TV.

"Seriously, what is wrong with you girls?!" he suddenly yelled after a few minutes. I jumped slightly when he spoke.

"Uh... Did you get in a fight with Annabella?" I asked. That was the only possible conclusion I could come up with.

"No!" he said defensively. After a moment or two, he spoke up again. "Okay, yeah, maybe," he said as he started to pace the room. "It's just...Why can't you just trust us?" It seemed as if he asked that question more to himself than to me.

"What did you do?" I asked innocently.

"I didn't do anything!" he yelled.

"Okay, okay," I said as I turned off the TV and stood up. "I'm not saying this to get you mad, but you must have done something wrong if you guys got into a fight and she doesn't trust you."

"I didn't do anything though!"

"Well, she must think you did something to piss her off. Did you cheat on her?" I asked him seriously. Will gave me this look as if to say, 'Really? You think I would cheat on her? You must be stupid.' "Okay, maybe you didn't."

"Maybe?!" he questioned loudly.

"Anyway," I started as I ignored his question. "did you try asking her why she was mad at you?"

"Yeah, but it was completely absurd, so I tried telling her that. She wouldn't listen to me though," he said before he took a quick glance at me and then shook his head. I looked at him in confusion, but didn't ask him about it.

"You should just let her cool off then," I suggested. "And while you wait for her to cool off, because that could be days from now, let's go out tonight."

"You and I going out tonight? This must be a pretty big fight for Ann and I..."

"Oh, shut it. Do you want to go out to forget your fight or not?" I snapped. I saw a look of contemplation flash across his face before he finally spoke up.

"Okay, fine," he said.

"Good! I was in need of alcohol in my body!" I exclaimed. I wasn't lying when I said that. I needed to get my mind off what happened yesterday. And even though going out drinking with Will was probably the worst possible idea ever in the history of the universe, I couldn't care less at the moment. Chris and I weren't exactly on good terms right now and to me, it seemed as if Will and I were on better terms despite the situation. "Alright, let's go then!" I said loudly as I got up and grabbed a small purse from my wardrobe.

"You want to go right now?" Will asked. I stopped putting my essentials in my purse and looked up at him.

"Well, yeah. It's nearly seven. We don't want to be out too late, right?" I asked. He shrugged before he replied.

"Yeah, I guess..." he trailed off.

"I assume we're talking a cab since we'll both be drinking, right?" I asked. Will nodded. "Alright, let's go," I said. I grabbed my key card while Will picked his off the floor. We walked to the elevator and left the school campus. We hailed down a cab and we were soon on our way to a pub.



After a few hours and a hefty amount of alcohol later, we got a cab to bring us back to campus. Will was plastered. I, on the other hand, wasn't completely drunk, but I wasn't exactly on just the tipsy side either. We both stumbled into our room, giggling uncontrollably at something that probably wasn't even funny. Will kicked the door closed after we were both inside. I ran and flopped onto my bed, completely forgetting that my bag was there. I groaned in pain and pushed it off my bed. I rolled over facing the ceiling and started giggling. Not even a minute later, I felt my bed sink a bit. I glanced to the right of me and saw Will there. If I wasn't a bit drunk, I would have freaked out and pushed him off my bed, because him being on my bed was just weird. Since I was a bit drunk though, I didn't do that. Instead, I looked over at him and started speaking.

"Did you know that..." I started, but I couldn't finish my sentence, because Will started laughing again. As if I could finish that sentence anyway. I didn't even know where I was going with that. "Why are you laughing?" I asked as I started to laugh myself.

"I don't even know!" he said through gasps of laughter. And so we laughed over nothing for a good minute or two.

After we both calmed down, I sighed. I was actually having fun. I felt completely relaxed and I didn't let any of the drama between Will and I affect this moment. I looked over at Will again and he had a curious look on his face.

"What?" I asked. Will suddenly pinned me down to my bed and hovered above me. "Wha-" I started.

"What would you do if I kissed you?" he asked seriously. I choked on my own saliva.

"What?!" I gasped out.

"What would you do if I kissed you? Right now?" he said. I just stared up at him.

"I don't know, because you would never do it," I said. I felt my heartbeat quicken. Then Will started laughing again. Eventually, I started laughing with him again. He was so close that I could feel his chest rumble with his laughter. Yeah, of course he wouldn't kiss me. That would never happen. Right? As I continued to laugh though, I didn't realize that Will had already stopped laughing. I eventually stopped laughing as well and looked up at him. He had this weird look in his eyes. He couldn't possibly be thinking... Oh no. Gosh no. "Please don't-" I couldn't even finish my sentence. And it wasn't because I didn't know how to end it this time, because I knew exactly what I was going to say. I was going to tell him to not do this to me. Not now. Not when everything finally seemed to be getting back to normal. No though, he had to do it. He had to force those perfect, luscious lips onto mine.

And you know what? I couldn't stop him. Nor did I want to. So I kissed him back. His lips were soft and warm and it felt like they fit perfectly with mine. I felt both his hands capture my own and bring them both above my head. He then held both my wrists in one hand and I gasped at the slight pain. Will took this chance to stick his tongue in my mouth and rubbed it against my own. I quickly forgot about the pain as my attention was now on his tongue. I moaned at the sensation of it. Will's other hand was at my hip and soon, he wrapped his whole arm around my waist, bringing my body closer to his. I lightly tried to tug my hands out of his grasp. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair. I always wondered what it felt like. Will noticed the tugging and let go of my wrists and instead brought his hand to the back of my neck, tangling his fingers in my hair. I let my own fingers run through his hair and it was soft to the touch. I lightly ran my fingernails over his scalp and he let out a small moan as I did so.

That moan must have snapped Will out of it though, because he suddenly pulled away, leaving me wanting more. I let out a small whimper as the warmth of his body left my own. I suddenly realized what we were doing and I quickly let my hands drop from his head. Will had a horrified look on his face.

"I... I..." he stuttered. "This was a mistake," he said quickly, scrambling to get off me and my bed. It took me a few seconds to understand what he said. My heart was racing and thumping so loudly in my ears. As soon as I realized what he had said though, I felt a pang in my chest. Was it really a mistake though? Even if I didn't believe it was a mistake, I had to say it was.

"Yeah, of course it's a mistake." I felt my chest tighten with each word.

I should have listened to myself earlier. It really was a terrible idea to go drinking with Will. It was fun at first, but if I had known it would have ended like this, I wouldn't have gone out in the first place. Will was taken and I had a taste of him that I should have never had. I wanted more though. I wanted more of Will and I couldn't have it.