Fake It Like You Matter

"Hi," Pete said quietly, finding a spot next to me on the roof after midnight a few days later.
I looked over at him then back up at the overcast skies and laid back against the rough shingles.

"Why didn't you call me back?" I whispered.

"Sorry," He mumbled.

"I needed you."

"You didn't need me when your dad was telling me I wasn't allowed near you..." He said sadly, pulling his knees up to his chest, "You told me to leave like you didn't need me at all."

"You know I need you," I had begun to cry and looked up at him.

He laid down beside me and found my hand in the dark.

"Come to L.A." He said after a silence, "I know it will be hard, but we'll be together..."

"There's nothing for me in LA, Peter," I sighed.

"I'll be there," He blurted, "Isn't that enough?"

"It should be," I thought.

"But its not?"

I sighed again and thought about everything that I would be leaving behind if I agreed. A good job, a few friends, and mostly even though I was mad at him and spent most of my time trying to piss him off, my dad.

"I wish it was," I turned to him, "I really do, but I cant leave my dad."

"After everything?" Pete asked as though he couldn't understand, "After he hit you?"

"I'm all he has."

"You're all I have!" He replied, "Love..I need you!"

"You have the band, and right now they need you," I said slowly, "I cant drop everything just to follow you around so that you wont miss me. Its not realistic."

"We both know you're anything but a realist," He shook his head, "You're a dreamer just like me, you're just scared that it will be too hard."

I resisted the urge to fight back, knowing we were only fighting because we didn't know what else to do with all the emotions Pete's looming departure was stirring up.

I rolled towards him and rested my head on his shoulder, "It will be harder to watch you go. I'm going to miss you so much it hurts."

"Then maybe we should take a break," Pete said slowly. He was thinking again before he spoke, such a rare occurrence that it surprised me as much as his words, "You wont have to miss me that way."

"I don't want to take a break," My eyes were stinging as I tried to blink away fresh tears, and my brow was knit together, "Peter..."

He shook his head again and looked into the cloudy sky, "I cant do this Love. With everything else, I cant handle a long distance thing right now."

"Because its to hard?" I asked, echoing his words, "Or because you're scared?"

"I'm sorry," He whispered ignoring my comments and sat up, "I'm so sorry, Love."

I sat up too and searched his face for anything I could grasp onto, but he was a master at disguising his emotions and there was nothing remotely recognizable in the expression he wore. Suddenly full of doubt, I looked down at my trembling hands.

After a minute I spoke, "You had this all planned out tonight didn't you? This is what you came here for..."

"Love..." He sighed.

"Were you playing me the whole time, too?"

"It wasn't like that."

"Then what Peter?" I asked, "Was this all some elaborate test? You did something amazing for me, taking me to see my mother, to make sure I was completely in love with you, and then you asked me to give up everything, but I said no, so I failed?"

He looked tired and I thought I detected what may have been the slightest bit of self loathing in his expression, but I pressed him.

"I said no, so I failed your fucking test, and now its over?"

"You've got it all figured out, don't you..." He chuckled, trying to hide his hurt with sarcasm.

"Well, if you want to throw this all away just because we have to be apart for a little while, then what am I supposed to think?" I asked him, "Didn't this mean anything to you at all?"

He didn't answer, he just stared at his knees and I didn't know what else I could say.

"It's better this way, Love," He whispered finally, "I don't even know where I'm going anymore, and theres no sense in dragging you down with me."

I didn't know what he meant, so he continued at my confusion.

"You've always been too good for me. I've known this whole time, and now everyone else does, too." He shook his head, "I'm getting you in trouble at work, now your dad is mad at you because of me..."

"Things will be fine, with work and with my dad," I told him.

"Yeah, because I'll be gone!" He exclaimed, "Just accept it Love! Were too different. It wont work!"

"The only thing I'm accepting is that you don't want to try!" I cried suddenly, "And if thats the case then just fucking say it. Stop hiding behind some stupid excuse and just say you don't want to be with me anymore!"

"I cant be with you anymore!" He cut me off angrily, then regaining his composure, "You're all
I want, but I cant do this to you. I don't want to be responsible for ruining your life. I don't want to be the guy thats always breaking your heart and leaving for months on end. I love you too much to do that to you."

"Peter..." I whispered.

"I'm sorry, Lovely," He pulled me into his arms, "Please just forget about me and find someone who can always be there for you. Find someone who can love you better than I can... You deserve that much..."

"But I want you... I love you, Petey," I tried, but again, he wouldn't listen.

"I have to go..." He began to pull away, "I've got to go pack..."

"Peter..." I pleaded, "No... Don't leave like this!"

"I have to," He let go of me completely and reached for his bag.

He unzipped it and pulled out a book, then gave it to me, but I couldn't look away from him.

He sighed, then took my face in his hands and kissed me gently, "I wont forget you."

With that he stood up and left me in what had been my favourite spot until that moment, ending our relationship in the same place it had begun.

I watched him go, too crushed to move, feeling the dull ache rise up in my chest.

Just breathe, I told myself, and gulped some cool night air into my lungs, then finally looked down at the book in my hands.

Love In The Time Of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marques.

It was the book from Serendipity, the movie we had watched the first time we'd actually hung out. The night I'd told him about my mother. The night he'd asked me out on our first real date.

I opened it and on the inside he'd written me a note.

To my Love, Even if it takes 51 years, 9 months and 4 days, I will find you again. Peter.

I had to squint in the faint light coming from the street below to make out the words, but when I read it, I knew I'd never last that long without him, and began to cry.

Climbing into my window, I tossed the book onto the worlds most empty bed and wandered down into the quiet house.

Every inch of it was laden with some memory of him we'd created, in love, and as I found my way into the library where I'd ruined everything days earlier, I noticed a dim light coming through the slightly open office door.

I crept up to the door, peeking in to see my dad, still awake and reading a document, no doubt from a case he was working on.

I reached out and pushed the door open a few more inches and the loud creek it emitted as
I did so announced my presence.

"Love?" My dad looked up from the paper, sliding off his glasses and waiting for me to respond.

"Dad..." I tried to think of something more to say to him before he stood up and frowned.

"Whats wrong sweetheart?"

I wiped my cheeks, now aware that I was still crying and shrugged, "I'm... Sorry."

He walked around his desk, and without hesitating for a single second, pulled me into his arms.

"Its okay, baby," He swore, "I love you."

And for the first time in 8 years, I hugged my father back.