Fake It Like You Matter

It was past midnight and Pete and I were still sitting on his bedroom floor talking. We had talked through the entire movie which had ended hours earlier, and the only sign we gave of slowing down was an occasional yawn.

We realized we had to pretty much start from square one since we didn't even know each others last names, but it was kind of nice to start from scratch with someone like that.

Pete had turned 24 a month before I turned 18, he had grown up in Chicago and he used to play soccer when he wasn't trying to do a million other things. Apparently he was quite the entrepreneur and was into the whole music business thing as well as fashion. Pete had also told me all about his band, Fall Out Boy, who had an album out already and were going to be recording a new album in the fall. He said they actually already had a pretty solid fan base. Wed talked about ourselves enough, and had already sufficiently discussed movies and music for now. We were just briefly touching the topic of therapy once more.

"So, Dr. Adams really likes you," He started, "I mean, psychologists aren't actually allowed to discuss their clients, but he did pretty much tell me that if I did anything to hurt you, I would regret it."

"Really?" I smirked, "He seems like a nice guy. I like that he has a sense of humor, too. I doubt I would still be going if he didn't."

"Love, what do the tattoos on your neck mean?" He wondered as he stretched and moved up onto his bed, motioning for me to join him.

"This one means love, so...my name," I moved up next to him, pulling all of my hair over to expose the japanese symbol on the right side of my neck, then pushed my hair back to show more kanji on the other side, "...And this one means Joy. That was my moms name. I actually snuck out and flew back to Vancouver for a day to get them."

"Why did you move to Chicago, anyways?"

"Well after my mom died, I think my dad really wanted to start over somewhere that wasn't so full of memories," I guessed, lying down on my side. He mirrored me as I went on, "So, he expanded his business and now he heads up the Chicago branch of McEvie and Gates law firm."

"How old were you when your mom died?" He asked me quietly, frowning.

"Nine." I whispered.

He pushed back a red curl that had fallen into my face.

"I'm so sorry, Love." He said and his voice broke.

I was trying to put on my 'I'm Teflon tough' smile, but my eyes were suddenly swimming with tears.

"Baby," He tried, "Do you want to talk about it?"

I laid my head down on his pillow, closing my eyes, "Do you really want to listen?"

"Of course I do..." I let him put his arms around me and we got comfortable together, "I want to listen to whatever you want to tell me, Love."

We were so close now that I could feel it every time he inhaled and exhaled, his warm breath landing on my shoulder.

"What happened?"

"Car accident," I sighed, "It's always an accident, isn't it? Someone just wasn't paying attention, ran a red light and plowed us right into oncoming traffic. It took them three hours to get us out, but I still remember every minute of it."

"Oh, Love..." He whispered.

I laid there in his arms recalling how warm it had been that day, half my life ago, and described the sounds to him. The metal crunching around us, then the quiet afterwards that was soon penetrated by yelling and sirens. I stopped there but forced myself to continue after a few more moments of silent reflection. I had never actually talked about the details with anyone before, not even my dad who had been a completely different person back then. I had no idea why I was suddenly telling a guy I barely knew.

"She sang to me." I swallowed, and tried to keep my voice steady, "I was so scared when we were stuck in there and I started to cry so she sang to me. It was Edelweiss from the Sound of Music. That was always her lullaby for me."

"Jesus," Pete had closed his eyes and let his head rest gently next to mine as he listened.

"She talked to me, too. I think she realized that that was the end for her and she had all this last minute advice that she thought she would have time to tell me." I explained, trying harder than anything not to cry as I recited a bit of it, "You're beautiful exactly the way you are, so don't change for anyone... Always do what makes you happy... Never be afraid to love. Then she asked me to tell my dad she loved him, and told me she loved me over and over, until she couldn't..."

I stopped there because a lump had formed in my throat and the words wouldn't come. A few tears were slipping out in betrayal and I hastily tried to wipe them away.

"It's okay," Pete whispered to me again, "Shh, you don't have to tell me anymore, Lovely."

I breathed in as deeply as I could, took a minute to collect myself then rolled onto my back but he didn't let me go.

"You're incredible, you know that?" He told me, "You're still a good person, and you still have a great sense of humor after everything you've been through. Look at what a mess I am...sometimes I need three different prescriptions just to get me through the day when the hardest thing I've ever dealt with was a shitty break up."

"Well, did you love her?" I looked over at him and he nodded.

"I loved her and I found out she was with another guy. She got drunk and slept with him," He sighed, "Fuck. You lost your mother and I can't even get over some girl who cheated on me like, a year ago."

"Pain is pain," I rolled towards him and gently squeezed his arm, "It all hurts the same, Peter."

He looked at me for a minute and it made my heart jump a little bit, so I looked away then sat up and stretched, swinging my feet off the bed.

"Hey, where are you going?" He asked lazily, reaching for my hand.

"I have to go home," I smiled at him sadly, "I don't think its a good idea for me to stay much longer."

He sat up now too, "But I thought you trusted me."

I blushed, biting my lip, "I don't know if I trust myself."

A mischievous smirk was playing on his lips but he nodded slowly and walked me down the stairs.

"So, Love..." Pete began at the front door as he followed me out to my car, barefoot, "What are you doing on Friday night?"

"I'm off at 4," I thought, "Why, do you want to hang out again?"

"No," He said slowly, "I don't think I ever want to hang out with you again..."

"What?" I quickly turned to him, frowning.

He laughed, "What I mean is I don't think I can just hang out with you again. You know what I mean?"

I cocked my head to the side and that playful smirk was evident once again, tying my tummy in knots.

"Could I take you out on a real date?" He asked shrugging one shoulder all insecure, like he was worried I might say no. "I want to pick you up, buy you dinner, take you to a show, and if everything goes the way I've been picturing it in my head, maybe even kiss you at the end of the night."

You know that feeling you had when you were twelve and you found out that Nsync was coming to your town and your mom said you could go if you kept your room clean for a month so you jumped up and down on the couch shrieking your excitement loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear? Well that was kind of what I was feeling on the inside.

"What do you think?" He wondered.

"I um," I bit my lip, and was really thinking that Pete was about a million times better than Nsync, then replied, "I'd like that."

He just smiled at me all shy and cute, hugged me goodbye and I drove home where I was awake most of the night smiling at my ceiling.