Look for the Girl With the Broken Smile

SJ couldn’t believe what she had just said. “Dougie…I didn’t mean it…”

“No.” His voice was unexpectedly forceful. “Please—just don’t—”

They both stood silently in the dark for a long minute. SJ’s mind was going in overdrive. She could not what she had just said. But an even crazier thing had just come to her—had she meant it? Would she really have preferred it if James had been kissing her, instead of Dougie? SJ leaned down and picked her shirt, putting it back on and flipping her hair over nervously.

In their silence, they heard McFly’s manager Fletch calling from far off. “Dougie, hurry up, you’re going on in a minute.”

“I have to go,” Dougie said abruptly. He opened the closet door, and when SJ’s eyes adjusted to the light she finally saw the look on Dougie’s face. It was heartbreaking, he looked so hurt.

“Dougie, I’m—” she began, but he turned and walked away before she had a chance to finish. “Sorry,” she whispered miserably to herself.

Dougie didn’t talk to SJ after the show. He couldn’t bring himself to look at her. How could he have been so stupid? He had known what he was getting into from the very beginning. Why did he actually have tofall in love with her think she cared about him? He knew it was just for the sex. But still, it hurt.

“Lighten up, Dougie!” Harry threw some crisps at him. “You look like your bloody lizards just died.”

They were all sitting back on the tourbus, watching TV. “It’s nothing,” Dougie replied automatically. Harry shrugged. But if he had looked a little closer, he would have noticed some things—SJ biting her nails, her eyes anxiously darting between the TV and Dougie, Dougie completely ignoring her, Danny looking at them suspiciously.

“I’m a bit tired. I’m gonna go to bed,” Dougie announced. He stood up. Avoiding everyone’s eye, he turned and climbed the stairs up. Once upstairs, he threw off his clothes and left them on the floor at the bunk, not caring if SJ was going to bitch about that later, and climbed up to his bunk in just his boxers. He wrapped the covers around him and stared at the ceiling.

Why did he feel this way about SJ? She was beautiful, yes. But that was pretty much guaranteed with the daughter of a French model. But it was something else, something more that drew him to her. But clearly, she didn’t feel the same way.

Dougie sighed. He couldn’t get to sleep thinking about this. He found his iPod and put in his headphones, setting it on his sleep playlist. Then, slowly, he drifted off.

“Wake up,” a voice whispered. A soft hand shook Dougie gently.

“Huh?” Dougie mumbled groggily.

“Wake up,” the voice insisted.

“What?” Dougie groaned. He could smell a distinct honey miel and lemon citrus fragrance drifting down from above him. His eyes fluttered open and he blinked a couple of times. It was dark. Judging by the chorus of snores, everyone was sleeping. Everyone except…

“SJ,” he muttered drowsily, finally recognizing the scent.

“Yeah.” She was sitting cross-legged on his bunk.

It took Dougie a moment to register the fact that she was actually sitting on his bed. When his sleepy mind caught up, he almost jumped and fell out of bed. “What—what’re you doing?” he hissed.

“I want to talk to you,” she said quietly. Her dog tags flashed in the dark.

“Er, a) It’s the bloody middle of the night and I was sleeping, and b) I reckon you’ve said enough to me today. Why don’t you go talk to James?” Dougie whispered back meanly, still smarting over what had happened earlier.

He heard her sigh. “Dougie, please,” she said softly. “I need to talk to you.”

Dougie hesitated. He knew she only called him by his first name when she was being completely serious. “Fine,” he finally agreed.

He quietly followed her out of the bunk and down the stairs to the TV room. Dougie sat on a couch, and SJ sat next to him, neither bothering to turn the lights on. “So, what do you have to say?” he said flatly.

“Dougie, I am so, so sorry,” she began right away, genuinely looking upset. “I didn’t mean to…you know…”

Dougie was silent. He wasn’t going to make this easy for her.

“I mean,” she tried again. “I just…Oh, I don’t know.” She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

Dougie looked her in the eye. “You’re sorry you said it or you’re sorry you meant it?” Trick question.

SJ exhaled and looked away, playing with a loose string on the couch. She didn’t answer the question right away. But then she said, her voice small, “Look, Dougie—I dated James for three years, okay? That’s a long time by my standards. By anyone’s standards. And it’s not easy, just getting out of a relationship like that.”

“What are you trying to say?” Dougie asked her.

“It’s just…” SJ bit her lip. She didn’t know what she was trying to say. She was silent for a second, trying to sort her thoughts out. Dougie, his face hidden by shadows, sitting patiently waiting her answer, didn’t say a word. SJ thought of all those years she’d hated Dougie. Did she really hate him? Or had she just convinced by their first bad meeting that she did? And she thought of how he kissed her. How he made her laugh. How sweet he was to her when he wasn’t with the rest of the band. She thought of the rush she felt whenever she was alone with him. How cute his smile was. How he knew just what to say and just what to do to make her heart skip a beat. And she came to a realization. “I don’t want to be with James,” she heard herself saying.

Dougie looked at her. “You’re don’t?” Was that a tone of—hope? Relief? SJ couldn’t tell.

“No,” SJ went on. She shook her head for emphasis. “I don’t want to be with him.” And as she said it she knew she was saying the truth. Finally, all the confusion had cleared from her head and she knew who it was she wanted. Dougie. “I fucked up today, I know,” she acknowledged her mistake. “But I mean it, Dougie. I want to be with you.” She gave him a small smile. “I really do.”

Dougie sighed and looked away. He looked half-convinced. Then he turned his gaze back to her and asked abruptly, “Do you still talk to him?”

“Who? James?” When Dougie nodded, she didn’t even think twice. She looked straight into his clear blue eyes and told him, “No. I haven’t been talking to him.”

It was only a white lie. Dougie didn’t need to know that she’d spoken to James twice since they’d gotten together. It would only ruin things between them, she convinced herself. And she wanted Dougie to trust her.

Yeah—he’ll definitely trust you if you lie. SJ pushed that voice out of her head. She didn’t need to tell him. She would call James up tomorrow and simply inform him thanks, but no thanks—she didn’t want to get back together. SJ made her choice. And she chose Dougie.

Dougie’s hand gently closed over hers. “I’m sorry, Dougie,” she whispered. “I know I didn’t mean it when I said it. It just came out…” She glanced back at him, and the look on his face told her he had forgiven her.

“It’s okay,” he told her gently. He brought her close to him and kissed her softly.

SJ closed her eyes, kissing him back. This was so different from many of their other kisses—it was less sex driven and more tender than SJ had ever imagined from Dougie. Suddenly, they both heard footsteps on the stairs. SJ pulled away from him reluctantly as Harry came into view, yawning. He stopped and stared once he saw them sitting on the couch together. SJ scooted as far away from Dougie as possible without being obvious.

“What are you two doing?” Harry asked suspiciously. “It’s three-thirty in the morning.”

“I know…I just couldn’t sleep.” SJ got up.

“Is everything okay?” Harry asked, immediately worried.

“Of course. Don’t worry about it,” SJ reassured him. She got up and stretched. Dougie tried not to look as her t-shirt rose up slightly to show her skin. “I’m going back to bed.”

Dougie and Harry both watched her leave. Then Harry turned to Dougie. “What were you doing?” he asked again, not believing SJ. “Were you bothering her?”

“What? No way!” Dougie defended himself.

“Then what’s going on?” Harry looked at Dougie expectantly.

I’M IN LOVE WITH YOUR COUSIN, that’s what’s going on! Dougie wanted to shout. Instead, he said, “Er, nothing, neither of us could get to sleep and we were both down here.”

“Oh.” Harry flopped down into the space SJ had deserted on the couch. “Listen, mate.” He was suddenly serious. “I really wish you and SJ would get along. Seriously, it blows that one of my best mates and my cousin hate each other.”

“Mm-hmm.” Dougie didn’t know how to respond. He wanted to tell Harry about everything. But, he was scared of how he would react. Harry was very protective of SJ. It took Harry almost a year after SJ had started dating James to accept him. And he would completely freak out if he knew SJ and Dougie had been going behind his back. “Yeah, I guess,” he finally said. “I’m gonna head back up to bed. You should probably get some sleep, too.”

Harry yawned again. “I’m just gonna get a glass of water and I’ll be up.”

“Alright.” Dougie walked up the stairs on his own. He hesitated in front of his bunk. SJ had already drifted off back to sleep, and he watched her for a second. Then, just because he could, he leaned over her and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled at him, half-asleep. Then her dreams claimed her again and her breathing deepened once more. “Good night, Sarah Jane,” he whispered to her, before climbing back up to his bunk.