Fake It Like You Matter

"You don't work this weekend do you?" Pete asked me as we laid in my bed, our place of refuge.

"No, Jessa said she messed up on the shifts or something and I don't actually have to work again until Wednesday, instead of Sunday," I rattled off, "Which is really strange because in the whole time I've known her she has never messed up on scheduling once."

"I made her do it," He said to me then smiled, "I have a surprise for you, so I asked her to help me out by giving you a couple days off."

"You have a surprise for me?" I turned to him, "What is it?"

"I really hope you like the idea because I put a lot of planning into it and stuff..." He smiled, and sat up, "I want you to come away with me for a couple days, Lovely."

"Really?" I pushed myself off my bed, "Where?"

He sighed and finally looked up to meet my gaze, "Vancouver."

"Wh-Why...?" I stammered, confused and shook my head, "Why there?"

"Because I know it would mean a lot to you," He tried and took my hands in his, "You told me you had never actually been to the place where your mom was buried...and I just...I wanted to take you there. Take you to see her."

I looked down at our hands tangled together, hoping he wouldn't see my eyes filling with unexpected tears.

"I feel like I know you here. I know you in Chicago," He explained slowly, as if he was completing each thought in his head before he said it aloud, something he almost never did, "But I want to know all of you. You talk about Vancouver like it was the first chapter of your life. I mean, who ever starts reading a book in the second or third chapter? I don't want to be missing those details anymore. Maybe I wont totally understand, but I want to know how you started. I know when you think about it, it hasn't really been that long, but I think I know you really well..."

A few tears slipped down my cheeks and I didn't bother to wipe them away. Instead I nodded to show that I was listening and that yes, he did know me really well. He was the only person in a very long time who knew me well because he was the first person in equally as long that I had let know me.

"I know you really well," He repeated with more confidence this time, "And I love you. But I don't just want to know how you are, Lovely. I want to know why you are. I want to know why you're you. And I know how much you miss it there...please say you'll go with me this weekend?"

I took in a breath and after thinking everything through, nodded.

"Really?" He pulled my head up just slightly to look in my eyes, "You'll go?"

"Yeah," I agreed, "When, though?"

"We take off at 11:27pm," He said, starting to talk fast again, "Were only going for a couple days, so packing wont take long. I found us a place to stay and everything, so don't worry, okay?"

"Oh my God, Peter," I shook my head and stood up, beginning to pace, "This is crazy. It's too much. You didn't have to do this for me, boy. I know how much two tickets to Vancouver and back cost at the last minute. You should be saving it for L.A.-"

"Shh," He jumped up and caught me before I could pace back and forth anymore, "Love...please, just don't..."

I had broken the unspoken rule. We were not allowed to talk about Pete leaving. We had both silently agreed that if we never acknowledged it, that it would not actually happen. I knew that Pete having to leave was the real culprit behind the fact he'd been sleeping less and less, and crawling through my window to lie next to me at night more and more.

Originally, he thought they would be recording their new album in Chicago, but a week after we had become serious, he was informed by his shiny new major label that plans had changed.

The implicit truth was that Pete was going to have to leave me in Chicago in less than two weeks, that it was completely and unfortunately necessary and that neither of us had a clue how to deal with it. I had been counting down the days but the closer the date of his departure grew, the harder it had become to bring it up.

"No!" I exclaimed pushing him away then sighed, "I cant pretend anymore that you aren't leaving. I know you have to go, but I love you and I need you so much that it kind of freaks me out, Peter. I don't know what I'm gonna do without you here."

"I'm sorry," He breathed, hugging me again, but I didn't return his embrace, "I know, and I'm sorry."

"We've only got 9 days left together, Pete..." I said slowly then wondered into his shoulder, eyes red, "Why do we have to pretend that its not happening?"

"Because it feels like a death sentence," He held me against his frame and sighed resting his lips on my neck, "I just don't want to think about how much time we've got left. We should do something with the time we still have. Make it count."

I sniffled, but eventually agreed, "I'll try,"

He pulled away slightly then kissed me, and for the first time I could think of in a little over 2 months worth of kisses, I wasn't completely reassured that everything was going to be alright.