The First Cut is the Deepest

I couldn't believe we just did that. I couldn't believe I just did that. We sobered up pretty quickly after that, but I blamed the bloody alcohol for this. If it wasn't for the alcohol, I would have been in my right mind and never had made that stupid of a mistake. I thought back to why I even went out drinking in the first place. Ann and I just got into a fight, because she didn't trust me and thought that I was straying from her. Not only would there be hell to pay if she found out about this, this would also confirm her accusations. I really was a terrible boyfriend. I wouldn't be surprised if she broke up with me. Hell, I would break up with myself if I found out what happened.

I ran my fingers through my hair and then remembered the way the yankee ran her fingers through them. I grunted and ripped my hands away from my head. As soon as the yankee had agreed it was a mistake, I make a quick dash to the loo. It had been about half an hour since then and I still hadn't left the loo. How was I supposed to face her? What was I supposed to say? I paced the room as I ran my hands over my face.

After another ten minutes of doing this, I finally decided to leave the loo. I gripped the handle of the door and turned it. I found the yankee laying in her bed, her back facing me. It looked like she was already fast asleep. I sighed out in relief before I changed into a pair of sweatpants. I got into my bed and laid on my back, staring up at the ceiling. I honestly had no idea how I was going to go about this situation. So many things were running through my head that I couldn't even close my eyes to try to fall asleep.

I glanced over at the yankee and as soon as my eyes were on her, I couldn't tear them away. Her blanket had fallen lower on her body, so the top half of her body was exposed. She wore a white tank top to bed and from where I was laying, I saw she wasn't wearing a bra for I saw no straps.

I heard a low, quiet moan come from her before she rolled over in her bed and faced me. The blanket had readjusted and had now fallen below her waist to reveal her black boy shorts. I couldn't help myself as my eyes raked over her body. She was small and skinny, but she wasn't scary skinny. Even with being so small though, she still had a slight curve to her body.

I watched as she rolled over a bit from lying on her side to lying on her front side. Another small moan escaped from her lips as I watched her hips roll in her bed for a few seconds to get comfortable. When she stopped moving, I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding. I gulped when I remembered the feeling of my arm around that tiny waist of hers.

What the hell was the yankee doing to me?

I was startled to hear another moan. This one was deeper and louder, and sounded a lot closer than I expected. It took me a few seconds to realize that the moan came from me. I ran my fingers through my hair, tugging at the ends.

What the hell was happening to me?

It took everything in me to not just jump out of my bed and wake her up and take her right then. I groaned at the thought. What the fuck was I thinking? First, I snog her and now I want to shag her? There really was something wrong with me. Damn hormones.

I wiped at my face, hoping it would wipe away my dirty thoughts along with it. I looked up at the ceiling before I looked down at myself. I slowly and hesitantly lifted my blanket and looked down at the bottom half of my body.

"Fuck..." I cursed quietly. The yankee gave me a fucking stiffy! This was the second one she had given me! And this wasn't a measly, barely there stiffy like last time. This was a full on stiffy. I grunted as I threw my blanket off me. I quickly rushed into the loo, locking the door behind me. I undressed and hopped into the shower, full blasting it with ice cold water. It was one thing for the yankee to give me a stiffy, but it was an entirely different thing to act on it. Cold showers always helped with these types of problems.

As I let the cold water run over my body to calm me down, I leaned one hand against the wall as my other hand went up to my lips. I touched my bottom lip and tugged at it lightly as I thought about the yankee's lips on my own. I noted that they were a lot softer than I thought they would have been. I licked my lips before I realized what I was doing and quickly dropped my hand. I grunted as I ran my face under the cold water.





I woke up in the middle of the night to hear a door shut loudly. I groggily opened my eyes and glanced over at Will's bed. It was empty, his blanket thrown off to the floor by his bed. Shortly after, I heard the shower turn on. I glanced at the clock in confusion. It was almost two in the morning. Why in the hell would he shower now?

I shrugged it off though as I tried to go back to sleep. As I thought about what happened not too long ago though, I realized that I couldn't go back to sleep. I didn't even know how I managed to fall asleep the first time around. I had just kissed William Harper. And I liked it, a lot. I brought my hand up to my lips and lightly grazed my fingertips over them. It was weird to think that I kissed him. It gave my stomach a strange feeling. I was happy that it happened, but I was also filled with a dreadful feeling. The kiss was amazing and I loved the feel of Will's body against my own. He was with Annabella though and that was why I got that dreaded feeling. She was going to find out sometime and I didn't want to ruin her and Will's relationship. I really didn't.

I had to think of myself though too. I felt something in that kiss and I know I wasn't the only one. I know Will felt something. He wouldn't admit to it though. He had a girlfriend and he was supposed to hate me with every fiber of his being because I was his roommate while his own girlfriend wasn't. That kiss, that amazing kiss, triggered something within me. I wanted more of Will and I could never have it. Never in my life had someone infuriated and thrilled me to no end at the same time. And never in my life had I felt this way before with someone. Just at the mention of his name, I can feel my heart beat so fast as if my chest were to burst at any second. No one had ever been able to do that to me.

I tossed and turned in my bed, but suddenly stopped as I heard the bathroom door open. I stayed still with my eyes closed. I could feel the light from the bathroom on my eyelids, but soon the light was turned off. I heard the wardrobe door open and close before I heard rustling and then a sigh. I peeked an eye open and found Will lying on his bed, his back facing me. I closed my eyes and exhaled the breath I didn't realize I was holding.

These feelings that I had for Will, I never felt something like them before. And the more I thought about these feelings, the more I kept thinking that these feelings weren't merely just a like. This like felt... love. It sounded and felt absurd, but it was the only way to explain it. I didn't just like William Harper, I loved him. And I didn't know how to tell him that or if I should even tell him at all. I had never told someone I loved them before and I was beyond scared to tell him that. How was I supposed to ease into that?

As I thought back on it though, Will had never called me by my actual name. I swore that that one time where I nearly fell down the stairs, he said it. I could have been wrong though. Could I actually fall in love with someone who won't even call me by my own name?

I sighed as I rolled over in my bed. I forced my eyes close and tried to shut down all the thoughts running through my brain and tried to go back to sleep.



When morning rolled around, I couldn't help myself as I grabbed my laptop and emailed Erin what had happened. I had to tell someone. I mean, this was a big thing that happened. And not only did I want to tell Erin everything, I also wanted to tell Chris. We weren't exactly on good terms though right now, so I didn't know how that would work out. Plus, if I told him this, this would just break his heart all over again. He was my friend though and I felt that I needed to tell him.

While getting ready for school, Will and I not once acknowledged each other. If we had, I had a feeling we both wouldn't know what to do. So at the moment, it was better to ignore each other than face each other. Despite all those other times when I felt the need to clear the air between us, I thought right now, this was a better option.



Up until first period, everything was going fine with the whole ignoring each other. We were doing a pretty good job considering we sat next to each other. In the middle of class though, while the teacher was lecturing us on something that I wasn't even paying attention to, I saw movement from Will. I glanced at him and I noticed he was slumped in his chair, his right hand on the desk. He was lightly tapping his pencil against the desk and I noticed a bored expression on his face.

I leaned my elbow on the desk and rested my chin on my hand as I stared at his hand. As I continued to stare at his moving hand, I couldn't stop myself from remembering last night. I shut my eyes and remembered the feel on his warm, large hands on me and his soft lips on my own. I remembered the tingly feeling I got when he buried those same hands in my hair and pulled me closer to him. My eyes slowly fluttered open and I looked around the room.

I sighed as I slowly removed my hand from my chin and rubbed the back of my neck. I felt a blush creep onto my face at just the thought of it. And then I remembered he had a girlfriend. Then that feeling of ecstasy turned into guilt. Was I supposed to tell Annabella what happened or not? Maybe it would have been better if she heard it from Will, but was he even going to tell her? Should we even tell her in the first place?

I shut my eyes once again and cringed. This was such a problem. And keeping this all to myself was making me feel even worse. I needed someone to talk to. And the one person I wanted to talk to probably didn't want to talk to me at the moment. I had to give it a shot though.

So when first and second period ended and third period rolled along, I asked Chris if we could talk after school. He was hesitant at first, but he eventually said sure since he didn't have rugby practice today. I sighed in relief and waited for the school day to be over.





Nicole had asked me near the end of third period if we could talk later. To be honest, I didn't want to talk to her. It was simply because I didn't know what to say to her. She rejected me more than once already and it was starting to get to me. I cared a lot about her and I hated to see her blindly liking Will like that. He wasn't good for her and she needed to see this. He would only cause her pain. I told her that we could talk after school though. I said that we could meet on the bleachers near the field.

So when after school came by and as I made my way out to the field, I was getting a little nervous. After how things went with us the other day, I didn't know how I was supposed to face Nicole. We got into a little fight and then I almost kissed her. What was I supposed to say or do after that?

When I got to the bleachers, I noticed Nicole was already there. As I got closer, she looked up from staring at her feet and sent a small smile my way. I didn't know if it was in my head or not, but it seemed like that was a forced smile and it looked somewhat... sad.

"Hi," she said quietly as I sat down next to her, keeping a small distance between us.

"Hey," I replied. It was quiet for another few seconds before she spoke up again.

"I needed someone to talk to," she started as she fiddled with her fingers. "and you're the only person I can really talk to."

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked cautiously.

"Remember the other day when I said that I'd prove that I mattered to Will?" she said as she glanced at me. I nodded for her to continue. "I shouldn't have bothered."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I don't matter to him," she said simply.

"How do you know that?"

"I asked," she said as she leaned forward on her knees. "I asked him and he said he'd be happy if I was gone." I watched as she rubbed the back of her neck with one of her hands.

"I'm sorry," I said. It was the only thing I could think of.

"But you're going to hate me for what I'm going to say next."

"This is starting to sound all too familiar," I said, referring to the time she told me she liked Will. I let out a small chuckle to lighten the mood, but she didn't even bother to crack a smile and spoke up instead.

"Chris," she started. "I'm serious." My smile dropped before she continued. "Yesterday," she said as she started fiddling with her fingers again. "Will, he, um. Will kissed me yesterday," she said as she looked me straight in the eyes. I was shocked to say the least. "And I kissed him back," she said. I felt a pang run through my chest. She must have seen a flash of hurt run through my face because she started speaking again. "But he said it was a mistake," she said quickly.

"What do you expect me to say to that?" I asked. I think it came out a bit harsher than we both expected, because her eyes widened for a second before they went back to normal.

"I," she started to say. "I don't what I was expecting you to say. I just felt that you needed to know."

"Why would I need to know that?" I asked. This time, I meant for it to sound harsh. I was pissed and hurt and I wanted her to know that. I stood up and started to make my way down the bleachers.

"Chris!" Nicole called, but I didn't bother to turn around. "Chris, I wanted to tell you, because you're my best friend!" There was a crack in her voice and that was what made me turn around. I found her standing up, tears falling from her eyes. "You're my best friend, Chris. And you're supposed to tell your best friend everything," she said as she used the back of her hand to wipe away her tears. This was the first time she had ever called me her best friend. I let my eyes soften as I looked at her. She looked so sad and so broken. "You're my best friend and you're supposed to be there for me when I'm going through hard times. We're supposed to be there for each other," she said before she fell back onto the bleachers. I watched as she broke down into more tears.

I couldn't control my legs as they walked back up those bleachers and sat down next to Nicole. I couldn't control my arms either as they wrapped around her small body. I pulled her into me and I felt her body wrack with sobs as she continued to cry.

"You're right," I said softly. "Best friends are supposed to be there for each other," I said quietly as I leaned my chin on top of her head.

"He said he'd be happy if I was gone and th-then he kissed me," she babbled through sobs. "Then he said it was a mistake," she continued. I gently rubbed her back with one hand and rested my other hand on her head.

"Shh, shh..." I started. "It's alright. I'm here." I took a deep breath before I spoke up again. "That's what best friends are for," I finally said as I shut my eyes. And at that moment, I knew that that was all we were ever going to be. We were just best friends. We were never going to be anything more or less than that.





I was currently in my room after school, mulling everything over. I didn't know how the yankee was holding up, but I wasn't doing so great. I felt so guilty that I couldn't even look at Ann. I think at the moment though anyway, she wouldn't want me to look at her. We weren't on good terms and I didn't know how long that would last. Not only that though, Ann was actually the last person I wanted to talk to about this. If I did talk to her about this, it would completely ruin what we had. We had been together for years and never in all those years had I fucked up this bad. I wasn't exactly willing to throw everything we had down the drain for the damn yankee. Since I had been with Ann for all these years, it was all I knew. I didn't want to mess this up, because it was good what we had. Why would I mess up something that was good?

I rubbed my hands over my face as I sat down on my bed. I sighed before I pulled out my mobile. I searched through my contacts until I reached Chris' number. I rang him, but he didn't pick up and the call went to voicemail instead. I grunted in frustration and left him a message instead, asking if we could talk. I didn't get a reply until about an hour later. He texted me and told me to meet him at his room in about fifteen minutes. To pass the time, I watched a little telly before I left my room.

As I waited for the lift, I looked up at the floor numbers. Once the floor number hit my floor, I watched as the doors opened. I was surprised to see the yankee in the lift. I think she was just as surprised as me as I saw her eyes widen. We stood there for a few seconds just staring at each other. And before the yankee turned away and walked briskly past me, I noticed her bloodshot eyes. I entered the lift and quickly pressed the button to close the lift doors. As soon as the lift doors were closed, I breathed out a sigh of relief.

It had been awhile since I really spoke to Chris. The yankee seemed to be getting all his attention nowadays. He was my best mate though and I needed someone to talk to. When I got to his room, I took a deep breath before I knocked on the door.





There was a knock on my door and I assumed it was Will. I opened the door and I was right.

"Hey, Will," I started. "Come in," I said as I opened the door wider for him. He entered while he patted me on my shoulder.

"Hey, Chris," he said.

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked. I noticed Will looking around the room. "My roommate isn't in, so you can speak freely." I could see him visibly relax.

"Where do I even begin?" he started. He sat on the couch and held his head in his hands. I thought Nicole was the only one broken, but it looked like Will was broken also. He rubbed his hand over his mouth before he spoke. "I did something I really shouldn't have done," he paused before he started again. "I kissed the yankee," he suddenly blurted out. He looked up at me and saw my facial expression. "You're not surprised," he stated, not questioned.

"You're right," I replied simply as I sat down next to him.

"You already know," he said as he nodded his head in understanding. "The yankee told you already." I nodded my head in response. "Figured. Of course she'd get to you first. You must hate me now."

"I don't hate you, Will," I said. "Although you did pull a huge dick move." Will chuckled.

"Yeah, I did," he replied. It was quiet for a few seconds before I spoke up.

"What about Annabella?" I asked. He grunted as he ran his hands over his face and leaned his forearms on his thighs.

"I don't know," he replied.

"Are you going to tell her?"

"I don't know," Will repeated

"Well," I started. "may I ask you a question?"

"What?"

"Do you like Nicole?" I watched him as his whole body tensed up.

"I," he started. "I don't know," he said quietly. And as I looked at him, it really did look like he didn't know.

"She likes you a lot, Will." I leaned forward on my knees like him and faced him.

"I know," he said as he ran his hands over his face. "I know that. Everything is just so bloody fucked up now..." he trailed off.

"Listen, Will," I started. "you're my best mate and I'm going to be honest with you. Nicole is a nice girl. She's pretty, she's smart, and she somehow puts up with your bad attitude. I don't know how Annabella can deal with it and I have absolutely no idea how I deal with it." He let out a chuckle at that. "And with that said about Nicole," I continued. "she doesn't deserve the shit you give her. Not a lot of people can put up with you and she somehow manages that. Not only that, but she also managed to actually come to like you despite that attitude of yours. And even though you treat her like shit, she still likes you. I don't know why she's doing this to herself, but she should stop it."

"Why are you telling me this? Shouldn't you be telling her this?" he asked.

"I already did," I said. "And I'm telling you this because you have to make a decision about her now," I finished.

"A decision?" he asked as he looked at me in confusion.

"Yeah, a decision," I said. "She's a great girl, Will. And you constantly fail to acknowledge that fact. She doesn't deserve to like you and you don't deserve her feelings. And I don't know if you have feelings for her or not, but with what you did with her, it really does seem as if you do. And she really seems to believe that you like her back. So you have two options."

"And what's that?"

"If you have feelings for Nicole, you tell her that. You tell her that you like her and you work this out with Annabella and Nicole. And see who you really want to be with."

"And what's option number two?" he asked.

"If you don't have feelings for Nicole, you tell her that. You're going to let her down gently, because she's a sensitive girl. And maybe, she will finally stop pointlessly liking you and finally get some closure. But at least, she can now know your feelings and let you go. With whichever option you pick though, you're going to fix this mess. And maybe, just maybe, no one gets hurt too badly in the end," I ended with a sigh. I leaned back on the couch as Will continued sitting in his position. It was silent for a few minutes before he spoke up.

"You trying to be a therapist, Chris?" Will asked as he leaned back. I let out a chuckle and shrugged.

"I don't know. Do you think I'm any good?" I asked. He patted my shoulder before he replied.

"Yeah, you're good," he said simply. I nodded at him.





I was quite surprised to see Will when I got out of the elevator. I couldn't think of what to say to him and I was sure it was the same for him. So I brushed past him and quickly walked down the hall into our room. As soon as the door was closed behind me, I leaned against it and took a deep breath. I didn't know how I was supposed to act around him anymore. Not only did Will kiss me, but I also realized that I, Nicole Greene, was actually in love with him.

I thought back to my conversation with Chris as I sat down on the couch. After I practically cried my eyes out to him, Chris and I spoke for a bit. He was mostly telling me to stop liking Will, because it wasn't healthy for me. And that if I was cutting for him, I should really stop liking him. I told him though that it wasn't so easy. It really wasn't. I simply couldn't erase all the feelings I had for Will overnight. I knew from experience that it took time to get over someone. And I also knew from experience that my feelings for Will were real and that they weren't going to leave anytime soon. I couldn't possibly tell Chris though that I loved Will. Not yet anyway. I wasn't prepared to let Chris know that and I definitely wasn't prepared to let Will know that either.

I wanted to tell Will that I loved him though. I really did.





I didn't get back to my room until late that night. I asked Chris if I could waste some time in his room, so I could avoid the yankee a bit longer to think things through. He said that was fine and that we could catch up. We just ended up watching telly and playing video games. It felt good to hang out with him though.

When I got to the room, the yankee was already asleep and tucked into her bed. I sat on my bed and leaned on my forearms, facing the yankee. What Chris said really got me thinking earlier. I was caught so off guard by his question if I liked the yankee. I mean, that was absolutely absurd. There was no way in hell that I could possibly like the yankee like that. She wasn't even that pretty!

Okay, that was a small lie. I admit, the yankee was actually a little, teeny bit pretty. Never would I ever tell her that to her face though. Or even voice that to anyone for that matter. Her looks though weren't everything. Sure, she was pretty, but that didn't mean that I liked her. She was annoying and sarcastic and she got under my skin. You're not supposed to like someone that pissed you off to no end.

And you're also not supposed to kiss someone if you didn't like them like that, especially if you had a girlfriend of your own.

I cringed at the thought and tossed myself back onto my bed. I ran my fingers through my hair, clutching at my head. This wasn't like me. I didn't just go around kissing people that I didn't like, even if I was single. And the only logical reason as to why I would ever kiss someone would be if I liked them or had some sort of feelings for the person. I couldn't possibly like or have feelings for the yankee though, right? Right? I clutched at my head harder.

"Oh, fuck me sideways..." I muttered to myself.





On the following Monday, I got an email back from Erin. What it said honestly shocked me.

Hey, Nicole!

So that's some pretty deep shit you've gotten yourself into. Don't worry though. Your best friend, Erin, is gonna be there for you. The school gave us like two weeks off, because of cut backs and shit. I don't even know. But it's no school, right? So I asked my mom if I could visit and she said she would pay for my plane ticket and all my expenses. Can you believe that? I only had to sell my soul to her. You know how it is with my mom.

Anyways, I'll be flying in this week on Sunday. I'll let you know what time I'll land. You think you could pick me up at the airport when I get there? I don't want to get lost in a foreign place.

Love, Erin.

I had to reread the message over three times before it finally sank it. And when it did, I couldn't stop the huge grin that plastered itself across my face. I quickly typed up a reply to her, telling her that I would gladly pick her up and that I was excited for her arrival. I also jokingly said that now she can hear me bitch and moan about my problems in person, even though I was kind of serious about that.

I closed my laptop after I replied to her. I bit my bottom lip as I thought about Erin coming to visit. And after thinking about it more, I realized that she was going to have to meet Will some time or another. My grin was instantly wiped off my face. She would also suspect that I started cutting again. And when she meets Will, she would put two and two together and realize what was really going on. And that alone freaked me out.