Sequel: I'll Never Look Back. ›
Ouch. I Think I Love You.
That's What You Get When You Let Your Heart Win.
It's just the two of us walking home together today.
I guess I should be thankful, I've been waiting for this all week, a chance to talk, to get thinks sorted out.
So why do I feel terrified that something really, really bad is going to happen? I think I'm just tired, it's been a long week, and I've been stressed out.
We get to the bottom of the hill, and I'm already feeling guilty about snapping at him.
He's been avoiding my hand all day, so I will get to the bottom of this.
"Caitlin-" He breaks off, but before he even begins I know what will happen. This whole week makes sense ina sudden, petrifying wave of cold. I'm sure I shiver, even though it's boiling hot.
(Please don't, please don't, please don't.)
"What?" I manage to croak. We're standing at the place we have said goodbye to each other from for five days a week for nearly seven months. But it's different now, it's more final. A sudden, stupid glimmer of hope lights inside of me. Maybe he's moving. He's not doing what I think he's doing.
"There's no easy way to say this, but.." He can't finish.
"I think I can see where this is going, Alex."
"You can?" He doesn't believe me. I've been stomped on before, you know. Just never this painfully.
"Yes. Why?" I start tearing up then. I bite my lip which works momentarily.
"Caitlin, exam's are coming up, and I really need to concentrate. I'm sorry, but you know how much pressure I'm under."
I let go, then, I just let tears run freely down my face, but still I turn away, not wanting him to see what he's doing to me.
He's shocked.
"I'm not that good. Not good enough for you to cry over me like this."
"You're the best damn thing that's happened to me since I moved here, Alex." I apologise, not wanting to make him feel guiltier.
"I still want to be friends with you, but I can't be WITH you. I'm so sorry."
I turn around, only to be enveloped by his protecting arms that I have yearned for all week. This is the Alex I need, the one who loves me, who throws stones at my windows and makes me smile with his pure perfection.
This is who I need.
I wrap my arms around him, sobbing uncontrallably into his chest.
I pull away, realising how dangerous this is.
"I've got to go, I'll see you tomorrow."
And so I go.
He doesn't even try to stop me.
The enitre way home, I burst into fresh tears of sheer pain, the little droplets never pausing to flow from my unseeing eyes. Oh, God, this hurts so much, why did I let myself fall for him? This is why I didn't want to fall in love. It seems to get better when I'm numb. But it makes it more dangerous then, because I fool myself that I'll be okay, and then I do it again, I fall helplessly in love. And then I crash when they end it. And I endure months of bitter tears, and arguments with my family, all because I'm stupid enough to let my heart win.
Again.
This is going to be too hard.
I love him too much for my own good.
And he's too cruel for his.
I guess I should be thankful, I've been waiting for this all week, a chance to talk, to get thinks sorted out.
So why do I feel terrified that something really, really bad is going to happen? I think I'm just tired, it's been a long week, and I've been stressed out.
We get to the bottom of the hill, and I'm already feeling guilty about snapping at him.
He's been avoiding my hand all day, so I will get to the bottom of this.
"Caitlin-" He breaks off, but before he even begins I know what will happen. This whole week makes sense ina sudden, petrifying wave of cold. I'm sure I shiver, even though it's boiling hot.
(Please don't, please don't, please don't.)
"What?" I manage to croak. We're standing at the place we have said goodbye to each other from for five days a week for nearly seven months. But it's different now, it's more final. A sudden, stupid glimmer of hope lights inside of me. Maybe he's moving. He's not doing what I think he's doing.
"There's no easy way to say this, but.." He can't finish.
"I think I can see where this is going, Alex."
"You can?" He doesn't believe me. I've been stomped on before, you know. Just never this painfully.
"Yes. Why?" I start tearing up then. I bite my lip which works momentarily.
"Caitlin, exam's are coming up, and I really need to concentrate. I'm sorry, but you know how much pressure I'm under."
I let go, then, I just let tears run freely down my face, but still I turn away, not wanting him to see what he's doing to me.
He's shocked.
"I'm not that good. Not good enough for you to cry over me like this."
"You're the best damn thing that's happened to me since I moved here, Alex." I apologise, not wanting to make him feel guiltier.
"I still want to be friends with you, but I can't be WITH you. I'm so sorry."
I turn around, only to be enveloped by his protecting arms that I have yearned for all week. This is the Alex I need, the one who loves me, who throws stones at my windows and makes me smile with his pure perfection.
This is who I need.
I wrap my arms around him, sobbing uncontrallably into his chest.
I pull away, realising how dangerous this is.
"I've got to go, I'll see you tomorrow."
And so I go.
He doesn't even try to stop me.
The enitre way home, I burst into fresh tears of sheer pain, the little droplets never pausing to flow from my unseeing eyes. Oh, God, this hurts so much, why did I let myself fall for him? This is why I didn't want to fall in love. It seems to get better when I'm numb. But it makes it more dangerous then, because I fool myself that I'll be okay, and then I do it again, I fall helplessly in love. And then I crash when they end it. And I endure months of bitter tears, and arguments with my family, all because I'm stupid enough to let my heart win.
Again.
This is going to be too hard.
I love him too much for my own good.
And he's too cruel for his.