Plight of Amour.

“Yes, Daddy. Mhm.” I leaned against the living room wall, listening to my Father’s kind voice. “Yes. I have the plane tickets. Teniell got them for me yesterday. She’s bringing them over later.”

“When does your plane take off, sweetie?” Father asked.

“Tomorrow, at ten, I think.”

“Good. I’ll take tomorrow off of work and come meet you at the airport, okay?”

“Okay,” I answered. “I love you so much. Thank you for not minding me coming home. Rillia doesn’t want to leave Hamburg. She actually found a job as a therapist.”

Father laughed heartily. “Good for her! I’m very proud of both of you.”

I smiled. We might despise each other, but Father was always willing to help me in my time of need. And I never needed him more than I did now.

“Are you bringing anything with you?”

I thought about it for a moment. “My laptop, my clothing, my books, and my pictures.”

Father sighed. “Well, that shouldn’t take up more than one suitcase, right?”

“Mhm. I won’t have a lot of luggage.” I stared at the ceiling, trying to ignore the burning behind my eyes.

“Okay. I have to go right now, Calla. I will see you tomorrow. Bye bye.”

I took a long breath. “Bye, Father.”

I turned my phone off and glanced at Rillia, who was sitting on the coffee table, staring over at me. She looked very saddened.

“I understand exactly why you’re leaving,” she said quietly. “But I just wish I could go with you. I love you, Calla. I am going to miss you so much.”

“I’m going to miss you, too!” I streaked across the room and threw my arms around her. “Rillia, I’ll call you every day. E-mail you. Everything, honey. I will not lose contact with you. And you can come visit me.”

Rillia nodded slowly. “I will…I’m just sorry this had to happen. I know what high hopes you had about being with Bill.”

I choked past a sob. “I don’t want to think about it.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

I felt my phone vibrate in my hand.

“That might be Teniell,” I muttered, lifting it up to peer at the number.

Immediately I let out a scream.

“Stop calling my phone, dammit!” I shouted. I threw my Blackberry down on the couch.

Rillia took a step backward, away from me. “Bill?”

“Yes, for the twenty third time!” I cried, fuming.

Rillia shook her head. “Maybe you should just answer it,” she suggested. “Maybe yesterday was just a huge misunderstanding. I’m sure he loves you—“

I held up my hand and shook my head.

“Don’t even go there,” I shot. “He doesn’t love me if he just stared at me blankly when I told him I loved him.”

“I was just saying—“

“I know. I’m going upstairs to pack.” I stalked from the room and up the stairs to my bedroom, where my clothes were all strewn out on my bed and the floor. My pictures were stacked on my pillows.

I stuffed all my clothes into my suitcase, only leaving out an outfit to change into for the airport, and grabbed my duffle bag to stick my pictures in.

I plopped down on my bed.

I went through all my pictures, staring at them longer than necessary, and shedding more tears than needed.

Until I got to the kissing picture.

I remembered how his lips tasted yesterday. How I was completely hypnotized at how amazing a kisser he was.

I loved him.

I didn’t want to, but I still did. Nothing would ever change about that. Ever. No matter how much I tried.

I kissed the picture.

It hurt, but why would I have to worry about it anymore?

We would be on separate continents.

It wouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t hurt…

Or the distance would kill me more than I thought.

Like it did before.

Would I have to hold myself together again? Put on a false front?

But, how would I ever get on with this?! Not even my fantasies would help me now!

I was going to end up dying.

I could no longer deny it.

The only reason I had lived the first time was because I was going on the belief that we would be together and love each other again.

That hope was long gone.

My fantasies had made it easier when I lost all hope.

They wouldn’t help now.

Not in the least.

I knew better than to think Bill still had the same feelings for me.

I dumped the pictures in the duffle bag.

Was it my personality?

Had I changed so much that he couldn’t stand me anymore?

I stood up and peered into the mirror on my wall.

Was it my looks? I wasn’t pretty enough, right?!

I ran my hands through my pitch black hair and stared at myself with my hazel eyes.

I took a long deep breath.

That couldn’t be it. Everyone said I was so beautiful now. Or maybe I was beautiful, I just wasn’t beautiful enough for him.

Before my mother died, she had always told Rillia and myself that the pretty ones would always be looking for someone as pretty as they were.

Well, I might be beautiful, but I could not even begin to compare to the inhuman gorgeous that was Bill Kaulitz.

I turned around and blew out my breath.

A loud rapping on my door made me flinch slightly.

“Who is it?” I called.

“It’s Teniell!”

“Come in.”

Teniell pushed the door open and streaked across the room to me. She picked me up in her arms.

“Oh, Calla. How on earth did this happen?” she whispered, shaking her head. “You two looked so happy at the concert!”

“I know,” I murmured against her shoulder. “No one knows how this happened. Even my Father was surprised.”

Teniell started shaking. I glanced at her face.

Tears were streaming down her face.

“Teniell,” I gasped. “Why are you crying?”

“This is my fault!” she wailed. “I shouldn’t have told you to pursue him.”

“No, no, Teniell. I came to Hamburg with the full intention of pursuing him. You had nothing to do with it.”

“I only encouraged it!” She sat down shakily on the bed. “I just didn’t want you to go through what I had to. I thought everything would work out between you and Bill, and I was only even more convinced when the two of you shared that onstage kiss.”

I lowered myself onto the bed beside her. I ran my hand on her back in circles, trying to soothe her.

She sighed shakily.

“I was so sure,” she whispered. “I was so sure that he loved you. I mean, the way he looked at you was in complete admiration. It was completely wild. I have never seen someone look at somebody else like that.”

I smiled grimly. “Thanks for trying to make me feel better.”

“No, I’m not trying to make you feel better.” Teniell shook her head quickly. “I actually saw it. And I’m not the only one! Those security guards saw it, too!”

I didn’t want to hear this. It hurt enough to just think about it, but to hear what I could have had was something close to death.

No. Death looked like a happy fairy when put beside what I felt.

I wanted death.

I didn’t want this.

“I’m still lost,” Teniell whispered. “But I guess there’s nothing we can do about it now. I’ll miss you while you’re gone again. But, of course, I’ll fly out and go with you to all the conventions and book sales. That’s my job after all.”

“You don’t have to do that,” I said.

“Yes, I do. I love you, Calla. You’re like my sister! I won’t be able to handle you being away again. And neither will Finn.”

I cringed.

In my irrational decisions, I had completely forgotten about Finn.

My leaving would kill him, destroy him.

I put my head in my hands.

“I’m such a terrible person for doing this,” I whined. “I am killing everyone I love just because I don’t want to be in the same place as a boy who broke my freaking heart.”

Teniell put her arms around me. “No. You aren’t a terrible person. You’re a person who has been through more things than any seventeen year olds need to go through. You have every right to want to get away from here.”

I looked at her, deciding if what she said was true or not.

It was, and I started crying again. I hugged her back.

It was official.

I was going home to America.

To my Father.

And away from Germany.

/-/-/-/

The sun had gone down hours ago.

It was much too dark to see anything clearly, but I was still managing to inch my way through the backyard.

I hadn’t been back to Bill’s old yard since the day we moved in.

I saw it only fitting to visit it again, now that the same situation was falling into place just as it had five years ago.

I trudged through the tall grass. It itched and I could feel bugs and spiders hopping onto my legs. At any other point in time, I would have freaked out.

But not right now.

I needed to do something first.

I stumbled over a tree root, but didn’t fall. Thankfully.

I found the old bedroom window. My hands pressed against the cool glass and I sighed deeply.

“Yes, I’m back,” I whispered, smiling. “I just had to come over and say that…I’m moving again.”

She’s lost her mind! the good voice screamed. She has resorted to talking to imaginary people. She’ is standing in a backyard with an empty house, talking…To nothing. She’s crazy!

I laughed.

Maybe I was crazy.

Maybe I wasn’t.

But something about this made me feel better.

It brought me back to when Bill loved me and wouldn’t trade me for anything. Back to when he was my knight in shining armor. Back to when we couldn’t stop telling each other “I love you.”

Back…

Just…back…

I ran my hand over my cheek to wipe my tears.

I wanted to go back to those times and refuse to move. Things wouldn’t have changed. I wouldn’t be in this position!

I sobbed loudly, feeling close to my absolute breaking point.

Just…

Back…